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Realization

Good morning ladies,
This may not be directly related to the wedding planning but it bothered me all night...
So my fiance's phone died last week,  it still worked occassionly but wouldnt stay turned on or hold a charge, etc etc.  Since he needed a new phone anyway we went out over the weekend to go change carriers an get new IPhones for both of us. 
I didnt realize that everywhere would be sold out of the new IPhone, so I spent the last day or trying to find them to discover that even trying to get them from apple was like trying to hit the lottery or wait two months. I wanted to get the 32 since I was afraid the 16 would run out of space too quick but the only ones I could find are the 64 so yesterday I said screw it, whats another 100 each an I did it... I bought us each a new IPhone
Well he was really upset with me when he realized how much I spent, but I spent it knowing fully what of my money I was spending. I had no intention of asking him to give me the $, I spent it.  I wanted to do something for him, there was no way he was going to survive two months waiting an his Zune is on its way out anyway. Happy wedding present. Well He was rather mad, meanwhile he quickly became addicted to the new toy, but he made me feel like I was out of line an that I should have talked to him first. We didnt talk it over too much,  but I woke up feeling very guilty, cuz maybe we didnt need the 64 so did I throw away the extra $? Should I have 'asked'?
It made me realize that we need to have the money talk; I have no problem sharing finances, but I dont want to be yelled at everytime I spend something. We have both also been really stressed between work an the wedding getting so close. I havent made a big rash impulse buy in a while an I dont go on regular shopping sprees or anything. So do I boil it down to we are both really emotional or was I out of line?

Re: Realization

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    Did you use your own money to buy the phones?  If so then he has absolutely no reason to be mad at you.  Now, if you used joint money that you were possibly saving for something else or used money that was intended to pay the mortgage then yes I can see why he got so mad.

    But it sounds like all you wanted to do was to buy him a nice gift along with updating your own phone.

    Also, I am a believer that each couple should have his, hers and thiers when it comes to finances.  My H and I have separate bank accounts and a joint account.  The money that goes into the joint is to cover bills along with a predetermined amount to build up our joint savings.  The rest of our money from paychecks and such is for our own personal use on anything we want.

    When you completely join your finances you definitely need to talk about what is and is not ok to spend.  At what price range does a conversation need to happen?  Do you need to tell the other everytime you go to the bank and get a few bucks out for lunch that week?  Do you both get an equal "allowance" each month or is it a spend what you need to spend as long as you don't go over a certain amount?

    I am sorry he blew up at you even though he loved the gift (that is kind of confusing).  I definitely think that you need to talk to him about it and your financial issues.

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    I can only speak from my experience with DH but in our case, $800 is too much to spend without at least checking in with the other person.  In general, with big purchases, we want to make the decision to spend the money together. 

    This sounds like an opportunity for you two to get on the same page about your money management.  Even though DH and I maintain separate accounts, the money in them is not mine or his.  You can use this as a chance to decide how you will spend money on big items in the future. You could decide that no purchases about $500 unless you talk first or that once you decide together to spend $X on whatever item, you wait 24 or 72 hours before making the purchase, in case there are feelings of regret.

    In the short tem, if you still feel badly about the purchase, check what your return policy is.  You may have to pay a restocking fee, but you could return the large gig 5s and get a similarly sized 4 or 4s for much cheaper.

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    I can easily understand where both of you are coming from. It really is a good opportunity to discuss how you want to handle finances as a couple. There actually was a thread on this awhile back and there were all kinds of ways couples dealt with joint versus individual finances. It is just something you need to work out together.
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    Since you aren't married, it's your money, and you can do what you want with it.However,now that you are getting married, he's probably thinking about after marriage. He probably wants to be part of your decions now. 

    Since I started dating my fiance', he constantly asks me, should I buy this? When we were dating, I'd say it's your money, why are you asking me? but since we got engaged, I actually talk to him about it and we make the decision together. 

    I think you just need to have the money talk and realize that after your married, he wants to be a part of the decision since you'll be sharing your money :)
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    I see both sides.  It's your money and you wanted to give a gift.  But $800 is a lot of money that could go towards something more "practical".  

    Use this as a learning experience.  DH and I have both joint and individual accounts.  We both get a fun fund.  That money can be used anyway we see fit.  If we want to save up for a large purchase it's does not need to be discussed.   If  we are purchasing something for both of us, we have a $400 limit.  

