Wedding Dress Help..LONG sorry

NicoleR0306

I recently just started looking into venues and planning for our wedding next year. When I was talking to my mother about it she immediately pointed out that I won't need to go dress shopping because I already have my dress. To give you alittle insight that is much needed 3 years ago I was engaged-for all the wrong reasons. I was with my ex for 2 years, was graduating college and all my friends were either engaged or already married so I figured it was the next step. We started planning the wedding eventhough I already had reservations about it (he was an alcoholic I just didn't figure it out till later). We set the date and the venue and everything but when it came to my dress I picked out 3 took my mom with me and asked her which one looked best on me. I didn't get that feeling that everyone is suppose to I just thought it was okay it made me look like a bride. So 9 months before the wedding I called it off because I couldn't fake it anymore, I luckily got most of my deposits back but the only thing I couldn't get back was any money on the dress so I had to keep it. I always told my mom that when I was going to get married that I didn't know if I was going to wear the dress because it reminded me of my ex (my whole family saw the dress so did his so they know). So fast forward to present day- I am completely in love with my FI and want the wedding of my dreams but when I still think about the dress I get uneasy over it. I told my FI about the dress because I didn't want him to be left out and he told me it was my decision on whether or not to use it or get rid of it but he does think our wedding should more be about our future and not our past. So my question is what would you guys do? I thought about going dress shopping without my mom (we live out of state so it won't be an issue) but still don't want to go behind her back. She also paid for the first dress so I don't want her to feel like I am ungrateful too. Sorry about my rant just confused.

Sloane99

What would I do? There's no way I would be wearing that dress. I was married before and I think this is similar to asking if I would wear it. For one, I bought it with another wedding/venue/person in mind. Two, my taste and trends have changed drastically since then and three, I believe there's a certain negative energy associated to things like this.

You definitely need to talk to her, if a bride isn't comfortable in her dress for any reason I think it shows in pictures and the way she carries herself all day. Have you told your Mom that you want a new dress and would really like the experience of shopping with her again but made it clear you're certainly not expecting her to pay for anything?

staceytaylor0704

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for backing out BEFORE the wedding!!!
I totally understand where you are coming from. I bought my dress and never wore it, but I did end up marrying the guy- just at the JOP. I was young and stupid and I still have that dress. haha Never been worn, just stuffed in the back of my closet. I would absolutely not think about wearing it, even if it still fit. Its too much a representation of a bad time in my life. I am thinking of donating it to somewhere. That is also what I did with my old engagement ring. Just straight up handed it to someone and said "its yours". Its nice to be free of it, if that makes sense.

Anyways- just talk to your mom and be honest with her. Tell her you don't want her to think you are being ungrateful, but you also want to be happy with your dress.. I also like what you said about the wedding being about your future, not your past..Just tell her that it makes you think of that bad time in your life. Yes, its only a dress, but it also represents something much more meaningful to the bride that wears it.

Best wishes!!!

waltzingmatilda13

If you don't feel comfortable wearing that dress, don't wear it. Your FI obviously isn't comfortable with the idea either. You can always sell that dress here or Ebay or Craigslist to get rid of it and recoup some of the money you spend on it.

Who paid for your dress? I would explain to your mom why you don't want to wear the dress and hopefully she will see your point of view. If she bought your dress I would defnitely let her have a say in what happens to it as well. I wouldn't leave her out of shopping for the new dress. I think once she really understands what's bothering you about it she will want to come with you to find a new one.

Cleo7

If you're not comfortable with the dress you have - ESPECIALLY if it brings back any feelings of your ex and that situation, I wouldn't wear it.  Maybe you could share with your mother what you and FI concluded about your wedding being about the future, not the past, etc?  I think you have very valid reasons for not wanting to wear the dress - it's more than a matter of not liking the style or wanting something more trendy, etc.

