my second is this tacky question--i need more help

emilyanthony08

k so i'm still on the rehearsal dinner.... ugh i feel like planning this is harder than the wedding. K, so my fiance and I initially talked about only inviting the wedding pary and our imediate familys (only brothers sisters and his brother in law since none my siblings are married). well now i'm second guessing now allowing my bridesmaids and his groomsmen invite their significant others... none of them are marriend btw... I just don't know what to do. Budget gets in the way a little but is not my primary concern. Although i do hate people that take advantage of a bar bill that someone else is paying...

Please help me. If someone else wants to plan this dinner be my guest I'm so frustrated with it. LOL

Thanks a Bunch Ladies.

lisarose7

I think etiquette dictates that you should invite the WP with their SOs, but it's not necessary if they aren't in a serious relationship.  And my RD is going to be a BBQ at my parents' house because none of us want to be bothered with anything more formal than that.

MyNameIsNot

Yes, you have to invite their s/os.  

Izzygrim

I would definitely invite SOs. I'd be very sensitive when making decisions as to whose relationships are 'serious' enough to warrant and invite. I was MOH in a friend's wedding a few years back and she didn't deem my relationship with my now FI serious enough to invite him to the RD or wedding. And it was OOT for us. That hurt because if she had any clue about what was going on in my life she would have realized that yes, our relationship was serious. It wasn't a budget thing either, because she did invite the SO of another BM, and they had been together around the same length of time as me and my then boyfriend.

I'd err on the safe side and invite all of their SOs. Maybe I'm just sensitive, but this is an area where it could be easy to offend. And being that they are your closest friends and they are doing you a favor by being at the RD, I think it's respectful to them to invite their SOs. If the dinner needs to be scaled back a bit in order to accomodate SOs, I'd personally do that. IMHO.

stina93446

You need to invite their so's. It's rude not to. If they're having a flavor of the week, you can skip that, but even giving them the option of bringing their date for the wedding to the RD is nice. You should scale back the formality of the RD to accomodate the other guests if it's a budget concern. I went to a RD where they served us "fritos tacos" as the bride called it. It was beans on top of fritos. You could add cheese and other toppings. I was surprised. While it was far from what I consider a fancy meal, it was tasty. And they had salad and other things....

luckyme502

We are having a tiny rehearsal lunch, but we are still inviting everyone's SO.  I think you should. 

gibsonlw

Traditionally, the wedding party, their dates, the officiant, and the people actually IN the wedding are the only ones who are supposed to be there.  If that plus your immediate family is too much for your budget, then you need to only invite the people actually in the wedding and have a family dinner at a later time.  This is especially important if any of your wedding party and their guests will be coming from out of town.

What I've realized is this: if you have to make a hard decision, go for what is appropriate in terms of etiquette, because that is always an acceptable excuse even if someone is offended.  However, if you make a choice based on preference, then teh drama begins.

keegzzz

I think if the WP is bringing their SOs to the wedding, they should be able to bring them to the RD.

banana468

Absolutely your WP (and anyone else in the ceremony) need to be invited to the RD with their SOs or the dates that they're bringing to the wedding.

Pirata13

yes, you must include their SOs. We are trying to budget as well, and considering a luncheon to help cut costs, but never would we exclude the SOs.

riababi12

i think its okay to just invite the imidiate family and bridal party only. they are the only ones who really need to be at the rehersal so they know who they are standing with and what order to walk in .. the significant other , i assume will be at the wedding. at the rehersal they'll just be bored anyway, so if its a money thing.. i would just leave them out for a night.. like i said they'll still be tthere to enjoy the wedding..

riababi12

you cant have everyone at the rehersal ..then it would be your wedding..