    Even so, we tend to discuss most purchases between us  Not in a specific way, but more like "hey I'm going to buy a bike"  The other will be like "okay".  IDK, it's more of a courtsey  thing than anything else.   Like, "hey I'm bringing something large or expensive into the home that might effect you or our space.  Just giving you a heads up."







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    We don't have combined finances at this point, but we do split the rent and bills - not to mention savings for the wedding and closing for our new house.  If you asked me 14 months ago if it was a big deal to buy something without asking, I would've said no.  But now that we have all of these joint financial responsibilities, we do check with each other before making any large purchases.  

    I agree that you and your FI need to sit down and discuss finances ASAP.  When it comes to finances, you definitely need to be on the same page or it could cause big problems down the road.
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    You need to have the money talk.  DH and I maintain separate finances but pretty much anything over $200 is discussed first unless it is a b-day or Christmas or anniversary gift to eachother.  I don't think he's so much upset at this as he is at the fact that you were willing to drop this much money on a phone.  He's probably wondering about your money priorities and budgeting.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:9232ffc4-e9a9-4c1c-8edb-1b18aab6405f">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to have the money talk.  DH and I maintain separate finances but pretty much anything over $200 is discussed first unless it is a b-day or Christmas or anniversary gift to eachother.  <strong>I don't think he's so much upset at this as he is at the fact that you were willing to drop this much money on a phone</strong>.  He's probably wondering about your money priorities and budgeting.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    But it seems like her FI was on the same page about buying new iPhones for both of them since they both had gone to look.  It seems like he is pissed that she bought the higher gig iPhone and spent about $200-300 more without telling him.  But if he was that upset he would have said that they should just return the phones and either wait for the lower gigs to come in or buy a lower version of the iPhone.  Instead he pitched a fit but has been enjoying his new toy ever since.

    My feeling is, OP, if it was your money and you decided to go ahead and buy them then that is fine.  As long as, like I said before, you are not short on any other bills for the month and that you didn't pull from a joint savings account because then it is his money too and he should have been added into the decision, then I think it was unnecessary for him to get so upset with you.

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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:c137c5ec-8710-4d7d-834c-876775f558fd">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Realization : What are you basing this on?  OP doesn't give an specific details over HOW her FI reacted other than that he was "upset" and "mad".  Those don't automatically equal pitching a fit.  And enjoying the iphone doesn't automatically mean he now thinks the extra memory was worth the money.  If he's had it for a day, I seriously doubt he's got 32G of stuff on there and is enjoying adding extra games/apps/music beyond that.   Bottom line is that they need to have a financial discussion and get on the same page.  
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>She said he was enjoying his new toy in the original OP. <<<<redundant.</div><div>
    </div><div>Edited to talk about redundancy. </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:09aa65d9-28b5-47ca-b7a9-157350d64523">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Realization : Yes, but she didn't say he "pitched a fit" or a made a huge stink about it.  I don't know about everyone else, but my DH can easily get quite mad without throwing a tantrum or making any sort of huge blowup out of it. And again, of course he's enjoying the iPhone.  He WANTED an iPhone, so it makes sense that he would like it.  That doesn't mean he's enjoying the 64G more than he would have the 32G, since they have the exact same features and capabilities aside from memory.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If he was really so upset, he would return the phone. He would not then become addicted to it and then be upset with her. Whether it's "pitching a fit" or "throwing a tantrum" or whatever else, you don't get to make your SO feel like trash for buying you something and then use it all the time. Absolutely not. 

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:cc3ee258-83ec-45fe-8e5f-dbc90a49c076">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently, I just have way less emotional insight into the OP's relationship than others.   If he made her feel like "trash", then yeah, that's a problem, but it's a bigger problem than an iPhone or even this fight.  DH and I have disagreements, arguments, and get mad at each other plenty, and I can honestly say he's never made me feel worthless or like trash even once.  OP seems confused and frustrated, but not devastated, so I assumed it was a normal level of "I'm mad at you for doing this."  I have never and would never live with a man where being mad automatically equaled pitching fits or making feel like trash, so I am obviously not qualified to continue giving advice in this thread.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm not sure what the heck you are talking about.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP said he was mad about it and made her feel guilty. She wrote those things. I don't think it's completely off base to paraphrase that feeling with a euphemism as most humans above the age of 18 can commiserate with that feeling. So, there ya go.</div><div>
    </div><div>If someone buys you a gift, you either accept graciously or, in the case of something where it could impact your finances as well, you gently suggest returning it and getting something less expensive. You don't play with it and "become addicted" (again her words) and be mad about it. </div><div>
    </div><div>And yes I feel highly qualified to say that. Cause I actually read the OP.

