What to say?

SB1512

A couple weeks ago FSIL told immediate family that her and her husband were pregnant.  I don't know how far along she was, but it was early enough where everyone was told to not make the news public, so I assuming less than 12 weeks.  We found out yesterday that she miscarried.  I always seem to to stumble and struggle for words in these types of situations, and it's even more difficult because she isn't someone I know very well and am not super close to, so I am not sure how to respond (for example I have a friend who miscarried twice between summer/fall and she is the type of person who didn't want to talk about it just wanted to go about her daily life and talk as though nothing had happened).  I have her phone number, but it feels so awkward to make a phone call to say I'm sorry, especially if she is the type of person who just wants to be left alone during this time.  On the other hand, I feel like sending an email or text message is super impersonal, but at the same time, less intruding if she doesn't want to be bothered.  Any advice?

SB1512

It's FI's sister.  He got the phone call from her about 10 minutes before I got home from work, so I missed my chance to say something on the phone then.  FI wasn't much help on what to do.  He said not to send a text or email because it was impersonal, but at the same time, couldn't really tell me if she'd want to take a phone call or not.  She had literally just found out yesterday at her doctors appointment, so I'm sure the pain was really fresh, and calling right now (especially since we aren't close) just seems really awkward and perhaps not warrented. 

Meghannsix

What about a pretty "thinking about you" type card?  I know Hallmark stocks tons of cards for every occaision, but maybe this calls for more of a vague, hope you know I'm thinking of you card would be appropriate?  Besides, I still love getting random, real mail.

lyndausvi

I would give her a call and tell her you are sorry for her loss and if there is anything you could do for her please let you know.     Then let her take the lead.  

To me it shows you care and there for her.

If you don't want to do that send a card.

SB1512

Thanks everyone.  I'm way less awkward with written words, so I think I'm going to send a card, especially since she is having a procedure because her doctor does not want to let the fetal tissue leave her body naturally for whatever reasons.

mandi195

I can only speak for myself here, but figured I could give some very real insight. FI and I announced to immediate family on Christmas we were expecting. I have to go in tomorrow for a D&C, as we lost the baby. For me, personally, every time someone says anything, regardless of how well intended, it upsets me.
This is terrible to go through, and the last thing I need is any more reminders. When I called my brother to tell him the bad news, his wife was there with him, so she knows. I didn't speak to her about it, she didn't reach out to me, and I'm not at all offended that she hasn't. I know she cares, and that's enough. Same for my FSIL's. They both know, but neither has contacted me to say anything, and it doesn't bother me. I know they're sad, too, and that they love FI and are here for us if we need anything.
No one knows what to say in these situations, and to be honest, nothing anyone says makes it any easier/better. My advice would be to not say anything.

kbsmom1

heres my 2 cents.....I guess everyone has different prospectives....but I think to compleletely ignore a lost ...esp from your future SIL...would be a nono....I know its awkward and you dont know what to say but at the least send a nice card..I personally would call...make it short and sweet..we are so sorry for your loss..if they are religious...they are in your thoughts and prayers....please don't ask her to tell you if theres anything you can do....if you want to make a meal or send flowers or whatever just do it...I just think at times of great persnal loss, that person is not going to say what they need...just my experience...

kaos16

I'm also of the school of thought that sending a "thinking of you" card in a few days or a week or two without any specific reference to the miscarriage would be nice.

MairePoppy

I'd send a card to the couple. If your SIL is like mandi, she can put the card aside and not look at it. If she and her husband would appreciate an acknowledgement of their loss, it is there. Either way, the card requires no response. It's just a way for you to them know you are thinking of them.

If you would like to do something more than that, make a casserole for her and her husband to have on hand and ask your fi to deliver it.

SB1512

Thanks everyone for the insight. I mailed a card today and wrote "my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Should you need anything please do not hesitate to ask." I think that such it's such a different response and experience for everyone a card was an option I felt most comfortable with.

