m.i.a. bridesmaid

dreprogal

I have had the same best friend since i was in 5th grade, but ever since i have moved to a different state we aren't as close as we used to be. As a bridesmaid, my only bridesmaid, i feel like she should be helping me more with the wedding. Lately I have tried calling her and messaging her but i cannot get a hold of her. I am to the point where i just want to demote her and find a bridesmaid who will actually be there for me. Any advice? please...

playtntsbpg30

Demoting her will end your friendship completely. You have to be willing to completely give it up. There is no rule that she has to help you. It stinks you can't get ahold of her but maybe she is just busy and hopefully she will get back to you when you back away a little and on her own time.  If she is in another state it is a bit harder for her to help you so how would you want her to help anyway?

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:da5e4bb6-57f3-4106-b348-d06027f74c3e">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Demoting her will end your friendship completely. You have to be willing to completely give it up. There is no rule that she has to help you. It stinks you can't get ahold of her but maybe she is just busy and hopefully she will get back to you when you back away a little and on her own time.  If she is in another state it is a bit harder for her to help you so how would you want her to help anyway?
Posted by playtnteppg27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Its not so much help as it is emotional support, getting married is stressful and it would be easier to have her to talk to.

</div>

jennylee813

Getting married isn't supposed to be stressful - if it is, you're doing it wrong.

All that matters is that you and the love of your life are together at the end of the day; the flowers and dresses are just extras.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. All she has to do is show up at the wedding, wearing her dress. Everything that you think she should be doing for you is just a bunch of hype from the wedding industry.

If you're worried about the friendship, try calling her and NOT talking about the wedding. Talk about her; catch up on her life. Maybe if she sees that you're interested in her she'll come around and be more available to talk to you about what's going on in your world.

Angelface225

Great advice Jenny!

rel1988

I'll admit when I first got engaged there was a good 2 weeks when everyone is all about you, congratulating you, etc. It's hard to snap back to reality and realize not everyone is as excited about your wedding as you are!! My BM's were excited for me, but in all the excitement it can be easy to forget that they have their own lives too. I felt like I wasn't talking to a couple of my BM's as much as I had been before the engagement so I made an effort to get ahold of them and find out what was going on in THEIR lives. I have found that once they realized that I was there for them as a friend they have made a bigger effort to talk about the wedding and be more supportive. Besides, I will be the first bride to admit that with all the craziness of planning even I like to take a break from wedding talk sometimes!!!

kristen20052007

I know from experience and having a busy life I could not be there for my friend as much as she wanted me to be. She sent me an email stating she wanted to choose someone else to be in her wedding. That was fine by me, but our friendship ended there. Haven't spoken to her in months and I do not plan on it.

B2Z728

I'd call your friend and ask how her life is going. Say that you miss her and that it'd be great to hangout with her sometime soon if you can both fit it into your schedules. Don't talk about your wedding unless she brings it up. Most people are not going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. It's understandable that you've grown a little distant from her because she moved to a different state. You both are leading different lives and have different priorities. Mend your friendship first before worrying about her being a bridesmaid in your wedding. Do not demote her unless you no longer want to be friends with her. 

Your bridesmaid's only "job" is to wear the dress you picked out (that is within her budget), and show up on your wedding day in said dress, sober. Planning your wedding, throwing you a bridal shower, or bachelorette party are not required of her. 

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:f68426c5-98f2-4f79-b6bb-3ab5b3cb1856">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : Its not so much help as it is emotional support, getting married is stressful and it would be easier to have her to talk to.
Posted by dreprogal[/QUOTE]
If you need emotional support to get married; then you shouldn't be getting married.

Planning a wedding shouldn't be stressful. If something's stressing you out; it needs to be nixed from your to do list. To get married you need a bride, groom, attire, and an officiant. If you're having a reception; you need food, drinks, a place to sit and eat, and that's it. Decorations, favors, centerpieces, bouquets, are all extras and aren't necessary.

If you need help planning, then have your Fi help, it's his wedding too you know. You cannot demote or kick out your BM.

rel1988

I'm curious as to what kind of things you are upset she isn't helping with??

TKzilla

Getting married can be stressful - luckily you have someone to talk to about it. Your fiance! Confide in him. Next time you call your friend, don't say a word about the wedding unless she asks. She probably has stress in her life to ( you know, like outside of your wedding ) and maybe wants to talk about herself for awhile. Definitely don't demote her.

