re: the first year of marriage

MadameS

I ran into my exSIL last night, who is in the midst of a divorce from the BOM's brother. Eeeeenteresting that he ALSO had an affair, but, I digress.Ok, so obviously my first year of marriage wasn't a template for normalcy. But for everyone here who admits it was rough, or hard, I have questions.Did you live together prior to marriage? WHAT exactly was difficult? What were the unforseen topics that smacked you in the face?

Kamikaze3

I am only in month four of marriage but it has been going really well and we didn't live together before the wedding. That being said we were together for almost seven years by the time we got married so we knew each other very well and knew what issues we would have and what we would have to work on. For example I am an OCD neat freak and he is not. We knew this going in so he tries really hard to be not messy and I try to relax a little and not nag him. I think I may just be lucky because he is great at communicating and other friends have issues with quality time/money/sharing space. I was really nervous because I always heard people say the 1st year was so hard but I am surprised at how easy we made the transition of living together.

FallinAgain

Is this the brother you (jokingly?) encouraged BOM to set up with a hooker in Vegas? On the flip side, I didn't find the first year hard and we did not live together before marriage.

.MrsBailey.

We lived together for about a year before we got married. 3 months into being married we were buying a house but it fell threw and we were forced to live with my parents for 3 months, that mostly just sucked. I wouldn't say it was hard but more of a challenge especially once we moved into our house. Getting my H out of his lazy apartment living and into doing things around the house is still a challenge. We have only had one big fight since we got married.No big surprises once we were married and I think that was due to living together. I already knew all his annoying habits and we had already worked most of those out.

MadameS

hmmmm, I don't remember the vegas hooker thing, but I can see how I would joke about it. exSIL and their daughter shared a room, while exBIL had his own room. She was breastfeeding that kid at age 6 (maybe still is, I didn't ask), and did attachment parenting. I mean, I don't know the ins and outs of their marrriage, and I'm not granting him a free pass, but I'm not so shocked that exBIL looked for companionship elsewhere.

CaliopeSpidrman

I always wondered about what sort of issues would suddenly crop up once people got married to make the first year hard.  Our first year of marriage was pretty much the same as the year prior and the two years since.  He still thinks I need to stop stacking my bills on his desk, and I still think he needs to quit smoking.We lived together for about 2 years before we got married.

SarahBethBR

I know I've said this before, so I'll answer. For us, I don't think it was just because we got married.  We lived together for two years before we got maried, and we had joint finances and all that jazz.  A year before we got married we moved a 7 hour drive away from our closest friends and family.  Before the wedding, there were plenty of excuses to drive back home (since that's where we were getting married) and spend money and it was something to concentrate on.  After we got married, we decided to work on paying off all of our debt and getting a down payment so we could buy a house.So now, we were far away from all of our friends, didn't want to spend the gas money to get up there (this was when gas was super high), didn't want to spend money on doing fun activites, and we were forced to get used to the fact that we lived here now.  It was hard for us to make friends here, because everyone already had a built in group they went to college with.  It was just a tough time for both of us, and we took it out on each other.  We fought most often about money, probably because we were so focused on it at the time.Now that we've bought the house and have good friends here, and we feel like we can travel when we need to, we're in a much better place.  Except when I forget to iron his pants.

GroomzMcFinehiney

Jimmy and I lived together before we got married.  The only thing that I found difficult about the first year was finances.  We had finished a year of budgeting and saving for the wedding, and Jimmy was not prepared to start all over again to budget and save for a house.  He's the grasshopper, and I'm the ant, it seems. Other than that, the first year of marriage was not much different than the year of living in sin that preceeded it.

mashedpotato

we really haven't had any issues, I acutally expected it to be difficult, but it wasn't.  We lived together 16 months before we got married. 

cmc714

We lived together for a little over 2 years before the wedding. We didn't find the first year of marriage any different than the previous two.

wendyld

WE lived together for less than a year prior. For us marriage, buying a house, moving cross country, and a baby all in the first year are huge stressors that kicked my Hs bipolar disorder into overdrive and dealing with that was far more difficult and prominent than when we were dating.

