Opinion on living together...

FutureMrsSS

Hey ladies! 

 

I mostly just lurk here, but this has been on my mind lately after a discussion at work. I just recently started a new job, and people will notice my ring and ask me questions about the wedding/FI and all. A girl asked if we lived together, and I said no. Another girl jumped into the conversation with "Oh no, you HAVE to live together before getting married!" She quickly apologized for jumping into the conversation, but ended with "But really... you should never get married before living together."

 

My FI is in the military, so right now it isn't even feasible to live together, but what do you guys think? Is a marriage doomed from the start if you haven't lived together? I know this can be a touchy subject so I don't mean to be stirring up controversy! This has really just been on my mind lately.

jlo9

I know many couples that have been together for years and are very happy, but didn't live together before getting married. I don't know how long you and your FI have been together, but I think as long as you know what his habits are and have decided that you can adjust to them (and vice versa) than I don't think you need to live together before getting married. I personally have been dating my FI for almost 5 years and we did live together (he's living in another state right now while I finish school so we're not currently living together) and although there were things that I didn't realize about him before living with him, I already knew that I wanted to marry him someday and I learned to adjust to his habits and he learned to adjust and respected my living habits as well. However, I think that something that's important to know before getting married is each other's financial habits...but I don't think that you necessarily need to live with the person to figure out how they deal with money. 

danigirl7181

I think it depends on how you feel. I don't think your marriage will be doomed if you don't live together first but there will be an adjustment period. I live with my FI, we have for about 3 years now. We jumped into it pretty quick (after 8 months), but that is what we wanted. And there was definately an adjustment to living with him. You go from having your own space to sharing everything. At first that was hard for me, especially the going to the bathroom part, lol. I would wait for FI to go to work to do my business, lol. I don't think it matters if you live together before you get married or not. If you love eachother it will work out.

FutureMrsSS

Woah I don't know why my font was so big there! 

@jlo9 - That all makes a lot of sense what you said. We have been together almost two years. We dated "normally" for a year, and this past year have been long distance with him moving all over with the military. I think the long distance has made us very good at communicating with each other though. I know all about his finances, and he knows about mine. We've also talked about finances for the next few years if I continue schooling, and how that will be handled.

@dani - You made me laugh with the bathroom part! Whenever I go visit FI and we're together 24/7 in a hotel room I have a very strict no coming in during my shower time policy haha. 

DeannaCW

Statistically speaking, couples who live together before marriage are actually MORE likely to get divorced. 

I don't see why you'd have to anyways.  That idea is uber-new, for most of human history couples marrying absolutely were not allowed to live together before marrying. So in other words, this coworker is just a tad off her rocker IMO

Kristin789

I didn't live with FI before getting married, and we've been married 7 years now.  The couple who is about my age who has been married the longest in our social circle didn't live together before getting married.  

Short version:  I know very few couples who DID NOT live together before marrying, and they are all STILL MARRIED.  I know many couples who DID LIVE together before marrying, and most of them are divorced.

RamonaFlowers

If you can live together beforehand, I think you should. I'm not saying a marriage can't last without living together first (Obviously, it totally can) ... but at the same time after you're married is not the time to find out that the way he clips his toenails makes you want to shank an infant or something.

I'm a firm believer in test-driving the car before buying it.

hollyweenOR

Of course there's no hard & fast rule! You do what works for you, and obviously deployment is not going to permit you to choose, so you start where you are. I agree w/ the poster that mentioned being very open about finances in particular prior to the wedding- how do you spend, how do you save, what kind of debt is okay or not okay (mortgage? car? credit card? Most people have no problems with a mortgage but some people won't buy a car on credit, for example.), what are your goals, etc. That can be a very big ugly surprise (and is harder to hide if people live together, tho not impossible) if your views and situations are very different.

