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22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!

So, I will try to make this LOOOOG story short. My fiance and I have been together since 1999. We got together under less than desirable circumstances...by this I mean he was married and I was engaged. Both of having children with our partners at the time. Before you hate me, please know, if I could go back I would not have done that but I was all but 21 years old. Having been in an abusive relationship with the same man since I was 11 and having a child at 16, I suppose I made some really bad choices then. This choice however brought me to my fiance now. He was married and told me he was getting a divorce. After a few years of him lying to me and his wife, I left him. He decided at that time to be with me and that is how it's been ever since 2003. We moved in together and in the meantime he didn't file for divorce. We fought about this because I never felt I could move on. I didn't actually feel the desire to marry him until about 2009. Finally my fiance got off his ass and filed for divorce on 3/19/2010. This divorce was to be final 9/19/2010. In December 2010, he proposed to me, I said YES! Now, fast forward to today....I have been telling this man that he needs to go to the court house to make sure the divorce was final and get the papers so we can get our marriage license. We are 22 days away from our wedding today and he went a week ago today only to find out, HE IS NOT DIVORCED AND IT WILL NOT BE FINAL UNTIL 3/2013!!! 
Needless to say I was PISSED! I threatened to not go through with it and leave him. On top of that, I planned this whole wedding for almost 2 years, by myself! Now I have to somehow go through with it when I know it's not real and a few select friends and family know. I am just devastated over this and am not sure I can go through with it. I am so angry and hurt and disappointed. Our plan is to have the ceremony and reception as planned on 10/13/12 and to actually be married legally in March 2013 when his divorce is finally FINAL. 

I really need some advice....WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? WALK DOWN THE AISLE OR WALK AWAY??
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Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!

  • I would walk away.  

    it just sounds like he's been jerking you around for a decade and you've been letting him.  What happens if you have your little fake wedding and then he never actually gets his divorce because he skipped a step or just blew off one big thing?
  • This relationship doesn't sound any better than your initial "abusive" one (the quotes are because this relationship also sounds abusive, not because I'm doubting that your first one was). He's been lying to you, like Anna said for over a decade.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he really wanted to marry you/be with you then he would have taken the proper steps, a long time ago.

    You are right to be angry, hurt and dissappointed. Don't start a "marriage" on this basis. Leave him because he is no good.
    June 16, 2012
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  • I would walk away.  This man lied to you about being divorced.  That's a huge effing deal.  You must have had those suspicious if you had to keep asking him to go make sure it was final.  How do you know he isn't lying about the divorce being final March of 2013?  Did you go with him to confirm this date? Did he get paperwork from the court stating this is true?  Unless you were there, in person with him, I would highly doubt that to be true.  He doesn't sound very trustworthy and that is not someone I would want to be with for any period of time.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would walk away.  He's lied to you throughout your entire relationship - ten years of lies is not a way to start a marriage.  I agree with Acaponi - if he wanted to be with you, he'd have at least taken the proper steps to make sure that you two could start a marriage a long time ago.  His divorce wasn't a priority, and to me, that reads that you aren't a priority.  I couldn't live a life like that.
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  • Walk away.  The man has been lying to you and stringing you along since 1999.  I think he's showing his true colors and basically telling you (without saying it) that he doesn't want to be married to you by not finalizing his divorce.  If he truly wanted to marry you, he would have gone to the courthouse when he said he did and filed the papers. 

    His lies are not a good foundation to start a marriage on.

  • Wow, I have had some bad relationships in my time, but yours sound like some doozies.

    Needless to say, you can change this right now. Move on! And the next time make better choices, it's never too late to make a better life for yourself. You have let this man dupe you and his wife for years and he's already proven to be a liar, so why did you still want to marry him?

    Also, I've been divorced twice, you dont just file papers and walk away, you still have to go to court even for a disolution. It usually only takes 2 minutes, but you receive you papers when you leave.

    Are you sure he actually filed?
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  • I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I agree with everyone else-- you need to respect yourself here. You deserve MUCH better than someone who has shown himself very consistently to be a liar. A marriage can't survive on lies and empty promises. Ask yourself if you really want to live like this for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, you NEED to walk away-- it will be incredibly painful to do so, but it will save you a LOT of pain later on down the road (even a lifetime of pain). Walk away, even though it will be difficult-- surround yourself with friends and family who love and support you. They will be your strength in the midst of it.
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  • I'm with the others. Walk away.

    I also know how hard it is to admit when something isn't working. I've been there and I have started over. Twice. I had some hard years, true, but I really learned who I was, who my friends were and what I was made of. Now I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who adores me and is my best friend.

    It's out there for you too. You have to be brave enough to find it.
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  • In the state of California, it doesn't take 7 months for divorce to be granted if all of the paperwork etc. was completed correctly and filed correctly and yes, there should be a court date set for the dissolution.  (I have never been divorced but one of my best friends has a family law practice so I have picked up a few things.) 

    I wouldn't walk away... I would RUN.  A fast and as far as you can.
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  • You also posted on Chit Chat and everyone screamed RUN!  Just to reiterate my post there...

