bridesmaid backout

2schai2011

When I first chose my bridesmaids my selections did not include my sister-in-law-to-be. When my mother-in-law-to-be learned of my choices, she pressured my fiance' to have me include his sister. Basically I was told that if she was not a bridesmaid, she would be upset and cry. And I was told that including her would start off our lifelong relationship on a positive note.
Reluctantly, I asked her. (However I do not like being pressured into something)

My planning has been going along smoothly, which brings us to the good news that sister-in-law-to-be is pregnant! Her first doctor's visit gave her a due date in the middle of June. (our wedding is July 9th) BUT upon a second visit to the doctor, the due date has now been changed to the week before our wedding.

My fiance' recently had a conversation with his sister in which she informed him that she may not be a bridesmaid due to the fact that her baby will be a newborn. She also went further in saying she may not attend our wedding at all. (Our wedding is being held in my hometown which is roughly 7 hours from her home) My fiance' told her that she didn't have to make a decision about being in the wedding because there was a significant amount of time before our wedding day.

HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? For those of you planning a wedding, you very well know that dresses have to be ordered months in advance and things need to be in place long before the big day.

Also, is it wrong for me to feel slighted by my sister-in-law-to-be? After being pressured to ask her in the first place, the fact that she's now deciding whether or not to be a part of our wedding, makes me feel like mud is being thrown in my face! Granted, I do realize these are special circumstances, but I'm sure there have been pregnant bridesmaids who have fufilled their duties and made it to the wedding without any problems.

Any advice?

ring_pop

Are you honestly feeling slighted by a woman who may possibly give birth ONE WEEK before your wedding or even the DAY OF? (I don't know if this is her first as you didn't say, but first babies are often late...  doctors usually induce around 41 weeks barring any other special circumstances).

REALLY??

The woman is going to be bleeding and generally feeling like crap for weeks after she gives birth! What if it's a c-section?

Have you considered that knowing that she will be unreliable at that time, she's trying to gracefully step down to avoid stressing you out?

You handle it by saying, "No problem SIL. Do what you gotta do and we still love you either way. We hope you can be there but if not, we'll be sure to tell you all about it!"

ETA: MY GAWD you expect her to travel 7 HOURS either with a week old newborn or when she's due to go at any minute?!!

ambermorley

First, don't count on a due date. They are not as precise as you'd think, and there are always pregnancies that go longer or shorter. But she will be the one having a baby, you really do need to respect her decision to participate or not. It would be very hard if she needed to breast feed or something. She would be destracted.

It is always an option for her to get the dress anyway and give the option for her to participate or not based on how she feels (and if she's actually had the baby) for the wedding. This is the start of a life-long relationship between you and you should honor that. Be gracious and understanding.

I can understand how you'd feel slighted or annoyed. Just let her make the call. I think it's pretty sad if she doesn't come to the wedding at all, but that isn't your problem.

ogrady88

Ditto PPs.  Be happy for FSIL and don't feel slighted, I assume she did not get pregnant just to spite you and ruin your wedding day.

mikeynkrib2011

Feelings are never wrong....they're just sensory reactions to situations  

Chances are, your FSIL didn't know you were pressured into asking her to be a bridesmaid.  She was probably just really hoping to be one, and your FMIL intervened (not the best move, but it happened so that's that).

Anyhow, it sounds like your FSIL is going to be a first time mother.  She's probably really nervous and wants to be there for her child.  Parents generally have a really hard time leaving for the first time after a baby is born, even if its not their first kid.  And a wedding is a long event....which equates to a really long time away.

It's understandable to feel slighted becuase there's so much planning on your end, and it's certainly understandable to hope that she changes her mind.  They key word is 'hope'....she's going to have a newborn and her responsibilites are going to change drastically.

I would just gently ask her about the situation and see how she really feels.  Let her know you'd love her there, you understand if she can't be, but you need to know ASAP for dresses, day of planning, etc. etc.  