The rest of the stuff- how you each define what "clean" means, his horror at truly understanding how many pairs of shoes you own (not that I have any personal experience with that one), his inexplicable habit of leaving the tv on at full volume and then leaving the room entirely (again, what personal experience?), etc.- that can be dealt with. You may feel very stabby for half a year or so, when you repeatedly find underwear on the bathroom floor, one foot from the laundry basket. But that can be deallt with. Just know it will probably happen.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:1658c2cc-e802-462e-8a81-47d508dcdebd">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can live together beforehand, I think you should. I'm not saying a marriage can't last without living together first (Obviously, it totally can) ... but at the same time after you're married is not the time to find out that the way he clips his toenails makes you want to shank an infant or something. I'm a firm believer in test-driving the car before buying it.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  </div><div>
</div><div>You certainly aren't going to be doomed if you don't live together first, but the way you live day to day is pretty important to compatability.  Yes, everyone will have to adjust some, but I'm glad we adjusted and got it out of the way before we got married.  I feel like I had a more complete understanding of the person I married and what I was signing up for when I said "I do" because I had already lived with him for years.  </div><div>
</div><div>On the flip, my parents didn't live together before they were married.  They love each other, but they are very different, and drive each other nuts.  My mother has often said that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn't have married him.  </div>

HobokensFury

FI and I have lived together for a year now.  Honestly I couln't imagine us moving in together for the first time after we got married.  It would be too much stress and pressure.  We've already gotten all of the kinks worked out.

misssunshine17

FI and I have been together since high school, doing long distance for college and we don't currently live together. We're about a year and a half away from our wedding and we probably will move in together after her finished his masters, but OP, I completely understand peoples need to tell you to live together- something I find so funny because it was completely unheard of until this generation! They also question the legitimacy of our relationship. We plan on living together, it just hasn't worked out yet because we've been oh you know, getting educations and finding jobs that will add to our resumes, no big deal haha good luck! 

rlavach

My FI and I do not live together and won't do so until after we're married due to our respect for our religious beliefs. I definitely agree that moving in together & getting married at the same time are two huge life steps to take at once. It is overwhelming. Our love for God causes us to respect our beliefs. 

The only thing I wish we did differently was to have our own apartment sooner. I live with my parents and he moved in with his brother to save on rent money. So, we had to find and furnish a new apartment 2 months before the wedding. That was a huge expense & stress to take on at the same time as wedding planning. If you don't already live out on your own, it is much better to get that adjustment done now. 

I know many many couples who moved in after marriage and are still happily married. I also know some who lived together first and are now separated. So you can never say for sure. You have to do what's best in your circumstances.

redheadfsu

I really think a couple should live together before marriage. It allows you to figure out things like housework, living styles, and any issues before hand. I would NOT have said "I do" without making sure we worked while living together. A wedding can always be pushed back to make sure everything works before you say "I do".

em01092

FI and I are not living together beforehand. We've stayed with each other for weeks during holidays and what not, but went to college 4 hours away from home, so living with him wasn't feasible. Since I graduated in December, I've been living with my grandmother (mom figure), as I did in high school. She is elderly, and I'm not going to have her much longer. I will (probably) have my FI for far longer, God willing. I wanted to live with her for the last few months before I got married. She's planning to sell her house and move to a retirement community within the year. Until then, I'm hiring a caregiver to check up on her a few times a week, and make sure she has everything she needs since I won't be around as often as I am now.

Edited for more info. 

sparent2010

Personally living together has made sense for us. I could not imagine getting married without living together first. And with our work schedules we would never see each other if we did not live together.

My sister did not live with her husband before hand and didn't realize he just leaves trails of messes in his wake. I think that irritated her a lot in the beginning of their marriage. Nowadays not so much.

lyndausvi

Just like a lot of other issues this does not have a  'one size fits all' answer.

We did live together and we would do it again.  Most people I know did live together before marriage.  I know a few that didn't live together who are divorced.   At least in my crowd living or not living together has not effected the divorce rate.  We have a very low divorce rate among our social group and quite a few people have been married for 10+ years.

