MOH regrets?

hellosunshine12

Am I alone in regretting my choice for MOH? She was so excited when I ask her & seemed really into wanting to help me plan...but she has done or said zero in the whole planning process...I sent her a text earlier about music & no response...she doesn't work, I know she isn't busy, but IDK..I feel like I have made a mistake in choosing her to do this..or maybe my expectations are to high? I haven't ask her to do anything.. just for input..I am not the type to confront her, I would rather avoid the conflict but I guess I kind of feel hurt? What is everyone's thought on this? What do you expect from your MOH? Am I just the one being unreasonable?

mandctaft

I feel like I made a mistake, but not because of anything she did/didn't do. Its that she and another BM both assumed they would be MOH and since I picked, they've both been fighting. They weren't friends anyway, but now they bicker a lot. I wish I had just picked my sister or cousin to be MOH and told both of them to deal with being BM. Or not picked one at all and just had BMs.

avsfan33

Originally, I made a mistake. Sort of. I couldn't pick my MOH so I let them decide.

The one who lives in the same city as me became MOH. At the time, I didn't care because we were really close. Yeah, that really changed. She lived with us at the time of all of this. She stole from me, she didn't pay her rent and almost had us evicted, she moved out without giving us or the landlord notice and disappeared from the face of the earth (hence not paying rent). She got her family to lie for her so she wouldn't have to pay, when she was living with us she consistently paid her bills late. Top it off, she was badmouthing me behind my back and still does. Needless to say, she's not the MOH. She's not in the wedding and our friendship ended a long time ago. Apparently she's still the same. It's my one and only bridezilla moment. Well, there's also telling FMIL I'm not paying for her family's hotel rooms and I'm not getting a babysitter for kids I've never met.

So now the other girl is MOH because she was secondMOH. She lives in a different city (might be moving here!!!) so all I expect from her is to buy her dress and shoes. Oh, and to show up.

To answer your question. You should be looking to your FI for input. This is going to sound harsh but it's the truth. Nobody but yourself and your FI care that much about your wedding. People have other things going on in their life that you might not know about for whatever reason and your wedding is the last thing on their mind. Try talking to her about non WR things for a bit. Also, don't rely on texting. Seriously this is a huge pet peeve of mine. Not all texts go through and not everyone checks their phone all the time. Plus, unless you're stalking her, you have no idea if she was busy at the time.

Rebis58

I have no regrets... I picked my two sisters to be my co-maids of honour. One is on the opposite side of the country (my older sister) and one is in the next province over (younger sister). Neither of them have been overly involved, although they do respond to me when I ask them for input. 

Honestly, I have very low exectations for my bridesmaids. I literally expect them to come to the wedding, in a dress, and be there for me through the day. If they ask about other details, I tell them, but most of the time I only tell them details that are pertinent to them and their role at the wedding. 

I am very lucky, though, and my bridesmaids have been great and have also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. If they hadn't, I would still be ok with that (although I might be a little disappointed)

Elinetrouwt

No regrets here. I piked my best friend, and she's so great. She asks me about the wedding all the time, she's being extremely supportive. I know she really wants to get married as well, and her boyfriend does not seem to be in a hurry. They've been together way longer than FI and I, but she's not being jealous at all and very sweet.

Sorry if this feels like rubbing it in, I'm just so grateful.

Madisonpenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-regrets?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:0937e122-754d-47a7-b71e-a3081a7f48caPost:6a398514-8a40-4b59-89f1-cafca8d01351">MOH regrets?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I alone in regretting my choice for MOH? She was so excited when I ask her & seemed really into wanting to help me plan<strong>...but she has done or said zero in the whole planning process</strong>...I sent her a text earlier about music & no response<strong>...she doesn't work, I know she isn't busy, but IDK</strong>..I feel like I have made a mistake in choosing her to do this..or maybe my expectations are to high? I haven't ask her to do anything.. just for input..I am not the type to confront her, I would rather avoid the conflict but I guess I kind of feel hurt? What is everyone's thought on this? What do you expect from your MOH? Am I just the one being unreasonable?
Posted by hellosunshine12[/QUOTE]

I have a few tiffs about what you've written.
A MOH is not req. to help you plan your wedding.  It's not part of her "job".  Her role as MOH is to stand beside you on the alter as you say your I do's.. and traditionally, sign the marriage certificate. That's it.  If you ask her to do other stuff, she has the right to refuse.
Just because she doesn't work, doesn't mean she isn't busy.

Now to answer your question.  I expect nothing from my MOH except show up on July 21st, dressed and ready to go. That's it.  I'm not asking for their imput (it's my and Fi's wedding, that's why there's 2 of us, to help make decisions).

