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Motherly Criticism

Okay, so don't get me wrong-I love my mom, she's the best and always there for me when I need something.  But when it comes to the wedding planning, we're not on the same page.
My fiance and I are paying entirely for the wedding, we want to.  We wanted to for a few reasons a) it makes it better in the end in our opinion, b) we need to learn how to live on a budget and this will help us and c) we want our wedding day to be what WE have dreamed of.
So naturally, I'm having problems with the last one.  My mom has been criticizing every idea I've come up with so far.  For example, the fiance and I both have 6 attendants each, we're not having a huge wedding (about 200), but we wanted that many people up there with us because there are honestly 6 people that we really want to be up there with us on the wedding day.  So my mom got upset because she thinks that by having 6 attendants, that automatically means you have to have a huge wedding, she says it's too many.
Then I told her how we were thinking of getting some jellybeans in the colors of the wedding as favors. "Do you really need to give out favors?"  My response was no, we don't.  But we want to, it's tradition and it's a thank you to the guests for being there with us to celebrate.  And we have allotted for favors in the budget.  "Not a lot of people like jellybeans."  Even so, it's a favor, it's something we can afford and its an idea that we really like.
Then we began constructing a guest list, I read off some of the people from her side of the family that we wanted to invite and she would say "No, they don't need to come, we're not inviting 3rd cousins."  and "Why are you inviting them?"  
So my problem is is that every time I try to tell her that I appreciate her opinion but we have something else in mind, she gets offended, she begins to tell me that our wedding day is not just about us....etc.  I don't know how to approach her on this, but if I'm planning and paying for my own wedding, I want it to be MY wedding, the wedding I've been dreaming of.  Not someone else's opinions and suggestions...
What do I do?

Re: Motherly Criticism

  • You can simply say "That's an interesting idea mom.  We'll consider it".  Then consider it and do what you want.

    But it is easiest, as PPs have said to simply not talk to her about your plans.  And if she asks, tell her that you've felt uncomfortable with her criticism and prefer not to feel uncomfortable anymore.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I know how that goes! 

    Weddings make mom's crazy.  I'm to the point where I can't really do or think about the wedding without my mom on my heels.  The biggest factors that she's really pushing on have absolutely nothing to do with her.

    1) Dad doesn't want to wear a tux.  He's in sales and has a super fancy $800 suit that he wants to wear.  It's new, he bought it for work and for the wedding.  She doesn't think that's okay.  And she demanded my FFIL rent a tux too - with how I know they both feel, I doubt it will happen.

    2) She wanted all the BMs to match exactly.  All my BMs are so different, that I know they wouldn't be able to find a dress they would all be completely comfortable with.  And my sister found one that she loves that really wouldn't work for my other BMs' body types.
    We did win that battle and picked three of the dresses this weekend.  Which was an event my mom invited herself to.  I don't even think I'll tell her when I bring the other two BMs.

    I'm not that mad that she invited herself now though... she was able to help one of my BMs be comfortable with her body enough to fall in love with a dress for how great it looks on her (that BM's mom focuses on the negative in shopping, and mine is good at finding the positives).

    You're not alone.  Part of it is probably a combination of excitement and stress.  My mom is definitely more difficult to work with when she's had a bad day at work, for instance, than on other days.  I had no idea that she would act the way she has been with the planning.  It came out of left field.

    I'm the first of her kids (2 daughters and a son) and all of our cousins (21 total) to be getting married.  My parents had kids before any of their siblings, so we're closer in age to some people in their generation than in our own.  So it's partially that they have no idea what to expect.  I'm breaking them in, and my sister/MOH and FH has been great at playing referees.

    I don't think it helps that one of her co-workers is getting married two months before me.  And the other has 2 kids under age 3.  So, I know she's feeling like she doesn't quite fit in with her siblings/ILs or quite fitting with her co-workers.  That helps me negotiate her stress and see where she's coming from.

    Whew... sorry, insomnia makes my responses long!
  • I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your mother. I agree with the posts above. Just say something along the lines of thanks but no thanks. My FI and I have had family drama (his side only) every step of the way, and someone has been mad about how we are doing it throughout the whole thing. We recently came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what they think. They had their weddings. This wedding is about us (and truly us only), and we need to do what we want, and what we feel is best for us. Be polite, but don't forget that in the end, it is about you two, and how you want to spend the first day of your marriage together.
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