Pastor suggests that we cancel our wedding indefinitely!

BKane2B

My fiancee and I went to our pre-marital counseling session on Wednesday of this week, and after getting our "test results" back, the pastor strongly suggested that we cancel our wedding indefinitely! It's all really a blur to me - a it's upsetting (especially since i'm a previous bride, who was left at the altar!...yes it really does happen!) to hear this. But he said it's due to the problems we have financially right now, and due to some of the things that both us about each other - saying it will never change! He made it out to sound like our relationship has to be PERFECT before our church will even marry us (we goto a non-denominational, incase anyone was wondering).

It's perfectly fine for him to suggest this, when he hasn't had people in the wedding party already buy their non-refundable plane tickets and asked off for work. He isn't the one who's already mailed out invitations!

What makes it worse, is that he hounded my fiancee, until he finally cowered and agreed with him - talk about NOT having any balls to stand up to him. Last night, my fiancee stated that is not how he felt & that he is still expecting to be married in June! WTF!?!?!?!

[Deleted User]

Well, what are the issues? If it just that you don't have a lot of money, then your pastor is full of crap. If you want kids and FI doesn't, then I agree that you should wait. It all depends on what exactly you two don't agree on, as some things can make or break a relationship.

This is exactly why FI and I didn't do any kind of counseling. We don't need someone who knows nothing about us other than what's written on a "test" telling us it's okay to get married.

goheels05

I'm shocked.  We took the test as well, and our priest assured us that you couldn't "fail" it, but it would just show us areas where we might have to work really hard together. 

What issues are making him say you should put the wedding on hold?  I get where you are coming from, but people having bought bridesmaids dresses and plane tickets already is hardly a reason to go through with a wedding if it isn't right.  But I don't need to tell you that given what you've already gone through with your last engagement. 

Assuming the issues are things that can be worked through, what are your other options?  Can you get married at the reception site instead of at the church?

tidetravel

In this situation, I really need to know more details before I can give advice.  I don't know if you can really pass/fail that sort of test, but he is right in that most people DON'T change.  If you have drastically different views or expectations out of marriage and life, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship before you get married. 

I called off an engagement for that exact reason.  I loved my ex, but the fact is that we were at different points in our life and our views of our future were very different.  It sucks to call off a wedding, but it sucks way worse to go through a divorce.

CaptiolBride

if your fi didn't agree with him... why would he pretend? That would raise an eyebrow to me. To have a man that won't stand up for his soon to be wife and marriage. Instead he lets the pastor believe that you shouldn't get married. Now I question who he is being truthful to...you or the pastor.

AlexiaANDRobert

I agree with Tide and Heels.

There are too many questions here...

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pastor-suggests-cancel-wedding-indefinitely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:eef3808e-c3c8-4715-9ce0-603fab0c8201Post:0c86be28-c404-4f8a-8804-1daf4cc38e49">Pastor suggests that we cancel our wedding indefinitely!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiancee and I went to our pre-marital counseling session on Wednesday of this week, and after getting our "test results" back, the pastor strongly suggested that we cancel our wedding indefinitely! It's all really a blur to me - a it's upsetting (especially since i'm a previous bride, who was left at the altar!...yes it really does happen!) to hear this. But he said it's due to the problems we have financially right now, and due to some of the things that both us about each other - saying it will never change! He made it out to sound like our relationship has to be PERFECT before our church will even marry us (we goto a non-denominational, incase anyone was wondering).<strong> It's perfectly fine for him to suggest this, when he hasn't had people in the wedding party already buy their non-refundable plane tickets and asked off for work. He isn't the one who's already mailed out invitations!</strong> What makes it worse, is that he hounded my fiancee, until he finally cowered and agreed with him - talk about NOT having any balls to stand up to him. Last night, my fiancee stated that is not how he felt & that he is still expecting to be married in June! WTF!?!?!?!
Posted by BKane2B[/QUOTE]


If this isn't a perfectly valid reson to go through with a wedding that may very well be a disaster in the making, nothing is!

duckie1905

Honestly, while I don't agree with the way your pastor went about things if you are having serious financial issues then maybe he brings up a valid point.  Maybe you should consider waiting until you are financially stable.

