Snarky Brides

This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!

So.. I have no idea what to do. Looking for some advice. 

I am in the beginning stages of wedding planning. I was really hoping to keep the bridal party really small (2-3 bridesmaids). My fiance decided he wants his dad to be his best man, his brother-in-law, and his sister's boyfriend to be groomsmen. He also decided for me that his younger sister WILL be a bridesmaid. Therefore, i insisted my younger brother WILL be a groomsmen.. so that's all fine and good. Moving on..

His older sister just had the first baby of the family.. and people are acting like a baby has never been born before. Originally, I wanted no kids at the wedding for a variety of reasons. As we were discussing this as an OPTION, my fiance took it upon himself to tell his older sister that I don't want kids at the wedding so her son can't come. Exactly how he phrased it... way to throw me under the bus.

Of course she flipped out, the younger sister also lost it (bridesmaid) and informed me that no kids is not an option, saying "you upset her so much, there WILL be kids at your wedding." 

In an effort to make things a little better, my fiance and I were trying to think of small ways to include sister and baby in the wedding. He suggests to me that his sister CARRY the baby down the isle to act as ring bearer. I did not like this idea. No ring bearers, No flower girls, Obviously kids are coming to the wedding now, but I don't want kids in the party. This is not a celebration for other people's kids.

What does my fiance do, AGAIN? Hauls off and tells his sister she can carry her kid down the isle as ring bearer, again before the both of us have agreed on a decision. I think this is the tackiest, most ridiculous after-thought idea ever. The kid is too young to walk! What does she wear? How do we do pictures? Just... all things wrong in my opinion.

The only thing I can think of is making her another bridesmaid, which I don't want to do. The party is already bigger than I wanted, I'm buying the dresses for the girls. And now I'll have a bridesmaid standing up holding a kid? Um no. I'm furious. The damage has already been done, and I don't know how to fix it.

If it's not obvious, clearly I'm delighted that my father ad I are spending a ridiculous amount of money, so that my husband's family can have a celebration for a baby.

If anybody managed to read all of this, some feedback would be extraordinarily helpful. What do we do with the sister? What do we do with this damn baby?  

PLEASE HELP! Thank you!!!

Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!

  • I think you and your FI need to be more on the same page about this wedding. I also think you sound very jealous of the attention this new baby is getting.

    Is there any particular reason your FI wants the baby in the wedding? If so, you should respect his wishes and work to find a solution that makes you both happy. If he's just doing it to make his sister happy, then he needs to grow some balls and talk to her about the fact that being a guest at the wedding is and honor and let her know that the baby won't be in the wedding.

  • You don't need to include her in the wedding party.  You don't need to include his younger sister on your side, either... she can stand up for him, and your brother can stand up for you.

    Even if you say no kids, breastfeeding babies are always an exception, so I don't think anyone would care if the little newborn was sitting in the church.

    However, it sounds more like you're jealous of the baby's attention, which is a whole 'nother issue on its own.  Grow up. Talk to your FI and ask him not to communicate wedding plans until after they've been finalized.

    How close are you with his older sister? Can you give her a quick call to discuss with her what she wants? She might just prefer to be a guest.
  • It really sounds like you and your FI suck at communicating. Sorry but that's the truth. And by the tone of your long rant, it seems that there is some missing respect as well on both sides. You two need to have an adult conversation about what you want, come to a mutual agreement, THEN talk to all of the family together about YOUR wishes as a COUPLE. Until then, this is going to be a disaster.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image
  • This is not a wedding issue, it's an FI issue. It doesn't sound like he respects you or even cares about what you want. At the same time, it doesn't sound like you respect him or care about his family. especially calling the kid a "damn baby." It's not the baby's fault.

    It's not just your wedding. You have to compromise on things. Talk to your FI rationally. You both sound kind of immature to demand your siblings be in the wedding, like it's a tit-for-tat kind of thing. I have no advice on the wedding stuff other than to sit down and have a chat with your FI, and actually listen to one another.
  • I think you need to figure out what to do with your FI before you figure out what to do with the sister and the baby.  You guys are not on the same page, and he clearly isn't respecting your wishes enough to even come to a mutual decision with you before spouting off his mouth.  Then again, if you talk to him like you phrased this post, I can't say I blame him.

    So calm down, grow up, and have an adult discussion with your fiance first.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • You have a communications issue with your fiance that you need to work out before you get married.

    Fix that and then fix the other problems.  If that means that the two of you agree that she will not carry the baby down the aisle then the two of you sit down with her and tell her that in re-thinking your wedding you would prefer to have her attend - with her baby.