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:932531a5-d96b-4238-81f5-683f4f471116">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Realization : If he was really so upset, he would return the phone. He would not then become addicted to it and then be upset with her. Whether it's "pitching a fit" or "throwing a tantrum" or whatever else, you don't get to make your SO feel like trash for buying you something and then use it all the time. Absolutely not. 
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

    Thank you!  This is what I was trying to say.  In my head I am seeing a grown man acting like a child.  He is mad because of the money spent but if he was that mad he would have returned it, not keep using the phone and enjoying, while making his FI feel guilty about purchasing.  If I was her I would be really confused in this situation.  How can he be so mad and make her feel guilty when he is enjoying the damn thing?

    And I have said before that yes they need to talk about their finances.

    Sorry for using the saying "pitching a fit" when it comes to having an argument or being mad over something.  It was not meant to say that he actually threw a tantrum it was just a way for me to say he got mad.  But I can honestly see this guy in my had stomping his feet, telling his FI that he can't believe that she spent that kind of money and then running off into the living room to play with his phone.

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    Thanks for all of your responses... I feel a little more confident in my decision, but know we definately need to talk out finances in general, we have been sharing bills since we moved in together 5 years ago but we currently have seperate checking and joint savings. I didn't use any of the money from the joint account, rent an all bills are up to date. Even the wedding is practically paid for.

    Typically we do talk about big purchases, but we had already talked about spending $300 on each phone, and I knew I could afford to cover the costs for both phones. This isn't something I typically do, but I can see that it's something we need to discuss

    *And "pitch a fit" is fairly accurate... we both can be a little hot headed.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:5f2ced27-47a1-4e59-b88d-95213ba7edbb">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all of your responses... I feel a little more confident in my decision, but know we definately need to talk out finances in general, we have been sharing bills since we moved in together 5 years ago but we currently have seperate checking and joint savings. I didn't use any of the money from the joint account, rent an all bills are up to date. Even the wedding is practically paid for. Typically we do talk about big purchases, but we had already talked about spending $300 on each phone, and I knew I could afford to cover the costs for both phones. This isn't something I typically do, but I can see that it's something we need to discuss *And "pitch a fit" is fairly accurate... we both can be a little hot headed.
    Posted by Tabbie11[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would definitely do that. And if he is still upset about it, you should suggest taking it back. If he doesn't want to, I think you would be fully justified in saying, "Then I don't want to hear anymore about it." You bought him a gift with your own money. The only option for him is to accept graciously. That's just good manners. </div>
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:63793f29-ae4e-46c6-bb1b-9491398a0f9e">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Realization : I would definitely do that. And if he is still upset about it, you should suggest taking it back. If he doesn't want to, I think you would be fully justified in saying, "Then I don't want to hear anymore about it." You bought him a gift with your own money. The only option for him is to accept graciously. That's just good manners. 
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

    Nodding in agreement.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_realization?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ed95f91b-1dd6-4a98-b3db-974f504d2ca2Post:5f2ced27-47a1-4e59-b88d-95213ba7edbb">Re: Realization</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all of your responses... I feel a little more confident in my decision, but know we definately need to talk out finances in general, we have been sharing bills since we moved in together 5 years ago but we currently have seperate checking and joint savings. I didn't use any of the money from the joint account, rent an all bills are up to date. Even the wedding is practically paid for. Typically we do talk about big purchases, but we had already talked about spending $300 on each phone, and I knew I could afford to cover the costs for both phones. This isn't something I typically do, but I can see that it's something we need to discuss *And "pitch a fit" is fairly accurate... we both can be a little hot headed.
    Posted by Tabbie11[/QUOTE]

    <div>This should be a learning experience and a reason to talk about how finances are going to be handled from here on out.  A lot of people feel like a marriage marks the difference between mine and yours, even if you don't combine into a joint account.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If you normally talk about large purchases, spending $2-300 more than planned would probably require another conversation.  Maybe not a sit down and look at bills, but at least a phone call "hey, I'm here and all they have are 64s.  They're $100 more each.  Cool?"  </div><div>
    </div><div>My H and I talk about anything over $200, even though we have completely separate accounts.  If we'd discussed spending $500 on something but he spent $800 instead without telling me, I'd be upset because he didn't really talk to me about how much he was going to spend.  The idea that it was "his" money wouldn't fly.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I suggest that you let the upset burn out, and then approach it as a starting point for another conversation about financial expectations for each of you.</div>
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