I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford

emmkay

So. This weekend my bridesmaids and I went shopping and I ended up trying on a few wedding dresses. It was "just for fun"...I didn't consider that I would actually find a dress that I wanted. I put on this stunning Watters "Torrean" and I instantly fell in love. I know that this is the dress i want to get married in--it's like a work of art! I am comparing all other dresses to it now. I was already hearing wedding bells when I happened to glance at the price tag...the dress is $4,000 and way out of budget. My parents are paying for the wedding and we haven't techinically discussed how much we want to pay for the dress...but I know it's not anywhere near 4 grand and I can't contribute because I'm a university student.

I guess what I want to know is if this has happened to any of you? Did you ever get over it? Should I start selling blood and eating rayman noodles until the wedding in hopes that I'll be able to afford it?

soontobeschooley

First of all, the dress is stunning.

But this is case and point of why you shouldn't try on dresses over your budget.  Granted, you didn't know your budget.  I say, find your budget and go to a salon with a picture of that dress and see if they can't find something similar in your price point.

NJhousewife22

Look on Oncewed. They have a few listed for sale there. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:c829600e-35a3-4042-b8d2-4802980277b2">I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]So. This weekend my bridesmaids and I went shopping and I ended up trying on a few wedding dresses. It was "just for fun"...I didn't consider that I would actually find a dress that I wanted. I put on this stunning Watters "Torrean" and I instantly fell in love. I know that this is the dress i want to get married in--it's like a work of art! I am comparing all other dresses to it now. I was already hearing wedding bells when I happened to glance at the price tag...<strong>the dress is $4,000 and way out of budget. My parents are paying for the wedding and we haven't techinically discussed how much we want to pay for the dress...but I know it's not anywhere near 4 grand and I can't contribute because I'm a university student</strong>. I guess what I want to know is if this has happened to any of you? Did you ever get over it? Should I start selling blood and eating rayman noodles until the wedding in hopes that I'll be able to afford it?
Posted by emmkay[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, my first piece of advice would be that if you aren't able to contribute at all to your wedding, then it isn't the time to get married.  It's completely fine that your parents are paying for the wedding, but the fact that you say you can't contribute because you're a university student tells me you're not ready to be married. </div><div>
</div><div>But anyways...</div><div>Talk to your parents about a budget before you go trying on any more dresses.  And once you know the budget, tell that to the consultants when you into a store.  Don't try on any dresses over that price range.  And bring in pictures of that dress and ask if they have anything similar to that dress.</div>

sister2groom

Try to look at it like you'd look at Wedding TV shows. It's fantastic to think about the possibility of 100k wedding and 10k dresses, but it's never going to happen and you don't have to feel badly about it because it just is.

What did you like about the dress? Maybe someone on here can suggest one that has similar attributes.

But definitely find out a budget before you go again and tell the salesperson you don't want to look at anything above a certain amount.

emmkay

"Well, my first piece of advice would be that if you aren't able to contribute at all to your wedding, then it isn't the time to get married.  It's completely fine that your parents are paying for the wedding, but the fact that you say you can't contribute because you're a university student tells me you're not ready to be married."

...I have contributed to my wedding. I can't contribute any more because I don't have a job during the year; I'm in my final year of getting my second degree. I am not able to pitch in for my dress but that doesn't mean I haven't saved for my wedding. I didn't think it was neccesary to disclose financial details because the post is about the dress and not about my family offering to pay for the wedding. How dare you tell a stranger that they shouldn't get married--who do you think you are?

caseyandlizzie

I fell in love with a dress that was $3,000....WAY over my budget. I ended up finding a dress that was similar in silhouette, neckline and material for $600 which was definitely doable. If you love the dress, just look around for more affordable designers who have dresses with a similar feel. It is hard to get over it, but once you find another you love, you will, trust me.

flamingtwig72

I second the idea of looking on preowned dress websites. You can search by designer or by size, and it looks like there are amazing deals on those sites.

kmgavin1

Thats too bad.  It just goes to show that even trying dresses on "for fun" can be dangerous.

