Is this unreasonable of me?

maratea

So H is friends with a woman on FB, who he used to refer to as his stalker. Apparently when he lived in Minneapolis, he went on a few dates with this girl and she turned all crazy, to the point where she broke into his apartment and stole his cat. When he moved back to IN and we started dating she would call him, several times a day. It got the the point where he told her to stop because he was dating someone else and there would never be anything between them.

Well I guess H thought her crazy side was gone because he added her as a friend on FB, I think a few months ago. I keep seeing that she is consistently posting on his wall or commenting on anything he posts. And about a year ago she sent him an email professing her love for him. He has generally ignored her, until this whole FB stuff happened. He has started posting stuff on her wall and commenting and they were chatting on FB once.

If it were you, wouldn't you want to maintain a safe distance from a psycho stalker? I told H I wasn't comfortable with him being friends with her, considering her wanton lust of him. He said "Oh it's not a big deal, I don't see why you're bothered by this." I explained that I didn't think it was good for her or him to keep this kind of contact, you know, not wanting to give her some sort of false hope. I am not a jealous person generally, but this has really bothered me.

Someone tell me I'm ridiculous? Or validate me? Send me wine?

Anysunrise

Uh yeah, i'd be freaking out. 

FI had this girl calling him EVERY day when I first moved down there. She was pretty harmless (lived in Germany for one, although she's from SC), but I didn't like it, mostly because she had tried to cause problems between us before and I knew she had a thing for him. So one day I answered the phone. She hung up without saying anything, and never talked to him again.

Chi_Chi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-unreasonable-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03b21121-631b-4388-81a9-bb814ab0fdb1Post:9d7e1241-7c3e-4c21-acc7-34832165fb6a">Is this unreasonable of me?</a>:
[QUOTE]So H is friends with a woman on FB, <strong>who he used to refer to as his stalker</strong>. Apparently when he lived in Minneapolis, he went on a few dates with this girl and she turned all crazy, to the point where she broke into his apartment and stole his cat. When he moved back to IN and we started dating she would call him, several times a day. It got the the point where he told her to stop because he was dating someone else and there would never be anything between them. Well I guess H thought her crazy side was gone because he added her as a friend on FB, I think a few months ago. I keep seeing that she is consistently posting on his wall or commenting on anything he posts. And about a year ago she sent him an email professing her love for him. He has generally ignored her, until this whole FB stuff happened. He has started posting stuff on her wall and commenting and they were chatting on FB once. If it were you, wouldn't you want to maintain a safe distance from a psycho stalker? I told H I wasn't comfortable with him being friends with her, considering her wanton lust of him. He said "Oh it's not a big deal, I don't see why you're bothered by this." I explained that I didn't think it was good for her or him to keep this kind of contact, you know, not wanting to give her some sort of false hope. I am not a jealous person generally, but this has really bothered me. Someone tell me I'm ridiculous? Or validate me? Send me wine?
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

You were validated from me at this point. But, I continued reading, and my decision still stands. I think it's time to sternly express your concerns and let him know just how much it bothers you. Sometimes guys just don't get it.

J had a girl tell him no one would ever have him if she couldn't. Then she pulled the pregnancy card. Then renigged it 3 hours later. I still hate her.

maratea

I kinda did something like that. Only I was drunk and it wasn't nice. H and I had been dating about 5 or 6 months. And she randomly called. Well H wasn't around but my drunk self and my friend answered the phone. I said "Bitch, why do you keep calling my boyfriend? You need to stop now or the next time you call, I won't be so nice." In hindsight, it was dumb but it was awesome in my drunk mind.

Steph0871

I'm on your side. I wouldn't want H to be friends with someone like that anyway.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Hey mara - I'll validate you.  I see no reason for him to be FB friends with this woman.  There's just no point in trying to foster any contact with someone who he refers to as his stalker, or someone who has clearly acted as batshitcrazy as she has.  Forget it.

MarriedInAFever

Yeaaah. He shouldn't be friends with her. Consider yourself validated.

Celles

I'd be bothered, too.  I hate to say it, but I think I'd also be questioning the truthfulness of the story.

Once upon a time, I was on-again, off-again with this guy.  It definitely wasn't casual, but for a variety of reasons (liberal atheist from Southern California meets conservative Southern Baptist pastor from Tennessee...) we REALLY struggled to make it work.  During one of our off-but-attempting-to-reconcile periods, he met another girl and started a relationship with her.  When she and I found out about each other, he attempted to pass me off as this crazy stalker chick who took "a few dates" far too seriously.  

Please understand: I'm not saying that anything similar is happening here!  My point is simply that there are two sides to every story, and that as someone who has been cast in the "stalker" role, I would be inclined to question this one.

ohwhynot

I'm on your side.  He's getting something out of it - a little thrill, maybe, or an ego boost.  It's not very nice of him to keep doing that if it bugs you so much.

I mean, I get that a little flirtation and a little ego boost from female attention is natural and nothing to get worked up about, but this situation is different from that, given their history. 

Manwaithiel

Ummm yeah.

If your FI genuinely does not see anything wrong with this after you have some kind of Come to Jesus session about it, then I would reconsider the relationship. It's absolutely ridiculous to me when guys say "Oh this girl bothers me so much, she's such a stalker," but then allow themselves the attention that such people shower on them. Absurd.