    You can still specify no kids by addressing the inner envelope to who exactly in a family in invited. You would list Mr & Mrs Joe Smith or Joe & Lisa Smith but not list their children if you don't want kids. If they RSVP for the 2 of them and add their 4 kids, you call them and tell them that you are looking forward to seeing them at the wedding but the invitation is for the two of them.

    Small babies, especially those who are nursing have to come with their mothers. You have to hope their mothers have the sense to sit near an aisle and leave if the baby cries. You can also instruct the groomsmen/ushers that they should seat anyone with a small child near an aisle, rather than the center of a row so that they can leave quickly if they need to.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:d3dd2dd5-9c0e-4eaa-9b36-2b2757b42795">This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So.. I have no idea what to do. Looking for some advice.  I am in the beginning stages of wedding planning. I was really hoping to keep the bridal party really small (2-3 bridesmaids). My fiance decided he wants his dad to be his best man, his brother-in-law, and his sister's boyfriend to be groomsmen. He also decided for me that his younger sister WILL be a bridesmaid. Therefore, i insisted my younger brother WILL be a groomsmen.. so that's all fine and good. Moving on.. His older sister just had the first baby of the family.. and people are acting like a baby has never been born before. Originally, I wanted no kids at the wedding for a variety of reasons. As we were discussing this as an OPTION, my fiance took it upon himself to tell his older sister that I don't want kids at the wedding so her son can't come. Exactly how he phrased it... way to throw me under the bus. Of course she flipped out, the younger sister also lost it (bridesmaid) and informed me that no kids is not an option, saying "you upset her so much, there WILL be kids at your wedding."  In an effort to make things a little better, my fiance and I were trying to think of small ways to include sister and baby in the wedding. He suggests to me that his sister CARRY the baby down the isle to act as ring bearer. I did not like this idea. No ring bearers, No flower girls, Obviously kids are coming to the wedding now, but I don't want kids in the party. This is not a celebration for other people's kids. What does my fiance do, AGAIN? Hauls off and tells his sister she can carry her kid down the isle as ring bearer, again before the both of us have agreed on a decision. I think this is the tackiest, most ridiculous after-thought idea ever. The kid is too young to walk! What does she wear? How do we do pictures? Just... all things wrong in my opinion. The only thing I can think of is making her another bridesmaid, which I don't want to do. The party is already bigger than I wanted, I'm buying the dresses for the girls. And now I'll have a bridesmaid standing up holding a kid? Um no. I'm furious. The damage has already been done, and I don't know how to fix it. If it's not obvious, clearly I'm delighted that my father ad I are spending a ridiculous amount of money, so that my husband's family can have a celebration for a baby. If anybody managed to read all of this, some feedback would be extraordinarily helpful. What do we do with the sister? What do we do with this damn baby?   PLEASE HELP! Thank you!!!
    Posted by aacobs[/QUOTE]


    I agree with what the PP said...you need to have several conversations in your future.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited August 2010
    This is definitely a fiance problem, not a WP problem. The 2 of you need to be on the same page, and if you can't be, then there needs to be some serious consideration of whether you are ready to be married to each other. 

    On the topic of WP, sides do not have to be even. You pick your side and he picks his.

    Remember that WP members are those nearest and dearest to you, not props for your pictures. You take pictures to remember those people and how much they meant to you, you don'tput them in the WP just to make you look good in pictures. 

    I think your priorities are skewed and your FI is not supporting you in those decisions for some reason. I think it is because he doesn't agree with the decisions you are forcing him to make. Sit back and think about it from his perspective and talk to him about how all this undermining makes you feel. This behavior will not stop with just the wedding, and he is helping you burn bridges with people you will be related to the rest of your life. Not smart. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I hate it when they don't come back.
  • Just a question, why are nursing babies and exception?  I may not understand about babies, as I've only really spent time with my sisters twins but even when they were breast feeding she pumped some into a bottle so she could sometimes go out for a date with her husband, is that not normal?  Yeah she would only be gone like 4 hours at most, but you can go to a wedding in that time. 

    Again, I just don't know how it works, and wanted to know.  Sorry if I'm insulting anyone here. 
    image
  • I agree with the pp's. This is not a problem with your sil and her baby, but with your fiance not communicating with you. If Scott ever threw me under the bus like that we would have had a serious talk about going through with the wedding, because that is not being a supportive partner in a relationship.

    As far as the "you would think a baby never been born before". If it is the first child of the family then yes, a baby has never been born FOR THEM before. Babies are amazing and wonderful things, especially if someone had to try a while to get them and wanted them. Just because you don't want one doesn't mean the rest of the family can't be excited.