but, that wouldn't be the problem for me.  The fact that your FI was spineless and didn't stand up for you or your relationship or his desire to marry you sucks.  That would be the bigger problem for me.  He doesn't get to cower before the pastor only to take back his statements later. 

regardless, plane tickets and attire are the worst excuses to get married ever.  I find it interesting that those things were the reasons you gave.

without more info, that's all I have.

trix1223

I agree that I'd like to know what he felt was incompatible between the two of you.  But having said that, non-refundable plane tickets is probably among the worst ever ideas for holding a wedding where there might be a questionable future.

janedoe1113a

Yea, I definitely need to know more details.

jenn.daniel

Like pp, more specifics would be helpful.  Some things change, some don't, and some of that depends on the person.  I think what's more important is whether or not you can compromise.

heizer10910

details! i don't think money should stop a marriage, but it is def worth it to talk about how you would be able to survive together on a limited budget.  i doubt you want to talk about everything on here, but it may be worth it to pull your sister or a BFF if you don't have a sister to put everything on the table and ask the tough question if it is worth it.

on the other hand, i hope it all works out in whatever way is right.  i'm sure you love your fiance but don't avoid tough conversations - they only get harder

good luck to you both

saraloulah

You know you best. What's your gut telling you? I'd go with that. Sometimes your body knows things before your head, or your heart does.

katieanne85

more details would be helpful, but a few thoughts on your post:
At my fiance and my first counseling session the pastor talked to us for more than 90 minutes on financial issues, because money is cited as the #1 thing that couples fight about, as well as stewardship being an important ethical issue for christians. He did not bring up much we hadnt already discussed, we have our own share of financial issues so we naturally talk about it, but his main concern was that we have both a strong enough relationship and commitment to eachother to withstand tough times, and we see eye to eye and communicate well on major issues to get past those tough times and come out stronger for it.
my personal opinion, your description of your fiance, putting him down, as well as what he did by lying to either the pastor or you, and your reasoning for needing the marriage to go on as planned, raises red flags in just one post, perhaps the pastor picked them up too. the question then becomes, if need be, would you be willing to put the wedding off to work on important issues and develope the kind of foundation for marriage your pastor thinks you need? will your fiance be willing to make that commitment too? will your pastor work with you? Love, commitment, and hard work can overcome a great deal more than we think sometimes

MzZig2004

more details would be helpful, but a few thoughts on your post:
At my fiance and my first counseling session the pastor talked to us for more than 90 minutes on financial issues, because money is cited as the #1 thing that couples fight about, as well as stewardship being an important ethical issue for christians. He did not bring up much we hadnt already discussed, we have our own share of financial issues so we naturally talk about it, but his main concern was that we have both a strong enough relationship and commitment to eachother to withstand tough times, and we see eye to eye and communicate well on major issues to get past those tough times and come out stronger for it.
my personal opinion, your description of your fiance, putting him down, as well as what he did by lying to either the pastor or you, and your reasoning for needing the marriage to go on as planned, raises red flags in just one post, perhaps the pastor picked them up too. the question then becomes, if need be, would you be willing to put the wedding off to work on important issues and develope the kind of foundation for marriage your pastor thinks you need? will your fiance be willing to make that commitment too? will your pastor work with you? Love, commitment, and hard work can overcome a great deal more than we think sometimes


This!!! Very well stated.

SheilaS

Those people who care enough about you to buy a plane ticket to attend your wedding would want you to go through with it just so they don't waste their money.

Heels, Tide, and CapitolBride are dead on.

mlekitty

Sounds like your fiance has the spine of an eggnoodle.

Don't start fires you can't put out.  Suck it up, pull up your big girl pants, and deal with it yourself.

[Deleted User]

Those tests are variations on the old personality tests plus couples issues.  They are certainly not foolproof, and I find it odd if not egregious that any pastor would advise a couple not to get married purely based on the results of one of those tests.  He might suggest that the two of you discuss certain issues based on the results, or as was pointed out by another commenter, he might tell you that you'll have some difficulties in certain areas.  But then, what marriage doesn't?  It is prudent to wait until financially stable to get married, but that is in an ideal world, and different people have different measures of financial stability.  The two of you may be sans-nest egg and/or living on one income, but you can still afford a roof over your heads.  Whether that is financially stable may be in the eye of the beholder. 

