What should i do? Really confused!

diana333

Well my dad and i lost out on alot of years due to his wife. Well they are not married but have been together since i was little. When i lived with them she was horrible to me growing up called me fat and always hated on me and my brother. Well for 10 years i had no father because of that. Finally 8 years ago my dad and i reunited under the terms that they thought i had cancer , but it ended up after the surgery all clear. I speak to him every week on the phone and he flys down every 2 years for a visit(without his other half) ! Well my brother called the other day and said he spoke to my dad and wanted to see if they could fly down together, and my dad kinda mentioned that his other half would maybe be coming. My brother also stated that if she came he would not be coming to the wedding. Even on Facebook i have a page and all my long lost family is on there with me she has friend requested everyone but me of course. I really want to be the bigger person here but she really was awful to me and would have our dad and grandparents never spend time with us. Now all of a suden she wants to come to the wedding? Is it because she wants to ruin my special day? She surely will not be there because she is happy for me. My broher lives near them and can not go visit my dad that is how bad it is. I only wish i could approch this in a good way, any idea's? My brother is very much a part of my life and i would much rather have him there. Everything has always been about her kids(whom she had with someone else) we lost out on many good years. I am so looking forward to my dad coming and walking me down the aisle, and having that father daughter dance. Do i just forgive and try to be the better person and hope she will not wreck my day?

suedoe

wow! Tha'ts a tough one. On one hand it would be great to be the bigger person and let her come to the wedding. But on the other hand you just really can't trust her.

Maybe you should talk to her about how she treated you in the past. Maybe she has matured by now. Maybe she can behave herself this one time at least.

Just a thought.. .good luck!

mrsamyjones

Well from what you have explained it sounds like she has been a thorn in your side for a long time. However I really wouldnt worry about her "ruining your day" if she came. No. 1 you probably wont even notice her all night other to say hi and thanks for coming if you having any more than 50 people come. Most weddings are so hectic that you'll find that you wont know how the night went by so quickly( at least this is what I have been told by many past brides) and if my engagement party (which ran for nearly 5 hours and had 45 people) is any indication you will be struggling just to say hello to people and grab a quick bite to eat.

You may however knowing that she is coming fall into the trap of worrying and stressing about it that you will become consumed by it, which unfortunately from your post it sounds like you're heading for. An easy way to counteract this is to focus on the positive aspect that your father will be there and explain to your brother that while it isnt ideal that she is coming he doesnt need to speak with her at the wedding and that he is there to support you.

I understand your predicament I have a issue somewhat like yours with my father, however know that it wont be nearly as bad as you think because you really wont be interracting with her other to say hello and thanks for coming.

The only other alternative is to be direct with your dad and tell him that she was not invited and that may just cause more division between you and your dad and he may decide not to come. I advise against this. Your call though.

arixana

Does your dad know about how things are? If he does, could you talk to him?

zitiqueen

Where was your dad while she was being so horrible to you?

ashleypastori

Wow!  I would say be the bigger person and let her come.  Maybe she has matured.  Does your father understand the situation that she has put you and your brother in?   I would talk to both of them and your broher.  Tell your brother how important it is to you for your dad to be there and walk you down the isle then reassure him that it's also very important for him to be there also.  Like MrsAmyJones said, he won't have to talk to her.  Maybe if she hasn't changed and you can't get everyone to cooperate, your brother could walk you down the isle instead of your dad... 

diana333

Thanks Ladies it is a tough one. My dad i am sure is aware but does not really admit that she has a problem. I will most likely be the bigger person here. My dad has made many mistakes, but has shown over the years and tries to make up for it. I do love him dearly as we are pretty close now. I will have to deal with things as they come , which i would like to have both my brother and dad there. So if she has to come i will talk to my brother and make sure they are not seated together. Thanks for the good tips , have to keep and open mind i guess! I will deal with it as time gets closer. I won't let it ruin our day that's for sure.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_should-really-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ebbd347d-b1d7-4847-b3b2-769b9ecb15c8Post:e3d5f972-0e22-4f09-893d-fa75b913b2ec">Re: What should i do? Really confused!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Ladies it is a tough one. My dad i am sure is aware but does not really admit that she has a problem. I will most likely be the bigger person here. My dad has made many mistakes, but has shown over the years and tries to make up for it. I do love him dearly as we are pretty close now. I will have to deal with things as they come , which i would like to have both my brother and dad there. So if she has to come i will talk to my brother and make sure they are not seated together. Thanks for the good tips , have to keep and open mind i guess! I will deal with it as time gets closer. I won't let it ruin our day that's for sure.
Posted by diana333[/QUOTE]

Do you realize that the person who made your childhood a living hell is your father and not your stepmother?

Or did you leave out the part where she held a gun to his head and prevented him under the threat of death from coming to the defense of his children? Because if you didn't, he chose to allow this abuse of you to continue. He chose to remain in the shadows and watch while she treated you and your brother so horribly.  He's the reason for the loss of years, not her.

Sarahtobeengaged

I would let her come, only for you and your dads' relationship sake.

jeannigirl

Well regardless of who is to blame her father has come foward to establish a relationship with her. I am not excusing the father has both are to blame the father and his wife.

I would say diana that you are being the bigger person and I know that cant be easy to do. Has far has your brother shame on him for saying that he wouldn't come to your wedding if she comes.

He isn't coming to support her but to support you he will need to figure that one for himself., and he doesn't have to sit any where near her. Seating may be a little sticky but you can work that out.

Smile this is a special time in your life so please do not let anyone rob you of that it is within your control. The only one that we can control is ourselves.

diana333

Thanks Jeanni,
I think you are right and thanks for posting! I will work on the brother as well. But it is a special time in my life and i will make the best of it! We only have one family(lol) . Even if i have to be the bigger person, i think at this point it would be best. Sometimes it helps alot to post and re-think the situation. Thanks again!!!