    It may be in the op, but when is your wedding? Was the sister in your WP to begin with or no? If not I would suggest keeping her as a guest. It will be far easier on her and her child to just be sitting in the audience then having to walk in front of people and stand with her child.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:d3dd2dd5-9c0e-4eaa-9b36-2b2757b42795">This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So.. I have no idea what to do. Looking for some advice.  I am in the beginning stages of wedding planning. I was really hoping to keep the bridal party really small (2-3 bridesmaids). My fiance decided he wants his dad to be his best man, his brother-in-law, and his sister's boyfriend to be groomsmen. He also decided for me that his younger sister WILL be a bridesmaid. Therefore, i insisted my younger brother WILL be a groomsmen.. so that's all fine and good. Moving on.. His older sister just had the first baby of the family.. and people are acting like a baby has never been born before. Originally, I wanted no kids at the wedding for a variety of reasons. As we were discussing this as an OPTION, my fiance took it upon himself to tell his older sister that I don't want kids at the wedding so her son can't come. Exactly how he phrased it... way to throw me under the bus. Of course she flipped out, the younger sister also lost it (bridesmaid) and informed me that no kids is not an option, saying "you upset her so much, there WILL be kids at your wedding."  In an effort to make things a little better, my fiance and I were trying to think of small ways to include sister and baby in the wedding. He suggests to me that his sister CARRY the baby down the isle to act as ring bearer. I did not like this idea. No ring bearers, No flower girls, Obviously kids are coming to the wedding now, but I don't want kids in the party. This is not a celebration for other people's kids. What does my fiance do, AGAIN? Hauls off and tells his sister she can carry her kid down the isle as ring bearer, again before the both of us have agreed on a decision. I think this is the tackiest, most ridiculous after-thought idea ever. The kid is too young to walk! What does she wear? How do we do pictures? Just... all things wrong in my opinion. The only thing I can think of is making her another bridesmaid, which I don't want to do. The party is already bigger than I wanted, I'm buying the dresses for the girls. And now I'll have a bridesmaid standing up holding a kid? Um no. I'm furious. The damage has already been done, and I don't know how to fix it. If it's not obvious, clearly I'm delighted that my father ad I are spending a ridiculous amount of money, so that my husband's family can have a celebration for a baby. If anybody managed to read all of this, some feedback would be extraordinarily helpful. What do we do with the sister? What do we do with this damn baby?   PLEASE HELP! Thank you!!!
    Posted by aacobs[/QUOTE]

    Buahahahahahahahah!! This.is.awesome.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:b9bb26d0-e4f1-45d2-8fb7-7beca74dea38">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just a question, why are nursing babies and exception?  I may not understand about babies, as I've only really spent time with my sisters twins but even when they were breast feeding she pumped some into a bottle so she could sometimes go out for a date with her husband, is that not normal?  Yeah she would only be gone like 4 hours at most, but you can go to a wedding in that time.  Again, I just don't know how it works, and wanted to know.  Sorry if I'm insulting anyone here. 
    Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

    Because not everyone pumps. It's a personal choice, and the majority of this board agrees that the choice should be given to the mother whether or not to be separated from her breastfeeding infant.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • As a side comment, she doesn't have to always hold her baby, the father could, their parents could.  If she is a bm she doesn't have to hold the baby while doing that.  Calm down and think about what your saying, you might not mean it.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:b9bb26d0-e4f1-45d2-8fb7-7beca74dea38">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just a question, why are nursing babies and exception?  I may not understand about babies, as I've only really spent time with my sisters twins but even when they were breast feeding she pumped some into a bottle so she could sometimes go out for a date with her husband, is that not normal?  Yeah she would only be gone like 4 hours at most, but you can go to a wedding in that time.  Again, I just don't know how it works, and wanted to know.  Sorry if I'm insulting anyone here. 
    Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

    I think it's because most weddings do not take a 4 hour period of time, and it's also hard for new parents to find trustworthy childcare for newborns. The mom definitely wouldn't want to stop and have to pump in the middle of the reception lol.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:1a4a9252-fdb6-43e5-8b3d-2af8fe56b324">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]As a side comment, she doesn't have to always hold her baby, the father could, their parents could.  If she is a bm she doesn't have to hold the baby while doing that.  Calm down and think about what your saying, you might not mean it.
    Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. There's no reason she couldn't pass the baby to the father or a grandparent. The people who introduced me and DH got married and we went to their wedding. Their 5mo old son was "ring bearer." His aunt (groom's sister) carried him down the aisle and handed him to his grandparents then made her way to the front with the bridal party. Clearly, I didn't even think it was weird, because I just realized I've seen such a thing before just now.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • Thanks for the answers on the baby thing, I didn't know not everyone pumps, my sister implied it was something you needed to do so that you could produce enough milk for the babies.  Now that I say that it sounds very odd, but maybe it was something about her medically, or having to do with twins. 
    image
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    I couldn't marry a guy that "threw me under the bus" with his family on a regular basis. Because I'm smart enough to know that it would only get a million times worse after we were married and had kids. If you two don't get your obvious communication issues worked out now, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. That's not a shot at you, that's just how it is for everybody: married couples need proper communication skils in order to have a happy and healthy relationship.

