HELP!!! I NEED ADVICE!!

texasbride0102

I am so totally overwhelmed! I do apologize for the length of this post but I am in serious need of advice or something. My fianc and I have been together for 9years and we have a great relationship despite how totally different we are. The thing is his mother has been nothing but trouble for us. Recently his dad was locked up for whatever reasonhe paid all the bills at my fianc parents house and instead of finding a job she guilt trips my fiance into giving her money and paying her bills. She is the laziest woman! My fianc and I are still young and trying to pay for a whole wedding ourselves! Its not the fact of helping her its just that all the years we have been together he has always been the son that she totally takes advantage of. Its to the point that we are unable to plan our wedding because she is just blowing through his money without a care. He is so stressed because he doesn't want to see his mom and sister who has 3kids go without. But at the same time his mom and sister just sit around the house and don't even try to get jobs. I just feel so stressed angry and unhappy because I am a bride to be and I really don't know if the wedding is going to happen. Am I wrong for being upset? I really feel like she is doing this on purpose because she has never like me! She hates the fact that I am not a Hispanic woman. I feel that she is just sabotaging everything! I just cant stop crying! Its just hard to bare the fact that she is always getting money from my fiance but shortly after that she some how pops up with a new coach purse. Like how can you say that your husband left you with so many bills but you still find a way to buy expensive things!?. We are both so stressed and I really don't know how to deal with this. Like if he doesn't help his family it looks bad but at the same time its like his family is ruining what we are trying to do because they are too lazy to work for their own money. I just don't know what to do anymore. Like all of this has been putting so much stress on our relationship. We can't even enjoy our engagement. Please tell me if im wrong for venting like this. I just feel so empty!

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-52?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4ac2a18-8af9-4e57-bc4a-22752ba8b8b6Post:e4b8a194-8c1c-4449-9a6d-a89648508a3a">Re: HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fiance is the problem here. You need to sit down with him and explain that while it's important to help your family, that you two can not afford to support his mother. <strong>If you don't have this discussion now, you'll be paying for this woman to live for the rest of your lives. </strong>And if he won't change, then maybe you need to find someone who isn't such a mama's boy.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Exactly this. One of my good friends is marrying a man next year who makes a substantial amount of money (way more than anyone in his family has), and he is constantly giving them money. It frustrates her so bad because his brother just annouced they are having another kid, after her fiance just sent them a 5 figure check to help with expenses.
She won't stand up to him (which is a different topic altogether), but this has been going on for 5 years and it shows no sign of stopping.

mrsbiss2be

I have to agree with the rest. Your fiance needs to put his foot down and say one important word. NO. No more money should be given to them. They don't need him for financial help. The goverment has a thing called welfare and if they don't want to go on it because their too good for it then they don't need the money.

At this point it's not just affecting him, but you as well and your future.

This needs to stop imediately!!

If I were you I would sooo OUT her! Ask her where that new "coach bag" came from.

I'm just a smarta$$ though, and would take pleasure in her squirming for an answer.

zantster

Just ask yourself one question, can you live with this for the rest of your life?  If not, then you have to rethink your plans.  Because planning on someone else changing something they've been doing for years just because you get married is no plan at all.  He is who he is and your FI won't change unless he wants to, which from what you've written it doesn't appear he does.  I know it's easy to say for someone who hasn't been in the situation for 9 years.  But if this is a deal breaker you might look back after 15 years and wished you had left at 9.  Without going into detail, I know this from experience.  But if it's not a deal breaker and you can live with it then let it go and move on with the acceptance of your FI as being a mama's boy.  Some women can live with it.  Others can't.  Only you know which category you fall into.

mcda04

This is very common in Hispanic families. Not my case but I’ve heard of men being “responsible” for their family’s well being even after they are married. Sounds like you have one of those. I agree with all PP’s, you need to give your FI the ultimatum and if he decides to keep supporting them, then it’d be time for you to decide whether or not you want to be on the back burner the rest of your life.