LADY324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-regrets?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:0937e122-754d-47a7-b71e-a3081a7f48caPost:ff32acc2-e046-48e3-9e47-841e000745ab">Re: MOH regrets?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH regrets? : It YOUR wedding. She's not thorowing anything on you, your doing it her... She has nothing to do with the planning except be told when and where of the day of, and get dressed and show up. Thats it.  I can't believe the expectations of some people when it comes to their WP. Like a PP said about this comment, sounds like thats support to me as well. She understands it's your wedding and it sounds like she's going to go with whatever vision your going for, for your wedding day. She only wants you to be happy. Ask your FI for help. Aren't we all going to work? School, Have afterwork/school activities, and tired? And yet we're still getting it done, one day at a time?
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

yup I agree sometimes it's not good to give people too many decisions you should be organizing a get together for them to go shopping not your MOH.  This is your wedding to plan not hers. 

mekiakoo

I have no regrets even though my MOH lives 1,500 miles away and we maybe send 5 text messages a week. But she has been my best friend for 24 years and I love her to death, I don't mind that she is not around. Whenever we talk, we don't usually talk wedding because we both have so many other things going on in our lives and we talk about those things!

I have no idea if I will be able to see my MOH until the wedding. The last time I saw her was 2 weeks before we got engaged (in August).

I don't usually talk to anyone else about our wedding plans because I know they don't really care or they're just not as excited as I am (obviously!) and I'm not offended by this. I have no expecations of my BMs/MOH other than spending time with them on our wedding day!

bells24412

My MOH is my SIL i have known her for 20 years and thought she would be the one since she knows me the best and we get along pretty well so I have no regrets. I didn't have any expectations other than having her show up on the day and stand beside and hopefully say a speech. That is pretty much it. She has offerered to help with the whole planning process and when i ask her opinion she gives her input (like about dresses and such that FI wouldnt be in to) but it ultimately your day and i don't know about you, but I am OCD and i have to do it to make sure it's the way i envisioned it. Like PP said, no one cares so much about your wedding except you and your FI. Goodluck.

AniaNYC

I do have problems with mine too, she is my best friend and from the beginning I knew she would be my MOH. But now, when it comes to helping, she is throwing everything on me. I do a lot on my own, my family is back in Poland, my FI's family does not speak much of English (they are from MX, leaving in US but go figure...), so Im literally doing everything on my own. When I ask my MOH about opinion, she says whatever I pick will be perfect, but I need input, I need help!! I told her I need her to coordinate with BMs on the dresses for them, I just dont have much time for that and Im very flexible in colors and such. Well, she says I should pick and everyone will love it. Really no support, no input from anyone. Its kind of taking off some part of pleasure of the whole planning away. Im tired, work full time, I have after work activities, plus normal home responsibilities, plus the wedding. Dont get me wrong, I love planning, I could do it for living, but some input would be appreciated. Im literally on my own.

KarleeKrause35

I get being upset about distance with your MOH, and it sucks that she's not more excited.

But try to remember that nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. Nobody else is ever going to jump into planning and the little details like you will, because it isn't happening to them.
It's not a jealousy thing by any means, it's just hard to feel something deeply that you aren't experiencing first hand.

Your MOH is not required to do or plan anything for you. Like I said, I get that you wish she would be more excited and WANT to do that because she's close to you, but you still shouldn't expect it. She needs to buy the dress, show up on time, and, if you wish, sign the license as a witness. If she helps you with favors, plans your shower/bachelorette party, that's an added bonus and that's great. But don't feel any ill will towards her if she doesn't. Remember that you picked her because of the friendship she's given your life, not what she can do for you for this wedding.

KarleeKrause35

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-regrets?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:0937e122-754d-47a7-b71e-a3081a7f48caPost:698d252e-647c-4a51-8929-6f457f41e33b">Re: MOH regrets?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do have problems with mine too, she is my best friend and from the beginning I knew she would be my MOH. But now, when it comes to helping, she is <strong>throwing everything on me</strong>. I do a lot on my own, my family is back in Poland, my FI's family does not speak much of English (they are from MX, leaving in US but go figure...), so Im literally doing everything on my own. When I ask my MOH about opinion, she says whatever I pick will be perfect, but I need input, I need help!! I told her I need her to coordinate with BMs on the dresses for them, I just dont have much time for that and Im very flexible in colors and such. Well, she says I should pick and everyone will love it. <strong>Really no support, no input from anyone</strong>. Its kind of taking off some part of pleasure of the whole planning away. <strong>Im tired, work full time, I have after work activities, plus normal home responsibilities, plus the wedding</strong>. Dont get me wrong, I love planning, I could do it for living, but some input would be appreciated. Im literally on my own.
Posted by AniaNYC[/QUOTE]


1. Sorry girl, but it's your wedding and responsibility. She can't throw something on you that isn't her burden in the first place.

