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Monster in law!

My soon to be mother in law HATES ME, Me and my fiance have been together for 2.5 years, we have been engaged for a year and we own a house together. My fiance was married before me and has a 5yr old son. We are getting married next month (3/17/2012)and his mother and father just told us yesterday that they are not attending the wedding. They have not paid a dime for anything or attended any showers or parties related to the wedding either. His mother has made it clear that she likes his ex-wife more than me and will always hope they get back together. They have excluded me from everything including CHRISTMAS at their home. My fiance is very supportive of me and thinks his parents are NUTS for not supporting our marriage. Im really worried this is goin to cause a strain on our marriage in the future when we have children considering i will now have a step son next month and she is his grandmother. She has made it very clear that if I am involved in her sons life that she wants nothing to do with either of us, his father is just along for the ride and is going along with his wife on everything! I have no idea what to do or if I should even try to repair the relationship that was never even built because she wouldnt give me a chance, over the last two years she has only seen me 3 times becuase she wont allow me to come over or attend gatherings. Me and my Fiance have lived in our new home for a year, which is 5min from her house and she has not come over so see it even though we have invited her.. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

Re: Monster in law!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:eca07158-8285-453d-86b0-7615711eaab1Post:c7181934-e473-4780-9e45-e18b6c7ef237">Monster in law!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My soon to be mother in law HATES ME, Me and my fiance have been together for 2.5 years, we have been engaged for a year and we own a house together. My fiance was married before me and has a 5yr old son. We are getting married next month (3/17/2012)and his mother and father just told us yesterday that they are not attending the wedding. <strong>What did your FI say when his mom told him this?</strong> They have not paid a dime for anything or attended any showers or parties related to the wedding either.<strong> They don't have to, they don't owe you a dime. While it would have been nice of them to attend the parties, they are not required. </strong>His mother has made it clear that she likes his ex-wife more than me and will always hope they get back together. They have excluded me from everything including CHRISTMAS at their home. <strong>I assume your FI didn't go to their house for Christmas either. If he did, you have a FI problem, not a mother-in-law problem. If he didn't go, while it is sad they are shutting their son out of their life, that is their choice and only your FI can talk to them about it.</strong> My fiance is very supportive of me and thinks his parents are NUTS for not supporting our marriage. Im really worried this is goin to cause a strain on our marriage in the future when we have children considering i will now have a step son next month and she is his grandmother. She has made it very clear that if I am involved in her sons life that she wants nothing to do with either of us, his father is just along for the ride and is going along with his wife on everything! <strong>How has your FI handle this? Has he explained to her that means she is choosing to never see her son again?</strong> Ihave no idea what to do or if I should even try to repair the relationship that was never even built because she wouldnt give me a chance, over the last two years she has only seen me 3 times becuase she wont allow me to come over or attend gatherings. Me and my Fiance have lived in our new home for a year, which is 5min from her house and she has not come over so see it even though we have invited her.. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! <strong>You can't fix this. Only your FI and his mom can fix their relationship. I would stay out of it and would support my FI.
    </strong>Posted by Tayloreyoung250[/QUOTE]

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • I agree with PP. How your FI handles a lot of this can be a real indication of where the problem is.

    If FI attends those family events and leaves you behind, that is a huge red flag. You are marrying him and that creates a family. You and his son are his new family if his mother can't accept that then he must be as much of a pushover as his dad is.

    I'd think twice before marrying a man like that.

    If, however, he has told his mother that it is fine if she doesn't want you in her life he simply won't have her in his life, then I see no problem. She can act like a baby and not accept his decisions. She will miss out on her grandson's life and possible more if you two have kids. That's her fault and no one elses.
  • It doesn't sound like she is open to having a relationship with you. You can only do so much. Hopefully eventually she will see how happy her son is and realize you are here for the long haul and change her view about you. Sorry you are in such a crappy situation when planning something so important to you and your fiance. Hang in there.

  • I agree with everything redhead as said. 

    It's very unfortunate this has happened. 

    I'm not sure if I would want to have a relationship with somebody who would chose an ex daughter in law over their own son.

     If they want a relationship with their son then they will have to accept you as their daughter in law. 

    They can still have a relationship with the ex daughter in law. 

    How does your FI feel?  I think this would be the only thing that could affect the marriage.  It sounds like he rather be married to you then have a relationship with childish people, if that is the case then I think your marriage will be fine.

