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Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT

My FI and I have been together for 3 years. There have been times when i have felt this way, and talked to him about it. He worked on the issue and fixed it for a while, but now, i feel the same way again....
 About a year ago, i was feeling like FI was controlling me. We hit a bump in the road, and i decided to break up with him.(This is when i told him i felt like he was acting like my dad more than a b/f)  While we were broken up, i had relations with a guy that i had became good friends with. It only happened once, but, FI found out about it. He literally made me feel like crap about the entire situation, even though i felt i did nothing wrong. After we talked and everything was fine we got back together. Things went well for a while with little fights here and there about what happened with this guy and I. We recently just got engaged a couple months ago. Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......

Re: Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT

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    Why is this worth hanging on to?  I'm asking you the question to make you think about it.

    Is this kind of life so appealing to you that you can't let it go and move on? Some people can't.

    I think you know the answer to what is best for you.

    You only get one life, is this how you want the next 30-50 years to be?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-downneed-advice-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e130eea4-8a7a-49bd-b67b-3ab1835b6927Post:e58ab5fb-e9b6-4f0e-9eb7-948b7510b55b">Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I have been together for 3 years. There have been times when i have felt this way, and talked to him about it. He worked on the issue and fixed it for a while, but now, i feel the same way again....  About a year ago, i was feeling like FI was controlling me. We hit a bump in the road, and i decided to break up with him.(This is when i told him i felt like he was acting like my dad more than a b/f)  While we were broken up, i had relations with a guy that i had became good friends with. It only happened once, but, FI found out about it. He literally made me feel like crap about the entire situation, even though i felt i did nothing wrong. After we talked and everything was fine we got back together. Things went well for a while with little fights here and there about what happened with this guy and I. We recently just got engaged a couple months ago. Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
    Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

    This does not sound like a healthy relationship AT ALL.  You are definitely correct in your thinking that this is not how you should be treated.  I strongly recommend counseling for the two of you or some time apart.  At the very least you need to put this wedding on hold.  Trust is a very big part of a relationship and I do not think anyone should be planning a wedding with someone who does not allow you to see your friends. 
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    If he can't get over the relationship with the other guy, then I don't think this is an engagement worth saving. You don't want to be with someone who will always hold that over your head. You should be able to go out with the girls without being on a leash and worry about what he's going to say or do.
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    No, this is not how you should feel.

    You really need to take a step back here and evaluate your relationship. Is this something you want to try to fix or do you think you'd be better moving on? If you want to fix it, you need to look into couple's counseling and the 2 of you need to learn how to communicate and respect each other. If you don't feel it can be fixed you need to say goodbye, and the sooner the better.

    I'm really concerned because this sounds like it could turn into an abusive relationship very quickly if you feel like you can't even spend time with your friends or have to ask to go out.

    Good luck and I really hope you get to the bottom of this no matter the outcome.
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    It sounds like it already is an abusive relationship; there's more to abuse than just physical harm.  Get out now.
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    edited September 2010
    Here's my story, I hope it helps you in some way.

    I was with my ex for 7 years before we got engaged. He was very similar in personality as your fiance. I wasn't allowed to go places with my girlfriends, I would have to ask him if it was ok for me to go places even with my family. Even if he said it was ok to go out, I would get interogated the minute I came back home. I had thought to myself that if nothing changed by the end of that year, then I was done with the relationship and going to break up with him. He ended up proposing in Oct. and I said yes, hoping his attitude would be different becuase we were engaged. Nope, it didn't. So about 7 months of being engaged I told him I needed some space and time to think about things and a month after of realizing that I didn't have to live my life that way, I called it quits.

    Part of what helped me to call it quits was my current fiance. He was a long time friend of mine (we've known each other since we were both 11 yrs old). He would come to visit and always see me crying becuase of this guy. He would always ask to take me out to lunch or whatever but I would always say no becuase I was too afraid of my ex finding out. Finally I agreed to go out with him (during the time that I was taking my space from my ex). I enjoyed being with him and he showed me how I should be treated. We ended up becoming really close and I started to have feelings toward him. After a month of being with someone who actually let me be my own person and didn't mind if I was going to go out with my family or the girls and told me to actually "have fun" while I was out was so amazing. I knew that I deserved so much better than my ex. So...I called him up and told him that I wasn't coming back to him.

    My point is, there are other guys out there that will treat you far better than how your fiance treats you now. I know it's hard, becuase although I did find someone better, we did spend 7 years together. I was practically part of his family already. But I just knew that being unhappy in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship was not the way I wanted to live my life.