2. Your MOH probably doesn't see it that way. She wants you to have what you like, and she is telling you that whatever happens, it will be beautiful, and not to stress. That sounds like support to me.

3. Sorry that it feels so stressful. My advice would be to only plan what you can handle. If you're forever waiting for someone else to help you, you're always going to feel let down and disappointed.

MeaganR12

Wow...I'm happy I'm not some of your girl's 'friends'. This is your wedding to plan, not anyone elses. 

LADY324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-regrets?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:0937e122-754d-47a7-b71e-a3081a7f48caPost:85365b23-aa36-460c-96f4-583a7dd69fc5">Re: MOH regrets?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get being upset about distance with your MOH, and it sucks that she's not more excited. But try to remember that nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. Nobody else is ever going to jump into planning and the little details like you will, because it isn't happening to them. It's not a jealousy thing by any means, it's just hard to feel something deeply that you aren't experiencing first hand. Your MOH is not required to do or plan anything for you. Like I said, I get that you wish she would be more excited and WANT to do that because she's close to you, but you still shouldn't expect it. She needs to buy the dress, show up on time, and, if you wish, sign the license as a witness. If she helps you with favors, plans your shower/bachelorette party, that's an added bonus and that's great. But don't feel any ill will towards her if she doesn't. Remember that you picked her because of the friendship she's given your life, not what she can do for you for this wedding.
Posted by KarleeKrause35[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.  Really your MOH shouldn't need to do anything right now your wedding is still 7 months away.  As far as the music goes I think that you should be having this discussion with your FI not your MOH.  All your MOH has to do is buy a dress and show up the day of your wedding.  I do think you have high expectations for her. 

I do not regret my decision at all I chose my cousin and half sister to be my 2 MOH's. 

Madisonpenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-regrets?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:0937e122-754d-47a7-b71e-a3081a7f48caPost:698d252e-647c-4a51-8929-6f457f41e33b">Re: MOH regrets?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do have problems with mine too, she is my best friend and from the beginning I knew she would be my MOH.<strong> But now, when it comes to helping, she is throwing everything on me</strong>. I do a lot on my own, my family is back in Poland, my FI's family does not speak much of English (they are from MX, leaving in US but go figure...), so Im literally doing everything on my own. <strong>When I ask my MOH about opinion, she says whatever I pick will be perfect,</strong> but I need input, I need help!! I told her I need her to coordinate with BMs on the dresses for them, I just dont have much time for that and Im very flexible in colors and such. Well, she says I should pick and everyone will love it.<strong> Really no support, no input from anyone</strong>. Its kind of taking off some part of pleasure of the whole planning away. <strong>Im tired, work full time, I have after work activities, plus normal home responsibilities, plus the wedding. Dont get me wrong, I love planning, I could do it for living, but some input would be appreciated. Im literally on my own</strong>.
Posted by AniaNYC[/QUOTE]

It YOUR wedding. She's not thorowing anything on you, your doing it her... She has nothing to do with the planning except be told when and where of the day of, and get dressed and show up. Thats it.  I can't believe the expectations of some people when it comes to their WP.
Like a PP said about this comment, sounds like thats support to me as well. She understands it's your wedding and it sounds like she's going to go with whatever vision your going for, for your wedding day. She only wants you to be happy.
Ask your FI for help.
Aren't we all going to work? School, Have afterwork/school activities, and tired? And yet we're still getting it done, one day at a time?

hmacsine

My moh is my sister. I don't issues with my moh or bm. I don't expect them to do anything but show up in the correct dress on time. I don't even ask for them advise because everyone in my wedding party is single. I ask my fi and everyone on this board for advise.

hellosunshine12

I get what everyone is saying & I guess that I wasn't clear, I am not asking her to plan anything for me..just her take on a song...it's like when she was having issues w/ her GF she called me all the time txted, skyped whatever...her GF is FI's best girl, she is like family to me, she is my kid's Godmother..so I am a lot closer to her but wanted to include her in the wedding in a big way because in the beginning she seemed to really want to be a part of it & offered to help w/ these things..anyway it's not a big deal I know that no one is excited about your wedding as you are, I am lucky to have the support that I do..I think I was just feeling a little over emotional last night! Thanks everyone for putting things back into perspective for me