emilyanthony08

Thanks everyone. I think I agree with all of you, significant others should be invited the  more I thought about it the more I put myself in their position and I wondered how I would feel. So yea... I think it will all work out in the end. :-) 

xokristina89

I think if they're just dating, then it is not your obligation to invite them to the wedding. I had two people in my bridal party who had signifcant others (over a year +), and they didn't even question the fact that it was only the wedding party. We rehersed the wedding, and we all went out to a nice dinner. No questions asked.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:bf49cb77-6dc8-4664-a7d3-211bc596e886">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if they're just dating, then it is not your obligation to invite them to the wedding. I had two people in my bridal party who had signifcant others (over a year +), and they didn't even question the fact that it was only the wedding party. We rehersed the wedding, and we all went out to a nice dinner. No questions asked.
Posted by xokristina89[/QUOTE]

<div>The etiquette rule is that anyone married, engaged, living together, or in a long term relationship must be invited with their s/o.  What's done is done, but if you want to avoid being rude in the future, you should know.  </div>

krissydawn16

I have never been invited to a RD that FI was in.  I was never offended though because there was no reason for me to be at the rehearsal, so why the dinner?  I was invited to the wedding.. why watch it twice?

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:a64b9fdf-f238-4bce-bb8d-f7e15b5d71ef">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never been invited to a RD that FI was in.  I was never offended though because there was no reason for me to be at the rehearsal, so why the dinner?  I was invited to the wedding.. why watch it twice?
Posted by krissydawn16[/QUOTE]

Because it's RUDE to split up people by social unit.

And if the couple is local, perhaps I'll buy that it's not as much of an imposition on the couple for one to attend - although it's still rude to split the social unit.

BUT when DH and I travel for weddings because it's OOT, we're taking a day off from work to get to the hotel and we're staying for AT LEAST one if not two nights at our expense due to the drive.  THEN we're often on our own for at least breakfast the following day.  If DH was asked to the dinner without me, I'd be upset and hurt - and I'd strongly encourage him to say that he'll be there the following day but not at the rehearsal because it's going to increase our costs.

The alternative is that I'd eat by myself - what a lovely way to treat those you love.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:a64b9fdf-f238-4bce-bb8d-f7e15b5d71ef">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never been invited to a RD that FI was in.  I was never offended though because there was no reason for me to be at the rehearsal, so why the dinner?  I was invited to the wedding.. why watch it twice?
Posted by krissydawn16[/QUOTE]

<div>Then by your logic, why would you need to invite a spouse to the wedding if you aren't close to them?</div><div>
</div><div>Committed couples are social units, and it is rude to invite one half but not the other.  It just is.  </div>

calli0pe00

I've always seen the RD as something for immediate family and everyone in the wedding party. I don't feel that its rude to not invite them to the dinner, but I don't really understand why you don't want to- besides them running up the bar. First, how many bridesmaids and groomsmen do you have? If its not alot, I highly doubt all of them are going get soused enough to run up a bill. I think if everyone sets the example of moderation, you'll be fine. Who knows, you may invite all of them and half may not even show up. It's not like the wedding where people will go out of their way to go. Take a step back and figure out what this dinner means to you. If you want to party- the more the merrier! If you want it to be more intimate, I'm sure everyone would understand. In the end, its just food.

~~Busy.~~

here's some help

http://static.zooomr.com/images/2857749_c52b54d3cf.jpg

tommyandy

How formal is your RD?  I would totally understand not being invited if you are having to pay per plate.  However, if you are doing something casual, invite people on two levels.  The first batch of guests should be those at the rehearsal itself & about 30 to 45 minutes later have everybody else show up for the party.  That way you can do the gift giving & speeches with a smaller audience.  Since we have a very large number of OOT guests we have invited them all to the RD in order to spend more time with them.  PS we're having a build your own fajita bar & margaritas.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:8488ed72-cbc5-4768-8628-ff357d2e29ef">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]How formal is your RD?  I would totally understand not being invited if you are having to pay per plate.  However, if you are doing something casual, invite people on two levels.  The first batch of guests should be those at the rehearsal itself & about 30 to 45 minutes later have everybody else show up for the party.  That way you can do the gift giving & speeches with a smaller audience.  Since we have a very large number of OOT guests we have invited them all to the RD in order to spend more time with them.  PS we're having a build your own fajita bar & margaritas.
Posted by tommyandy[/QUOTE]