This girl isn't the problem. Your FI is. She can't "stalk" him or chase after him if he doesn't let her. He chose to add her on FB. He chooses to speak to her when he knows her history and how uncomfortable you are with it.

Like I said...come to jesus time.

jessienjeremy

I think your validated. My FI use to play with this girl on his PS3. He would alwasy tak about how cool she was and that he loved that she was a chick and would play COD. He would go on and on about it. He even added her to FB and she would make comments like.. You need to come see me (she lives in kansas). I put my foot down.  Lets just say... they dont play together anymore.

maratea

I see what you're saying Celles. But H's friends from Minneapolis have told about this girl and that's she's BSC. And they like to tease H about how she took his cat. Poor kitty.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Tell him that unreasonable as your request may sound, you'd really like him to delete her from FB. He should do it for his wife. (PS, I don't think you're unreasonable.)

Watch him delete her and then have her freak out, validating your feelings even more!

Celles

Did he ever get the cat back? 

maratea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-unreasonable-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03b21121-631b-4388-81a9-bb814ab0fdb1Post:f8bf380c-6fef-4f94-b7df-5ec5640ab2c0">Re: Is this unreasonable of me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did he ever get the cat back?  :(
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
No. Bitch.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-unreasonable-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03b21121-631b-4388-81a9-bb814ab0fdb1Post:c3c327ba-6d45-4c3f-ab78-469135d9a818">Re: Is this unreasonable of me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this unreasonable of me? : No. Bitch.
Posted by maratea[/QUOTE]

How?? If someone stole my pet I'd be calling the police immediately.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

What the fluck, she took his cat and kept it?

She's NUTS.  WHY does he want to be friends with her?  Ask him this.  I want to know.

pixiedust84

This is me validating you. There is no reason for him to be friends with her. I think that you can trust your person 100% and still be right in asking them not to communicate with some people. Just because you trust him doesn't mean you have to trust her and she has clearly proved she can't handle being in contact with him.

He needs to delete her.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-unreasonable-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03b21121-631b-4388-81a9-bb814ab0fdb1Post:619c7b05-d9ab-453c-81ab-780f497c5b71">Re: Is this unreasonable of me?</a>:
[QUOTE]What the fluck, she took his cat and kept it? She's NUTS.  WHY does he want to be friends with her?  Ask him this.  I want to know.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

For real. If someone took my cat, their ass would be in jail. And I'd break into her house to get it back.

MarriedInAFever

Dude. She sounds very Fatal Attraction. I hope you don't have a rabbit.

maratea

I think he didn't want to deal with her, so he just let her keep the cat.

Ugh, the vindictive angry part of me just wants to send her a message saying leave my H alone or I will cut you, but I'm sure that would make H angry because of course she would tell him.

Why do I feel like I'm in high school again?

reils

I'll join in and validate you too. I don't see why he would want her on his FB. I agree with OWN, that he is getting something out of this. He should be willing to delete her because it is making you uncomfortable.

Chi_Chi

I think at this point, I would delete her from his friends myself.

ccdaisy

I'm with you there..and sending wine.  I wouldn't be ok with it, nor do I think you should be either. 

slubkin

I agree with everyone validating you.

I made it very clear to FI early on that all his skanky female "friends" needed to stop randomly calling and texting him.  They weren't really friends, they were skanky hoes he messed around with when he was single.  And likewise, I dropped contact with any guys I had messed around with. 

He had this one friend who would get drunk and call him in the middle of the night.  He couldn't get her to stop doing it for a while so I told him to set a special ringtone for her that would be silent, so at least it wouldn't wake us up.

Mutual respect was the key.

He had a couple skanky "friends" on myspace that I side-eyed and gave him a hard time about for a while, but when he switched to FB he didn't friend them there, and his privacy settings make him practically invisible/nonexistent for stalkers to find him.  He's also pretty cautious about who he adds on FB, he won't add any of his family and I think he MIGHT have added my brother but otherwise no one from my family either.

LesPaul

You are not being unreasonable.  I cannot think of a reason why he should keep in contact with her at all.    **Unfriend**

KaylaSue19

I will validate you as well. Also, why do I feel like I know a story of some BSC ex stealing a cat, and I live in the Minneapolis area. I assume this is an entirely different story. How many BSC cat stealers live around here?

Nebb

I think its inconsiderate of your H not to take your feelings seriously. My husbands old boss kinda skeeves me out - she always talks about how she never stays home with her husband, they dont share a bed, and she always asks Adam to do obscure things (come over to fix her computer, stop by to drop off something someone else gave him for her) during the day when neither her husband or I are home. She pops by her occasionally but only ever on his days off and when she knows I am working. I told him flat out I wasnt comfortable and it wasnt happening again. He put a stop to it. It wasnt that hard.

saxy414

Validation here. 

I'm with OWN--a little ego boost or whatever is obnoxious but no real big deal IMO, and I was kind of waffling with "how bad could she really be" until you said she actually kept the cat.  Yah, BSC.  Poor kitty is right

LesPaul

Oh, and here's some wine.

Bubbalub

I validate your feelings.

Given the history with this chick I think your husband needs to respect you as his wife and delete her.

Like OWN, mild flirting among plantonic friends is one thing. BSC stalker cat-stealing bitch is another.