While I agree with the other comments that just because you have made wedding plans is no excuse to go forward with a wedding to someone who is not right for you, I don't think that you and your FI should allow a pastor to badger you into not getting married based solely on some BS personality test result (assuming that is the case).  That is utterly arbitrary and ridiculous.  If that is the way your pastor feels, then run -- not walk -- to another church for your wedding and perhaps for your future church fellowship.

But as others have mentioned, perhaps the bigger issue here is not the pastor, but your FI's wavering feelings.  This is really something the two of you should discuss. 

MoAnamCara

I went through with a wedding because of very similar reasons.....thought all that money had been spent so it was too late to turn back.  Well.....it ended in divorce 6 months later.  Some times those on the outside of a relationship see what is really going on better than those on the inside.

Steffanie85

Why do you need someone's advice or permission to marry someone you love? And if someone tells you that you shouldn't be married because of a "test" then why would you even want to be married there?

However if these are issues that can be worked out then don't listen to anyone's negativity, just what your own intuition is telling you. Sure you and your fiance will have differences of opinions but if you can work through them as a team and know when to agree to disagree and compromise then why shouldn't you be married? A marriage is a partnership and friendship, it isn't supposed to be perfect.

But if the issues are totally drastic lifestyle differences then maybe you need to really consider things before making a commitment. But otherwise I say screw the world and do your own thing, it's YOUR life.

Karen Sheets

First of all, bless you for going through all this stress and pressure and especially since you've been through a similar situation before.  I'm wondering if there are any similarities between the time you were "left at the alter" and this situation?  Have you done any work on what was wrong the first time and now to prevent that from repeating?  Deep down, and you don't have to admit this to anyone, is there a wee bit of truth to what the pastor is saying, but you might be trying to supress that little voice? Believe me, the pressure of wedding preperation can muddle anyone's brain!  Your poor guy sounds like he's pretty mixed up; swayed by the pastor and feeling your stress too.  Wonder what he is really thinking or feeling or wanting? 

megandjay

Could you give more details? I know finances are important, but was that really the only reason he gave? What about finances was so bad? Do you have a lot of debt or really disagree on how to spend money, or who earns the money? What about kids, or running your household?

andyandhillary

I'll go against the grain here but perhaps you should discuss further the reason why you should postpone.  My church does a similar test but you are supposed to do it fairly early on (to avoid the purchasing of plane tickets, invitations, etc).  I'm glad they have you do it.  If you were in such a bad position to fail then there are things that obviously have not been discussed. 

Obviously I don't know what the test consists of but the test I took didn't really ask what kind of financial situation you were in but, more importantly, did you agree on how to deal with your finances as a couple.  Do you? 

Sure, the pastor cannot stop you from getting married but if someone raises serious concerns about it don't you think it deserves some serious thought?  I highly doubt this guy relishes in dashing away a brides' dream. 

SolaraAsh24

I am a Christian but I will tell you one thing - I don't agree with these tests determining finite answers on your future. In fact, I find it quite hilarious how much pressure people put on passing them as if it is some requirement. What I do think is that they should be used to determine potential problem areas and places for negotiation that a couple may not have realized before walking down the aisle. Take what you got from the results and go to an actual certified marriage counselor that isn't involved in a church. Get a second opinion and work from there. If the Church won't marry you, marry in a beautiful park, your reception venue, or other separate venue. Only you and your future hubby know what is right and I don't know any pastor that has truly "known" me to make any of my other life decisions so why start here? Like I said, use the test as a guiding point and work on it from there. However, I'm with others as to why this wasn't done sooner?

Good luck!

megk8oz

Like everybody else, I'd need more details before I could give you better advice.

However, based on just what you've said, I'm not too concerned with the pastor, I'm more concerned that your FI essentially threw your wedding under the bus ... and then tried to "take it back". That really just isn't sitting right with me.