There is a place called VOWS in Watertown, MA and they have designer dresses for  brides on a budget.  Your dress is absolutely beautiful.  There is also a designer named Maggie Sottero and Sottero and Midgely who designs affordable dresses similar to the one you tried on.  I would first establish your budget and then go shopping.  Enjoy it.  It shouldn't be a stressful time.

GJones27

Depending on how far out of budget it is, you may have some options.  You could ask the store for a discount.  I did this at a famous high-end wedding shop and got 20% off my gown.  Then you could sell it, but there's no garauntee you'd be successful.  Maybe you could also take on an extra job to make a few extra bucks.  But getting it out of your mind will be very difficult, I fear.

And for the person writing you should never get married if you can't contribute money... that's not the best advice.  I know rich people who get divorced super fast.  I know poor and mature people who stay married for a lifetime.  My FI is in business school, and I'm staring law school soon, and after five years of being together, it doesn't make sense for us to wait for another three or four years.  We have the financial resources to get through school, so who cares if my parents have to pay for the wedding.  Once we're done with grad school, we'll have sufficient money to stand on our own feet. 

Noellesmama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:2b0c06bb-8551-477b-a553-99ac4cf50d1c">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : Well, my first piece of advice would be that if you aren't able to contribute at all to your wedding, then it isn't the time to get married.  It's completely fine that your parents are paying for the wedding,<strong> but the fact that you say you can't contribute because you're a university student tells me you're not ready to be married</strong>.  But anyways... Talk to your parents about a budget before you go trying on any more dresses.  And once you know the budget, tell that to the consultants when you into a store.  Don't try on any dresses over that price range.  And bring in pictures of that dress and ask if they have anything similar to that dress.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


Really now?

Let me ask you a question.... if a "perfect stranger" came to you with this same situation would you tell them the same thing? Or is this just a "pair of internet cajones"?

I believe its the latter part...

Anyway OP... I'm afraid that you put yourself in a tight corner. You can't get this dress out of your mind...now any dress you try on will never measure up! Take a month or so off from looking at other dresses...the fact is like you said so yourself you won't be able to afford it. There are plenty of other dresses out there that are beautiful!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:6b68c9af-2475-40ba-a349-cc04fe1ec28d">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : Really now? Let me ask you a question.... if a "perfect stranger" came to you with this same situation would you tell them the same thing? Or is this just a "pair of internet cajones"? I believe its the latter part... 
Posted by Noellesmama[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't have "internet cajones," and would say the same thing in person.  If some stranger came up to me on the street and said "I can't contribute to my wedding because I'm in college," then yes I would say they should wait to get married.  </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I can only go by what you write on here.  You brought up finances, and only mentioned part of it.  So taking what you said "My parents are paying for the wedding and I can't contribute because I'm in university" to me it sounds like a 20 year old in college who is still dependent on her parents, which I would say you should wait to get married until you're more independent.  You chose to open the door to the financial situation, and had you said "I'm contributing what I can" from the beginning then it would have come off completely different.  If you have lurked on these boards you would know how many brides come on here complaining about wanting some expensive item or wedding in general but don't want to contribute at all.  So I'm sorry if I misunderstood you but again I can only go by what you wrote.</div>

WildRumpus

It's a gorgeous dress, but as you've said, you can't afford it. It's incredibly sweet of your parents to offer to pay for your wedding (I hope you've told them this) but it sounds like you need to have a discussion with them about a price-point that they're comfortable with. Once they let you know what that is, stick with it-that includes only trying on dresses within your price range. There were lots of gorgeous gowns that I would have loved to have tried on, but I didn't want to risk falling in love with one that I couldn't afford

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:6b68c9af-2475-40ba-a349-cc04fe1ec28d">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : Really now? Let me ask you a question.... if a "perfect stranger" came to you with this same situation would you tell them the same thing? Or is this just a "pair of internet cajones"? I believe its the latter part...
Posted by Noellesmama[/QUOTE]
Would you really want wedding advice from a "perfect stranger"?  OP asked for knottie advice - and yes its pretty frank and candid.  And honest and awesome.

OP I will tell you that my dress was valued at over $4500 but I bought a sample for only $2500.  However, I seriously doubt that I would spend my parent's money that frivolously.   