    Just to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else....RUUUUN FAST and FAR AWAY!

    It may hurt and trust me...I've been where someone tells you all sorts of lies and you believe them because you want to and you think just maybe you'll be the exception...everything will work out.  But it doesn't and you end up broken.  Even more so than now.

    Everything about this relationship waves red flags.  You deserve more and are worth more than this.

    RUN.
  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]In the state of California, it doesn't take 7 months for divorce to be granted if all of the paperwork etc. was completed correctly and filed correctly and yes, there should be a court date set for the dissolution.  (I have never been divorced but one of my best friends has a family law practice so I have picked up a few things.)  I wouldn't walk away... I would RUN.  A fast and as far as you can.
    Posted by rachelm13[/QUOTE]

    Thank you! I cannot agree more. This just reaffirms for me that he hasnt filed at all.
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  • Your first 10 years of this relationship was filled with lies and you consented to them (passively), making it ok for him to lie. He thinks its ok to do whatever the if he wants, and its not fair to you. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this. Walk away, get a fresh start.
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  • A typical marriage has about a 50% divorce rate, these days... A relationship spawned from infidelity has less than a 25% chance of ever succeeding. So it seems that odds are against you. I'd walk away and try to find a real man. Someone who doesn't already have a ring on his finger.
    "Love is like a butterfly; It goes where it pleases and pleases where it goes" David & Roxy March 2, 2013 Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]This relationship doesn't sound any better than your initial "abusive" one (the quotes are because this relationship also sounds abusive, not because I'm doubting that your first one was). He's been lying to you, like Anna said for over a decade.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he really wanted to marry you/be with you then he would have taken the proper steps, a long time ago. You are right to be angry, hurt and dissappointed. Don't start a "marriage" on this basis. Leave him because he is no good.
    Posted by acaponi87[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree with you! It would be unwise to start a marriage on this basis as it will most likely lead to another divorce and more heartache. I would not want to wish that on anybody. Stay strong girl!
  • Do people honestly post things like this and expect to get responses like: "omg he sounds like a winner you should totally stay together." Do people really have to post their situation on an online forum in order to figure out what to do with their lives? If they do, I have no hope for the human race
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  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]Do people honestly post things like this and expect to get responses like: "omg he sounds like a winner you should totally stay together." Do people really have to post their situation on an online forum in order to figure out what to do with their lives? If they do, I have no hope for the human race
    Posted by MedStudent13[/QUOTE]

    Some people come here, and STAY here because they need support from somewhere, even if it's a online forum. And she obviously hasn't had much support in her lifetime.

    Don't be so "OMG I cant believe you asked that here" a lot of us here are friends and have been a support to one another.

    And personally sometimes you just need to talk to people who are not IN IT, and can give unbiased opinions. Of course deep down she probably knows she should walk away, but maybe she needs some advice.

    Don't judge her for that.
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  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP! : Some people come here, and STAY here because they need support from somewhere, even if it's a online forum. And she obviously hasn't had much support in her lifetime. Don't be so "OMG I cant believe you asked that here" a lot of us here are friends and have been a support to one another. And personally sometimes you just need to talk to people who are not IN IT, and can give unbiased opinions. Of course deep down she probably knows she should walk away, but maybe she needs some advice. Don't judge her for that.
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    YES!  I couldn't agree more...

    Further to that, it's not like she asked about kicking someone out of her WP or should she serve food... She asked something of real substance to a group of ladies that despite being strangers, are safe.  It seems to me regardless, she needs the safety and the support. 

    OP, my statement still stands.  Run away mama.  You can and WILL do better.  I promise.
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  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP! : YES!  I couldn't agree more... Further to that, it's not like she asked about kicking someone out of her WP or should she serve food... She asked something of real substance to a group of ladies that despite being strangers, are safe.  It seems to me regardless, she needs the safety and the support.  OP, my statement still stands.  Run away mama.  You can and WILL do better.  I promise.
    Posted by rachelm13[/QUOTE]

    I tell people I "fixed my picker" when I was finally out of my second marriage. I spent some time alone, got to know myself and remembered everything I hated about my past relationships. And then I figured out what I really wanted in a marriage and a husband/SO.

    My husband isnt perfect, but he's honest, smart, generous, so many things. And I dont have to worry about him being dishonest or cheating.

    Sometimes you have to reevaluate your life and you'll find what you need.
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  • Please walk away...you must. It's the only thing you can do and take time to heal.....
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  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP! : I tell people I "fixed my picker" when I was finally out of my second marriage. I spent some time alone, got to know myself and remembered everything I hated about my past relationships. And then I figured out what I really wanted in a marriage and a husband/SO.
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this 100%.  I did the same thing for a few years after I left an ex-BF who wanted to get married after three years of dating.  It was hard to take the first step but it was one of the most monumental (and good) decisions I could have made.
  • In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP! : I tell people I "fixed my picker" when I was finally out of my second marriage. I spent some time alone, got to know myself and remembered everything I hated about my past relationships. And then I figured out what I really wanted in a marriage and a husband/SO. My husband isnt perfect, but he's honest, smart, generous, so many things. And I dont have to worry about him being dishonest or cheating. Sometimes you have to reevaluate your life and you'll find what you need.
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    Fixed my picker!  Love it!

