FMIL won't write a guest list. Advice?

keanihauikalani

We got engaged in September and are getting married in March 2011. From the beginning I've been asking fh and fmil for a guest list and mailing addresses. I have yet to receive anything. I keep asking fmil but she gets grumpy and irritated when I ask her. I ask fh continuously and he keeps saying that he'll "ask her tomorrow". I have no idea if he "forgets" to ask or if she grumbles to him like she does to me. ffil doesn't want to get involved which is no help to me. Our invites are going out as soon as January comes around and I don't know what to do. Advice?

[Deleted User]

Your FI needs to ask her for them asap. I know most guys don't care about weddings as much as girls do, but hopefully he understands the importance of getting the invites out in a timely manner.

Do you not have a good relationship with FIL's?

Summer2011Bride

I would (or have your FI if he will do it) say something to her like, "The invitations are being sent out on January _____. I know coming up with guest lists isn't the most fun thing to do, but I'd appreciate it if I could get yours by then. If not, I won't be able to invite any guests you would like there." Then, when that date comes, if I didn't have hers, I'd send mine anyway. You can't force them out of her.

Having said this, I think your FI needs to stand up to her and take some action to get them if you are having no luck. Does he not have a good relationship with her? Will he normally confront her about things?

marissa_claire

Your FI just needs to give her a simple ultimatum.  'Look, ma, if you don't give me names and addresses by Christmas, then these folks won't be invited."  She's clearly not getting the point so just make it as black and white as possible and make sure she knows that it's on her if she doesn't give you addresses.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmil-wont-write-guest-list-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f881004f-1589-42b0-b43d-d7707f033873Post:32e60e27-b695-404c-842b-ba13029ef1cf">Re: FMIL won't write a guest list. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FI just needs to give her a simple ultimatum.  'Look, ma, if you don't give me names and addresses by Christmas, then these folks won't be invited."  She's clearly not getting the point so just make it as black and white as possible and make sure she knows that it's on her if she doesn't give you addresses.
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

This x2

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmil-wont-write-guest-list-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f881004f-1589-42b0-b43d-d7707f033873Post:e1d6e8f2-1aaf-4e99-800f-3534c2068933">FMIL won't write a guest list. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]We got engaged in September and are getting married in March 2011. <strong>From the beginning I've been asking fh and fmil for a guest list and mailing addresses.</strong> I have yet to receive anything. I keep asking fmil but she gets grumpy and irritated when I ask her. <strong>I ask fh continuously and he keeps saying that he'll "ask her tomorrow". I have no idea if he "forgets" to ask or if she grumbles to him like she does to me</strong>. ffil doesn't want to get involved which is no help to me. Our invites are going out as soon as January comes around and I don't know what to do.<strong> Advice?
</strong>Posted by keanihauikalani[/QUOTE]

This isn't a FMIL problem, this is a FI problem. Marry a man you can count on and who has balls. That's my advice.

ChickenOnSunday

Tell the boy to call his mother tonight. Hand him the phone and sit there while they have the conversation.

sister2groom

At this point, I might just have FI write the list himself and send it his mom to critique.That way you won't get a surprise 30 extra people. Plus, people are much more likely to criticize than do something on their own so you might have an easier time getting her to help.

mattycam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmil-wont-write-guest-list-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f881004f-1589-42b0-b43d-d7707f033873Post:9974c102-fe45-495b-be83-83f068064c98">Re: FMIL won't write a guest list. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would (or have your FI if he will do it) say something to her like, "The invitations are being sent out on January _____. I know coming up with guest lists isn't the most fun thing to do, but I'd appreciate it if I could get yours by then. If not, I won't be able to invite any guests you would like there." Then, when that date comes, if I didn't have hers, I'd send mine anywayPosted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

That's exactly what I was thinking

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmil-wont-write-guest-list-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f881004f-1589-42b0-b43d-d7707f033873Post:19b4b5b4-8b06-40bb-bb1c-94b8f4f68cd2">Re: FMIL won't write a guest list. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]At this point, I might just <strong>have FI write the list himself and</strong> <strong>send it his mom to critique.</strong>That way you won't get a surprise 30 extra people. Plus, people are much more likely to criticize than do something on their own so you might have an easier time getting her to help.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't even do that. Have him write the list and whoever he comes up with, that's who gets invited. It sounds like she's had plenty of chances to get the list together and has refused to. It also sounds like a power struggle. Letting her "critique the list" gives her all the power. One of you needs to stand up to her and it doesn't sound like your FI ever will.

aerinpegadrak

Ditto both marissa and ziti.

jessienjeremy

Tell FI to tell her you are mailing out invites on this date and you don't have them then they don't get them.  My FMIL was the same way. I literally got her list the week we were sending them out. Not to mention half of them have come back because the address was wrong. She didnt bother to call the people and check to make sure it was the same address that they had 6 yrs ago with FBIL got married she just assumed no one moved.  So FI is a little tiffed that we put together all these invites and put stamps on them for them just to be sent back. 

redheadfsu

Just tell your FI that he need to tell her that she needs to give you the list by X date or they are not invited & he can explain to everyone why it happened. Or he could make the guest list. This is really a FI problem. He needs to handle this one way or another. If he doesn't why would you marry him? This paints a very bad picture of him.

strasbjl

I agree with most people...Tell her when you are sending the invites out (an exact date) and tell her who ever you don't have on the list by that date will not get an invite.