WildRumpus

I get what DNB is getting at though...I'm a student as well, but my fiance and I are paying for everything on our own. We've been together for 6 years, and will have been engaged for 2 1/2 by the time the wedding gets here. We've been engaged that long to guarentee that we have the money to oay for everything by ourselves, with no outside help.

kaitlyn142

OP, I had the same reaction as dnbeach when i read your first post. Maybe you want to edit it to be more clear? When you come to the internet for advice, you're going to get people who don't know you and only know what you wrote. I've had some of my posts go horribly awry for that same reason.

Anyway, to your point, ask if you can buy it off the rack as a sample sale (at a discounted price!) or try to find it online, if that's what you must have. Otherwise, this is a lesson in not trying on things you can't have.

lilbigred4x4

Preownedweddingdresses.com
weddingbee.com
eBay.com

http://www.comdress.com/A-Line-Strapless-Floor-Length-Reembroidered-Lace-Duchesse-Silk-Satin-Wedding-Dress/26664/dress.html

http://www.goweddingdress.com/aline-strapless-floor-length-attached-reembroidered-lace-duchesse-silk-satin-beading-wedding-dress-style-4041btorreon_s4740.html

There are lots of wedding sites that sale preowned wedding gowns. With lots of searching you may be able to find the gown for half that price, of course it'll be hit or miss depending on size.  And since you had tried it on, I would guess you would know the size you would be looking for.  Other than that, I agree that you may be able to find the same shilouette, neckline, material, but a less expensive gown. Good luck! Oh, and the last two web addresses are basically knock offs of the dress, I know nothing about the companies or their quality, I just thought I would google the dress and see what I came up with. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Just out of curiosity, when you got engaged, what was your plan to pay for the wedding? If you can't afford anything, were you going to elope? Hope money fell out of the sky?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:2d9a4204-a724-4628-b51b-7b59db6721af">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]Depending on how far out of budget it is, you may have some options.  You could ask the store for a discount.  I did this at a famous high-end wedding shop and got 20% off my gown.  Then you could sell it, but there's no garauntee you'd be successful.  Maybe you could also take on an extra job to make a few extra bucks.  But getting it out of your mind will be very difficult, I fear. And for the person writing you should never get married if you can't contribute money... that's not the best advice.  I know rich people who get divorced super fast.  I know poor and mature people who stay married for a lifetime.  My FI is in business school, and I'm staring law school soon, and after five years of being together, it doesn't make sense for us to wait for another three or four years.  We have the financial resources to get through school, so <strong>who cares if my parents have to pay for the wedding. </strong> Once we're done with grad school, we'll have sufficient money to stand on our own feet. 
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If I were your parents, I would sure as hell care. Did you come to them and say, "Well, since I want to get married now, you'll have to pay for it. Good luck with that."? My parents didn't offer to contribute a cent to my wedding, so had I counted on that I would have been SOL. 

</div>

GJones27

To the pp: My parents are very happy to contribute to the wedding.  We consulted them before we got engaged, and when we have the money in the future, we'll take care of my parents.  "Who cares" was more rhetorical.  My point was that having parents pay for a wedding does not mean you are ill-equipped to get married.  If we had to have a super small wedding due to no parental support, we would have done that.  Other reasons for getting married can outweigh finances.