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:b254d0c0-dae7-47c0-94dd-7330702d36c9">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : If you need emotional support to get married; then you shouldn't be getting married. Planning a wedding shouldn't be stressful. If something's stressing you out; it needs to be nixed from your to do list. To get married you need a bride, groom, attire, and an officiant. If you're having a reception; you need food, drinks, a place to sit and eat, and that's it. Decorations, favors, centerpieces, bouquets, are all extras and aren't necessary. If you need help planning, then have your Fi help, it's his wedding too you know. You cannot demote or kick out your BM.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>i need emotional support because my fiance is an illegal immigrant, and we have a lawyer trying to help us, on top of that i had to change my religion because he is catholic and his parents are very religious. that is stressful. when i talk to my bridesmaid i dont talk about the wedding, we just talk about work. i dont expect any bridal showers or a bachelorette party, in fact i dont even want one. and my fi helping planning the wedding is useless. ive tried that. he doesnt know the first thing about planning a wedding. </div>

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:a0b32cbe-1ef5-47cc-9537-69a8a6c2cd91">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : I still don't get why this is your BM's responsibliity...
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>its not a responsibility, when did i ever say she was resposible for anything. as a best friend, it is though.</div>

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:938dc014-8aa2-4b03-a3af-a50012d8a029">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : i need emotional support because my fiance is an illegal immigrant, and we have a lawyer trying to help us, on top of that i had to change my religion because he is catholic and his parents are very religious. that is stressful. when i talk to my bridesmaid i dont talk about the wedding, we just talk about work. i dont expect any bridal showers or a bachelorette party, in fact i dont even want one. and my fi helping planning the wedding is useless. ive tried that. he doesnt know the first thing about planning a wedding. 
Posted by dreprogal[/QUOTE]

Are you trying to have a quick wedding to help his status? Please note that it's NOT necessary for you to convert to marry in the Catholic church. If you WANT to go through the rites of initiation; you should go talk to your priest or church secretary as soon as possible. She will be able to guide you both and give you the requirements but most churches ask that you go in at least 6 months before the wedding takes place.

Your FI can't give you the excuse of not knowing how to plan. I think most of us were confused when we began planning.

We also had a Catholic wedding and the ceremony was the most important part of the celebration. We started off by selecting our "Padrinos" for the ceremony. In our culture; we have Honor (also the witnesses), Lazo, Arras (Coins), Biblia y Rosario, and Flowers to Mary. They each have a meaning and it was where I started to get Fi involved in the process. From there; I gave him tasks like booking the DJ, and coming up with the playlist.

If you need ideas or suggestions; you can always come ask us here. :)

Also, visit the Catholic Weddings Board under Cultural Wedding Boards. The girls are really helpful.

as far as your friend though; she might just be busy with work and her own life. Give her a little space and she'll come around.

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:0e28e70f-b030-490b-a148-230a12f44e6f">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : Are you trying to have a quick wedding to help his status? Please note that it's NOT necessary for you to convert to marry in the Catholic church. If you WANT to go through the rites of initiation; you should go talk to your priest or church secretary as soon as possible. She will be able to guide you both and give you the requirements but most churches ask that you go in at least 6 months before the wedding takes place. Your FI can't give you the excuse of not knowing how to plan. I think most of us were confused when we began planning. We also had a Catholic wedding and the ceremony was the most important part of the celebration. <strong>We started off by selecting our "Padrinos" for the ceremony. In our culture; we have Honor (also the witnesses), Lazo, Arras (Coins), Biblia y Rosario, and Flowers to Mary</strong>. They each have a meaning and it was where I started to get Fi involved in the process. From there; I gave him tasks like booking the DJ, and coming up with the playlist. If you need ideas or suggestions; you can always come ask us here. :) Also, visit the Catholic Weddings Board under Cultural Wedding Boards. The girls are really helpful. as far as your friend though; she might just be busy with work and her own life. Give her a little space and she'll come around.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>WOW, i didn't know about all that. but i really like the idea. I will have to research it. We are having a mixed wedding but i have no problem with incorporating catholic traditions. Yeah, my friend finally messaged me and said that she has been working and spent the past week with her new boyfriend, so at least i heard from her and know that she is okay. 

