Snarky Brides

I know you guys will answer this honestly...

FI and I are FINALLY official!! But when we told his family about it, we also mentioned that we were considering an adults-only wedding. We were told that there would be hurt feelings, but were in NO WAY prepared for what has happened.We have gotten phone calls, screaming at us, guilt trips, and any other host of things so that FI's two aunts can bring their children. His grandmother refuses to come if we do not include the children. We could handle all this, if it weren't for the fact that his parents told us in no uncertain terms that "it is NOT your day, it is everyone else's day". His father told us that he would take the money they would contribute to the honeymoon to a bigger venue so that we can have *everybody* at the wedding.We do not WANT children at our wedding. There are specific kids in our family that we simply could not handle, as their parents don't really keep them behaved, and we can't invite some children and not all children. So I guess my question is this: Is it really so wrong of us to want this to go our way? It isn't even that they want their kids to see us get married- when we told them that their drama was making us consider eloping and then having a reception later, the answer was "well the kids won't be invited to that either!"We are having a late-night ceremony and reception, with copious amounts of alcohol and loud music. It is not the appropriate atmosphere for children, to my way of thinking.At this point, even the idea of compromise is beyond them. To them, either their children are COMPLETELY included, or none of his family comes. Is it really fair of two aunts and a grandmother to hijack what is supposed to be the only day that is what WE want??

Re: I know you guys will answer this honestly...

  • If the kid thing is going to cause a huge family drama-fest-- Why not see if you can get a small room at your venue, fill it with stuff for kids, hire a sitter or two for the night, and then be worry free and drama free at your party? That way everyone can bring the kids, but they'll be out of the way.
  • If some of your parents are contributing money - sorry, they do have some say in how it's planned.  I agree with PP - offer a seperate room for kids to get away to.
  • I had the same problem with FI's family. We just ended up giving in and decided to have children there. However, if you give into this, they will keep trying to run everything and it is a huge pain. We have been through children, alcohol, location, moeny issues, and who will be there. I am sure there were some other problems I can't think of right now. I would just try to talk to them about it again. Also, if your parents are paying for part or all of the wedding they do have some say in what they do and don't want there.
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  • I am reading your name as missionary, which makes me unsure if you are practical or just boring.
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    For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
  • Fair? No, but it is what it is.  You have to make a couple of decisions here. 1) Are you willing to give up the money they are contributing to have the wedding the way you want it?  With money comes some control. 2) Is it more important to have his family (or at least the aunts and grandmother) there or to have a child-free wedding?The child room may work, though I suspect peole this insistent on bringing their kids won't leave them in the assigned place.  I'm usually one for playing nice to get off on the right foot with the new family, but I'd call their bluff and say "Sorry, no kids.  If you choose to skip your grandson's/nephew's wedding, we'll be sad and miss you, but we understand."  
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  • 1) I agree that it's also everyone else's day. You're hosting, which means it's your job to accomodate your guests.  Not to say they should be able to hijack the event, but we should be clear on that.2) You can invite some children and not others.   Just make it clear that you were blackmailed into it.  Be very open about this fact.3) Do not take money from your parents, and they won't be able to tell you what to do.4) Plenty of children survive loud music and alcohol in their general vicinity.  That's a weak reason.  "I just don't want kids" is much stronger and more valid.5) Conditioner is better because it makes your hair smooth and silky.
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    3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
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    I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
    It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
  • Technically you can do whatever you want with your money but it might not be worth alienating your family. Go with Jens idea of the babysitters and kids room. If you don't care about pissing off your unreasonable family threatening to boycott your wedding if they do not get their way, then stick to your guns. We had kids at our wedding, they were entertaining and made for a lot of cute pics. Is the "90" in your screen name the year you were born? If that is the case, disregard my advice and wait to get married altogether.