Just remember....your feelings are your own...and nobody can tell you that you're wrong about what you feel...but it's how you act upon your feelings that makes you right or wrong.   Be kind, you can't lose!!! 

mgietler76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_bridesmaid-backout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:a4a3d3b6-2f30-4aad-a0a0-396a83884ce6Post:de983c31-c164-46f7-bd66-4f9c329a5650">bridesmaid backout</a>:
[QUOTE]When I first chose my bridesmaids my selections did not include my sister-in-law-to-be. When my mother-in-law-to-be learned of my choices, she pressured my fiance' to have me include his sister. Basically I was told that if she was not a bridesmaid, she would be upset and cry. And I was told that including her would start off our lifelong relationship on a positive note. Reluctantly, I asked her. (However I do not like being pressured into something) My planning has been going along smoothly, which brings us to the good news that sister-in-law-to-be is pregnant! Her first doctor's visit gave her a due date in the middle of June. (our wedding is July 9th) BUT upon a second visit to the doctor, the due date has now been changed to the week before our wedding. My fiance' recently had a conversation with his sister in which she informed him that she may not be a bridesmaid due to the fact that her baby will be a newborn. She also went further in saying she may not attend our wedding at all. (Our wedding is being held in my hometown which is roughly 7 hours from her home) My fiance' told her that she didn't have to make a decision about being in the wedding because there was a significant amount of time before our wedding day. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? For those of you planning a wedding, you very well know that dresses have to be ordered months in advance and things need to be in place long before the big day. Also, is it wrong for me to feel slighted by my sister-in-law-to-be? After being pressured to ask her in the first place, <strong>the fact that she's now deciding whether or not to be a part of our wedding, makes me feel like mud is being thrown in my face!</strong> Granted, I do realize these are special circumstances, but I'm sure there have been pregnant bridesmaids who have fufilled their duties and made it to the wedding without any problems. Any advice?
Posted by 2schai2011[/QUOTE]

As someone who has a pregnant MOH who is having a c-section 2 weeks before my wedding I say get over it. Creating a life trumps a party EVERY.SINGLE.TIME Be happy for her and the fact that his family will be welcoming 2 more people (you and the baby) into their lives.

The bolded part makes you look like a HUGE brat, how dare she not feel comfortable enough after giving birth to travel for your wedding, doesn't she know that you are the most important person right now?

I'm sorry if this is overly harsh but I get really irritated with crap attitudes like this about pregnancy vs wedding.

2schai2011

Ladies, have whatever opinion you wish. I was simply asking advice on how to handle it. I don't like the fact that I feel this way. And maybe a better way of stating it would be that I was upset about being forced into asking her in the first place. And those feelings are coming to the forefront now that she may not be a part of it at all.

Perhaps things would be easier had she spoken to me first. But that hasn't happened. Call me a brat, if that makes you happy. I was only looking for advice. I didn't think insults would be thrown my way.
 

ogrady88

The advice on how to handle it is simply let it go, I understand that you're frustrated, but in this situation you need to may need to say "C'est la vie" and move on.  Be excited for you upcoming wedding and a new niece or nephew (they are great to have by the way, I love my future niece and nephew more than I thought possible)

reese511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_bridesmaid-backout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:a4a3d3b6-2f30-4aad-a0a0-396a83884ce6Post:29dbbf80-00a9-4ebf-972c-766ecd16912a">Re: bridesmaid backout</a>:
[QUOTE]Feelings are never wrong....they're just sensory reactions to situations :)  Chances are, your FSIL didn't know you were pressured into asking her to be a bridesmaid.  She was probably just really hoping to be one, and your FMIL intervened (not the best move, but it happened so that's that). Anyhow, it sounds like your FSIL is going to be a first time mother.  She's probably really nervous and wants to be there for her child.  Parents generally have a really hard time leaving for the first time after a baby is born, even if its not their first kid.  And a wedding is a long event....which equates to a really long time away. It's understandable to feel slighted becuase there's so much planning on your end, and it's certainly understandable to hope that she changes her mind.  They key word is 'hope'....she's going to have a newborn and her responsibilites are going to change drastically. I would just gently ask her about the situation and see how she really feels.  Let her know you'd love her there, you understand if she can't be, but you need to know ASAP for dresses, day of planning, etc. etc.   Just remember....your feelings are your own...and nobody can tell you that you're wrong about what you feel...but it's how you act upon your feelings that makes you right or wrong. :)  Be kind, you can't lose!!! 
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

this exactly.  very well said !!

Queen Jane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_bridesmaid-backout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:a4a3d3b6-2f30-4aad-a0a0-396a83884ce6Post:5d7fca2b-9a52-4e6c-a92f-d5af03541ae6">Re: bridesmaid backout</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, have whatever opinion you wish. I was simply asking advice on how to handle it. I don't like the fact that I feel this way. And maybe a better way of stating it would be that<strong> I was upset about being forced into asking her in the first place. </strong>And those feelings are coming to the forefront now that she may not be a part of it at all. Perhaps things would be easier had she spoken to me first. But that hasn't happened. Call me a brat, if that makes you happy. I was only looking for advice. I didn't think insults would be thrown my way.  
Posted by 2schai2011[/QUOTE]


Understandably, but that had to do with FMIL, correct? And if you originally didn't want FSIL in the WP, then what's the big deal?