MyNameIsNot

In addition to the sympathy card, if she is religious, I would include some kind of prayer card or religious token.  My sister really cherishes the rosary that my mother gave her when she lost her pregnancy, and turns to it for comfort when she is grieving.  

LizM61409

I like the card idea. And check in with her husband in a few weeks to see how she's doing- if she's still upset and not back to her usual happy self you might want to say something nice about it again. Some people after a miscarriage are upset that their family seemed to stop caring before they were finished grieving, and cannot believe that other people expect their lives to go back to normal so quickly. On the other hand, some people are sick of everyone else talking about it, hence the importance of getting her husband's input.

Avion22

Sending a card was the right thing to do.

My husband and I went through this last month.  I think a phone call would have been too much for me.  A card is perfect because it's let them know you are thinking of them, but lets them deal with that sentiment when they are ready for it.   I still tear up when people tell me in person that they are sorry -- I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but when I've compartmentalized it away and am actually functioning, having someone else bring it up can break down that compartment WAY too quicky and it all comes flooding in.   

Another thing to remember is that they are going to be heartbroken long after everyone else has stopped thinking about it.   In a few weeks, or a month, or six months, it's okay to bring it up again and ask how they are doing, or to let them know you are still thinking of them.  

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_what-to-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e8a943a5-7f8d-42aa-916b-32b1e2165ad2Post:25863c49-42c7-4849-b95e-56ac67e99eb3">Re: What to say?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sending a card was the right thing to do. My husband and I went through this last month.  I think a phone call would have been too much for me.  A card is perfect because it's let them know you are thinking of them, but lets them deal with that sentiment when they are ready for it.   I still tear up when people tell me in person that they are sorry -- I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but when I've compartmentalized it away and am actually functioning, having someone else bring it up can break down that compartment WAY too quicky and it all comes flooding in.   <strong> Another thing to remember is that they are going to be heartbroken long after everyone else has stopped thinking about it.   In a few weeks, or a month, or six months, it's okay to bring it up again and ask how they are doing, or to let them know you are still thinking of them.  </strong>
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

This is such a good point.  I know people who suffer loss get flooded with sympathies, cards, etc.  Then a couple months later, the pain is still there, and everyone's moved on and forgotten.  It's really great when someone gives you another phone call, sends another card, or just lets you know they're still thinking of you.

I'm so sorry to all the ladies on this board who've experienced a miscarriage.  I can't imagine what that must feel like.

SB1512

Hey everyone, just wanted to follow up.  FSIL received my card yesterday and sent me a text saying thank you for the card and said her procedure went fine with no additional complications and other than being tired and sore she was doing ok (physically).  Thank you retread for posting your most recent post with things to say/not say!  I can't imagine how they are feeling right now, especially since they had to untell people about the pregnancy.  

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_what-to-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e8a943a5-7f8d-42aa-916b-32b1e2165ad2Post:89cbe651-4450-4171-b6e9-81808ce3b108">Re: What to say?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks again for caring.  She is SO lucky to have a family member like you.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thank you.  I had a friend who miscarried twice between summer and fall, but she didn't confide in me about it until very recently (she is now 5 months pregnant and things are going well!).  I mean obviously I still said I was sorry to hear that, but FSIL was so different because we found out about it right when it happened basically. 

This has been a huge eye opening experience and it has become very clear why people suggest keeping mum about a pregnancy until you have reached or surpassed the 12 week mark.  I'm sure a pregnancy loss can happen at any time, but from what I understand after 12/13 weeks the risk of a miscarriage plumets and it's usually safe to spill the beans then.

That's actually what happened to my friend.  She told me that with her first two pregnancies they told their families around the 6-8 week mark and then a couple weeks suffered the loss.  With her current pregnancy, she said her and her H waited until she was 15 weeks to spill the beans to even their own parents, because they had already been through the pain of untelling people twice, and wanted to wait until she had entered into the stage where a miscarriage would be a much lower risk.