  • I don't understand the "we can't invite some children and not all children" frame of mind. We did exactly that. We invited children we were close to--mainly our nephews, and our cousins' kids (so, second cousins?). Some of my husband's first cousins were pretty young (10, 12 years old) and they were invited, too. But our friends? More distant family members? Their children weren't invited. Plain and simple, and we didn't have any issues.Your fiance's aunt's children--these would be his first cousins, no? I don't really think it's so much of a stretch for the family to want them there. Are they blowing it out of proportion by threatening to boycott your wedding? Yes. But it is what it is.One thing that you're going to have to learn about marriage is that you have to pick your battles. Is this really worth all of the stress and fighting? Is it worth alienating your new family over?
  • I'm with Heather. We did invite some kids and not others. My step-brothers kids, my younger cousins, my husbands nieces and nephews. Friends kids? Not so much. To me, the wedding was also about us becoming becoming a part of eachother's families. I wanted them all there. That being said, if you really feel like they'll somehow ruin your wedding (which I don't really understand) then hold your ground, but don't expect any financial contributions.
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  • She says the problem is family kids.  I'm sympathetic to the idea that you can't invite angelic cousin Tommy and not invite bratty cousin Leroy.
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  • Ah, yes. That makes more sense, Fallin. And I'd agree with that.But to the OP--I still think this won't be as big a deal as you think it is. I don't know how big of a wedding you're having, but I'm willing to bet you'll be too preoccupied with other guests and the things going on to worry about whether bratty cousin is throwing a temper tantrum over in the corner while you're doing your bouquet toss.
  • The kids you DON'T want, are they also first cousins?  You could hedge around the bratty kids by using that rule.  Or simply not invite the bratty kids.  If the parents ask why, tell them that they are bad parents who cannot control their children.
    image
    3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
    Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
    I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
    It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
  • Family kids could include nieces and nephews and cousin's kids, which you could easily exclude while still having your first cousins.
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    3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
    Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
    I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
    It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
  • I do find it obnoxious that people are making ultimatums about your wedding, but in the end, you'll live a happier life if you just compromise and let the closest family kids come.  Was my wedding exactly how I pictured it?  No.  Do I even remember exactly how I initially pictured it?  Nope, not at all.  All I know is that everyone was hammered, danced, and had a good time.You could always set up a wedding pokey, and lock 'em up in there if they misbehave.
    image Mabel the Loser.
  • funny thing is, you can say, "no children" all day long and someone will probably still bring their unruly brats.  I hope you are a having a security officer to enforce the "no children" rule.  "Cmon little Timmy, you're going in the patrol car.  Don't make me taze you."
  • Mulva is right about that.  We had one family who brought all three kids--none invited; none rsvp'ed for.  It required shifting seats at tables to accommodate them.  And, while we play the "you shouldn't expect gifts" bs, it really pissed me off that, after all that, they gave us a $20 check.
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  • I am not clear on if your dad is just planning to contribute to the honeymoon, or if you are expecting financing from other family members.  If you are paying for the wedding yourselves, I think it sucks that people are making these demands. However, I do have to say that I like having kids at weddings.  In our family, it is often the only time we get to see everybody.Regarding the late night partying, it is up to the parents to make those decisions for their kids.  I got married in Vegas and had all of my family there (including many kids under the age of 12).  I enjoyed seeing them there, but I barely interacted with any of them throughout the wedding day.  There are unruly kids in my family and the parents often ignore them, so I feel you on that.   However, I really don't think it is as big of a deal as you are picturing. 
  • Have I mentioned that my father-in-law's cousin added his two uninvited teens to the RSVP and then we added them to our head count?  And then they didn't show up because they had a soccer game?  And the parents gave us $30?I'm pretty sure I have told this story 17 times, and will tell it again.  I am proudly still bitter about these people who I had never met before and will probably never see again in my life.
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    "As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
  • I have never understood the no kids rule. I didn't notice the kids at my wedding. I hardly noticed the other adults. I was otherwise occupied.