On another note...I feel like your FI is not doing enough.  Does he not care if his side of the family comes?  Aside from that...can he not make a list of his family members himself...contact them for their addresses if he does not have them and do it by the middle of January...especially if he is seeing any of them for the holidays...have him ask for their addresses in person.  Get him into the game!

flapper2011

Is it just a matter of getting addresses? Because unless your FI's family is paying for the wedding, then they technically aren't entitled to a say in the guest list- especially if they are going to act like this. I mean, it's nice to ask inlaws who they want to include, but if they are going to be stubborn, maybe just try coming up with your own list. Unless, as I said, it's a matter of not having addresses. I had that problem, too- people not willing to give out addresses or too lazy to look them up.

keanihauikalani

THANKS everyone. fmil and I have always had a really good relationship for the past 3.5 years. She was like my "second mom". But all of a sudden she seems like she's sitting in a rain cloud. lol. I've given deadlines before but still nothing. I told him that if it's not done by then end of the year then too bad, they lost their chance. Fmil carries a address book in her purse but her "script" is to crazy for me to read & it's very unorganized. Also, he and fmil said they were going to hand deliver so they don't need to write down addresses. I firmly said no because with our son's first bday party she was supposed to hand deliver but admitted to us the other week that she threw away a bunch of them (to busy; to tired; didnt want to deliver). We spent money(!) so why would you throw it away? ugh. sorry, had to vent. lol. THANKS!

Mary Susan and Chris

Have your FI do what mine did. He created the list of who he wanted to invite from family, friends, and church people and just sent it to his parents and said this is who I want to invite if you have any additions get them to me by...(he gave them a deadline date). They both responded and only with a couple of additions. I hope this helps.

cbaber

I would be worried that many folks would just show up if she didnt put a lot of thought into the list . . that would be a nighmare . . or, family members who didnt get invites would hear from other family members who did and, all of a sudden, *you* are the bad guy . .
why dont you plan a girls day out with FMIL -- have a long lunch and at least get names from her . . then, you can do the legwork of getting the addresses on your own . .

Juliet212

Doesn't your wedding budget depend on how many people are coming? I would find it so difficult to not have my approximate list by now.

If you asked a number of times for the guest list and she didn't respond to you I would drop it on your end. It is now your FI's issue to deal with her. If you keep pushing the envelop it's only going to end up in a a disaster and argument. It's not worth having a problematic relationship with her when this is your Fi's side of the family issue.

I agree with most PP on here. He needs to do this tonight. If she gives him an attitude about it then he needs to tell her that if she doesn't give you the list by whatever date then they will not be invited.

Also, have him sit down and think of all of the names off the top of his head. He needs to be much more involved in this. I can understand if he doesn't want to get into all little details with you but he's not helping out at all... that's lazy on his part. I would be pretty upset at them both.

russe289

My FMIL was the same way. It took her 4 months to get me the list. Fortunately, we have a long engagement so she didn't hold things up too much.

Sounds like you need to have a sit down with your FH and tell him how much you really need his help on this. Tell him it is important to you to make sure his family is just as included in this process as yours is, but that his mom's unwillingness to make a guest list is making it really hard for you to do that. And most importantly, GIVE A DEADLINE AND STICK TO IT! (I know that can be hard!). Tell both of them that you need that list by (whatever date you decide) and if you don't get it, you will sit down with your FH and make the list together (if he is reluctant, just remind him of something you do he REALLY likes and he'll give in ). Then ask his aunt or grandma or someone who would have those addresses.

It is frustrating, I know. Just hang in there lady! It'll all work out great

keanihauikalani

also, fmil loves to invite random people to parties by word of mouth and doesn't say anything of him or I. Then we end up with not enough food/tables/etc. Plus at our son's first birthday a whopping 20 people extra showed up. We didn't know they were coming (we never invited them) because we both didn't know any one of those 20 people, and didn't have enough chairs, tables, etc. Plus, who likes getting a bill that's $500 over what you thought you were going to spend?

Storytime

I was having a really hard time getting a list out of my FMIL, but finally got it out of her a week ago, because she had to make the list anyway to send Christmas cards.  Maybe some serious reminding now (just ask her for her Christmas card list) will help?

gailpete

YIKES-Your FI needs to talk to his mother and make it very clear that only those people that receive invitations in the mail will be invited and only those that RSVP yes will be allowed into the reception.  Do not let your FMIL invite people by word of mouth and do not give her any invitations to hand out.

If your FI can put together a list of family that should be invited, go to his mom and say I need addresses for these people and have him sit there until he gets the addresses.  He can tell her that since she didn't want to put together a list, these are the only people from the FILs side that are being invited.

keanihauikalani

gail-thanks. I told her that we will have a seating chart so whoever is not invited won't have a seat. I'm not sure if we'll actually do that but hopefully it gets her moving. lol.

bravenewgirl85

I am having my wedding in June and am handing a prelim "attending" and a "maybe" guest list to both families (and both my mom and dad since they are divorced) and saying if you want to add anyone go for it, and if you have any opinions on whos coming then state them now. LOL. I am more of a take charge kind of person though and dont know if this would work with everyone. I am doing this in January after the holidays have settled down.