If I were in your shoes, I would first look into selling your current dress, or asking your mom if she would want to sell it.  You won't get back what you originally paid for it, but it could help.  What you get from the dress could either go back to your mom, or maybe toward a new dress. 

IIf the expense of buying another brand-new gown is a concern, there are many ways to get a new (or new-to-you) dress without spending a fortune, too - ebay, the knot's wedding classifieds, consignment shops, etc.

When it comes down to it, you want to wear something that makes you feel confident, beautiful, radiant and special.  If the one you have doesn't make you feel that way for any reason but you wear it anyway, you might regret it. 

PS kudos to you on having the courage to listen to your instincts about your first engagement.  I can't imagine how difficult that must have been, but it sounds like it was definitely the right choice!

dizzinea

put that dress up on some of the used dress lists and sell it, and get a new dress. it's weird to me to wear a wedding dress you bought with your relationship with someone else in mind, you don't want a dress that reminds you of him you want a dress that reminds you of your fiance, your mom has to be understanding of that, wearing that dress is almost rude to the man your going to marry

jmkes

I agree with the last two posts.  Sell it on a website and get some money for it.  If your mom is that miffed about it then give her the money.  There's no way I'd wear that dress.  Especially if you said that you thought it was just "ok" when you bought it 3 years ago.  I doubt you're gonna get a stellar reaction to it now.  Get you a new dress girl!  Oh and as a bride without a mom I'd say bring her with you when you go dress shopping.  It's special and hopefully she'll lose the chip on her shoulder and see her beautiful daughter getting an amazing dress.

Lisa8888

I don't see a problem with wearing a dress you purchased before however if you are uncomfortable doing that, don't do it. It is only a dress.

Knittibell

Sell it or donate it to charity. Just be honest with your mom. Also, start saving, since she already bought one dress, I wouldn't expect her to pay for another. But I think a new one is the right move!

skyler1108

My sister had a similar problem except her ex was a great guy they just were'nt right for each other. Anyways, my parents bought her a dress and when the wedding was called off she could not return her dress either. When she got married to her husband she did not want to wear a dress that was bought to be worn for another man so she got a new dress. If you are not comfortable wearing the old dress don't. I agree with your FI that that dress represents your past, not your future. Try selling the old dress and apply the money you get from that to your new dress and pay for the rest your self.

blg529

I was in a very similar situation. My bf of four years proposed when we were seniors in college. After setting a date, booking a venue, and buying a dress, I called off the wedding well over a year in advance. With the dress I had paid a 50% deposit and could either forego the deposit and leave the dress with the store or pay the rest and keep it or try to sell it. I decided to just forego the deposit because I knew that, while I absolutely loved the dress, I knew that if I ever got engaged again I would want to do the whole wedding dress buying experience again with a guy I was actually happy to marry. I ended up being very happy with the decision because I had basically developed an eating disorder from how unsure I was of things with my ex-fiance and I now weigh a healthy 15 pounds more than I did at the time, so that I probably couldn't have worn that bridal size 2 dress anyway. Now I'm engaged to the right guy for me and I have so far been to one dress appointment. Oddly enough, the dress I liked the best is pretty similar to the one I got last time. Even if I end up getting that one, I'm really glad that I won't have a dress that reminds me of my ex and I can enjoy the wedding dress shopping process again knowing that I am marrying the right man this time. Hope that helps.

apricot239

Buy a new gown.

Kreskin79

I also sense that you'd be happiest purchasing a new dress. 

As for what to do about the old one: I echo the suggestion of the other posters - sell it.  At worst, you'll be rid of a tangible reminder of a bad time.  At best, you'll be rid of said reminder while making another woman very happy at an important time in her life.

Your mom will, I suspect, understand your reasons for selling the dress once you have a chat.  I'd prepare to purchase the new dress on your own dime and/or reimburse her the cost of the original.  If she tells you that's not necessary, wonderful.

And do have her there while purchasing the new one - I suspect her opinion matters to you.

Good luck!

longman801

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