And people buying plane tickets and BMs having dresses already is not a good enough reason to "go through with it". Trust me, nobody wants to go to a wedding and find out 2-3 years later that the couple got divorced over something that they knew was a problem before they even walked down the aisle.

hnelly120

As a premarital counselor, I would probably show concern for a couple that had very different test results, and suggest holding off the wedding.  Although I don't know what the concerns of your pastor were, the test is designed to help you see things more clearly.  I suggest you take the time to sit back, and really think about if the results make sense- do they seem accurate?  are the 'problem areas' potential problems for you down the road?   Try to take an honest look at them.  If you still feel like they are not true concerns, then get a second opinion- maybe get premarital counseling through a professional counselor who has more experience working with couples than most clergy, and see what they make of the test results.  They may be more willing to work with you, though you may have to change pastors for the ceremony.   Keep in mind that while premarital counseling is often a requirement for a wedding, the purpose is preparation for your marriage.  The wedding is exciting and takes a lot of planning, so a lot of the time engaged couples forget to think about planning their marriage in the midst of wedding plans.  The wedding will last a day- your marriage is meant to last the rest of your life.  Though it's frustrating that there are so many plans already made, with the divorce rate at about 50%, take the time to make sure this is this is the right decision.  If you still feel like it is, then make sure you get adequate preparation through counseling to work through the potential problems the test revealed, to help you make the marriage work.  Good luck!

aerinpegadrak

Telling someone that they shouldn't be getting married is a very serious thing, and I doubt the pastor said it lightly.  I have absolute faith that marrying my FI is the right thing to do, but if someone told me that they thought I was making a mistake or should postpone, I would certainly want to hear their reasons why they felt that way, and would give some serious thought to what they said.

Your bridesmaids can always try to resell their dresses to recoup that expense, and call the airline to explain the situation to try to get their money back.  And one of my friends called off her engagement after invitations had already gone out.  Your loved ones would rather go through a bit of hassle changing their plans than see you enter a marriage that's doomed from the start.

I think you should probably get a second opinion.  But if your pastor is an experienced counselor and thinks that your differences are irreconcilable, you have to at least consider the possibility that he's right.  

pokepoke27

I would never be able to see my FI in a favorable light if he would say such a thing to the pastor. You need to step back and evaluate the situation - without thinking about any plans made or money spent. Do you really want people to spend EVEN MORE money on the wedding just to have you get a messy (not to mention expensive) divorce?? Think about what's best for YOUR life and YOUR future. And in the event you don't go through with it - you can always use those plane tickets even if there isn't a wedding. 

cukimerrydoll

Honestly, there are a lot of things that worry me about this post.  The wedding plans seeming to be the biggest concern makes it seem like you are more interested in the wedding than in the marriage.

I took a similar test, and the one I took is designed to show where your problem areas are... finances are one of our biggest problem areas, but it isn't enough to say "cancel the wedding."  There must be more to it that you aren't saying on here.  Are you also not admitting it to yourself or your FI?

Another big problem is that your FI agreed with your pastor, only to take it back later.  I didn't get the impression that you have a very trusting relationship or that you have a lot of faith in it.  If you can't defend eachother in any situation, that is a huge problem.  If a pastor comes between you two so easily, what will it be like if you decide to have children and you disagree?

Honestly, you should really think about everything the pastor has said, see if the three of you can break down the test - question by question if you have to - at least to get a better idea of where he is coming from, what is happening with your FI, and where you should go from here.

renee.himes.osu

50% of all weddings end in divorce.. not saying yours will- but it is understandable an outsider will consider this statistic when judging your relationship.

Keep in mind the word- outsider - he doesn't know your relationship like you two do.

Find out if anyone else in the Church will marry you.  If not- find a priest to marry you at your reception venue (you can even ask a friend to register and obtain the legal right to marry you- which a friend of mine did).

It is up to the two of you to decide the fate of your relationship- you will succeed and/or fail together- and nobody's judgements will play in part in it.

I know people leave their Church over Weddings- it SUCKS! but they don't deserve to have you if they don't respect you!

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

kistykisty

Premarital counselling is a wonderful thing, brought up so many issues that I never would have thought to talk about before we get hitched. I'm not Catholic so as far as the "compatibility test" I'm clueless. Communication is key in any relationship so maybe you should sit down and have a very serious heart to heart with your fiancee.