Parents giving ultimatum with wedding location. Help!

dmb1985

My fiance and I want to have our wedding and honeymoon in Hawaii.  We have been thrilled with the idea of making it super romantic and exchanging our vows under a waterfall.  We want it to be real intimate with only our parents and siblings attending.  Knowing that it is a large expense, we have offered to help people with the financial aspect of coming to our wedding.  However, my parents are coming up with every excuse in the book to not come to Hawaii for the wedding.  They said if I want them to give me away at the ceremony then I better keep my wedding local.  I've always been close with my parents and want them to come, but do I sacrifice mine and my fiance's dream location?  If I settle and have it here in Illinois will I end up resenting them?  What do I do?  Someone please give me some advice because I feel I have hit a wall and I want to start planning my wedding which is less than 6 months away!!!

jeannigirl

Yeah thats kinda hard when the parents are bulking on what you both want. I am going to speak from how I feel, I am a mother that has a daughter who has already talked about getting married to her man. I want her to have the wedding that she wants and if she wanted to have it in the North Pole I would do whatever I had to do to get there to celebrate her special day.

I take it from your writing that you and FI are paying for this dream wedding? So you can either accommodate your parents and have it locally or you can keep it like you want and tell your parents that you will pay for their expenses and then they can make the decision if they want to accept that offer and be at your wedding.

It sounds like this is what you and FI want so just tell your mom that. You have to both figure out what is most important is to have this wedding in Hawaii and not have your parents attend or have your parents be with you on this special day and do it locally. 

No one can tell you what to do you have to search your hearts and find out whats more important.

I hope that I have given you some things to think about,GL

SarahPLiz

Is is more important to you to have your parents there, or to have it in Hawaii? Only you can answer that.

AdeleDazeem

Before my fiance and I became engaged, we had discussed what we wanted for a wedding.  We wanted to go away with just our parents and siblings to an island somewhere and get married while having a family vacation. 

My mother hated this idea.  Can I come up with a stronger word...?  She despised this idea.  She had a vision of what her daughters' weddings would be and this just so did not fit the bill.  It took time and lot of explanation on my part for her to understand why we wanted this over a traditional wedding and what the benefits were.  I am happy to report that she understands and fully supports us after A LOT of communication.

Talk to her.  Really talk to her about the WHYs of this type of wedding, the benefits to her and to the guests.  We also agreed to an at home reception afterward, which seemed like a good compromise. 

Good luck!

goheels05

Play hardball.  Say, "oh, ok then.  We'll miss you!"  They'll back down.

My parents stopped controlling me when they stopped supporting me financially.  Sorry, if I'm not living under your roof and/or going to school/living on your dime, you don't get to make major life decisions.  Them's the breaks.  And you know what?  They respect me for it, and they know better than to try to push me around.

Hinaj

If a Destination wedding is what you really want, then you should have it.  Especially if you are paying for it.  I think you should explain it to your parents, how important the location is to you and your FI and how much it would mean to you guys about their being in attendence.  If that still does not convince them, go with what the pp post said and play hardball, I also think they will back down if you really stick with your wedding plans. 

I am from Chicago, and I know how much my parents want me to get married here with all the family and friends.  But I know if I had decided to do a destination wedding, they might HATE the idea, but they wouldn't miss my wedding over it. 

aerinpegadrak

FI's dad and stepmom have been bitching about our wedding being in Vegas.  We gave absolutely no indication that we were willing to change the location, and whaddaya know, they're booking their hotel. 

If you're old enough to be getting married, you're old enough to stand up to your parents.  Call their bluff.

skippylouwho

I would go anywhere my children held their wedding.  Do I have ideas for what I think would be beautiful, meaningful, fun? Sure and sometimes what I'm thinking matches what they tell me they've decided and other times it doesn't.  It's not my wedding but my children are getting married (2 weddings) and I will go anywhere they tell me they are holding their ceremony.  Only death or natural disaster will keep me from being wherever they are. I've told them - I just want to be there, nothing else matters.

megk8oz

I have to ask, is this about (maybe) your parents' financial situation, where they just couldn't afford to go to Hawaii? Or is it that you're not having what they deem an "ideal" wedding?

If it's you just not giving them their idea of what a wedding is and you're footing the bill, then they can suck it on this one, and you should call their bluff on it. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to call the shots in your life.

If this is about their financial situation, maybe they just feel embarrassed taking money from you? I know that if I'd wanted a DW, my family never could have made it. My parents' are not in the greatest financial shape and on top of that, they would have been paying for not only themselves, but my 4 siblings and my niece to travel and for everybody's lodging. With the exception of my youngest brother (Who is 9), all of my sibs are legal adults and 2 of them work, but I'm the only one who does not live at home-and the only one that currently is not accepting any type of help from them.

When it came to my wedding, my parents actually paid for most of my siblings expenses for being the BP. DH and I paid for the wedding ourselves, but attire and whatnot for that many people can get expensive. There were a few things that I tried to secretly cover the cost of myself (I tried putting money towards the tuxes and BM dresses and then told my mom they cost less than they actually did), but when it came out what I did, both of my parents got extremely embarrassed about it and felt guilty that I was "spending even more money" on the wedding that they already couldn't afford to give me in the first place, and it was just not a happy situation. So it could be that they really can't afford it, and the idea of getting help from one of their children just really makes them feel awful. If this is what the case is, then maybe look into bending or compromising a little with them somehow.

Whatever their reasons, best of luck.

jnish

I think you have tried to be more than accommodating, maybe not in the way they want, but you have. I agree with the previous poster that you need to stand up to your parents. Personally I would say this is what my FI and I have decided it is your decision if you will or will not attend, but if you go that route you will have to be prepared if they say they will not go. Good Luck!

Pirata13

I agree if this is what you really want, don't back down. Talk to them, and then play hardball. If they miss your big day, that's on them. I have a feeling they'd cave, even if it took a while. I think the closer it would get, they won't like the idea of missing it. Good Luck!