rant and vibez needed

pdxmouse

My sis is visiting this weekend after moving to New Orleans this summer. I think I've talked about her eating disorder here, but if not- my sis is 5' 9" and hasn't weighed over 100 pounds in the last 7 years. My mom encouraged her to move across the country despite not being anywhere near healthy, despite having a terrible track record of taking care of herself because moving might "help her find herself" and that's all you really need to get over ED, right? (This is my mother who encouraged her to drop out of treatment because the pressure to drop her extremely restrictive vegan diet and refusal to believe she had allergies to most fats and oils was a sign that the treatment people just didn't understand my sister's needs.)It might surprise no one to learn that my sis now looks worse than ever. I doubt she weighs 90 pounds. I have no idea how she isn't in a hospital already. I have no idea how she's still alive and looking at her, I doubt she will be for long. My mom's forbidden me to bring it up. We're supposed to act like nothing's wrong because anything else might upset her. Besides my parents already talked to her, you know? And encouraged her to see a doctor in NOLA- where she has no one and has no one to take care of her because what would be the point of trying to get her in to see someone here? (This is the same mom who has refused to think about my sister's ED because putting "negative thoughts" out there would only make the problem stronger. Who after my sis dropped out of treatment, instead of following up with a doctor and therapist, treated my sister with herbs and homeopathic remedies and gave her money for massage. And told me not to talk or think about my sister slowly becoming a walking skeleton because those "negative thoughts" are the real problem. Not the refusal to deal with reality because confronting reality might mean acknowledging the hell that was our childhoods, that was never the problem. Also, according to her, I need to accept that my sister might die because that might be what she chooses along her karmic path.) So I'm supposed to make nice, like nothing's wrong and just enjoy visiting with the animated corpse that is my sister. I'm scared if I don't they'll cut me out like they have so many times before because I'm just being mean and I don't understand. I'm so scared if I don't say something I'll watch my sister die or get a phone call in the middle of the night and just never see her again. Which might happen anyway. Does anyone know any magic words that I can use to make this better? I can't just sit there and accept this might be the last time I see her. I can't just enjoy what I have left because it isn't fuucking right. And I'm vacillating between rage and despair and I just want someone to tell me how to fix this. Help.

salimoo

Don't listen to your mother. Talk to her. She needs to want to get help but she also needs to know that someone is noticing this. Does she have any friends you can reach out to, either where you are or, preferably, in NOLA?Don't just ignore it. It's time to start ignoring your mom's "advice," but not your sister's problem.

KristenBtobe

Trust your gut.  I wouldn't be able to stay silent while someone I love needs help. Your mom is enabling her by denying the issue, that will not help her one bit. Plus I'm sure deep down she feels responsible in some way for your sister's challenges, and by ignoring them it allows her the freedom to not acknowledge that guilt. I'd take the chance of being cut off by my parents to speak out to my sister.

CaliopeSpidrman

I can't imagine your sister being able to move around and function any skinnier than she already was, so I can understand how freaked you must be for her.Here's the thing -- you know your mom has been actively enabling your sister with her various excuses for years now.  Things like "the doctors don't understand her" or "she's just been so busy she forgets to eat" have not helped your sister one bit.  So you need to speak your mind.  If they close you out, they close you out.  But at least you tried.  You'd feel much worse wondering the "what ifs" if your sister died and you didn't speak up.  You can't save her -- only she can.  But you also don't have to help her kill herself this way.

pdxmouse

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I have spoken up all along, my sis was living with us at one point. But whenever things got tough (ie I pushed her to get treatment or actually deal with stuff), my mom would wrap her arms around her and tell her not to worry, I was just being mean. I'm worried speaking up could get me cut off from my sister. Also, I think I might hate my mom.

pdxmouse

I will say something, I just don't know what to say. I might try begging this time. I wishe I had the means for bribery. "Gain ten pounds and get $1000."

