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seltonandashlee

Thank you all so much for your replies!!

mollymcshea

ok i am going to be blunt. 1) you asked her to be in the wedding, you can't recant that now. she is your friend. 2) you cannot judge her as to how she chooses to spend her money. It's none of your business that she chooses to go to a concert, etc etc. The fact that she is 'horrible with her money' has nothing to do with your wedding. 3) this is why you wait to pick your bridesmaids until closer to the wedding. 

Tell her the dress styles she can choose from and the color from david's bridal and let her do the rest and trust that she will follow through with your instructions or help her purchase the dress cheaper online from somewhere such as ebay. One of my BMs is short on cash and found a new, never worn dress in my requested color and style (a DB dress) on ebay and it matches perfectly with the other girls for $40. (dress from DB was $129). Offer to go shopping with her so she is not 'sneaky.' or buy the dress for her as her BM gift.

she sounds like a real winner as a 'friend,' but you picked her....you get to live with her antics. Sorry she's such a pain in the ass. 

mparwulski

Sounds like your friend is not up to the task of being a bridesmaid.  It comes with certain responsibilities.  You should have a frank conversation with her about this and give her a chance to back out.  Let it seem like her idea.  If your girls can choose any dress from DB, as long as it's your color, isn't their a limited amount to choose from?  Give them the choices: A, B, C, D or E.  That's reasonable.  If it's not one of those options, then it's not agreeable to you.

You need to clear the air with your friend now because this will only get worse and it will continue to bother you.  It seems that you know how she operates, and can expect more of the same.

seltonandashlee

I know most people wait to choose their bridesmaids until closer to the wedding, but I've been friends with all my bridesmaids for years and years. I definitely should have waited on her though, my fiance didn't want me to choose her because of how she is. I would definitely never think of telling her she can't be in the wedding anymore though!! I guess it's so frustrating because she always says she's "so excited" or "so thrilled/flattered/etc" to be a bridesmaid, but then continues to make comments like she does. 

 

The eBay idea is great!! I didn't even think of that, thank you!

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_feel-bad-even-thinking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:e8572832-e029-4484-bd05-5f6e1daae1f5Post:f1957b31-72ae-42b5-b556-d230f0a49567">Re: I feel bad even thinking this.</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like your friend is not up to the task of being a bridesmaid.  It comes with certain responsibilities.  You should have a frank conversation with her about this and give her a chance to back out.  Let it seem like her idea.  If your girls can choose any dress from DB, as long as it's your color, isn't their a limited amount to choose from?  Give them the choices: A, B, C, D or E.  That's reasonable.  If it's not one of those options, then it's not agreeable to you. You need to clear the air with your friend now because this will only get worse and it will continue to bother you.  It seems that you know how she operates, and can expect more of the same.
Posted by mparwulski[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>I just saw your reply! Thank you so much for your advice - I really do need to have a talk with her, I just really don't want to hurt her feelings! I think I'm going to use your idea of giving them the options, and if she's still being this way, have a talk with her. Thank you! :)</p>

DramaGeek

Have you asked her what budget she had in mind for the dress?  That's the first thing you should do.  Ask each girl independently, privately, how much they are comfortable spending on the dress.  That should help you narrow things down.  I do like PP's idea of choosing a handful of dresses for them to choose from - it sounds like this particulat friend needs that kind of structure.  Then you simply give her all of the information, including the date by which it needs to be orderd, and let her take it from there.  She is an adult, and she should be able to manage herself.  If she can't (or chooses not to), then she simply won't be able to stand up at your wedding as she won't have the dress.

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_feel-bad-even-thinking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:e8572832-e029-4484-bd05-5f6e1daae1f5Post:f0d18e4b-148f-44d0-bcaf-653462c689b5">Re: I feel bad even thinking this.</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you asked her what budget she had in mind for the dress?  That's the first thing you should do.  Ask each girl independently, privately, how much they are comfortable spending on the dress.  That should help you narrow things down.  I do like PP's idea of choosing a handful of dresses for them to choose from - it sounds like this particulat friend needs that kind of structure.  Then you simply give her all of the information, including the date by which it needs to be orderd, and let her take it from there.  She is an adult, and she should be able to manage herself.  If she can't (or chooses not to), then she simply won't be able to stand up at your wedding as she won't have the dress.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>That was the very first thing I did, and nothing I'm looking at is over her budget. Thank you for your advice!! :)</p>

theluckiest555

I was a BM in a wedding where the bride let us pick our own dresses. She picked the color, which was cornflower blue, but she said we could pick our own dresses. What we did was we went to David's Bridal together to shop, which was convienient for the bride as well because her dress was from David's Bridal. I understand that you want everyone to get their dress from the same place because DB has some very unique colors, and it would be hard to find that exact color somewhere else. (By the way, I love the color canary yellow! That will look beautiful! Do you have another color too?) So if you are concerned about that, you can try to find a day when it is convienient for everyone to go look at dresses, and they may even like that because they can get your imput  too!