    I have, unfortunately, seen other relationships similar (where family members detach themselves because they don't agree with a marriage) and the marriages are still fine.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:eca07158-8285-453d-86b0-7615711eaab1Post:3c7f7cc2-d6f0-4acf-b6a2-1cb167ba4892">Re: Monster in law!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think there's more to the story.  <strong>It doesn't compute that you have only seen her 3 times in 2-3 years.</strong>  How would she even know you enough to determie whether she likes you or not?
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    Why not?

    I do agree thought hat the MOL is being unfair, that's not enough time to decide whether you like someone or not.

    Even if she doesn't like you OP, she should still be able to put aside those feelings for the sake of her son. I hope your FI stays supportive through all this.
    If I were you I wouldn't try to develop a relationship with this woman, but you still need to be on your best behavior. Invite her to family events, try to include her in things. If she declines, that's on her, but at least you can say you've done what you could.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:eca07158-8285-453d-86b0-7615711eaab1Post:3c7f7cc2-d6f0-4acf-b6a2-1cb167ba4892">Re: Monster in law!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I think there's more to the story.</strong>  It doesn't compute that you have only seen her 3 times in 2-3 years.  How would she even know you enough to determie whether she likes you or not?
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    This is what I was thinking. 

    No matter what though, it is a crappy situation to be in, and I hope that your FMIL grows up and realizes that she's not going to get her ex daughter in law back again, and that you and her son are in love and becoming a family.

    It is very weird that she has such a negative opinion of you when you've only met 2-3 times.
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  • thats the point she hasnt given me a chance, not even to get to know me, she simply hates me becuase im not his ex
  • When i wasnt invited to family functions, he didnt go either. He said if i wasnt welcome than neither of us was.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:eca07158-8285-453d-86b0-7615711eaab1Post:54da345c-9fc5-4d47-a2bf-5d49d7880eb2">Re: Monster in law!</a>:
    [QUOTE]When i wasnt invited to family functions, he didnt go either. He said if i wasnt welcome than neither of us was.
    Posted by Tayloreyoung250[/QUOTE]

    <div>Good for him.  (and you).</div><div>
    </div><div>That's really all you can do.  It's unfair of her to have formed an opinion without getting the chance to get to know you, but you can't change how other people feel.  If she's not willing to have a relationship with you (and your FI and child by extension), there's nothing you can do.  </div>
  • My FI has a wacko mom too. In our situation though, it's the other way around - she wants to be closer to us, but she is toxic and we keep her at a distance. At this point, I do not care to have a relationship with her at all, however, I'm supportive of whatever relationship FI wants to maintain with her.

    I'm not trying to thread-jack... the point to my story is: Over the last couple years I have spent hours upon days upon weeks worry about how his psycho mom would affect our marriage in the future, and whether or not she was a big, waving red flag for me to leave.  But because my FI is like yours - he supports me and puts our union first in squabbles with her - I concluded that she will only affect our relationship to the extent that we let it.

    OP, if you sincerely feel that you have done your due diligence in trying to forge a relationship with FMIL and no good result has come of it, and your FI is completely on your team, then it's OKAY to cut your losses. You do not need to win her over - you are not the jerk whisperer.  You do not have to have a relationship with her if it is only going to cause problems in your life. THAT is how you can handle it.

    For example, say you and your husband decide to have another child, and MIL trys to pull some crap like "oh I want to see the new grandbaby, but DIL can't come over - only my son can come over and bring the baby so I can see him/her." Then your husband can simply say, "Well, that's too bad mom. We're a family now and if you want to be a part of that, you need to XYZ." It sounds like your FI would have something like this covered.

    It's too bad really. I know that I always wanted a MIL that I could have a good relationship with. But sometimes that isn't possible. Just be thankful for your amazing husband that makes up for it two fold.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:eca07158-8285-453d-86b0-7615711eaab1Post:54da345c-9fc5-4d47-a2bf-5d49d7880eb2">Re: Monster in law!</a>:
    [QUOTE]When i wasnt invited to family functions, he didnt go either. He said if i wasnt welcome than neither of us was.
    Posted by Tayloreyoung250[/QUOTE]

    Good. If his mother is so crazy that she cuts off a relationship with her son, then I assume he is better off without her. Don't worry about your relationship, he sounds like he is a strong man and while it stinks that his mom is wacko, he just has to deal with it. Just support him the best you can. Good luck.

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    Married 9/15/11

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