    I wish you the best of luck. I've been through it and I know how difficult it is. You just need to figure out what is best for you and what will make you happy.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-downneed-advice-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e130eea4-8a7a-49bd-b67b-3ab1835b6927Post:1f366f9a-cdfc-4299-96af-114ab282da6d">Re: Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]Seshat- He says he is over it, but i really do not think he is. Even though he has not brought the issue up in a few months (we have not fought at all or really even gotten into an argument for it to come up) mainly because im with him 24/7. Literally.<strong> We work together, live together, and spend all of our free time together.</strong> And when i say work together, we are in different buildings, but we talk through IM all day long. So, its like im always with him. Waltz- I understand your concern. And you are right. It will not turn into a physical abusing relationship, <strong>but i feel as though it might turn into that mentally</strong>. My dad was a manipulative control freak, (i no longer speak to him) and i feel that my FI is starting to get that way again. We took a break before (which is when those things happened) because of me feeling like this. I don't want to lose him, but i don't want to feel this way either. I want to have an open relationship where i can go out with my friends (guys or girls) and not worry about him being mad or upset with me.
    Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

    First, that's not healthy. No two people should spend that much time together.

    As for the second bolded statement, this already is a mentally abusive relationship. If he's making you feel like you can't go anywhere without his permission, making you feel guilty when you do, that's emotionally abusive. It's very common for children who grew up around abusive parents get partners that are abusive to them as well. That's why they call it a cycle. It's time to break the cycle.
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    I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. My ex was exactly like yours, controlling! I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being interrogated. If I was around male family members he would get jealous. You say it won't turn abusive physically, but most people who are mentally and emotionally abusive do end up being physical also. My ex is now physically abusive to women too. Also, if he is already treating you as a piece of his property, it's very unlikely to get any better. If he is this controlling now, imagine how it's going to be when you are his wife.

    My advice is to get out now. Your freedom in life is not worth feeling like you've "lost" him.

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    trix1223trix1223 member
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    edited September 2010
    Your FI has all the classic signs of an abuser.  He is limiting your contact with friends and family.  You have to be accountable him all day long.  You only do things with him.  He uses your past as a weapon against you.

    You need to run from this relationship and not ever, ever, ever look back.  If he hasn't hit you yet, or physically harmed you, I can guarantee that it's only a matter of time before he does.  And he'll blame you for his actions.

    You deserve better.  But you won't ever find better as long as he's around.  GL.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Trix couldn't have said it better.....
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    Your FI has a serious decision to make and so do you.  He needs to figure out if you're being with someone else is going to plague him for the rest of your lives.  You we apart.  He has a right to feel hurt, but no right to throw it back in your face constanly. 

    He has no right telling you or making you feel like you are not in control of the decision YOU make.  This is your life too and you need to play an active role it in.  If you continue to let him run the relationship then you are setting the standard for the rest of your life.  And you are unhappy now you will be unhappy in 50+ years. 

    Repeat this over and over to yourself:  I am worthy of love, respect, and all the good things life has to offer.

    IMO your FI doesn't give you respect, doesn't love you the way he should, and is not providing you any of the wonderful things life has to offer.

    Only you can make this decision.  But I think it is time to walk away before it is too late.

    Best of luck!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-downneed-advice-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e130eea4-8a7a-49bd-b67b-3ab1835b6927Post:e58ab5fb-e9b6-4f0e-9eb7-948b7510b55b">Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
    Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

    What should you do? Counseling and put the engagement on hold.

    This can easily lead to an abusive relationship, but you might already be there (emotionally). There are huge issues here. Please seek counseling individually and couples. It will not get better by itself.

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    You know what you have to do.  You knew it before you posted here.  Now it's just about working up the courage to leave.  Yes, it's going to be hard, but it's better than being miserable for the rest of your life.
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    Ok what you need to decide is .. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone who is like this? or Can this person change ... maybe he is just being insecure about us and he will change when we are married.... You have 2 options.. In the begining my FI would always tell me to go out with my friends.. then I would and he woudl text all night and be mad at me for it for like 3 days.. so I stopped doing stuff for a while.. he would always tell my gf's to take me and they would tell him i dont go bc of howhe acts... it took me doing my own thing wehter he liked it or not a few times and he finally realized he was wrong and got over it.. now we both do our own things whenever and no problems... if you think he can change and wont always be that way great.. if you think he is always going to be controlling.. then that is a bad sign of a stressfull life and you just need to decide if you can deal with that or not.
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    Don't marry your father  You deserve better.  Get out now.  A broken engagement is way better than a broken spirit.  Good luck, and ((hugs)).
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    Sweetie, it's much, much harder to get out of a marriage, especially an abusive one, than it is to end an engagement.