 My brother and SIL didn't live together and they are going strong for 18 years.  Funny thing was they had a 6 month old when they got married.   I never understood having a baby was okay, but sharing a bed and bathroom before marriage was taboo.

petebergsh

Not living together before marriage definitely doesn't mean you're doomed. I think there is an adjustment period either way. I have never officially lived with FI, but we pretty much spent 24/7 together in college. For the last four years we have been long distance. We are planning to live together before we get married only because I will be moving there and it seems silly to get my own place by myself, we will save more money living together (we both live at home now). I think it's up to the individual couple, but I think you're completely fine not living together. Congrats and good luck! :-)

jemmini6

This is one of those very personal decisions that doesn't have a right or wrong answer, but I do think there's a social shift in the way that decision is viewed with a relative majority leaning towards the 'pro living together' camp.

Personally, living together first was important to me because I'd seen several examples first hand of how relationships change when that factor is put into play.  I've lived with roommates who were great friends, but our living styles were so different that it practically ruined our friendship.  Obviously, living with a SO is much different than with just a friend (you can put up with a lot more, and a lot less at the same time), but the same principle applies that you don't truly know how you'll handle living together until you are.  Don't get me wrong though, SO's are much more likely to try to change and compromise than just roommates, probably more so after you are married, but in general, that can be a lot of stress to tackle in the already 'tough' first year of marriage, which is why many people prefer to do it before.

Basically, I don't think living together is the single factor that imparts success or failure on a marriage.  So no, you are not doomed if you don't live together first, but I do think it would be beneficial to begin discussing how you'll live together now (ie, splitting expenses, housework, etc) so that the transition will be much easier when you do live together.

achiduck

it's my personal opinion that a couple should live together before getting married. I learned a LOT about FI in the first few months that we lived together and some minor issues had to be resolved. 
 
As silly as it sounds, our biggest fights are over housework, dirty dishes and laundry - not money, sex or family. But dirty socks on the floor and not emptying the garbage can become bigger problems if you don't nip it in the butt.

That being said, it's a very personal deicision that is based a lot of factors and it's not right for everyone. OP- it's very very unlikely that your marriage would be doomed b/c you didn't live together. It was rude of your coworker to be so aggressive with her opinions.

blgrout

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:defe4016-0aa6-4283-a5f5-48371ed978a7">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]it's my personal opinion that a couple should live together before getting married. I learned a LOT about FI in the first few months that we lived together and some minor issues had to be resolved.    As silly as it sounds, our biggest fights are over housework, dirty dishes and laundry - not money, sex or family. But dirty socks on the floor and not emptying the garbage can become bigger problems if you don't nip it in the butt. That being said, it's a very personal deicision that is based a lot of factors and it's not right for everyone. OP- it's very very unlikely that your marriage would be doomed b/c you didn't live together. It was rude of your coworker to be so aggressive with her opinions.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

Well said, Achiduck.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this question, a lot of it has to do with personal beliefs.  My FI and I have lived together for 3 years and there is definitely an adjustment period to go through as far as sharing your personal space with someone and splitting up chores and such.  I really don't know how things would be if we didn't live together first, but I know it was definitely the right move for me, even though some members of my extended family don't approve.
On that note, I have several members of my extended family that definitely never lived together before marriage and are doing just fine.  My oldest cousin has been married for 19 years this summer and her and her H didn't live together before they got married, and they are happily married.  Some of my other cousins didn't live with their SO before marriage (actually, they didn't even hug or kiss their SO before marriage, but that's another story) and are happily married, although they have admitted to me that jumping into living together, marriage, kissing and sex is a lot to take in all at once (in their church, they firmly believe your first kiss should be a married kiss and they firmly follow that rule).

There's no right answer and nobody should be preaching to you about their personal views of how you should live your life.

KayCee85

MY FI was against getting engaged before living together (although he had already bought the ring prior to signing the lease on our first apartment, go figure.). The first 6 months or so of co-habitation was ROUGH, but we worked through it, and if we had been married at the time we would have also worked through it. We wouldn't have just given up on eachother because one of us is a little messier than the other. In our case, it's me : ) I'm extremely close to my family and was previously living with my twin sister in an apt, and the harder part for me, was being away from them. It's definitely a transition, for anyone, and you just have to decide whether or not you want to face that change before or after saying "i do". In my case, I'm glad we got it out of the way. It's one less stress we'll have to deal with after the wedding. And now that I've been living with my FI, I can't imagine NOT. It's kind of like, how did I ever live without him? It's a good feeling. : )

MiksChick23

Most of the PPs have excellent advice.

