Help me stop caring about what others think...

soniatews

this has been a problem of mine my whole life but as you can imagine, its been exceptionally difficult since I said Yes!

We are doing some non traditional things and everyone seems to have an opinion, and some express it with less tact than others...

I'm just so sick of it, last night I a had a full on freak out cry fest after being heavily teased about some of my choices. 

I know I shouldn't care but I cant help it, it always gets under my skin, what I can do remind myself it doesn't matter what others think?

Anyone else feel this way?

carethb

Just remember that it's you and the person that you love the most in the world and that as long as the two of you are happy, that's all that matters.  It's hard, because the human condition makes us think about what other people say/think.

NillaWafer10

I stopped caring after I broke down a few times.  My goal was to make everyone happy, and it ended up making me miserable.  I kept telling myself that this is our wedding, this is our wedding. Hope that helps!

Srbageldog

I have this problem too sometimes. I know it's hard, but you just have to  say "f**k it, what they say doesn't matter." Because it doesn't matter. Only your opinion of yourself and your choices matters.
Just try to remember that old rhyme we all said when we were kids: "Sticks and stones  may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

bheartsb

my FBIL gave me the best advice when we 1st got engaged.  He said 'a lot of people are going to give you advice, and tell you THE BEST way to do something, etc, etc.  Just smile, say thank you, and then go do what the f*** you want'

and: I learned the hard way to keep my ideas to myself and just say 'well, we really haven't figured it all out yet'  ::sheepish coy grin::  not easy when you wanna tell everyone what YOU think is an awesome idea, but it's working.  And my feelings are no longer getting hurt.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_stop-caring-others-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e7921814-5558-4ad4-91af-01dc066a8e9fPost:633ba423-0403-4291-b1cc-eb3604518896">Re: Help me stop caring about what others think...</a>:
[QUOTE]BTW, you can only imagine what kind of grief I got over my ring.....its suppose to serve as a temporary, its a family ring and I love it, and I will eventually get a "traditional" ring, but what if this was my forever ring and they made fun of it?  They all thought I was insane when they heard "goat" You know what, I love my goat ring! bitches....lol, aww snap!
Posted by soniatews[/QUOTE]

If someone made fun of your ring, you need to tell them to F off; you'll feel better and then they'll shut up. :-)

I learned a long time ago to only care about the opinions expressed by people I know care about me, some of them more blunt than others, but blunt is a lot different than derogatory and none of my true friends would ever say something that could be interpreted as making fun of.  When I do get unsolicited rude opinions from people that aren't friends, I'm pretty direct with them that I don't value their opinion and then typically that's the last time I have to deal with it.

quotequeen

You need to distinguish between opinions that are a matter of taste and opinions that might relate to how you are treating your guests.  Don't go to the opposite extreme and toss everybody's opinions aside.  When somebody says something to you, think about whether the thing she's complaining about actually affects other people.  Does it hurt anybody that you're wearing a particular pair of shoes?  Nope!  You can safely ignore that opinion.  Same for the ring.

tldh

Do what I did years ago.  Start calling people on their comments.  "Too bad you don't like my shoes because you'll see them at my wedding."  "Why would I want a boring old solitaire when FI gave me a family heirloom."  My dad teased me my entire life about taste (btw, he has none and the rest of the family agrees on this).  He would get really mad about being called out like this but he eventually got the message.  Unfortunately for my brothers, once he found out he could no longer get under my skin, he moved on to them.

JennandJoel2010

I've learned through out this process that you're never going to make everybody happy. Someone always has something negative to say. But on the flip side, some people always have something positive to say. Run with the positive, let go of the negative.

And, just stop sharing information! People can't give an opinion if they don't know what's going on. It'll make life a lot easier.

MISSCOURTNEY20

I would say to stop sharing info. Keep your mouth closed and keep those fools guessing!!

Lisa8888

Other than mentioning your shoes and ring, we don't know what these people are saying to you. Yes it is mean to hurt someone's feelings and insult them however perhaps some of your choices are not well thought out. Perhaps these people are trying to clue you in.