But back to the original topic, I also thought... have you looked to see if you found a dress that looks very similar to the one you tried on?  I'd also keep looking, as you may find something cheaper that you absolutely love as well.  There was an episode of that on Say Yes to the Dress.  A girl fell in love with a ridiculously priced dress, and you would think that would have doomed her.  But she found another one in her budget that she loved just as much.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:6a2a4b41-8ac1-49d9-a4c4-930bfc5bc9ca">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]To the pp: My parents are very happy to contribute to the wedding.  We consulted them before we got engaged, and when we have the money in the future, we'll take care of my parents.  "Who cares" was more rhetorical.  <strong>My point was that having parents pay for a wedding does not mean you are ill-equipped to get married.  If we had to have a super small wedding due to no parental support, we would have done that.  Other reasons for getting married can outweigh finances.</strong> But back to the original topic, I also thought... have you looked to see if you found a dress that looks very similar to the one you tried on?  I'd also keep looking, as you may find something cheaper that you absolutely love as well.  There was an episode of that on Say Yes to the Dress.  A girl fell in love with a ridiculously priced dress, and you would think that would have doomed her.  But she found another one in her budget that she loved just as much.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, parents contributing to the wedding does not mean you are ill-equipped to be married.  H and I planned on paying for our wedding ourselves, and planning the wedding we could comfortably afford.  My parents insisted on helping us with the wedding, but we still paid for some ourselves.  The whole point was that in the OP the words she used were "my parents are paying for the wedding, and I can't contribute to it because I'm in university."  Based off of that, if you do not have the financial means to pay for your own wedding, you most likely aren't in a financial situation to be getting married.  If you can't afford to pay for a wedding or a dress you want, what will happen if you car needs major repairs a month after getting married?  Or the roof on your house needs to be replaced?  Run to mommy and daddy?</div><div>
</div><div>GJones, I didn't read all of your first post until you were quoted.  I never said the OP couldn't or shouldn't get married, I suggested she wait until she get married.  So please read the posts before you start arguing things that I didn't say.</div><div>
</div>

mandylovesandy

I agree that you should look online for a second hand dress or search for similar designs at a lower price point. Check kijiji, they have lots of second hand wedding dresses and are usually willing to negotiate prices:) I'm not going to comment on your finances or your readiness to get married and pay for car repairs and leaky roofs that may or may not exist because frankly, it's none of my business (or any of yours).

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:9985e544-f804-4f11-a124-ef0ec122ee1c">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : If I were your parents, I would sure as hell care. Did you come to them and say, "Well, since I want to get married now, you'll have to pay for it. Good luck with that."? My parents didn't offer to contribute a cent to my wedding, so had I counted on that I would have been SOL. 
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Well, while I think it's silly to expect money from parents to cover a wedding,  a big wedding/party isn't necessary, obviously, When we got engaged my parents asked me what we were planning, and I said something really small and simple(just us and family in a church, a dinner at a restaurant after) because we weren't comfortable spending more than what we'd saved for the wedding, and we wanted to have a honeymoon (also on our savings). My parents then offered to pay for a bigger wedding. Had they not offered, we wouldn' t have had a 30K wedding, but that in no way means we were SOL. It means we could have gotten married more simply and taken a simpler honeymoon, on the 10K we had earmarked for that purpose. I'm assuming the OP and everyone else would have done the same thing had the parents not offered to pay for the wedding.

OP-- I also fell in love with a 4K dress, and my budget for attire was 3K (came from my mom). I didn't find another dress I loved as much, so I paid the difference, and didn't do a veil or expensive shoes so I could afford the difference and the alterations. I do think if you have the ability to save the money for it, I would. In my case, part of what I loved was the fabric and hand-draping that my gown had, and that was just replicated in a cheaper, mass-produced gown.

smore154

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:2b0c06bb-8551-477b-a553-99ac4cf50d1c">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>In Response to I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : Well, my first piece of advice would be that if you aren't able to contribute at all to your wedding, then it isn't the time to get married.  It's completely fine that your parents are paying for the wedding, but the fact that you say you can't contribute because you're a university student tells me you're not ready to be married.</strong>  But anyways... Talk to your parents about a budget before you go trying on any more dresses.  And once you know the budget, tell that to the consultants when you into a store.  Don't try on any dresses over that price range.  And bring in pictures of that dress and ask if they have anything similar to that dress.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

This is why I <strong>hate</strong> certain posts on the knot. It should be a place for support and some people are way too honest with their GRAND opinions on things people aren't even asking about and I want them all to just F off when I read crap like this.

To address you REAL concern- I fell in love with a designer dress that I couldn't afford. I basically sat down and realistically told myself to just forget about it. I found another dress that was even more "me" and ended up liking it better than the other one I found. You'll find something you love at a price you can afford! Or look for someone selling it on the classified boards :)

glam70s

Check with netbride.com as well to see what their price for the dress would be. My dress was $1600 in store and I saved over $700 getting it through netbride, and it is absolutely the original designer gown. Just a thought..