    And let me ask you another question:  suppose you have daughters.  Is this what you want your daughters to grow up believing is what a relationship is supposed to be like?

    I can tell you that I have three adult children.  Two are very happily married, and the third is currently not in a relationship.  As my daughters were growing up, I said to them over and over and over and over "Be sure that you find someone who treats you like daddy treats me.  You deserve that".  And the same went for our son.  He married a wonderful woman who adores him.....and completely trusts him.

    You know this is not the right relationship for you.  You say you've invested time in it.  How much more time are you willing to invest in a relationship that you know is not healthy for you.

    Will it be any better for you if you stay with him for another 6 months?  Another year?  That will just keep you away from a potentially healthy and happy relationship for another 6 months or year.

    Again, you deserve to be trusted, and cherished, and loved.  And you're not going to be by your current FI.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    My step dad sounds just like your FI when all this first started. But, this is how our story went.

    My mom got re-married when I was in middle school. My step dad was beyond a control freak. He hated my dad, me and my brother. He constantly called my mom a whore, told her she was a bitch, and told me and my brother my dad was a piece of shiiit. He had my brother so scared he couldn't even talk. Any time he spoke up my step dad made him cry. He kicked my mom, spit in her face, pushed her down stairs, and pulled her around by her hair. All in front of me and my brother. My mom broke up with him several times, but always took him back. She dated a guy one time when they were separated, and my step dad found out. He took weed killer and wrote "Whore Show Me Crotch" in our grass.

    The stayed separated about 6 months after this happened. She took him back, only god knows why.  He called me one Friday morning and asked me where I was going to be for the weekend, I was going to the racetrack with FI. He said he wanted to do something special for my mom. I assumed he was talking about taking her somewhere. Boy was I wrong.

    I got a phone call Sunday morning. The police, EMS, and firefighters were at my house. They wouldn't let anyone know what was going on. My grandma was in a panic and didn't know where me and my brother were and just wanted to make sure we were ok. She didn't know what was going on, or if my mom was ok.

    My step dad shot and killed himself in my mom's bed. I believe it was by the grace of god he didnt' kill her too. My mom has to live with this every single day of her life.

    Get out. Get out while you can. Abuse only gets worse. It started out verbal, then physical. Things will only get worse unless he gets help.

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    wow CR... im sorry to hear that story. My FI has never called me names, even when we do fight, usually leaves the house if we get in a fight. I dont think he would have the emotional stability to hit me. . Within the 3 years we have been together, i have seen him extremely mad, at his worst, and all he did was just make me feel like a piece of sh*t. Which, at the time, i hurt him emotionally, so i understand. If he would abuse me, it would be emotionally if anything which is still not what i want to live with. I will talk to him, and check out the websites PPs have suggested. If things don't change soon, then I will not put up with it any longer.
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    You know what. Your absolutely right. I guess im just trying to defend him, which i shouldnt. This is why i came here for advice.
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    Run. Now.

    My ex-father (I call him chromosome man) was like this. It was a miracle my mom got through pharm school while they were married, he was so friggin controlling. Along with the alcoholism, the hitting, the threatening with a firearm...did I mention he is a POLICE OFFICER??

    It only gets worse. You shouldn't feel bad. You did nothing wrong. You guys broke up, you went out with someone else. What the hell ever. He doesn't own you. Tell him to back the eff up and if he doesn't, dump the loser and go date someone worthy of your time.

    I realize I can be slightly biased here because of my own experiences, but I am seriously concerned by what I'm reading. Get out of this before you're married to him.
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    It always bothers me to see the justification, "But we've been together so long, I've invested too much time to throw it away."  It's only going to get worse, and then you'll have invested even more time.

    Don't think of the time you've spent on the relationship, think of all the time you have left.  Is this really how you want to spend it?
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    DolphinsGirl1, this sounds so much like my relationship with my ex. Everything from the break up to the "relations" between, to the getting back together. I can tell you from experience, you broke up with him the first time for a reason. It took me almost 3 years to figure that out for myself. I lost touch with all of my friends, I began having intense panic attacks, and just spent ALL my time with the guy. When I wanted to go out, he would make me fell terrible for wanting to go out. He talked trash on all my friends, and wouldn't want me to go with them. I invited him out as well, but he would never want to go, so I wouldn't go. You can have a thousand and one people tell you you need to get out, but you won't until YOU make that final decision.

