Insulting or no?

Nebb

So a bit of back story, my IL's never say no to anything they really should and are constantly being taken advantage of by my B/SIL and other people in their lives (financially, time wise, etc). They just never say NO and it baffles us because its so clear they are being taken advantage of. They will complain after the fact, but always say yes at the time.

Do you think it would be insulting if we got them a book like How to say no without feeling guilty or The book of No, or something like that? Is that a horrible idea??

Anysunrise

Would they say it's insulting, even if it was?

ricksang

Hmmm maybe you could get them a book like that and say you bought one for yourself and thought it was interesting and that they might like it?

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:ba01427b-4e5b-4dbf-a534-2d3201b950e5">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Would they say it's insulting, even if it was?
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]
Hah, good point. I also have to wonder if they would even read it...

JenGin74

Are you close enough with them that they wouldn't be shocked to receive something like that from you? I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but I think you should also get them something fun to go along with the book

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:eaf16ec2-2e3e-4bf5-8ec2-63889ad702f0">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you close enough with them that they wouldn't be shocked to receive something like that from you? I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but I think you should also get them something fun to go along with the book
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]
Oh that wouldnt be the only gift. Im not that stingy :)

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:e78f312d-b557-48dd-b28a-0bca9f91e286">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you think they would be open to it, go for it.  I would probably talk to them about it to explain why you got it.  At dinner one night you guys can say "we were thinking about the last time XYZ happened and you were really upset.  I saw this book in the bookstore and thought it could be helpful because ABC."
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]


This sounds really good

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:e78f312d-b557-48dd-b28a-0bca9f91e286">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you think they would be open to it, go for it.  I would probably talk to them about it to explain why you got it.  At dinner one night you guys can say "we were thinking about the last time XYZ happened and you were really upset.  I saw this book in the bookstore and thought it could be helpful because ABC."
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

I like this. And not just because she has Buffy in her sig. The good Buffy too.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:d45278a1-c1f9-422f-81d2-ed09f25f91c9">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno Nebb.  Being that I'm probably your in-laws age, I don't know how I'd feel about it.  My son tends to be able to twist me around his little finger but there's some huge guilt issues on my part so I know that's the reason.  Others (like my new H) just want to throw up their hands, but I can't get over some of the past and therefore my son uses it to manipulate.  And yeh, been to therapy over this.  <sigh />  Actually, I have an xBiL who was outrageously manipulative with his parents and siblings.  I wanted to tear my hair out over some of the shiit he got away with, but family is family as they say, and he was forgiven every time.  So even if you give a book, it might just be a moot point.
Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]
Thats what im worried about. We have spoken with them in the past about it, and they shrugged it off like its not an issue. It just sucks to watch it happen to them over and over again.

ricksang

You will have a PM in a min.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:113098b6-82a7-4edc-881c-514a5c6aee62">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]You will have a PM in a min.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]
Backatcha

BecW2be

I'd love to tell you this will be greatly appreciated and they'll read it and it will work and they'll never be taken for fools again, but we're closer to Halloween than April Fool's Day.

My mother sounds exactly like your ILs. She's wasted her entire life and any money she may have had on a useless group of people who take her for everything she has, and then steals what she's unable to give. They'll have to die for her to stop giving every single thing she has to them. I've tried to talk to her about it, and tried to make her realize these people will never change, never improve, and every single time they guilt her back into giving whatever it is they want. She won't change. So every day I curse those people and wish them death, because that probably does more than trying to change my mother.

Marrin713

I know it sucks Nebb as I watched it my entire married life with xH.  And my in-laws were such good people.  But I did learn after a while not to get too involved because:  a) nothing changed and b) it made for hard feelings.  Yes, they could bitch all they wanted about this xBiL, but no one else was allowed to say anything about him or the situation.  It really was tough to watch, so I feel ya.

ricksang

Maybe you could search for a book that is subtle?

PM back to you.

Nebb

We just found out that my FIL has started babysitting for friends of my SIL - he has the kids from 7am until 7pm and is paid, get this... roughly 1.50 an hour for his services. He is pissed but wont say anything or put a stop to it. I just want to hit him over the head and say wtf!

ohwhynot

I don't know, to be honest.  I think almost any kind of self-help book, given as a gift, can be taken as an insult. 

But if you jsut happened to buy the book, you know, for yourself, and then loaned it to them afterwards, because it helped you so much, it may be easier for them to take. 

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:688ccd44-8ec1-49c8-a927-2be4495200ba">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]We just found out that my FIL has started babysitting for friends of my SIL - he has the kids from 7am until 7pm and is paid, get this... roughly 1.50 an hour for his services. He is pissed but wont say anything or put a stop to it. I just want to hit him over the head and say wtf!
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

That's pretty messed up. I don't know if I'd be able to stand by while that was going on. I have a mouth with a mind of it's own sometimes.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_insulting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:19f81021-9b50-499b-a7f8-b1f2fbae4e0cPost:a142ad6d-cb92-4932-8e23-9c484242d1fa">Re: Insulting or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Insulting or no? : That's pretty messed up. I don't know if I'd be able to stand by while that was going on. I have a mouth with a mind of it's own sometimes.
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]
The last time I spoke up about things going on, I spent a year of them talking shiit about me, so I stay out of it for the most part but its hard. Adam has asked his mom WTF but his mom feels the same way about that situation - its his dad problem.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't think it sounds like you guys have the kind of relationship where this would go over well. If you could joke about it, and your H could say, "Haha, since you can NEVER say no to BIL and SIL we thought this would help!" then it might be fine. But if they don't joke about most things, I think it would be insulting. It's hard, but if they complain about it (lke the babysitting gig) just tell them you don't want to hear it.

lilianne22

It sounds like your IL's know that the B/SIL take advantage of them but choose not to deal with it.  If you've talked to them about it before and they just shrugged it off it sounds like they don't want to deal with it or are uncomfortable discussing the situation.  I don't think the book would be a good idea, just because it could cause issues in your relationship with them.  As much as you'd like to help your IL's you can't until they are ready to change things for themselves.

If you do go the book route, I like the idea of saying you bought it for yourself and found it really helpful and ask if they'd like to borrow it.