It is easy to say its your wedding and you should have it your way. But leave open the possibility that some of your decisions may not be good decisions. I can't believe that people who know you just want to hurt your feelings and say hurtful things.

bheartsb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_stop-caring-others-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e7921814-5558-4ad4-91af-01dc066a8e9fPost:aceec454-9214-4bc1-af5c-e74947314480">Re: Help me stop caring about what others think...</a>:
[QUOTE]Other than mentioning your shoes and ring, we don't know what these people are saying to you. Yes it is mean to hurt someone's feelings and insult them however perhaps some of your choices are not well thought out. Perhaps these people are trying to clue you in. It is easy to say its your wedding and you should have it your way. But leave open the possibility that some of your decisions may not be good decisions. <strong><u>I can't believe that people who know you just want to hurt your feelings and say hurtful things</u></strong>.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

I can.  Happens all the time.  That's what keeps therapists in business!

stephdonjon

Aw... I think the goat ring is cute, and if it's meaningful to you (and especially if you're getting a traditional ring eventually) everyone else can shove off. I'm disovering that everyone planning a wedding hits these opinion snags sometimes. When we first started planning, I know we got our share of. "But why do you want to do that?" Well, we want to. Shouldn't that be enough?
I'm not saying it's easy to ignore your family and friends when they put down your ideas. Especially if your parents are helping to fit the bill. But surely they want you happy, and if goat rings and your shoes are what does it, well tell them that and if they're worth anything, they'll understand.

Beachy730

There are quite a few things we wanted for our wedding that we didn't care what people thought about it.  For example, my mom hated the idea of a funfetti wedding cake and thought it was horrible and people would be offended.  We stuck to it and said we don't care, thats what we love and want, and eventually she came around and likes the idea.  But since my parents are paying for most of the wedding we do like to keep their ideas in mind to a point.  But my mom's nature is to try and make everyone happy, so naturally she's carrying that over to the wedding.  At times it makes things very difficult.  I also like to make people happy, but with your wedding I think its the one day in your life where people will understand when you say its our wedding its what we want.  And I'm not saying be bridezilla by any means, but you definitely don't want to sacrifice the wedding you want to try and make everyone happy.

The way I have stayed sane during this and pretty relaxed is by reminding myself there is bound to be at least one person at the wedding who dislikes something.  Their loss for not enjoying it!

woodsandminkin

I went through the same things in the beginning stages of planning. I am also very non confrontational, so I didn't really respond back. Finally, I had had enough. I just told people it was OUR wedding and we were only have ONE and that we wanted it how we wanted it, and not how everyone else wanted. I think after a little while, you will just stop caring. I finally got to the point where I would just say, "I don't care" any time someone said something.

mysticl

Did I read this right?  You got teased over the shape of the tables you are using?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Seriously?  I mean people may have a personal preference (I like round for receptions) but to put the effort into teasing/trashing someone for their choice.  3 words:  GET A LIFE

BTW:  Cute shoes

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]You need to distinguish between opinions that are a matter of taste and opinions that might relate to how you are treating your guests.  Don't go to the opposite extreme and toss everybody's opinions aside.  When somebody says something to you, think about whether the thing she's complaining about actually affects other people.  Does it hurt anybody that you're wearing a particular pair of shoes?  Nope!  You can safely ignore that opinion.  Same for the ring.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
This, exactly.  If it impacts how well your guests are treated, listen to them.  But if it's the kind of junk it sounds like you've been hearing, stop talking to those people about the wedding.  If close relatives and such persist, tell them that you're not willing to discuss the wedding if decisions that do not impact how well you are hosting your guests continue to be bashed.

I love the shoes.  I wanted pretty much that style of shoe, but because we had an outdoor wedding I couldn't have them.

Lisa8888

You haven't said who these people are that are criticizing your choices. Are they your friends or family member? I don't understand the bit about round tables. How could anyone criticize that. You said you are doing some nontraditional things. What are these nontraditional things? Is this what they are criticizing you about?

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_stop-caring-others-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e7921814-5558-4ad4-91af-01dc066a8e9fPost:31b2216f-387c-425e-bd71-63b4e5da4726">Re: Help me stop caring about what others think...</a>:
[QUOTE]so these girls are wifes and girl friends of my FI's close friends, so I am around them a lot and probably have to be for a long time to come.  They are wealthy and had very traditional weddings, so my DIY/budget wedding is a foreign concept to them!  My wedding will be in two different backyards a couple houses apart, one wasnt big enough, even with only 50 ppl =) Also we are not having a DJ, I plan on asking guests to submit request while the RSVP online (no fancy invites), and having slot car racing, my FI hates to dance but loves cars, so I thought it would be fun for him to have something else to do. And don't forget my crazy shoes! =)))
Posted by soniatews[/QUOTE]


That explains things. They aren't your friends. They are the wives/girlfriends of your FI's friends. Bottomline, they look down on you. They feel they are wealthy and in a higher social class and that you aren't.

There is nothing you can do about this. They are looking down on you and your wedding. They think it is trashy and tacky.  They must also look down on your FI.

It doesn't matter what your shoes look like or what shape your table is. They are going to ridicule the whole thing. Nothing is going to change that.

Why would you and your FI want to associate with them? Their husbands and boyfriends must be of the same mind set. What do you and your FI have in common with them?

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soniatews

Thanks for you help guys!

I deleted my responses in case anyone snoops and figures out who Im talking about

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