Future step daughter causing trouble

dswams

I am an older bride (52) with two children, marrying a great guy(64) with five children. All but one of our kids are married and totally supportive of our upcoming marriage. But there's the one...only single daughter of his that has said some unbelievable things. Prior to announcing our engagement she asked her dad not to get remarried until her mother (his ex) had "healed" from their divorce of 18 months and had found a boyfriend for herself. He told her no. Then the latest is that at dinner last week she asked us not to married until 2011, even though she knows site is booked and all arrangements have been made for 2/13/2010 wedding. She also indicated she has another wedding to go to that night and doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. Then had the nerve to ask if we would supply her a cab home that night (if she comes) implying she'll be drinking heavily! She's not a child, she's 30. Any thoughts? Is there always a problem child?

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-step-daughter-causing-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f51a596f-f953-4826-ae80-c90df847d5d1Post:fffc1ef7-27a6-437e-a242-82113b36c9d7">Future step daughter causing trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]I am an older bride (52) with two children, marrying a great guy(64) with five children. All but one of our kids are married and totally supportive of our upcoming marriage. But there's the one...only single daughter of his that has said some unbelievable things. Prior to announcing our engagement she asked her dad not to get remarried until her mother (his ex) had "healed" from their divorce of 18 months and had found a boyfriend for herself. He told her no. Then the latest is that at dinner last week she asked us not to married until 2011, even though she knows site is booked and all arrangements have been made for 2/13/2010 wedding. She also indicated she has another wedding to go to that night and doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. Then had the nerve to ask if we would supply her a cab home that night (if she comes) implying she'll be drinking heavily! She's not a child, she's 30. Any thoughts? Is there always a problem child?
Posted by dswams[/QUOTE]

What else is she doing?  Doesn't sound like she's causing trouble, but more like she just doesn't want her dad to get remarried so soon.  I think she may have overstepped boundaries asking you to change the wedding date or by asking her father to postpone marrying you, but I wouldn't call her a problem child.

Here's what you do:  You go ahead with you 2/13 date, you get her a cab at the wedding and call it a day. 

SarahPLiz

Ok. When my mom met my step dad, I didn't like him. He and I didn't get along at all. I was in college and didn't want nor need another man besides my father acting like one. I admit I probably caused some problems. We had a few nasty blowups. It has taken 10 years, but we are now on good terms. I appreciate how well he takes care of my mom and little sister and how much my mom loves him.

However, if  had pulled a stunt like that and said I wasnt showing up to their wedding, and tried to control that situation, I think my mom would have told me FIne, Don't show! We'll miss you! I was 20  at the time, so its different than being 30. She wants control of the situation. Don't give it to her. Let her father handle her behavior, but don't give in to her yourself. Your date is set and if she declines the invite, then that is her choice. If she's 30, she should know better than to get smashed at a wedding and not have a DD already. Your husband sounds like he is enabling a binge drinking problem in his child and I think that is an issue you need to deal with him on.

Bottom line, his child's behavior is his problem. Talk to him about it, but its not your place to confront her. Let them work through it, and you just kill her with kindess (or civility, whatever you can muster).

lyndausvi

Nice.

Having another wedding the same night.  "Oh I'm sorry, your father will be so disappointed you can not be there?"  End of conversation.  I can't imagine who's wedding it could be that is more important than dad.

The cab home.  What an odd reques from a 30 year old.  I think I would just ingore the question.  In the event she did actually need one after the wedding, I would pay for it.  But I would do that for any of my guests, let alone my child/step-child.

dswams

We both told her that we would miss her if she wasn't there but of course would be her choice whether to attend. Also that we would not be having a cab there waiting for her. 

Her siblings are ticked at her for making up an excuse not to attend. they say she doesn't have another wedding to go to.

Her dad has tended to spoil her in the past since she's the only single daughter but knows she's out of line on what she's saying. She would like to be the one controlling things, he isn't going for it. 

i'm sorry, maybe i'm old fashioned but i'm appalled that a stepchild would plan on deliberately getting drunk at our wedding celebration. THis is going to take place in a very elegant country club not a bar.

FYI, her father and i met a year ago and i had nothing to do with the end of his marriage.

SarahPLiz

Then yes, she is just being a spoiled brat and is probably jealous that she is the only unmarried one in the family. Stick to your guns. Its ok to be appalled, because her behavior is appalling. However, don't pay it too much attention, because then you are giving her what she wants, just like a child. I have a feeling from what you said that her siblings may have a Come to Jesus meeting with her.

squirrly

I'd likely give her a stunned stare, say "You'll be missed," and move on with my plans as-is. 

As for the cab - we're having an open bar at our wedding and providing transportation for our guests, as I KNOW many will need it.  Without knowing your step-daughter, her personality, or her drinking habits, I have no idea if that's an absurd request or if she's just telling you she's intending to party hard and have a good time.  Either way - I'd provide the cab.  Cheap peace of mind.

dswams

Thanks for your input. I did think I knew the best way to handle her but was feeling very aggravated by even having to deal with this.
I realize it would be unrealstic to have all seven of the adult children involved act mature and be supportive. I suppose there's always going to be one that's stirring things up!
I feel sorry for my fiance since I know he'll be disappointed if all of his children aren't there. It won't change what we do...just will be a hurt to him.

Kristin789

>>was feeling very aggravated by even having to deal with this.

YOU don't deal with this.

She is HIS daughter.  HE deals with this.

And he should be dealing with this before you even get wind of any of it.  If she calls him or e-mails him or tells him in person that she has another wedding that night, then HE responds, and says nothing more about it.  Problem presented, and then problem solved.  BY HIM.

jeannigirl

I would say whatever needed to be said to her once and that would be all.  No more discussion do what your going to do. We would like to have you at the wedding but that will be your decision to come and to get yourself home if you plan on drinking.