</div>

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:0e28e70f-b030-490b-a148-230a12f44e6f">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid : <strong>Are you trying to have a quick wedding to help his status?</strong> Please note that it's NOT necessary for you to convert to marry in the Catholic church. If you WANT to go through the rites of initiation; you should go talk to your priest or church secretary as soon as possible. She will be able to guide you both and give you the requirements but most churches ask that you go in at least 6 months before the wedding takes place. Your FI can't give you the excuse of not knowing how to plan. I think most of us were confused when we began planning. We also had a Catholic wedding and the ceremony was the most important part of the celebration. We started off by selecting our "Padrinos" for the ceremony. In our culture; we have Honor (also the witnesses), Lazo, Arras (Coins), Biblia y Rosario, and Flowers to Mary. They each have a meaning and it was where I started to get Fi involved in the process. From there; I gave him tasks like booking the DJ, and coming up with the playlist. If you need ideas or suggestions; you can always come ask us here. :) Also, visit the Catholic Weddings Board under Cultural Wedding Boards. The girls are really helpful. as far as your friend though; she might just be busy with work and her own life. Give her a little space and she'll come around.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>no, our marriage has nothing to do with that. i loved him before i even knew about that. it is just a bump in the road</div>

JillianNJohn

Sorry if I missed something but you HAVE TO convert to his religion? Thats an issue right there in my book. You do it bc you WANT to not bc you have to. I need my maid of honor for support but it has nothing to do with the groom or the wedding... It has to do with my life. But then again best friend or not I'd never be upset if she can't be there immediately when I need her. We both have lives, families, careers. Part of being a "best" friend is also understanding that the other person must still always put their families needs first. Maybe I'm doing it wrong??? It's not her responsibility to be there for me, she does it bc she wants to and visa versa. But then again I texted her something wedding Related 3 days ago and she just responded tonight. Doesn't make her a bad friend, makes her a busy person too!

Pookieson

I had a MOH that went MIA, but I wasn't concerned because she wasn't there to listen to me talk wedding or do my bidding.  I was concerned because she is my friend.  She hadn't ordered her dress and wasn't returned phone calls or texts.  Finally I stalked her down and asked her what was going on.  Once I found out, I could help her, because that is what friends do.  My friend is only 30 min away.  Also, I know it can get stressful because of all the things that are being juggled, etc, but it shouldn't be so much that you need "friend therapy" and even if you do, you have a FI, that lives with you or at least close to you. 

dreprogal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_mia-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:0457bd19-2b78-45e5-b295-a267d198c555Post:e2710cf5-322e-45d3-8552-3497f2de21bd">Re: m.i.a. bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a MOH that went MIA, but I wasn't concerned because she wasn't there to listen to me talk wedding or do my bidding.  I was concerned because she is my friend.  She hadn't ordered her dress and wasn't returned phone calls or texts.  Finally I stalked her down and asked her what was going on.  Once I found out, I could help her, because that is what friends do.  My friend is only 30 min away.  Also, I know it can get stressful because of all the things that are being juggled, etc, but it shouldn't be so much that you need "friend therapy" and even if you do, you have a FI, that lives with you or at least close to you. 
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>thats about the same thing that happened here,and i dont want her to listen to me talk about my wedding or plan it, its mostly just to have her to talk to. we used to be inseperable and now we talk once every other month. i have been going through alot of things, none of them wedding related and i just needed her to help me through them. although she hasn't heard anything yet because now when we talk i cant bring myself to say whats on my mind. 

</div>

Knottie_22383357

mcda04 summed it up best, but I wanted to throw this in....

My husband is latino, and we were married in his country. VERY catholic country, and his family is quite religious. Yeah... I'm not. My grandparents are catholic, but my mother didn't raise me to be any denomination. So I wasn't baptized, didn't have confirmation or any of those ceremonies. I got married in La Antigua, Guatemala. It's a small town and there are more than 2 dozen churches in it, almost all catholic.

Well, we were worried about getting in a catholic church since I wasn't catholic. In the end... no problems with it! I went through the whole ceremony, and the only thing the church doesn't allow is for you to participate in communion. So we went through the whole "misa" in spanish with a VERY eccentric priest (If I could go back and do it again I'd understand him perfectly, but at the time I could speak spanish but had a hard time with the native accents in his country... so I didn't understand about half of the mass)

It was the whole ordeal mcda04 described (and I was kind of lost as to what meant what and what you had to do when... I'm so lucky my in laws were so helpful!)

Your padrinos have to have been married in a catholic church too, that's the bigger catch. At least... that's how it was there? I don't know what catholic churches are like here.

But... if you think you "have to" change your religion to get married in the catholic church, please don't feel pressured, because you can still get married there. If your husband loves you, he will accept you for who you are and what you believe. No one should make you feel like you need to change your belief system just to get married, that's really not fair to you as a person.

Good luck