courtski2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-52?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4ac2a18-8af9-4e57-bc4a-22752ba8b8b6Post:9920bc96-f857-4bb9-ad04-b13e4961e923">HELP!!! I NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so totally overwhelmed! I do apologize for the length of this post but I am in serious need of advice or something. My fianc and I have been together for 9years and we have a great relationship despite how totally different we are. The thing is his mother has been nothing but trouble for us. Recently his dad was locked up for whatever reasonhe paid all the bills at my fianc parents house and instead of finding a job she guilt trips my fiance into giving her money and paying her bills. She is the laziest woman! My fianc and I are still young and trying to pay for a whole wedding ourselves! Its not the fact of helping her its just that all the years we have been together he has always been the son that she totally takes advantage of. Its to the point that we are unable to plan our wedding because she is just blowing through his money without a care. He is so stressed because he doesn't want to see his mom and sister who has 3kids go without. But at the same time his mom and sister just sit around the house and don't even try to get jobs. I just feel so stressed angry and unhappy because I am a bride to be and I really don't know if the wedding is going to happen. Am I wrong for being upset? I really feel like she is doing this on purpose because she has never like me! <strong>She hates the fact that I am not a Hispanic woman</strong>. I feel that she is just sabotaging everything! I just cant stop crying! Its just hard to bare the fact that she is always getting money from my fiance but shortly after that she some how pops up with a new coach purse. Like how can you say that your husband left you with so many bills but you still find a way to buy expensive things!?. We are both so stressed and I really don't know how to deal with this. Like if he doesn't help his family it looks bad but at the same time its like his family is ruining what we are trying to do because they are too lazy to work for their own money. I just don't know what to do anymore. Like all of this has been putting so much stress on our relationship. We can't even enjoy our engagement. Please tell me if im wrong for venting like this. I just feel so empty!
Posted by texasbride0102[/QUOTE]

Is your FMIL hispanic? If so, I think it is a cultural difference more than anything. If the man of the house is to be the provider and the father is not in the picture, that means that the role of responsibility may have fallen to your fiance in the eyes of his mother and sister.

I have had many conversations with a male hispanic co-worker of mine regarding roles and responsibilities in marriages, and he is always alarmed at how much my H helps out with household chores. I explain to him that we share the responsibilites and both work, but he has a hard time understanding that dynamic. To me, his views are very 'old-school', but that is just a result of the culture that he was raised in. It isn't wrong, just different.

If this is the case with your FIL's, I would be very careful in bringing this up as it may offend--even though you don't intend to. It is something important to be mindful of. It doesn't change the fact that you and your FI need to discuss the division this is causing in your own relationship, because this is not something that will change immediately. You need to set financial boundaries sooner than later. Regardless, your FI needs to be the one to put his foot down with FMIL and FSIL. Not you.

sierraberry32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-52?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4ac2a18-8af9-4e57-bc4a-22752ba8b8b6Post:87ba73b7-de8f-4a10-90a3-42098dc5b6e1">Re: HELP!!! I NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to HELP!!! I NEED ADVICE!! : Is your FMIL hispanic? If so, I think it is a cultural difference more than anything. If the man of the house is to be the provider and the father is not in the picture, that means that the role of responsibility may have fallen to your fiance in the eyes of his mother and sister. I have had many conversations with a male hispanic co-worker of mine regarding roles and responsibilities in marriages, and he is always alarmed at how much my H helps out with household chores. I explain to him that we share the responsibilites and both work, but he has a hard time understanding that dynamic. To me, his views are very 'old-school', but that is just a result of the culture that he was raised in. It isn't wrong, just different. If this is the case with your FIL's, I would be very careful in bringing this up as it may offend--even though you don't intend to. It is something important to be mindful of. It doesn't change the fact that you and your FI need to discuss the division this is causing in your own relationship, because this is not something that will change immediately. You need to set financial boundaries sooner than later. Regardless, your FI needs to be the one to put his foot down with FMIL and FSIL. Not you.
Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]


 So true! Great advice, and nice understanding!

