PLEASE HELP

ladycapp22

Hello Friends,

So my future mother in law and I happen to bump heads quite a bit. More than the adverage. Shes more traditional and I like to do things outside of the box, but this most recent thing has had me on such edge. A friend of hers makes beautiful hair pieces and veils for weddings and I was flattered when the friend offered to make my veil. I of course accepted being on a brides budget, anything helps! However, when we went to the friends house to start to play around with ideas, my fiances mother stated that she also wanted a piece made, No Big Deal... RIGHT? I was okay with that UNTIL she also added in that she was also wearing a veil... TO MY WEDDING? This entire time that I have been wedding planning I have been 100% open to her opinions and have utilized most of them, but this is in fact one that i can not let go. I have not been a crazy bride this far and do not want to come off as one, but am I wrong for wanting to be the ONLY one wearing a veil? If I'm wrong, thats fine and I will get over it, but she has been married 2x before and has had her chance to wear a veil. This is my time right? Please help!!! Also, how do I go about telling her No? Do I wait till she brings it up again or should I send her a text? call? wait till I see her??

button6004

You cant dictate what someone else is going to wear. Certainly dont text her about it.

She's going to be the one looking ridiculous on your wedding day.  It sucks, but I dont think this is a battle you want to fight.

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:c7e938d5-5c27-4f14-9260-fd9641ca8a00">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]You cant dictate what someone else is going to wear. Certainly dont text her about it. <strong>She's going to be the one looking ridiculous on your wedding day</strong>.  It sucks, but I dont think this is a battle you want to fight.
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]

This, I'm quite sure if I went to a wedding and the MOB was wearing a veil I would side eye her, not the bride.

Who is paying for this wedding anyway? You say you are taking a lot of her suggestion, but you really dont have to take any. And even if she's paying for some of it designate what her money goes to and only take her suggestions relating to that.

It's nice to want your future MIL involved, but she sounds like she's a tad TOO involved.

ladycapp22

I would never tell her that she could or could not wear whatever she wants, but I just want her to understand that she had her time to shine already, this is about US now. She will look rediculous, but why have to take it that far. I just want everything perfect and her pulling this isnt making it easy.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:c7e938d5-5c27-4f14-9260-fd9641ca8a00">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]You cant dictate what someone else is going to wear. Certainly dont text her about it. She's going to be the one looking ridiculous on your wedding day.  It sucks, but I dont think this is a battle you want to fight.
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]

ladycapp22

We are all paying for it.... shes paying for her own guests, my father is paying for his and my finacee and I are paying for our guests along with all the vendors... I am open to her ideas because most of them arent bad, She knew from the beginning that even if she did pay for her guests that I will be making all the decisions and if she didnt like that then she didnt have to contribute any money at all. She agreed to just give open suggestions and I am okay with that. But all because she is HELPING to pay, doesn't make her the bride or the right to wear a veil. ... Im not one of those crazy brides, I rather just make everyone else happy but this one has put me on the edge :(


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:6ca1ba33-ee89-4ae8-a562-24d48d9568fa">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: PLEASE HELP : This, I'm quite sure if I went to a wedding and the MOB was wearing a veil I would side eye her, not the bride. Who is paying for this wedding anyway? You say you are taking a lot of her suggestion, but you really dont have to take any. And even if she's paying for some of it designate what her money goes to and only take her suggestions relating to that. It's nice to want your future MIL involved, but she sounds like she's a tad TOO involved.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User]

What style of veil are you looking at and what is she planning on wearing? Is she going traditional veil or a little hat with some netting on it that won't even cover her head/face. If that's the case, then I think you should be ok. If she is going traditional, then hopefully once she see it' with her dress she'll realize that it doesn't go.

button6004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:1a5de4b9-86db-4c6c-9004-a19462375d31">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I would never tell her that she could or could not wear whatever she wants, but I just want her to understand that she had her time to shine already, this is about US now. She will look rediculous, but why have to take it that far. I just want everything perfect and her pulling this isnt making it easy. In Response to Re: PLEASE HELP :
Posted by ladycapp22[/QUOTE]