CaptainSerious

Our first 6 months of marriage were amazing, but than we hit a year or so rough patch.  We celebrated our 5th anniversary last July and things have been great for the last 3 years.Although, we lived together for a brief time before marriage, I think our problems stemmed from the reality of forever sinking in.  While we were dating, neither one of us could get over how easy things were between us.  We had each been in stressful relationships before, and we felt so lucky to have something so simple, we overlooked any petty annoyances.  We only had one argument in the whole time before we were engaged (about 1.5 years).  We had a few more while planning the wedding, but I was also working full time, studying for the LSATs, and applying to law schools, so my stress level was through the roof.Once we were married, all the little things built up.  We hadn't figured out each other's "fighting" style or how to best address issues that were bothering us.  So, I'd tell him how I felt about things, and he felt like I was constantly picking on him.  He'd bottle up his concerns, and when he had enough, he'd pick a fight over the most stupid thing.  Then everything else would come to the surface.  It took us some time to learn how to express our concerns to one another without causing unintentional hurt or more problems.  Once we got past that and got to a point of openly addressing issues in a way that works for both of us, things have been smooth sailing.

shanollee

J and I lived in sin for 4 1/2 years before we got married, so now that we've been married for 7 months it's pretty much the same old song and dance.  I will say that first year of living together was complete HELL for both of us, so I guess we got our "hard first year of marriage" out of the way at that time.  We wanted to kill each other on a daily basis back then, and when I look back on it I'm honestly shocked we stuck it out.  I think we were both equally to blame for the misery we were wallowing in, and we were each taking it out on the other.  All in all I think we grew a lot from the experience, sucktastic as it was, and it ultimately brought us closer.  But it all turned out great in the end

noisy_penguin

We lived together for quite awhile before marriage and we didn't really have much of an adjustment to make after the wedding. I think our toughest time was when I went back to work after Will was born, and before that about six months after we moved away from Seattle, when the reality of living in San Diego long-term set in.

ftnups

I guess we technically lived together before we got married, it was more like my lease was up and we were getting married in three months. I found the first year of marriage quite easy and really enjoyed it. We seemed to transition really well.The first year of parenting together? Now, that was a different story. There are a number of reasons for that (e.g., my mom got sick weeks after matt was born, I found I was a lot less easygoing after having a baby than I was before, his work stress went through the roof, his communication skills are not award-winning haha, etc), so probably not fair to blame it on simply becoming parents. But we found it very challenging, and I would say things have really started to get easier in the last month or so. Mostly because they really came to a head.I bet that wasn't really helpful, right?

mrsbaecker101108

We lived together for 2+yrs prior to getting married so no surprises in that department.  However we both lost the jobs we had (moved to a differnt state for those jobs) and had to move again, live with my parents for a while and had a lot of money stressers this year.  Not the typical first year of marrige.  This could have very well happened before we got married or years after.  Other than those things I don't think the first year of marriage was hard. 

buddhagouda

Our first year had no major issues. We both work really hard at calmly addressing issues and not letting anything simmer and blow up. We did not live together before we were married, but we did do some pretty extensive pre-marriage counseling with a licensed therapist. We did personality tests, delved into family history, and discussed how our individual traits might create issues and how best to deal with them. I found that process invaluable.

wingedbride

We lived together officially about 10 months before we got married, but stayed together pretty much every night for about 6 months before that.It wasn't really any different once we got married. When we moved in there was an adjustment to dealing with bathroom habits, tv habits, etc. but nothing big.

KristenBtobe

We lived together about a year and a half before marriage. I'll echo the sentiments of Noisy and Fitty, the first 6 months-year of parenting was a harder transition for us than the first year of marriage. But we're lucky, it really wasn't that bad.  Mostly it stemmed from being tired and the financial changes we had to make to adjust to me working PT.

AngieP900

We aren't very far into the first year of marriage, but I'll answer anyway. We met as roomates, so we lived together since we've known each other. We bought a house a year ago, so at that point we had all the joiunt accoutns set up, and I take care of all the finances still. So nothing has really changed, although it has only been a few months.One thing I have noticed is that we can be more short with the other one. We don't fight very much, and that hasn't changed, but we bicker a bit more. I think it's because since we are married, the bond is stronger and we let go of whatever restraint we had.