FallinAgain

I can't imagine anything worse than the guilt of me staying silent and a family member dying.  If they (who--your mom?  If so, how? or your sister?) cut you off, they do.  At least you'll have the peace of knowing that you did all you could do.

wendyld

I can certainly relate to the mom-hate there, and I absolutely think part of why she doesn't want to think about or deal with it is because she doesn't want to acknowledge her part in it. I'm going to have to echo what everyone else has said. Tell your mom to get bent, you HAVE to talk to your sister. I'm sure you've addressed it with every technique you know already (love, worry, compassion, anger, frustration, backflips, whatever), but you have to keep trying because you know she needs help. Doesn't want it, NEEDS it.

BrideBuddies

Mouse, I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all of this.Is there a possibility you and Sis can go out without Mom along?  I'd take the girl straight to a doctor's office by force and make her sit down and listen to what he/she says.  I know you can't really force anyone to do something, but at least you'd know you tried.And as for your mom "ordering" you to make nice.... that's BS.  Your sis is practically on the verge of death!! What's worse... pissing off your family or burying your sister?   Ask your mom THAT question and see what she says.

the_mulva

I'll tell ya this, having a eating disorder while living in NOLA w/ all that awesome food is a travesty.

ChristinS

Holy crap Mouse. My heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If I were you I think I would try to get some serious alone time with my sister, sit her down, tell her how much you love her, how you don't want to watch her die, and how you want her to get help. I know dealing with this situation is easier said than done, but follow your instincts. Good luck. All my VIBEZZ to you.

jens_a_ten

I don't have a whole lot of advice to give beyond the suggestions others have already made, but I'm really sorry you're going through this Mouse. My sister-in-law also has a severe eating disorder, and has been close to death a few times. I know how excruciating it is to watch someone killing herself willingly-- it's a feeling of complete powerlessness. Hugs and vibez for you, and vag chops to your mom.

TSD

Ugh. I (sort of) get how powerless you feel and how frustrating it is. Obviously I have different issues, but the powerlessness, dire of situation, and frustration is similar.... My mom was sort of like your mom- just a general living in la la land. My brother and sister both have extreme issues and my mom ended up being the enabler. For my brother it was because she felt she had to be both mom & dad his whole life and he was the "baby". And my sister- she'd rather have my sister speaking to her than not, and my sister is so volatile, that my mom would rather say nothing than anger her in any way by trying to work out some stuff. My mom died without my sister and her ever coming to any resolution on stuff and I don't think my sister will ever believe she was/is in the wrong. My sister would rather direct all her anger at me and call it a day. My point is that I would talk to my mom about my brother and sister- first in anger, then just resolutely, but my mom just didn't want to hear it. So, we stopped talking about them altogether. I only found out after her death about some hardcore sh*t my brother got he and my mom into. It's unfortunate but you have two choices- do something and risk their anger, and the possibility that your intervention won't even do anything. Or have your sister die, feel guilt yourself over your powerlessness in the situation and watch your parents finally have to confront their own guilt coupled with grief. Either situation sucks, but if you care about your sister, then i feel like you'll do whatever you can/have to do to make sure she gets the treatment she needs. I just caution you that eating disorders are on that short list of most incurable....so, you may just have to surrender to the fact that there isn't a whole lot you can do especially if she doesn't want the help and you (and she) have no support system to make sure she is being checked up upon. It sounds like she needs intensive inpaitent treatment and I don't know how that's going to happen if your parents refuse to confront the issue with you. I'm sorry you're going through this and good luck.

wingedbride

This is terrible. I am so sorry. But I agree with others that I would say something, anything. I could not let her leave without feeling like I tried something to help her.   I have some family and friends in the New orleans area. If there is anything I can do to try to see what help may be available there, please let me know. Even if it is just to pass on information to you about services.

Knottie_22382080

I would say something, but I don't know what it is like to have a family member go through this, only a friend who did get help that seemed to work for a while, but now seems to have slipped into another form of ED.