But by telling her that she already had her time to shine, you are in fact dictating what she can or cannot wear.  I absolutely get how frustrated you are about this, and unfortunately you cannot control everything.  Again, is this something you really want to battle her about?

ladycapp22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:11c11b7c-1a92-44fe-aa7e-2afd8312cbf4">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]What style of veil are you looking at and what is she planning on wearing? Is she going traditional veil or a little hat with some netting on it that won't even cover her head/face. If that's the case, then I think you should be ok. If she is going traditional, then hopefully once she see it' with her dress she'll realize that it doesn't go.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

I was planning on something very simple, A small brooch and a veil that just brushed my shoulders (my hair will be all down) . She is planning a big piece with 3 large crystal flowers and a birdcage veil that starts in the back and covers her intire face... Personally i feel that her wearing a veil seems like shes mourning the loss of her son, it kind of reminds me of what the women used to wear back in the day when they attended a funeral.

gurrlballa10

I'm normally on the "you can't tell adults what to wear" bench, but I would absolutely say something.  At least to my Fi(H) and have him talk to her.  I get the whole she'll look ridiculous thing, but I would not be okay with her wearing a veil.  Of course my MIL isn't crazycakes, so that's just hypothetical.

Lisa50

Let it go.  With this kind of stunt, I'm sure something else may come along which gives you no choice but to confront her.  This time, yup, let it go.

Good luck!

LDubHawksFan

Yikes, I think I'm in the party to mention to your FI how you don't think it would look right with her wearing a veil and let him bring it up to her.  If she still sticks with the plan, don't bring it up and let her look foolish by doing it.  You will still look radiant!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:06f32e7f-13b4-4288-9713-0cff942efc79">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: PLEASE HELP : I was planning on something very simple, A small brooch and a veil that just brushed my shoulders (my hair will be all down) . She is planning a big piece with 3 large crystal flowers and a birdcage veil that starts in the back and covers her intire face... Personally i feel that her wearing a veil seems like shes mourning the loss of her son, it kind of reminds me of what the women used to wear back in the day when they attended a funeral.
Posted by ladycapp22[/QUOTE]

If it were something smaller then what you described I think it would have been cute. I would try to sit down with her and talk to her and see if maybe you can come to a nice compromise, like a scaled back version of what you describe. Same concept but smaller & not white or ivory. This way it will be a cute head piece that she wants but not compete with your viel. Kind of like a royal wedding effect where all the women were hats.

ladycapp22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:c2ec2b3e-a5d6-498e-aff7-ffba360b5d35">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: PLEASE HELP : But by telling her that she already had her time to shine, you are in fact dictating what she can or cannot wear.  I absolutely get how frustrated you are about this, and unfortunately you cannot control everything.  Again, is this something you really want to battle her about?
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]


Sadly, Yes.. this is something I am willing on batteling her on. She does a lot of things to be spiteful and says a lot of hurtful stuff in a very indirect way, and this is just another one of her ploys to try and show she has the upper hand

ladycapp22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:75d68fa2-878e-4c2f-a7ba-d5813a813c6d">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm normally on the "you can't tell adults what to wear" bench, but I would absolutely say something.  At least to my Fi(H) and have him talk to her.  I get the whole she'll look ridiculous thing, but I would not be okay with her wearing a veil.  Of course my MIL isn't crazycakes, so that's just hypothetical.
Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]


Thank you, I did bring it up to him last night, he kind of understood, but being a man,  I dont think he fully grasps the concept. He said that he is going to wait till she brings it up again and he will tell her that he thinks its inappropriate

ladycapp22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:f52ee0d4-2633-4b35-9bd3-a113f19629f7">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes, I think I'm in the party to mention to your FI how you don't think it would look right with her wearing a veil and let him bring it up to her.  If she still sticks with the plan, don't bring it up and let her look foolish by doing it.  You will still look radiant!
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