    This is going to sound INCREDIBLY cliche, but I finally said, "God, if I need to be out, give me some sort of sign..." And no lie, he and I went out to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, and when I got my fortune cookie, it said, "It's time to end this now, someone else has been waiting for it." I honestly about crapped myself right there.... I went home and cried becuase I wasn't ready to end something that was all I knew, and then I realized, wait... I can't stay in this because it's all I know.  So, I ended it, and about a month later, I met the man who is now my fiance. 

    Moral of the story, I'm not going to say "end it now" because it's totally up to YOU to reach deep inside and figure out why you are with him, and if you truly want to STAY with him.... Good luck! ((hugs))
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-downneed-advice-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e130eea4-8a7a-49bd-b67b-3ab1835b6927Post:56e32d2c-83da-45f3-ab17-a271b7484672">Re: Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]He is limiting my contacts with them... But if he is there with me then everything is great. Its only if i go out without him that it becomes a problem. I know that i am in denial here, but my feelings are really strong. I was in a relationship before where my ex of 3 years was cheating on me for about a year of it. I was totally oblivious to it because i didn't want to believe it until i caught him in the act. Even then, it was hard for me to let him go. I also think that has taken a toll on me. I have tried to explain this to FI because that relationship really messed me up. He has not cheated, but he knows what i went through and i basically got together with my FI right after i left my ex. I know you ladies keep saying to leave him and get out of the relationship...its much easier said then done. <strong>I feel like i have my whole life invested with this guy, and if i leave i wont have anything. Which right there is a sign that im letting him get the best of me.</strong> I need to find a backbone and just go out with my friends, and if he doesn't like it then too bad.
    Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

    Don't believe this girl - it's a lie.  It's a lie that he wants you to believe.  He wants you to believe that without him you have nothing and you are nothing.  It is a lie!  Get out now before you get hit, or killed, or before y'all have kids and you put them through this.  Imagine 5 years from  now your kids seeing him treat you this way, or worse he starts treating your kids this way.  Imagine you have a son some day and look at what he'll have to look up to as far as how to treat women. It will be hard, it will be a struggle, but women do it every day and I can't think of any women that say "man I regret leaving him, I wish I was back with him abusing me again."    You will come out on top and with a better quality of life than what you imagined for yourself.  Don't settle.
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    Do yourself a favor. Put the engagement on hold for now. Go to school, get some kind of degree or special training so that you can support yourself. Along the way, I hope you gain enough confidence in yourself to make decisions that are going to benefit YOU.






                       
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    thanks again for the advice everyone. I talked to him last night, and we decided we are going to go to counseling. He admitted that he has been controlling and said that he will let me do what i want. He said that he was just trying to gain his trust back with me, and he now says that its all there and he will not fight or make me feel bad when i wanna go out with MY friends without him. He apologized and told me that he didn't realize that he was doing it, and that he will make things better because he doesn't want to lose me and will do anything for me. I guess thats all i needed was to talk to him and tell him how i feel. I tend to keep stuff bottled up inside me and then deal with it in my own way. I should have talked to him when i started feeling the way that i do. He also agrees that we should spend some time apart during the week, since we practically are attached to the hip 24/7. Thanks again! I will keep everyone updated on the progress of how it goes.
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    I was in a similar situation as the OP. i dated a guy for two years. Most of the time we were pretty happy. He was a good person, and I still think so, however we just werent right for eachother. I think all the little things would add up, and when we would fight he would call me names, and ALWAYS SOMEHOW spin it around on me. I told him from the beginning I won't date someone who smokes pot. I knew his roomates did it, and sure enough I caught him doing it. Somehow in the midst of our argument he ended up making ME feel like garbage about it and how I was so controlling. At that point I realized that we just weren't meant to be, and being called a B**** by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else nd treat you with respect, is not normal. It took me a long time to break up with him, but i am SOOOO glad I did. Once I got over the heartbreak, I always thought "what was I thinking all this time!"

    I guess you have to ask yourself, is it only this one issue that there is a problem? To what extent does he emotionally abuse me? You shouldnt be emotionally abused AT ALL, but if it is all and only tied into this one event, I would try seeking counseling BEFORE you get married. If this doesnt help, I would end it. It will only get worse if you can't move on....

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    Sorry I didn't see your last post before I posted mine! At this point only you will be able to tell if he is genuine. He may be going through something himself too, we don't know him so we can't judge. Good luck with the counseling... just remember dont settle, and emotional abuse is NOT part of a healthy relationship... :)
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