    You're getting married, you're supposed to be a team, not "Ok, well, I'm going to agree with you to shut you up, and then I'm going to go contradict you behind your back to shut my family up". That's completely disrespectful and spineless, and the fact that he's done this more than once is a way bigger problem than how "tacky" you think somebody carrying a baby down the aisle looks.


    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • OP-Your FI is undermining what you're trying to communicate to his family.  This is a problem.  You need to get on the same page and learn how to communicate and compromise.

    KatyRose-in addition to Moms choosing whether or not to pump, alot of new moms find pumping very difficult.  Frequently there is very little milk after a lot of pumping, which then leaves the breasts engorged and leaky.  The younger the infant, the harder it is.  Feeding a baby usually takes less then 20 minutes (often way less), and is easier than pumping.

  • I agree with kimmieniesink, 100%
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:6644ded6-e51c-4c00-859b-b9951d09e405">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I couldn't marry a guy that "threw me under the bus" with his family on a regular basis. Because I'm smart enough to know that it would only get a million times worse after we were married and had kids. If you two don't get your obvious communication issues worked out now, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. That's not a shot at you, that's just how it is for everybody: married couples need proper communication skils in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. You're getting married, you're supposed to be a team, not "Ok, well, I'm going to agree with you to shut you up, and then I'm going to go contradict you behind your back to shut my family up". That's completely disrespectful and spineless, and the fact that he's done this more than once is a way bigger problem than how "tacky" you think somebody carrying a baby down the aisle looks.
    Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

    Ditto all of this 100%
    imageimage
  • ok yea- I agree with people here- the issue isnt the bridal party or even the baby- the issue seems to be you and FI. Clearly you two are on completely different pages.. and no offense- but the fact that he doesnt seem to give a damn about your feelings or even respect you is a concern. If he cared about your opinion or had any respect for his future wife- he wouldnt be making her look like a b*tch to his family. You two have some major issues...

    Now With Pro Pics&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbspOur Wedding Highlights!&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    my book shelf:
    Steph N's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (currently-reading shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:c412fa20-5588-4e0e-9329-0f3ee9607eeb">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I think you and your FI need to be more on the same page about this wedding. I also think you sound very jealous of the attention this new baby is getting.</strong> 
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
    <p> </p><p>This.</p>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-long-one-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:15e80456-777a-4446-aa0d-e2ebb0ca9020Post:6644ded6-e51c-4c00-859b-b9951d09e405">Re: This is a long one.... I need help!!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I couldn't marry a guy that "threw me under the bus" with his family on a regular basis.<strong> Because I'm smart enough to know that it would only get a million times worse after we were married and had kids. If you two don't get your obvious communication issues worked out now, your marriage doesn't stand a chance</strong>. That's not a shot at you, that's just how it is for everybody: married couples need proper communication skils in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. You're getting married, you're supposed to be a team, not "Ok, well, I'm going to agree with you to shut you up, and then I'm going to go contradict you behind your back to shut my family up". That's completely disrespectful and spineless, and the fact that he's done this more than once is a way bigger problem than how "tacky" you think somebody carrying a baby down the aisle looks.
    Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

    Wedding planning was easy peasy compared to buying a house when it came to family drama. I finally understood how crazy people can get and how opinionated they are, especially if you don't chose their idea. I can't tell you how many times I've used the "We'll take that into consideration" line since buying the house when it comes to decorating ideas.

    Kids are an even more fun ball game. Breastfeeding vs formula, cosleeping, working vs staying at home, everything suddenly because a huge deal and everyone thinks they know the right way.

    Learn to communicate and be a team now, because it doesn't get any easier.
  • I think there needs to be some compromise here. That said, I think I would be pretty annoyed if i said I didn't want kids at my wedding and another SIL said, "Well, now there WILL be kids at your wedding."  Your FI should be mediating here and if you both agree no kids, then you should be agreed.  You need to have an adult conversation with him. 

    I also think there's some jealousy bubbling up here.  I mean, you want this family to be happy when you have kids, right?
    White Knot Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Communication is the key.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards