feeling lost

red3ye

my fiance proposed last july, and we planned the wedding for end of june 2011. we are both nineteen. ive been out of my parents place since i was 17 and now he lives with me. things have been going pretty well, we have known each other for years and i knew something was up when a couple of weeks ago he started making comment about me planning for the wedding and that we have plenty of time for it, (i had asked what his half siblings last names were).  last night i finally got him to open up: he wants to post-pone the wedding for an indefinite length of time. i understand he feels he needs to go out and enjoy himself but to really party the way a young man does, well i dont know if i can have him living with me for the next four plus years while he parties, drinks, and enjoys being young. i feel lost cause i love him and i want him happy, but im selfish and want him to want to be with me. advise on what to do with my suddenly not so ready fiance? do i let him grow out of it while living with me, or do things need to change?

MyNameIsNot

I think he's feeling something really common for someone your age.  At 18-22, most people are in college or out on their own, focusing on figuring out what to do with their lives, friends, and just having fun.  It sounds like he wasn't really that into it when he proposed, or has since changed his mind, and is trying not to hurt you.  

If I were in your shoes, I would have him move out (and maybe get a roommate) and casually date each other and see where it goes.  If things are meant to be between the two of you, you'll have an easier time of it if there is less pressure on the two of you to push toward marriage right away.  

LesPaul

It would be best for him to move out until you both mature and sort out what kind of future you want, whether it is together or not.  You don't want him to feel trapped in the relationship, pressured to set a wedding date he isn't ready for.  If you do this, the resentment will build to an intolerable point.  Even though you are on your own, 19 is so young . . . live separately, date, enjoy each other's company, and figure out where you want the relationship to go.  At least he's being honest with you now - it's hard to accept, but better than divorcing when you're 22.

fwiw - my ex-H and I were 19 and 20 when we got married, and in hindsight we were too young and impulsive, and had no business being married at that age.
 

AdeleDazeem

I think MNIN said it perfectly.  I'd have him move out - however painful that may be - and then see where things go.

My fiance and I were dating at that age, but quite seriously.  He was the best man in his good friend's wedding at the age of 21.  That wedding scared the bejesus out of him and we broke up the day after.  It wasn't because he didn't love me, it was because marriage was a serious step and he wanted to be a little more free.  It was horribly painful, but I have to respect that he was honest with me.  We got back together (three years down the road) and, in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have ever happened for us.

red3ye

thank you.  this is going to be hard, but i agree. thanks agian

NAClark

I agree with what what everyone else has said. I actually was having this conversation with my fiance last night - we have been dating since we were 17 but waited 10 years to get engaged (and will be married in a few months). And we're so glad we did. Another friend got married at 21 and now admits that she didn't appreciate it at the time. I know I didn't. It took getting to my mid twenties to really appreciate what marriage truly means - and I thought I was mature at 19! I think for your own sake, you're better off waiting, even if you still end up marrying the same guy in the end.

DCMcQueen

If him partying and all that is something you can handle, then go for it, let him stay. But if you really feel that marriage is what you wnat, and you think your ready for it sooner than later, then I would move on. If you guys are meant to be, it will happen, but most guys don't grow up and don't want to settle down until after they have been 21 and have gotten sick of the bar scene. Which can take longer then you might think. This is just one of those situations where you have to follow your gut. good luck honey. And on a side note, if ur not 21 yet... trust me when I say life is much different when ur 21 and can go to bars and what not. I personally got sick of it real quick, but this break for you guys might be good for you too. You meet a totally diferent array of people in the "grown up, over 21" world.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-lost?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:efe54a7a-1fb7-4524-a0fd-d09193238172Post:2483083a-741d-41a4-ab82-b2218ee6240e">feeling lost</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance proposed last july, and we planned the wedding for end of june 2011. we are both nineteen. ive been out of my parents place since i was 17 and now he lives with me. things have been going pretty well, we have known each other for years and i knew something was up when a couple of weeks ago he started making comment about me planning for the wedding and that we have plenty of time for it, (i had asked what his half siblings last names were).  last night i finally got him to open up: he wants to post-pone the wedding for an indefinite length of time. i understand he feels he needs to go out and enjoy himself but to really party the way a young man does, well i dont know if i can have him living with me for the next four plus years while he parties, drinks, and enjoys being young. i feel lost cause i love him and i want him happy, but im selfish and want him to want to be with me. advise on what to do with my suddenly not so ready fiance? do i let him grow out of it while living with me, or do things need to change?
Posted by red3ye[/QUOTE]
I went through a very similiar thing. T and I got engaged when we were 19 and talked about a wedding in 2 years well after a while we realized we just wern't ready to get married, we were so young and theres a lot to experience.
We called of the engagement and stayed together and grew up TOGETHER. You can definitely do that, talk to him- make sure he stil lwants to be with you.
It's very likely that he wants to be with you but just doesn't feel ready for marriage and that is ok.

Its been 2 years since T and I called of our engagement and we're still together and talking again about getting married. We will likely get married sometime next year.
I am so, so glad we waited. Looking back I see how much we've matured and experienced and wouldn't trade that for anything.

ETA: T and I lived together when all this happened and we continued to live together, we just took a little step back and slowed things down. At 19, there is no hurry (even though it feels like it)

CaptiolBride

I think I agree with the ladies... you guys have time to grow. Living together will only make things seems like you're already married and many guys will start to feel like "why get married if we are already playing house?" It sometimes becomes less urgent to them. You should have him move out and tell him that you don't want a live in boyfriend but you still want to stay a couple.  If he runs and breaks up... then there is your answer.  But this could be better for the relationship as well. Let us know how it goes. Many guys don't reach the I wanna get married and start a family age until much later than girls.

bbyckes

Let him go.  Literally and figuratively.  He's not ready and that's completely understandable. 

nda_roxybabe

I know its really hard to go through. I am sorry I remember feeling embarrased and ashamed that I was engaged then all of a sudden, not.

debdebdol

I'm in the same boat as NAClark.  My FI and I have been dating since we were 17.  At 18 I so desperately wanted us to get married, and we almost did.  We went on a trip to Lake Tahoe and we were so close to having a quickie chapel wedding, but had second thoughts and did not.  We have remained together and just got engaged last March, on our 10-year anniversary.  We are so glad that we decided to wait.  We got to enjoy our youth, graduate college, and not have the financial stresses of married life. 

You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you.  Enjoy your youth, and accomplish all the goals you want to.  I would definately let him go, if he comes back it was meant to be.  If he doesn't come back there are plenty of fish in the sea.  If we had gotten married at 18, I don't think we would have made it this long.

stinkerbell6879

Ditto all of the great advice! I will tell you this also.....My ex-fiance and I actually laugh and both are VERY glad that we did not get married when we were only 19-20 (We remained friends, and both are marrying other people). So enjoy your life and have a blast being young! and if it is meant to work it will