Novemberrocks

Interesting question.  I have two experiences to share: -I got married over 5 yrs ago to a d-bag.  I kind of knew he was a dbag going into it, but he was my dbag.  We lived together for a year and a half before getting married (and were together for 4 yrs total by the time the wedding came around.  Within 2 months of the 'marriage', he told me that he wasn't sure he was ever in love with me and couldn't help but think that there was someone better than me 'out there'.  I told him to go find her.  He started dating his cheesy work girlfriend (she draws on her eyebrows) within 2 months of moving out of our place.  Prior to the wedding, he said everything I wanted him to say, but I always had the feeling that there was another shoe to drop.  I ignored my gut telling me something just wasn't right (I'll never do that again).  I think he was banking on life being different after the wedding and was shocked and upset when it wasn't any different.-I have now been married close to 1 yr (11/2 is my anniversary - red velvet cake is my favorite, fyi) and it's been such a different experience.  Again, we lived together for about a year and a half before the wedding, but this time I wasn't young and dumb.  Of course we have issues, as every couple does, but I never doubted my H's commitment to me and to the relationship.   This past year hasn't really been that hard.  Now, parenthood -- that may throw us for a loop.

KayRI

We started living together when we got engaged, a little over a year before we got married.  I was surprised at how easy it was moving in together, and being married, because we had both lived alone for so long.  We really haven't had any adjustment issues.  I'm sure when we get further into parenting it will be different.

shanollee

I'm a little terrified of what the parenting phase of our lives may bring. We have very different communication styles, which has been an ongoing project that we work on, and we also deal with stress in very different ways (and have very different gauges about what's stressful and what isn't).  But we'll cross that bridge when we get there, I suppose

mashedpotato

I really thought there would be issues between my son and H.  They get along great, but I thought it would be difficult for them to adjust.  Luckily that hasn't been an issue at all, they get along great, respect each other and they both know I'm in charge!

CaptainSerious

I, too, am worried about how we'll cope with the stressors when we bring our child home.  Not only will we have to face the typical issues, our child will be older and we will have to immediately deal with more complex parenting things like discipline and language differences.  Now that we understand how to better reach each other, though, I think the groundwork is set to make the transition as smooth as possible.

heatherkj

I agree with whoever said that they had a rough time when they first moved in together. That was us. We lived together for 3 years prior to the wedding, and we had a bit of rough patch within the first 3-4 months after moving into our house. There was a lot to do (painting, projects, etc.) and getting used to being in each other's space all of the time was a little difficult.As silly as it sounds, our only other rough patch was right after getting a puppy. I had grown up with pets, but underestimated how much work a puppy can be--and H had never had a dog, so he had absolutely no clue. There was added responsibility, less sleep, and she was just a handful. I think he resented me for "changing our lives" (puppy was my idea) and he soo badly wanted to get rid of the dog. We fought about it a lot. We got through it though, and things obviously got easier as she grew. (Now I'm pretty sure he would choose the dog over ME!) And since we went through that with a foffing dog, I'm sure we'll go through something similar when we have a baby--hopefully without the resentment part.

MadameS

Ok, well this is all pretty close to what I thought. It's not so much the first year of "marriage" that's rough. I think the phrase it pretty well overused.  The first year of ANY big change brings the stress. I can chalk that up to common sense. But since my first year of living together coincided with the first year of marriage, it was maybe a little harder to tell WHAT the stress was coming from. I mean, other than that whole affair deal.

Vinny08

Mo - I never really tracked your stories until after the big D.  Where do you stand on the whole living together debate?For me, we lived together practically as soon as we started dating.  We have known each other since I was 18, but didn't get together until I was 28 (I think).  I really don't think there was any change after we got married.Early baby days were rough-ish, but that is just sleep deprivation.  There was one really bad day where we were both exhausted and bitter, but we got over it quickly.  But, I think we just have the little family that we both have always wanted, so there haven't been any huge adjustment issues. 

Vinny08

...and nevermind.  You just answered my questions.

BobLoblaw

We had some pretty ginormous stresses last year, so it wasn't so much the marriage thing that made it stressful. I will say that "new baby stress" is my main reservation in getting pregnant.

MadameS

vin, we dated for 5 years prior to marriage, with no monkey business. sometimes he could be a tool- but as nov said, he was "my" tool. but there was NOTHING there that would have clued me into what I was going to deal with. Oh, funny thing. exSIL, who is weird, yet very sweet, said the BOM's new chick is really b!tchy, unfriendly, and that they fight all the time. To which I said, "good".