I hope you mean that the guests coming later still get to eat dinner, otherwise, they might be very offended (and justifiably, too). 

krissydawn16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:eb457591-3f79-454f-9fdb-76351b38b9e4">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help : Then by your logic, why would you need to invite a spouse to the wedding if you aren't close to them? Committed couples are social units, and it is rude to invite one half but not the other.  It just is.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

No, it has nothing to do with being close to the couple or not.  Rehearsal is practice... nothing more or less.  It is not an emotional lifechanging experience.  Dates would end up being the practice audience... and bored out of their minds.

veebroth

Whatever you do it should be all or nothing. All the SO's or none of them, I would personally hate to hear that my relationship isn't "serious enough". If you are sensitive about price just don't invite them. It's about you and your day, you should have whomever you want there and not worry about the other stuff. Good luck!

nebbiolo

I think the proper etiquette is that you have to invite all OOT guests to your RD.  And, yes, you should also invite WP SOs if they are invited to the wedding.

Sniffyjellyfish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-this-tacky-question-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dd0d66c5-ffd3-4c40-b2d5-7147f1c4ac95Post:a64b9fdf-f238-4bce-bb8d-f7e15b5d71ef">Re: my second is this tacky question--i need more help</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never been invited to a RD that FI was in.  I was never offended though because there was no reason for me to be at the rehearsal, so why the dinner?  I was invited to the wedding.. why watch it twice?
Posted by krissydawn16[/QUOTE]


I was in the same situation for a few weddings. I never took it personally. Most of the couples I didn't even know, and would never expect to be invited to the rehearsal. I think of that as more of a family/wedding party thing. But, you never know who you might offend and what kind of drama you might stir up, so I would say invite them if the numbers won't get too out of hand.

suelee821

significant others?...yes.....dates?...nope

We ran into the same problem...we wanted to keep it small, but small still meant like 40 people.  If I could've had it just be my WP and our parents, that would've been fine with me...but we're all a pretty close group, and Im good friends with the SOs also.  Plus, my WP is really helping out a lot, along with everyone else, so if anything, its to help show my appreciation for all of the time and effort that they put in for us.

It seems hard to spend the extra money on the RD, especially since your shelling out for the wedding, but it doesnt have to be a big formal event.  A lot of people are choosing less formal events...like bbqs, bowling, etc...bc its a nice contrast to the wedding.

banana468

The rehearsal is about practice.

The dinner is not.   It's a SOCIAL event.  And at any social event that's not split by gender, it's not appropriate to split couples.  Ever.

JenPhil6212

I guess I really lucked out because my wedding party consists of MOH a BM and then all kids as our groomsmen. No SO there!
I am allowing a SO for my MOH who has been in a relationship for a year and a half with someone I get along great with. The BM doesn't haven't a SO so I am not allowing him to invite anyone.
We are just doing pizza at a nearby restaurant and inviting wedding party, the parents of the kids and our parents. That's it and we still reached 20 people.

emilyanthony08

The rehearsal dinner is per plate so that (along with never ending bar issues) was our concern. But like one of you said for our OOT groomsmen, after thinking about it more I did realize that this would mean that their dates would be sitting alone in their hotel rooms expected to get dinner on their own in an unfamiliar area. I agree with the majority and think it would be appropriate to invite SO's to the RD. 

taraz579

I've been to a few RD's that have gone both ways: some with wedding party & immediate family only (including officiant) and others included everybody's significant others'. 

I have ALSO seen OOT wedding party member only rehearsal dinners. I think the OOT part is a little different, as the SO might end up alone for half the nite before the wedding.  I've never seen all OOT guests invited to the rehearsal dinner simply because they're OOT. I've traveled to quite a few weddings the day of & only spent one nite OOT, but these were within a 5 hour driving distance.  I would think if the OOT guests are given a 'welcome basket' or something with a town map & guide, dining guide or something in the basket it wouldn't be as bad.

I agree, that as long as the significant others' are invited to the wedding itself, it's ok to not invite them to the rehearsal dinner. I think most people understand. No bigge. Just my opinion....