  • This is a tricky one. My friend got married over the summer and they were forced to ban all kids (even the nice ones) because the bride's best friend has two completely ill-managed kids who run amok at any opportunity, while the parents pretend it isn't happening. On the other hand kids can be good fun. Sometimes you have to compromise. I had my heart set on a reception venue, but because the venue wasn't a hotel there were no rooms etc for kids to get changed, nap etc. Groom really wanted life to be easier for everyone so we switched to a different venue. The children's room is a really good idea. At weddings here kids generally eat dinner, then boogie, then fall asleep in their buggie / on a sofa / under a table etc. If it was me I would bite my tongue, and keep the peace. It's not a nice way to start your married life.
  • Thanks for the input guys. I'm not sure who asked whether "90" is the year I was born, but yes it is. And you can go ahead and tell me to wait on my marriage, but I've been with him since I was 14 and marriage is, surprisingly, the best decision for us financially, since I have already moved out of the house. In my state, I am not eligible for financial aid because my parents earn too much. Until I am married or turn 24, my FAFSA is based on my parents' information. But whatever. You're not the first to say that I'm too young.I am still unsure what we will end up doing- my parents are paying for the entire wedding as of right now, and we are getting to create our dream wedding because of that. However, if we invite kids simply because his family has pressured us into it, we lose that financial backing. At this point, it is either his family or mine. Which makes it substantially harder than just saying "bring your goddamn kids already and stop bitching".And the kids in question are ALL first cousins. Bratty first cousins, angelic first cousins. So I really wouldn't want to invite some and not others.
  • But if you don't invite kids to your wedding, you won't be able to attend it.  I won't bother trying to talk you out of making this giant foffing mistake of getting married to the first boy to ever touch you under the bra because I'm sure you think you're a special case and mature for your age and have been through so much, but YIPES....good luck with all that.
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    "That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
  • Obviously, you guys have made up your minds about me already; I'm not going to try and change them. I will simply ask that if you have anymore advice on handling my FIL's, please let me know.
  • We haven't made up our minds about you. We are speaking about our beliefs based upon plenty of life experience.But honestly for this situation, I am going to say that if you want your wedding your way, then pay for it yourself. That is what grown ups do and you better learn to deal with that harsh reality in life. having a pretty princess day versus a JOP wedding makes no differents in your college funding options.
  • i'm going through a very similar situation.  my fiance and i are adamant about not having children at our wedding, and when we announced this his family flipped out saying that our wedding is not about us, it's about family.first of all, this is completely untrue.  it's about us and our love and commitment for each other.  no where in my vows will i be pledging my life and commitment to his mother, or his sister, or his brother-in-law - just him.  yes, they will always be my family, but this celebration is about US.like you, we made this rule because my fiance's nephew is completely out of control, climbing on top of tables and screaming when he feels he is being ignored, hitting/kicking people, throwing chairs, etc - all at the age of 5.  His parents have absolutely no control over him, and there is no way in hell i'm going to have my ceremony interrupted by some screaming/crying out of control brat.  we stood firm with what we wanted and the protests have died down.  i did try to assign "jobs" to his family (his sister is making a grooms cake, etc), which got them pretty excited and helped a lot.we have it a little bit easier since my parents/us are paying for the entire thing, so we are not losing any money from them.  the only advice i can give you is to stand firm about what the two of you want, and everyone else who is being childish and selfish will just have to deal.
  • Good luck with your wedding plans. I really hope things work out for you, and I mean longer term not in terms of your wedding. If it's any comfort my parents met in their early teens, got married when mum was 17and 39 years on are one of the happiest couples I know. I hope you are this type of young couple.
  • Getting married because its the best financial decision ensures a long and happy marriage.  Getting married because you love each other and have had enough experience to feel ready to commit to someone and share the ups and downs of this journey called life with them is sooooo 1990.
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  • Well angel, my parents got married when they were 19 and have been married for 46 years, but it has been mostly miserable and awful for everybody involved up until a couple years ago.  So your theory stinks. :P
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    "That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
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