Needing to Vent!!

kac52b

Let's start off by saying I love my mother but I may possibly kill her before this wedding is over!!!

When FH and I were in the (very) early stages of planning, we were discussing where we were going to have the ceremony. My mother suggested we elope (on our own money) because she thought it would be cheaper and she 'didn't want to deal with the hassle of planning anything'. Neither my FH or I wanted that, so we nixed that idea quickly. My parents make a very comfortable living, so paying for a wedding was never an issue, my mother just flat out didn't want to.

I took her comment as she didn't really want me bugging her with minor details, so I started taking care of a few things on my own...which immediatley led to a stand off in my parents kitchen with my father playing peacemaker when my mother found out I had picked out bridesmaid dress colors without asking for her opinion.

We came to an agreement and things have been fine ever since. But this is what I need to vent about...and maybe I'm being sensitive about it but it's REALLY bugging me....

Last week, my mom brought me lunch at work in our very small hometown (less than 500 people). There were several customers/friends of hers in the shop when she walked in and they asked about the wedding. My mother throws her hands up in the air and says "We told her we didn't want to do this and that she should just get on a plane to Hawaii and get it over with! This is such a hassle and inconvienence to everyone! We would have even paid for them to go somewhere!"

Everyone kind of nervously laughed, I was mortified. That night, I told her how much that bothered me, that it wasn't exactly true that they offered to pay for us to elope and that I wish she wouldn't say things like that publicly. She shrugged me off and told me she was sorry she hurt my feelings and she wouldn't do it again.

Guess what she did today...AGAIN in the middle of the office in front of an entirely different set of customers.

goheels05

Ugh.  Don't you love people with no tact, especially parents? 

I don't have much advice for coping, but I can sympathize with your situation.  My dad acts like your mother.  When I was a senior in high school and a freshman in college, my dad would make these random jokes about how all his money was going to my college.  He wasn't paying a dime for my education.  I've been out of school for 5 years and I'll be paying student loans for 5 more years.  It just burned me up to no end that he would act like me and my education were SUCH a burden for him to bear, especially when he was full of poo and wasn't paying for it anyway.

goheels05

Oh, and he tried to pull the same crap about the wedding.  When we started talking about where we were having it, he said, "why don't you just have it in your aunt's backyard like your cousin did?"  Well, first off, that's rude.  I don't call my aunt and say "hey aunt, can I host 150 people at your house?  kthxbai."  I just said, "why would I?  Do you think it's because we would save money?  Because we wouldn't.  It costs way more to rent tents, tables, chairs, and linens than it does to have our wedding at the country club wwhere all of that is provided at no extra charge.  Besides, you're not paying for our wedding, so you should probably mind your own business."  That shut him up, and he didn't say another word, at least not to me!

jeannigirl

Wow that bites. Just let it roll off your back because you know what she's saying is not the truth. Just try and go with it smile and nod. Don't let her push your buttons.

Do what you and FI want. GL

Ashly018

Wow, I'm sorry your having to deal with issues like that.  My mom and Fiance are both starting to ruin the whole wedding experiance for me... My mom wants me to have the wedding I always wanted, and my fiance wants to just have a beach ceremony in Hawaii with our parents.  I'm not against Hawaii, but I already know that if we do that my parents wont attend.  I personally would like a wedding but I know how much he doesn't... Finally yesterday he suggested just getting married in Vegas when I go out there in a few weeks to see him... I brought up the idea to my mother, and she didn't say anything.  So I spent the whole day at work on the verge of tears, and finally my fiance realized that the more he tries to make things easier for me the more I get stressed out and upset... I know that he will do whatever I ultimately decide, so I have set my mind that I have to make the final decision on a wedding or eloping by the end of February...

banana468

I think you need to talk to your mother again.  "Mom, you promised you wouldn't do this and then I felt embarassed when you went back on your word and did it again.  I love you dearly but based on how you're acting, you make me want to not include you in the details."

I assume she's not paying for it?  If she is she does get a say.  However if she isn't, I'd tell her that if she keeps up the attitude she may only find out when it is when invitations are sent.

megk8oz

Ditto Banana on this.

If you're paying for everything, then really, that's just uncalled for on her part.

But if this is her money ... then no offense, but she has every right to dictate how it's being spent. So if she said she really didn't want to give you money for a traditional wedding, and you're having one on her dime, then she can complain about it-though I would say doing so in public is still not necessary.

FWIW, I paid for everything, but my mom wanted a traditional wedding, which is what I had for the most part ... any time my mom did try to fight me on something, if I couldn't figure out some decent compromise (Yes, my money, but I trust my mom's judgement a lot) it was very nice to have the freedom to say "This is my money, and this is how I'm choosing to spend it".

kac52b

Dad's paying so, technically, she doesn't really need to have a say. BUT at the beginning, I wanted her involved. She's my mom, after all. Talking to her doesn't ever seem to help. She's done this type of thing before (like goheels was talking about with the school situation). My senior year of college, I interviewed with two large companies. Both offered me jobs, one paying a little better than another. The higher paying job was 3 states way, the other was close to home and my FI (boyfriend at the time). I chose the latter.

For 6 months after I graduated, she told anyone she could that she thought I was an idiot for not taking that other job. I asked her repeatedly to stop because she was embarrassing me. She never did until my Dad intervened once again.

She's a difficult person to say the least. When I do say something, she acts like she has no idea why I should be angry with her.

dsouldiva

I would stop meeting my mother for lunch if I were you!

jeannigirl

Ok Im going to have to cut in here and say even if your dad is paying your mother does have a say its her money too, they are a couple. This is part of being married both your incomes or finances are brought together. It doesn't matter if your mother does not have a job because your father makes enought so that she doesn't have to.

I don't agree with the way she's acting and I think that you should let her know that you are bothered by the things that she is doing in public. It appears she has some issues ask her why she states things the way she does. GL with all of this.