Dnbeach said that IF you can't afford to contribute to your wedding AT ALL, then it's not the time to get married, and she's right. But you can afford to contribute, so I don't think this applies to you.

I also love the logic from the other poster that it didn't make sense to wait 3-4 years to get married after finishing school, so her parents would just pay for the wedding now. It doesn't make sense to wait until we can afford to pay for our own wedding.. love the logic.. Maybe there are some other reasons for getting married now, but based on the post it sounds like they just don't feel like waiting..

tovlehrer

so rude.  do not presume to tell anyone else when they are or are not ready to get married.  people don't write on here to be judged, they write on here for support or guidance.  maybe you could pay for more at your wedding, but how about applauding her efforts to earn a second degree and be educated.  so so SO rude to tell someone when they should or should not marry. 

emmkay-my advice would be to go to a shop that has dresses in your budget, once you establish what that is.  i went to a salon that had more dresses in my price range than any other and told the sales person to ONLY bring me dresses in my range.  i found mooooooore than enough options and felt beautiful in every one.  you will find something else!

anwallette

I have to agree with many of the PP for two reasons:

1) The dress - I also fell in love with a dress that was far out of my price point (it was brought accidently) BUT I found one that was similar to the dress that I loved - neckline and bodice that worked with my price range but also made my mom cry when I tried it on...unlike the super expensive one that she really liked but there were no tears.  If you are set on the dress - try bridal swaps or look for consignment stores.  They are HUGE here in Vancouver and they also ship all over the world for about $25.  

2)  I found that there are people on the Knot boards to be of two mindsets - there is a (small) group of women that are supportive and helpful to other's visions/questions/ideas and then there are others that are a little bit holier than thou.  Perhaps that group needs to realize that we are all different and all want different things.  I posted a couple of things that are really different than the norm and got jumped all over because it didn't fit into the "traditional" realm of weddings and actually stopped reading and posting because of how turned off I was.  

Heather8505

I don't understand why not being able to pay for a wedding means you are not ready to get married.  What extra financial responsibility does getting married bring about?  It's not like she said she wanted to run off and have 5 kids but her parents would have to pay for it.  Now if someone is completely dependent on their parents, maybe that would be a little different but all she said is that she could not afford to pay for the wedding.

Heather8505

 "if you do not have the financial means to pay for your own wedding, you most likely aren't in a financial situation to be getting married.  If you can't afford to pay for a wedding or a dress you want, what will happen if you car needs major repairs a month after getting married?  Or the roof on your house needs to be replaced?  Run to mommy and daddy? "


if those things were to happen, would they not happen if she was married or not? this is not about getting married or not but if someone cannot afford to fix their roof, then maybe they need to rent. Or maybe they need to save money to fix their car but don't say they don't need to get married (yet). and maybe she has thousands in the bank for emergencies but doesn't feel that a wedding is an emergency and warrants spending her savings.

KJ7985

A friend of mine at work fell in love with a $5,000 designer dress...she took a picture of the dress to a highly reputable seamstress [I really can't stress this point enough--highly reputable] and had it made for substantially less (If I remember correctly, it was about half the original cost). 

Your dress is beautiful, I do love the detail! However, it is a dress you wear just one day and think about all of the wonderful things you and your fiance could do with $4,000! I got my dress for $650 and it looks just as nice as my friend's $3,000 dress. 

Long story short, it's nearly impossible for a bride to look ugly on her wedding day--you'll look gorgeous no matter what! My advice is to keep shopping around and try to find a comparable dress that you can afford. Good luck!

tovlehrer

i never post this much, but this is OUT OF HAND.  it has to be said....

DNBEACH....GET OVER YOURSELF!  how is it up on that soapbox looking down on everyone else?!?  didnt your mom ever tell you if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it at all?!?  if not, allow me to: IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, DONT SAY IT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

EMMKAY- you do not have to defend yourself to anyone.  you asked for advice about a dress, not about your financial situation.  ignore people with bad attitudes and unasked-for-judgements.  typically, these are people who are unhappy in their own situations.  just remember, on your wedding day, you will rock the heck out of any dress you put on and your future hubby will see the most beautiful woman in the world!