Ever hear the phrase "the first year is the hardest"? I think that became popular when people didn't live together first....and the first year was not only a merge of finances and legality, but of their household.

I really like the "test drive a car before buying it" analogy. I am a firm believer in living together first, but I don't think its a guarantee that your marriage will work anymore than not living together is a guarantee it won't. Its all based on the two of you and more so how you handle conflicts. FI and I have lived together for 5 1/2 years, we rented a couple apartments and now own a home. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into.

PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? We never close doors in our house.

Edit: Had to add this on. While I don't think living together is a must. I do think living on your own, and being able to support yourself is. So if you're going right from being supported financially by your parents, to getting married, I'd see red flags.

goobersinlove

I'm in the living-together-before-marriage camp.  FI and I have lived together for 2 1/2 years so far.

I just don't think you can really really know what you are getting yourself into without living together.  The drug-store advice of "You need to make sure you talk about money, sex, family, household stuff, blah blah blah before you get married..." just doesn't do it justice in my book.  Of course when you just TALK about things it's easy to meet in the middle and have all your problems solved on paper, but what you expect from those conversations vs. what it's really like living together are two entirely different things. KWIM?

In our 2 1/2 years of living together, FI and I are lucky enough to have never fought about money or sex. We've been able to commingle our finances without any squabbles. But our big make-or-break moment, surprisingly, was dealing with his family, which came out of left field.  It came out of left field because BEFORE we lived together, in our conversations he lead me to believe "Oh yeah, my mom is great..." and it turns out she's a crazy cakes.  It's not that FI lied to me, it's just that things CHANGE when you live with someone and you cannot always predict those changes.  I was happy to have learned about this issue before we even got engaged so that it was dealt with accordingly, and further, I know what I'm signing up for when I get married.

KayCee85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:2a28317c-8fb5-42d4-80d5-0869bbe68738">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of the PPs have excellent advice. Ever hear the phrase "the first year is the hardest"? I think that became popular when people didn't live together first....and the first year was not only a merge of finances and legality, but of their household. I really like the "test drive a car before buying it" analogy. I am a firm believer in living together first, but I don't think its a guarantee that your marriage will work anymore than not living together is a guarantee it won't. Its all based on the two of you and more so how you handle conflicts. FI and I have lived together for 5 1/2 years, we rented a couple apartments and now own a home. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into. <strong>PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? </strong>We never close doors in our house. Edit: Had to add this on. While I don't think living together is a must. I do think living on your own, and being able to support yourself is. So if you're going right from being supported financially by your parents, to getting married, I'd see red flags.
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]


I Ccompletely agree. My FI is constantly barging into the bathroom while I'm in the shower and vice versa. After all, we only have one! We also rarely close doors. ever.

jennipea382

I don't think anyone HAS to live together before they get married, but I'm currently living with my FI. I'm happy we decided to move in together. You really see how the other person is. We've gotten into more fights since moving in together, but nothing serious. It's mostly about cleaning. We're both kinda bad about keeping the place really clean, so sometimes we argue about it. It's also nice because we get to start making decisions together about where we live. We chose paint colors together, how to set up each room, etc. It's been way more positive than negative.

That being said, I think it's important to be realistic and really know that you want to live with the person. I've heard of way too many people rushing into living together and ending up breaking up. Then they end up still having to live together because they both have a lease, and there is the issue of splitting anything you may have bought together. Like, I don't know what we'd do with our cats. Technically I bought them, but I consider them ours. I would never want to give them up, and I know he wouldn't want to either. As sucky as it sounds, you have to be prepared for things to go wrong. When you're married it's different because things get split for you if you can't come to an agreement.

So if you're going to move in with a BF/GF/FI, make sure you're ready to compromise, communicate and be realistic. If not, at least take note of what you notice at their place. Are you a neat freak and his place is always messy? As lame as it probably sounds, it's a good idea to talk about expectations - who does what chore? Are you going to have a "cleaning" day? What's your definition of clean? I've had roommates before that this was a huge issue. So it's a good thing to sit down and talk about before moving in together, whenever that is!