I can't speak for others, but I know I do get irked a bit by this topic, mostly because I know how it would feel. If shes' that close to her due date and hadn't delivered, even just the act of getting all done up to go to the wedding and endure the entire day is no picnic. If she has already had the baby and it's a week later, I think it's perfectly fine if she doesn't come, be it 7 hours or 7 minutes away. I know not everyone is the same, but I felt like asss for ahile after delivery, and can't even imagine what it owuld be like if a c-section happened, which is more common these days it seems. It wouldn't be done as an insult to you, I'm sure.

So, how do you handle it? I don't think you really need to make a huge deal over this. I would just let her know FI told you what she said, the decision is totally up to her, although you will be bummed if she can't make it, but are very excited for her nonetheless. If you are needing to order dresses, have this conversation sooner than later and I'm sure she will let you know where she stands.

garcias1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_bridesmaid-backout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:a4a3d3b6-2f30-4aad-a0a0-396a83884ce6Post:de983c31-c164-46f7-bd66-4f9c329a5650">bridesmaid backout</a>:
[QUOTE]When I first chose my bridesmaids my selections did not include my sister-in-law-to-be. When my mother-in-law-to-be learned of my choices, she pressured my fiance' to have me include his sister. <strong>Basically I was told that if she was not a bridesmaid, she would be upset and cry.</strong> And I was told that including her would start off our lifelong relationship on a positive note. Reluctantly, I asked her. (However I do not like being pressured into something) My planning has been going along smoothly, which brings us to the good news that sister-in-law-to-be is pregnant! Her first doctor's visit gave her a due date in the middle of June. (our wedding is July 9th) BUT upon a second visit to the doctor, the due date has now been changed to the week before our wedding. My fiance' recently had a conversation with his sister in which she informed him that she may not be a bridesmaid due to the fact that her baby will be a newborn. She also went further in saying she may not attend our wedding at all. (Our wedding is being held in my hometown which is roughly 7 hours from her home) My fiance' told her that she didn't have to make a decision about being in the wedding because there was a significant amount of time before our wedding day. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? For those of you planning a wedding, you very well know that dresses have to be ordered months in advance and things need to be in place long before the big day. Also, is it wrong for me to feel slighted by my sister-in-law-to-be? After being pressured to ask her in the first place, the fact that she's now deciding whether or not to be a part of our wedding, makes me feel like mud is being thrown in my face! Granted, I do realize these are special circumstances, but I'm sure there have been pregnant bridesmaids who have fufilled their duties and made it to the wedding without any problems. Any advice?
Posted by 2schai2011[/QUOTE]

I agree with PPs about the main issue at hand, but does anyone else think this crying part thing is ridiculous.  First of all, I would not cry if someone I wasn't close to didn't ask me to be a BM.  Second of all, even if she is going to cry over it, that is not a reason to ask someone to be a BM.   Anyways, I just thought this statement was funny.

Queen Jane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_bridesmaid-backout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:a4a3d3b6-2f30-4aad-a0a0-396a83884ce6Post:e221e13b-0af9-4c3c-951f-06a7c03048a3">Re: bridesmaid backout</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to bridesmaid backout : I agree with PPs about the main issue at hand, but does anyone else think this crying part thing is ridiculous.  First of all, I would not cry if someone I wasn't close to didn't ask me to be a BM.  Second of all, even if she is going to cry over it, that is not a reason to ask someone to be a BM.   Anyways, I just thought this statement was funny.
Posted by garcias1[/QUOTE]


That would mostly only be acceptable of a 10 yearI agr old child, but considering FSIL is preg, I would highly doubt that to be the case.  So yes, it is pretty funny.

lilcassers

Bridesmaids don't "PERFORM DUTIES".

Leave it up to her to decide.

whaleflipflops

I am not going to comment on anything else, as how I feel has been summarized by previous posters much better than I could.

In answer to your question about bridesmaid dresses- they usually need to be ordered 3-5 months in advance. I was told that the cutoff date to order dresses by is December 16th for my May 22nd wedding.