thinking of giving up...

meg2k8

FI & I met my mother to look at invitations this morning. Let's put it this way: I'm ready to elope.

My parents are paying for everything (grateful!) but from the very beginning it hasn't been the wedding I imagined. FI & I prefer a small, intimate wedding on the beach... feet in the sand, etc. etc.  
Presently, we have put a small deposit down at a local state park on the shore, that is all that has been purchased, along with my dress which we got for a great deal.

The invitations I really liked were relaxed, some had fancy font with roman mixed in. My mother was looking at the black tie types. As we left the shop, mother dearest said something along this line: 'I hope you're not going to pick something childish' (refering to the font).

Now FI & I are looking at wedding packages in FL. This is supposed to be fun, isn't it?? I just want to cry.

AmyLou09

If you feel that strongly about it, keep looking for sure but be prepared to foot the bill yourself if your mother doesnt come to understand what it is that you want for YOUR wedding.

I think mom's get so excited sometimes it's like they are planning their own wedding and just want everything to be "perfect" but THEIR version of perfect.  Maybe it would help to sit down and have a heart to heart with her about it?  but again, be prepared that she just might not get it and you may have to really decide between their money with their strings attached or doing it your way on your own dime.

Good luck!

meg2k8

AmyLou09: I did think about the possiblilty of mom&dad financial backout. In that case we have already planned to have a short vacation on The Cape or go to FL and have it just be us. I do want to sit down with her however she got annoyed with me because I kept changing the date (~5 times). With that said I have a feeling how she'll react. Thanks for your response

Presently, the wedding setup is ceremony at Rye State Beach Park, reception at my parents which is 1 hour away from the Park. So, how do we get everyone to the house? What are the guest going to do for the 3 hours in between ceremony/reception times? We have the Park for the entire day thus we could have dinner there BUT it would be buffet (don't want), need a cop because of the alcohol & party needs to end at 8pm due to ordinance. I am extremely lost and feel FI & I need to talk to a 3rd party about our vision. Who would that be? A planner? I apologize for the rant.

danto

I voted "Stop being a two year old" but wouldn't put it quite so harshly.  There are elements of your wedding that will be for you and your FI.  But when I came to terms with the fact that the wedding wasn't for us but for the people we love to celebrate us - I could let go of the picture of the wedding I had in my head and do the work to make it a great day for everyone.

That said, I did get to a point where I simply ignored my mother for the greater good of the overall plan - she was NOT down with a stadium wedding - I printed the invites anyway in the end I think she's pleased with the way it all turned out although it wasn't anything like HER 'vision' either.  (my parents paid for most of our wedding too)

Gabs71109

I have to agree with Danto - I voted "Stop being a 2 year old" but I will soften the blow a bit.

You are incredibly fortunate that your parents are able to foot the bill for your wedding. There are lots of couples that work their butts off to fund their weddings on their own and would be thrilled to have even a little help from their families. I'm not trying to say you are ungrateful but just kinda keep that in the back of your mind when you post on a public message board.

As a parent if I had already put a deposit down as well as purchased a dress I would be disappointed if my daughter "changed her mind". I do however, agree that having your guests drive an hour as well as having them "find something to do" for 3 hours is a bit much. Would your parents be willing to choose a venue for a reception? I'm sure the girls on here would be more than willing to suggest locations in Rye.

I agree with Amylou - a heart to heart with Mom is a good way to start. Try to compromise and remember that your Mom has been thinking about this day since the day you were born. The day belongs to you and FI as well as all of the people who love you.

GL!

chica7484

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-hampshire_thinking-of-giving-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:101Discussion:399df872-e669-4ac7-99b1-b0a99c80d5c8Post:c279b5e2-0a1d-4b2e-8bd2-c699633d44cd">thinking of giving up...</a>:
[QUOTE]FMy parents are paying for everything (grateful!) but from the very beginning it hasn't been the wedding I imagined. FI & I prefer a small, intimate wedding on the beach... feet in the sand, etc. etc.   
Posted by meg2k8[/QUOTE]

<div>A lot of this has to do with the fact that whoever pays has a say in where the money is being spent. Be prepared to foot the bill yourself if you and your FI can't see eye to eye with your parents. </div><div>
</div><div>To be honest, I would be more concerned about this three hour gap you have. I have a gap as well, but it is nowhere near as long. Like Danto said, the reception is not for you, it is for your guests, so I would reconsider the timing. </div>

meg2k8

I understand the party is supposed to be for 'everyone else' however let me ask this, how do I put on a smile if I'm not happy?? As for my dress which I am in love with, I can wear it anywhere if the wedding is moved so that's not a problem.

If anyone can help me find a place near Rye that isn't ridicously expensive, outside, doesn't have to stop at 8pm due to noise ordinance, then by all means I'd be greatly appreaciated.

The following are places I've looked at:
- WBTSCC (no go because if guests get hot they're not allowed inside the building, which is just wrong & noise ordinance)

- WBTS Hotel (no go because they don't have an outside site for a reception)

- Great Island Common in Newcastle (~1 mile past the Wentworth hotel, noise ordinance)

- Abenaqui Country Club (need to know someone to get in)

- Odiorne Point (noise ordinance)

- Prescott Park in Portsmouth (noise oridnance)

- Places in MA before looking in NH, all were too $$$$


Again, if anyone can help us out I would be GREATLY appreaciated!!

meg2k8

Oh & yea, the 3 hour gap FI & I are very concerned about. What do locals do for that time?? OOTs will most likely stay near the coast & we don't want people driving the hour back afterwards. There are B&Bs inland but still, what would they do? Go to the mall in their wedding wear? They're going to be hungry but they don't know the area. Just another stressfull issue FI & I are concerned about.

dls.1215

Could you find a park or nice ceremony area closer to your parents house?  We might be able to suggest outdoor ceremony venues in a different area if that could be an option.

meg2k8

dls. 1215:  Thought of that & couldn't think of anyplace. The rents live in Amherst. Do you know of any place?

chayer227

I agree with all the advice given, but I'm most confused with the 3-hour gap...  if the reception is currently at your parent's house what is the reason for the gap in time? Why can't it start whenever?
And, I have to say, if I were a guest, I'd be quite unhappy about the 1 hour drive between ceremony and reception.  I'd never say anything to you about it, but I'd complain, probably a lot, to others.  Just being honest. 
With that said, yes your wedding should be what you want, while keeping your guests comfort and needs in mind.  However, with your parents paying, they DO get a significant say.  It appears that your mom has strong ideas, so you need to sit down with her and discuss your difference of opinions. My fear if you keep looking for other things without this discussion is that you'll upset her to a point where it could be disasterous. 

meg2k8

chayer227: I completely agree with you. The following is the proposed 'timeline' which I did not create.

1-1:30: ceremony
1:30-2: recession line
2-3: pictures
3-4ish: drive to Amherst
4ish-5: wedding party 'freshen up'
5-6: cocktails
6-????: party

So as this shows there is a total of 3 hours between ceremony & reception, 1 of which is the drive back inland. My mothers' thinking is people might also want to freshen up after sitting at the coast. Maybe I'll look in Maine. And yes, my mom does have strong ideas.

meg2k8

mindyross: yes, but I haven't been able to find one. The shore is mainly small beaches, 2 country clubs, little 1bedroom cottages & HUGE mansions everywhere.