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:476b12b2-3621-44a3-a19e-fa4f41652c18">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially <strong>when I'm excreting waste</strong>.  Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever).  I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
I think I scared the neighbors with how hard I was laughing at that. Well said.

trixie549

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:2a28317c-8fb5-42d4-80d5-0869bbe68738">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE] PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? We never close doors in our house. 
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Some people just like their privacy. We close doors in our house. To each their own.

</div>

annie912

This is one of those questions that has no "right" answer. In my first marriage, we lived together before we got married, but not until after we had gotten divorced. We dated for 8 years, lived together for a year before the wedding and separated 10 months after the wedding. So much for test driving the car.

I am living with my FI now because we wanted to make sure the new "family" unit was going to work before actually getting married - he has two children. We weren't engaged yet, but the decision to get married had already been made (so I guess we were engaged, technically, just no ring yet) and we got engaged shortly after I moved in. In other words, we had already made the commitment, which meant it wasn't really a "let's try this and see if it works" as much as a "we're pretty sure this is going to work, so let's get everyone used to this before we add the adjustment of actually being married." I get that for some people there is no real change, but to me there is and I only wanted to deal with one adjustment at a time.

The only wrong answer is the one that makes you and your FI feel uncomfortable. If you feel like you're better of living together first, then do it. If you don't feel the need to or have objections to living together before you're married then don't do it. It's no one else's decision or business. There are couples who live together their whole lives and never get married, there are couples who get married and don't live together. The only thing that matters is what feels right to you, not someone else's opinion on the geography of your relationship.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:1f9cf6bd-4050-493e-9186-454361156c9e">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone HAS to live together before they get married, but I'm currently living with my FI. I'm happy we decided to move in together. You really see how the other person is. We've gotten into more fights since moving in together, but nothing serious. It's mostly about cleaning. We're both kinda bad about keeping the place really clean, so sometimes we argue about it. It's also nice because we get to start making decisions together about where we live. We chose paint colors together, how to set up each room, etc. It's been way more positive than negative. That being said, I think it's important to be realistic and really know that you want to live with the person. I've heard of way too many people rushing into living together and ending up breaking up. Then they end up still having to live together because they both have a lease, and there is the issue of splitting anything you may have bought together. Like, I don't know what we'd do with our cats. Technically I bought them, but I consider them ours. I would never want to give them up, and I know he wouldn't want to either. As sucky as it sounds, you have to be prepared for things to go wrong. <strong>When you're married it's different because things get split for you if you can't come to an agreement.</strong> So if you're going to move in with a BF/GF/FI, make sure you're ready to compromise, communicate and be realistic. If not, at least take note of what you notice at their place. Are you a neat freak and his place is always messy? As lame as it probably sounds, it's a good idea to talk about expectations - who does what chore? Are you going to have a "cleaning" day? What's your definition of clean? I've had roommates before that this was a huge issue. So it's a good thing to sit down and talk about before moving in together, whenever that is!
Posted by jennipea382[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Even if you aren't married, you have the same opportunity to have someone decide these things for you if you can't agree.  One of you sues the other for the property, and the court can decide who it belongs to or how to divide it.  </div><div>
</div><div>Just like divorce, most people find that legal expenses and attorney fees are simply not worth it when you're talking about dividing furniture and personal property.  People usually only resort to this sort of thing when it's something with a lot of value, like a house.  </div><div>
</div>

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:476b12b2-3621-44a3-a19e-fa4f41652c18">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially when I'm excreting waste.  <strong>Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever).  </strong>I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]


I was hoping somebody would mention this, lol.

Don't you know that true love means never having to deal with runs on the rag without a hand to hold. Clearly, you and your husband don't love each other as much as other couples do <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

MiksChick23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:476b12b2-3621-44a3-a19e-fa4f41652c18">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially when I'm excreting waste.  Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever).  I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

I never said he holds my hand, or than he hangs out while I change my tampon. Calm down! One of the posts mentioned having to wait for the guy to leave to use the bathroom, and to me that is just insane. You should be comfortable enough around the person you are going to marry that you can go to the bathroom while he's home.