Not really a wedding question, more of a marriage question (about sex)

PickleX

Didn't know where to ask this.. so...

My fiance is a great guy and I love him more than anything. We used to have a lot of sex, and it was fantastic.

Recently, he's had trouble "objectifying" me now that I'm going to be his wife and we have a lot less sex now. I'm hating this, because I don't know what to do about it and because, well, I have needs! He feels wrong about doing "dirty" things to me. I'll just add here that we really don't do anything crazy.

Does anyone else have something at all like this issue? I can't understand it and I'd just like to know if anyone has been through it. 

Btw I don't look any different or anything. I have always been slim and had I body I'm happy with - but my body image is actually taking a bit of a hit now. 

achiduck

Does he have an impression of what a wife is "supposed" to be in his head? I woul try talking to him about how you're feeling in a non-sexual situation (ie over dinner, sitting on the couch, etc).

Otherwise, perhaps a couples or sex therapist might be able to help you guys work through this.

There is also a Sex and Relationships board on TN.

angele4200

I'm not really sure what he means by he's having trouble objectifying you, but maybe try and initiate it more often? Get some sexy outfits, or something else that turns him on?
I also agree with Achi, try talking to him more about it in a way that he doesn't feel pressured.

LoveMuffins

Hm. Sounds like a Madonna/Whore Complex, like something straight out of a movie or a book! The basic idea behind it is that "Men" see women as Madonnas (like the Virgin Mary) and a completely unsexual object, or as a sexual object ie. a whore. If you've ever seen Sex and the City, Charlotte deals with this with Trey, because he just doesn't see her as a sexual object.

Therapy can help a lot.

Is he religious? That also might have something to do with it. Especially if he enjoys the idea of being "naughty" by doing something he's not supposed to do; ie. sex before marriage.

Another possibility is maybe he's feeling pressured by the engagement and this actually has nothing to do with sexual attraction, but with his feelings about your upcoming marriage. This is not to say that he might not want to marry you, but just that he might be scared/worried/anxious about taking this big step, which is completely understandable.

Really, whatever your options are, couples counseling is probably a really good way to get down to the heart of the issue and talk about WHY he feels this way, and hopefully work on reversing that. And it's not a bad idea to go to couples counseling before marriage anyway.

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-really-wedding-question-of-marriage-question-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e6054b57-c8a7-4f9e-867d-961b47b9c2f4Post:0f64c8b1-abd6-4dad-a6df-803a9fdb13bf">Re: Not really a wedding question, more of a marriage question (about sex)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hm. Sounds like a Madonna/Whore Complex, like something straight out of a movie or a book! The basic idea behind it is that "Men" see women as Madonnas (like the Virgin Mary) and a completely unsexual object, or as a sexual object ie. a whore.<strong> If you've ever seen Sex and the City, Charlotte deals with this with Trey, because he just doesn't see her as a sexual object.</strong> Therapy can help a lot. Is he religious? That also might have something to do with it. Especially if he enjoys the idea of being "naughty" by doing something he's not supposed to do; ie. sex before marriage. Another possibility is maybe he's feeling pressured by the engagement and this actually has nothing to do with sexual attraction, but with his feelings about your upcoming marriage. This is not to say that he might not want to marry you, but just that he might be scared/worried/anxious about taking this big step, which is completely understandable. Really, whatever your options are, couples counseling is probably a really good way to get down to the heart of the issue and talk about WHY he feels this way, and hopefully work on reversing that. And it's not a bad idea to go to couples counseling before marriage anyway.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]
That is exactly what came to mind when I read the OP! <3 SATC!

OP, this is some great advice. It definitely does sound like a Madonna/Whore complex since now he sees you as his perfect, virginal future wife and cannot bring himself to turn you into a whore.

PickleX

Thank you all for your advice!

He isn't religious at all, and I'd say out of the two of us - I'm the more nervous one about marriage. I'm a little younger than he.

LoveMuffins - I'm so happy to hear someone else is going through this, even if it is a fictional character. I may have to watch some Sex and the City.. although I do believe their marriage ends in divorce? Yikes

He had been around the block a bit before me (as had I - less so) and I think he never really associated sex and love. I didn't completely either, in all honesty, but I do with him. 

He isn't crazy about couples' counseling. Did anyone here do that with a reluctant partner? How'd it go?

PickleX

Should I maybe try counseling? I'm upset that my body image is at least a bit tied to this. That can't be healthy.

Juris11

The Madonna/Whore thing isn't really religious. It's more than men tend to catagorize women into either women they would have sex with or as women who are seen as pure and untouchable. I have never really seen a guy have this personally. (perhaps I was always the whore haha )

Honestly, I find it strange that he was fine with sex before the proposal but not that you are going to be his wife he can't bring himself to sleep with you. Has he expressed doubts over the commitment of marriage? How are things outside the bedroom? Does he treat you differently in other respects?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_not-really-wedding-question-of-marriage-question-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e6054b57-c8a7-4f9e-867d-961b47b9c2f4Post:194a785b-2146-4f72-968f-406c5738f367">Re: Not really a wedding question, more of a marriage question (about sex)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so happy to hear someone else is going through this, even if it is a fictional character. I may have to watch some Sex and the City.. although I do believe their marriage ends in divorce? Yikes 
Posted by elizabethdm[/QUOTE]

<div>It did, but that had more to do with the fact that she was screwing the gardener at his family's estate and that they couldn't have a baby.  Oh, and that the show is boring when people are in healthy relationships.  I think you'll be ok.  :)</div><div>
</div><div>But seriously, it does sound like he has some deep seeded issues with sex.  Sex with your FI/wife is not "dirty" or wrong.  I think he's probably going to have to get some kind of counselling to get past his shame about sex.  It may be easier to start with couple's counselling, because 1) it will help him to see how his problem is having a bad impact on you, and 2) that it really is an issue that can have a detrimental impact on your relationship, and therefore is important enough that he needs to address it.  </div>

PickleX

He doesn't treat me any differently in any other respect. It's like everything is perfect, apart from this.

He never has said anything negative about my body. I used to model (I say this in a joking-ish way, because in my early 20s I used to be a bikini/underwear model for teen catalogues.. not sexy like Victoria's Secret.. but not "bad".. but I'm small and don't have the "assets" those women do) and I still look the same and weigh the same. BUT I used to have issues as a teen, like eating issues, and those almost feel like they're resurfacing. I feel the same "worthless" feelings. It's tough. 

I'm so happy so many people have responded and validated my feelings. This isn't an easy thing to talk about! I am looking into counseling. 

redheadfsu

I agree. This is HIS issue. Not yours. (however, if it starting to effect you then individual counseling for you would be a good option too).

You need to tell him, "Honey, I love you. But, our sex life has changed. You say it is because you can't do 'dirty' things to me. Well, sex isn't dirty. Unless you start working on this issue our sex life won't return to normal. Since sex is a important part of marriage, this isn't a good sign for the future. So I need to know you are willing to work on your issues with sex. If you can't work on them, then our relationship will suffer and might end."

cokie216

I agree that he needs individual counseling first to see where this issue is coming from.  I'm also a little concerned that you think he needs to objectify you to have sex with you, if I'm understanding you correctly.  Do you mean that he is having trouble finding you both a sexual being and a wife?  That's not objectification.  It should be the desire to connect intimately with someone you love.  But good luck with this issue.  A lot of people are resistant to go to counseling but if you tell him that it's really important to you and your future marriage I hope that you can convince him.