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Help! Uninvolved Bridesmaid!

I have five of my closest friends as bridesmaids for my wedding in May, 2010. Four of them are people I have grown up with and are all really close. The fifth one is someone I am really close with at work, and while she's met the others, they are not very close. My bridesmaids have tried to include her in planning the Jack and Jill or getting together with  them to try dresses, and she continuously cancels plans or does not return phone calls. All five bridesmaids live in NH, and I live in NY. They have been a huge help in the wedding planning while I am out of state. I feel bad because she is going through a divorce and has a demanding work schedule, but at the same time it is not fair to the other bridesmaids that she is not participating. She is the only one to not get measured or pick her dress. I know that I should address this with her, but I am torn on what to say. I want to ask if this is too much and she wants to step out of the position, but I do not want to hurt her feelings. What do I say to get her to participate more without offending her?

Re: Help! Uninvolved Bridesmaid!

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    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is still 6 months away. You said yourself that she is going through a divorce right now, has a demanding work schedule, and does not know the other 4 girls very well. If it is important to you to have her in the wedding and she truly is one of your best friends I think you need to cut her a little slack. If you have a deadline for the dresses give her that deadline and see if there is anything you can do to helpn her make it. As far as the Jack & Jill goes - I am going to assume that won't be for a few months as well. Try not to put yourself in the middle of "bridal party stuff". Etiquette says that you should not have anything to do with parities being thrown in your honor and it's really not cool of your other BMs to tell you how involved or uninvolved said BM has been.It's stressful but just remember that you asked her to be a BM because of how much she means to you. I think you need to reach nout to her and make sure she is ok - being part of tyour wedding is likely taking an emotional toll on her given what she is going through. GL!
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    edited December 2011
    ditto Gabs, 100%.Also, no one in your bridal party has any obligation to do anything beyond getting a dress and showing up.  If your friend is going through all you say she is, this is a difficult time for her, cut her some slack.  AND, tell the other BM's to keep their comments to themselves.  You don't need to deal with their feelings about her on top of what you have to deal with right now.  They're the ones being inappropriate. 
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    EDK2010EDK2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Totally agree with Gabs and Chayer.I was in a wedding over the summer for my best friend, and some of her BMs weren't being helpful in planning stuff like the shower/bachelorette. The rest of us just picked up the slack, because ultimately it was about the Bride and making sure things were the best they could be for her instead of getting caught up in the drama of " so and so isn't doing as much as me". Like Chayer said, your BMs need to deal with this themselves. Maybe your MOH could talk to her about getting sized (my MOH had trouble with the other BMs getting sized too). That is really the most important thing, the other stuff is extra and while it is nice to have everyone participate equally you can't expect it.
    TTC #1 Since July 2011
    BFP #1 2/28/12- 3/3/12 CP at 4w3d
    BFP #2 4/1/12- 5/7/12 Missed M/C at 8w4d (measuring 6w3d)
    TTC on hold until December
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    edited December 2011
    Let me also say that I can sympathize with your feelings.  I had a BM back out of my wedding - because her husband's sister chose my exact day to get married, with only 7 months notice (I was engaged for 15 months).  I know first-hand how much it hurts to have people around you not share your excitement about your big day.  I was hurt beyond words to know that she believed she had someplace more important to be that day, than with me, after agreeing to be in my wedding for 8 months of my planning.Try not to let it bother you, and be sure that you're supporting her through this hard time in her life, and I bet she'll come around.  It's hard to be happy for other people when you're in such a sad situation yourself.  Your feelings are valid, please don't think we're saying that.
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    Starfish724Starfish724 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey Ginny! I agree with the other girls. If I were you, I would try to take it easy on her. Going through a divorce while trying to be a bridesmaid for another wedding must be really difficult. I would suggest trying to nudge her a bit on getting measured and chosing a dress. Maybe you two could go together? Other than that, it sounds like she's got a lot on her plate right now. Since you two are really close, I'm sure she doesn't mean to offend anyone. I'd just let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. (p.s. it's Jamie- from high school)
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone. Planning a NH wedding from NY can be stressful, and it is easy to get caught up in the details. Thanks for helping me put things in perspective!
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