    OP run like the wind baby.  I don't know anywhere a divorce takes that long.  I would ask to see the papers.  In Missouri we have casenet and you can look on there to see court records, but I don't know about CA.  Of course I prolly wouldn't even go to the trouble of looking that up, it would take time away from packing.  What about his "wife"?  Has she moved on or is she still around?  Does she know that they are still married?
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  • Walk away- like most everyone else said, it's not worth it.  There is so much to be said about feeling the peace and happiness that comes from trust in a relationship.  You will not trust him, since you have basically pointed out that for years he has done nothing to prove he is trustworthy.  Good luck- I hope you find the strength to move on and live your life for YOU.

  • Run away, don't look back. He has lied to you for 10 years.
  • Everyone else has coverd just about everything.  Yes, walk away.  Now.  You've been lied to for over a decade and nothing is going to change if he is not willing to change it (and it does not seem he wants to).  I'm afraid that if you get married, you'd spend your life together always getting the runaround...
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  • hercules25hercules25 member
    10 Comments
    edited September 2012
    None of us knows your fiancee but we all agree you should not go ahead with a fake marriage.  Its not going to turn out well so just leave now before he lies to you to do something else that you will do since you seem to be powerless to what he says.  Anyways once a cheater always is, the more you stay with him the more he analyzes your vulnerability and uses it against you.  Thats not love girl.  I hope you will find the courage to walk and hopefully your close friends will support you as the knotties are doing


    In Response to 22 days away and I might walk away...PLEASE HELP!:
    [QUOTE]So, I will try to make this LOOOOG story short. My fiance and I have been together since 1999. We got together under less than desirable circumstances...by this I mean he was married and I was engaged. Both of having children with our partners at the time. Before you hate me, please know, if I could go back I would not have done that but I was all but 21 years old. Having been in an abusive relationship with the same man since I was 11 and having a child at 16, I suppose I made some really bad choices then. This choice however brought me to my fiance now. He was married and told me he was getting a divorce. After a few years of him lying to me and his wife, I left him. He decided at that time to be with me and that is how it's been ever since 2003. We moved in together and in the meantime he didn't file for divorce. We fought about this because I never felt I could move on. I didn't actually feel the desire to marry him until about 2009. Finally my fiance got off his ass and filed for divorce on 3/19/2010. This divorce was to be final 9/19/2010. In December 2010, he proposed to me, I said YES! Now, fast forward to today....I have been telling this man that he needs to go to the court house to make sure the divorce was final and get the papers so we can get our marriage license. We are 22 days away from our wedding today and he went a week ago today only to find out, HE IS NOT DIVORCED AND IT WILL NOT BE FINAL UNTIL 3/2013!!!  Needless to say I was PISSED! I threatened to not go through with it and leave him. On top of that, I planned this whole wedding for almost 2 years, by myself! Now I have to somehow go through with it when I know it's not real and a few select friends and family know. I am just devastated over this and am not sure I can go through with it. I am so angry and hurt and disappointed. Our plan is to have the ceremony and reception as planned on 10/13/12 and to actually be married legally in March 2013 when his divorce is finally FINAL.  I really need some advice....WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? WALK DOWN THE AISLE OR WALK AWAY??
    Posted by MrKingsQueen[/QUOTE]
  • Um you dont need to walk away, you need to RUN AWAY!  Run as fast as  you can from this man. he is not a good man to be with you, everyone girl out there needs to b with a man who treats her like the lady she is, he's not into marrying you because if he was he would have done the right steps to finalize the divorce.
  • Good grief, there are some doozies on here today.
  • If this man truly wanted to marry you he would have settled things with his wife  adecade ago. The fact that it took him 4 years to leave his wife speaks volumes. Thafact that 12 years later he still isn't divorced makes me wonder why you are even still with him. RUN!
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  • Walk away...If only for the example you set for your kids and your own self respect.

    You need to say 4 things to yourself and believe these words

    I am worth better

    Good luck sweetie
    Best, Serena
  • I divorced in California. It does take minimum of 6 months from the time you file to the time your can legally ask for a divorce. If he really filed all that time ago then he would just have to put in the judgement request papers (provided he also filled out all of the other papers). If he didn't fill out all of the other papers (disclosing property/assets and service of summons) then he would need to do that but that would only add a month or so for service purposes. It still wouldn't take another 7 months on top of that. Sounds like he never really filed in the first place.

    Which, as others pointed out, means leave the relationship. You deserve better. My ex had the "string along" tactic down too. Don't follow it. Don't let yourself be played. He will always promise to change and be better. He wont be.  Also note, many courts offer to let you check out information online. You should be able to find a record of him filing for divorce. (If you need the added incentive to check and know the truth about the situation).


    Good Luck.

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