I know I only answered a small part of your dillema, and I am not ignoring everything else, I just am not sure what to say. I am sorry about what she has done. My BM's are all in college too, so I wasn't planning on having a shower because I didn't want any one of them to have to take that burden if they were already busy. (Plus, my MOG, who is my sister, is going to school about 1.000 miles away from where my family and I live.) Still, I wish she wouldn't have blatently told you that you weren't getting a shower and a gift, especially in front of everyone else.

As far as money goes, PP's are right, you really have no say over what she spends her money on. One would hope that she would at least make sure she has enough money in the bank to buy a dress. However, it was very nice of you to offer to pay for her dress. I understand why you are frusterated because it seems like she CAN buy a dress but she chooses to spend her money elsewhere. Sorry you have to deal with that. I really don't know what else to say. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? I donno if that would help, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!!

theluckiest555

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_feel-bad-even-thinking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:e8572832-e029-4484-bd05-5f6e1daae1f5Post:f63a194f-1112-4fed-94ee-7e789f5fe2a8">Re: I feel bad even thinking this.</a>:
[QUOTE] One of my BMs is short on cash and found a new, never worn dress in my requested color and style (a DB dress) on ebay and it matches perfectly with the other girls for $40. (dress from DB was $129).
Posted by mollymcshea[/QUOTE]


Good point, I didn't think about ebay. I can never find anything I need on ebay because I am a size 18, but she might be able to!!

KnC117

I have to agree with mollymcshea a bit. I have been a bridesmaid/MOH six or seven times and I'm starting to feel like the girl on 27 dresses. I have that closet of dresses. Even in college I managed to pay for the dresses because it was important to me, but I have to say sometimes the price tag makes you want to cry. Although many styles these days are ACUTALLY re-wearable, none of mine have been. So to pay that much for a dress that you really only wear one day is hard. I was really appreciative of my one friend who paid for 1/2 as a gift. I like mollymcshea's idea of finding one on e-bay that is a Davids Bridal in your color. Having such a widespread brand I'm sure will help. You could offer to help her find one online. Also, try asking on the boards here if anyone used that color and has a bridesmaid that wants to sell it. Don't forget that alterations may have to be done too which costs even more. One of mine was $250 and then another almost $50 on top of that with alterations. It get's expensive! Although having your bridesmaids look a certain way is important to you, that may not have been what they were thinking when they signed on. In your defense, your friend sounds a little tactless but that's why we have friends... they are crazy but you love them

Queen Jane

I'm a little confused about the problem. You haven't even decided on dresses and you are worrying about her getting one? It's really none of your business how she spends her money, and it's unfair to say she's not strapped for cash unless you know her entire financial situation. Maybe she saved up to go to this concert, maybe it's something she is obviously really looking forward to. Your wedding doesn't always take first place. Maybe she's also saving for the dress. Although, didn't you say you offered to pay for it and she pays you back? If you're unsure that she can actually do that, why offer in the first place. She is a grown up, I'm sure she realizes she needs to get the dress (which you haven't even picked out yet) by a certain date. Pick the options, tell her what they are, and give her the opportunity to get before jumping to the conclusion that she won't be able too.

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_feel-bad-even-thinking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:e8572832-e029-4484-bd05-5f6e1daae1f5Post:a80ce9df-a0a6-46df-ac63-22e57f9493ef">Re: I feel bad even thinking this.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a little confused about the problem. You haven't even decided on dresses and you are worrying about her getting one? It's really none of your business how she spends her money, and it's unfair to say she's not strapped for cash unless you know her entire financial situation. Maybe she saved up to go to this concert, maybe it's something she is obviously really looking forward to. Your wedding doesn't always take first place. Maybe she's also saving for the dress. Although, didn't you say you offered to pay for it and she pays you back? If you're unsure that she can actually do that, why offer in the first place. She is a grown up, I'm sure she realizes she needs to get the dress (which you haven't even picked out yet) by a certain date. Pick the options, tell her what they are, and give her the opportunity to get before jumping to the conclusion that she won't be able too.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>I wouldn't've posted if I was unsure about her financial situation, but thanks for your input.</p>