Thank you! i hope it works!!

cnf2013

I agree with having your FI say something, if anything. Honestly, if I went to a wedding and the MOG was wearing a veil I'd probably laugh at how ridiculous she looked and clearly how hard she's trying to make a statement. I wouldn't think anything of it concerning the bride. 

latricelevell

my own mother wouldn't get away with that! she could be paying for everything but i would not allow her to wear a veil on my day. why not wear a long white gown too...... that's just disrespectful. it sounds like she is too involved in your day. let her know her place in a respectful way. or else she will think she will have a say in everything from your pets to your children one day.

MrsHoward2Be

This is BS who cares who it's not proper to say something to her but I would. I would ask was she serious about wearing a veil.

Liane28

I toally agree with MrsHoward2Be!!  This is absolute BS.  I could understand if she was just wearing a little hat with a tiny veil like PP has said, but for her to go full on veil action doesn't make any sense at all.  

Obviously, she will look ridiculous and I would (in the most polite way possible) tell her just that.  I would just sit down with her and talk to her woman to woman, but politely so that you are being honest with her regarding how this would make you feel.

It's nice to say that you shouldn't dictate what she wears, but did she have any say on what she wanted you to wear?  I don't think that you telling her politely how you feel means that you are dictating what she can/cannot wear at all.  It's just honesty...and it's your day.

abbiecorwin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:8f08c02e-fe76-4eb1-91bd-cab44662af0b">PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Friends, So my future mother in law and I happen to bump heads quite a bit. More than the adverage. Shes more traditional and I like to do things outside of the box, but this most recent thing has had me on such edge. <strong>A friend of hers</strong> makes beautiful hair pieces and veils for weddings and I was flattered when the friend offered to make my veil. I of course accepted being on a brides budget, anything helps! However, when we went to the friends house to start to play around with ideas, my fiances mother stated that she also wanted a piece made, No Big Deal... RIGHT? I was okay with that UNTIL she also added in that she was also wearing a veil... TO MY WEDDING? This entire time that I have been wedding planning I have been 100% open to her opinions and have utilized most of them, but this is in fact one that i can not let go. I have not been a crazy bride this far and do not want to come off as one, but am I wrong for wanting to be the ONLY one wearing a veil? If I'm wrong, thats fine and I will get over it, but she has been married 2x before and has had her chance to wear a veil. This is my time right? Please help!!! Also, how do I go about telling her No? Do I wait till she brings it up again or should I send her a text? call? wait till I see her??
Posted by ladycapp22[/QUOTE]

<div>Perhaps the friend making the headpieces can point out to her how ridiculous it is? She might take it better from someone who won't be affected by her decison and can be seen as kind of an "expert". If she doesn't instantly agree, then you can agree/your fiance can agree, and hopefully she will get how ridiculous it is. </div>

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_please-help-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:9f9b1d92-d8fc-43a4-9ef6-4b7dc1a38e4ePost:77411679-c3c3-4854-845a-20250487ad9a">Re: PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to PLEASE HELP : Perhaps the friend making the headpieces can point out to her how ridiculous it is? She might take it better from someone who won't be affected by her decison and can be seen as kind of an "expert". If she doesn't instantly agree, then you can agree/your fiance can agree, and hopefully she will get how ridiculous it is. 
Posted by abbiecorwin[/QUOTE]

This was my first thought.

And let me say, who's paying has nothing to do with her stupid decision to wear a veil on someone elses wedding day. I wanted to know why she was taking so many of her MIL's suggestions to heart.

I do wonder if the MIL is a bit TOO involved in the wedding and is projecting.

ladycapp22

I don't mind taking her suggestions, most of them are petty good and the ones that I don't like, I don't take. My fiance is her only child and I was raised with only my father so I value her opinion like my own mother. My fianc has re assured me that he will make sure that her order is cancelled.