Sjmiller418

I agree with everyone else that you definitely need to have a talk with him about the situation before getting married. I don't agree though that if he is willing to help that he should cut them off completely if they legitimately need help. When talking to your FI why not suggest he find a way to directly pay the bills instead of giving his mom cash. That way he his fulfilling his role of his cultural obligations by helping support his family since his father is unable to but his mother and sister won't be able to spend the money on Coach purses.

texasbride0102

Thank you so much for all of your advice! Cfaszews25 I totally understand what you are saying. I have never said too much because I didn't want to be overpowering about his family issues but you are right we need to have a serious talk cwaggoner07 thank you for your advice yeah its kinda the same situation his sister is on baby 3 but won't get a job Mrsbiss2be thank you for your post. When I talk to him I will bring up the government assistance issue. You are totally right this has to stop.. Lol only in my wildest dream would I OUT her. In real life this would start a war! But it would be awesome to watch her squirm! Zantster thank you for your post. The answer is no way no how I could live with this the rest of my life. I really thought about what u said when you wrote if this is a deal breaker I might look back 15 yrs later and wish I had of left at 9yrs. You make a great point. I don't won't to regret what we have years down the line. I love him so much and I know he loves me but this has to stop. I feel like such a bad person because at this point if he won't change idk if I can continue this relationship. I feel like im making him choose between me or his family. Retreadbride thank you for your post. I so understand what you are saying and I totally agree with you!

texasbride0102

mcda04 you hit the nail on the head. It feels like im on the back burner when it comes to his family. Thank you so much for your post Courtski2004 thanks for your post. I am African American and Asian my FI is Hispanic. The situation with his family is the only thing I have to complain about. We share household chores equally.. He even cooks for me all the time. He is a great guy.. Well besides the obvious! The fact of being overpowering or offending him is the reason I have not said too said. I agree with your post Laure thanks for your post and really good ideas separate bank accounts is definitely in order. And you are right we need to talk Sjmiller418 thank you for your post and great ideas. I would be more for him helping out with bills if he paid them directly. I am not a cold hearted person and agree with you I don't want him to completely cut them off if they really need they the help. But I also feel that they should get jobs and pay their own bills

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-52?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4ac2a18-8af9-4e57-bc4a-22752ba8b8b6Post:4887893c-1b92-4725-9c49-27409c0465ba">Re:HELP!!! I NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Zantster thank you for your post. The answer is no way no how I could live with this the rest of my life. I really thought about what u said when you wrote if this is a deal breaker I might look back 15 yrs later and wish I had of left at 9yrs. You make a great point. I don't won't to regret what we have years down the line. I love him so much and I know he loves me but this has to stop. I feel like such a bad person because at this point if he won't change idk if I can continue this relationship. I feel like im making him choose between me or his family. Retreadbride thank you for your post. I so understand what you are saying and I totally agree with you!
Posted by texasbride0102[/QUOTE]
(long response) You sound like a sweet young lady who wants to do the right thing.  And I commend you for trying to approach this from a fully informed standpoint and looking at all the pros and cons.  But at the end of the day, please do not feel like a bad person.  You can never be held responsible for making another person change or choose between him or his family.  You don't have that kind of control over anyone but you and don't let anyone make you thnk otherwise. 

In fact, if he does not want the same thing that you want, and he only chose your way out of guilt or obligation, you wouldn't want that either because he could resent you and take it out on you later.  However, the fact of the matter is that you have just as much right to expect to have a marriage that reflects what you want as your FI has.  Caving in to his way will be just as bad as if he begrudgingly gave in to you.  You two either want the same things or you don't.  If not, then you are doing both you and him a favor by figuring that out now and amicably going your separate ways as friends.  You've already said that you can't put up with this type of divided household hierarchy where your FMIL gets to dip into the money pot whenever it suits her forever. 

I agree with PPs about the cultural implications.  But again, what you want is just as important as what he wants.  Sometimes these kinds of things just don't fit.  Like a friend of mine whose African boyfriend wanted her to prove her fertility by getting pregnant before marriage.  That was a total deal breaker for her and they broke up after years of trying to work it out.  But a lot of folks nowadays don't have a problem with having babies first so it's just up to the person.  Stand your ground and do what's right for you.

mcda04

texasbride0102: While I commend you for taking all the advice to heart, I’d like to add that your FMIL might be acting a little spiteful. I hate to sound so negative and judgy but my FMIL acts this way towards my FBIL’s fiancée. She does a lot of stuff just to contradict her or her plans. For example, she was planning a B-Day party for my BIL and just to go against her plans, my MIL plans another one at her house and forces him to attend and leave the one his fiancée had planned. I think they just act this way because they don’t know how to deal with the idea that their “babies” are leaving them and there will be another important woman in their lives