Snarky Brides
Options

S/O of Mara's vent, kind of.

So, this is more a spin off of Rayne's parental money issue.  Warning: This got long.

Last August, my dad called me the day before he was going out of town, panicked because the bank messed up his automatic deposit on the mortgage and charged it twice.  So, he was not only out money for other bills, he was also leaving the next day and had no money for the trip.  I lent him $4500.

It has now been well over a year.  I haven't seen any of that money.  At the time, I was on his car insurance and was paying him monthly payments.  After I lent him the money, I stopped paying him (his idea) but a few months later it got too expensive for him and he kicked me (and my brother) off of his insurance.  So through that deal he's maybe paid me back $300.

Here's where it gets complicated: he has severe PTSD.  The two bigs things I have to deal with in this situation are his lack of ability to control his spending (he honestly doesn't understand the hole he is digging) and his mood swings.  If I remind him he owes me this money, he will be very hurt, defensive, etc.  He will take it out on me, probably my mother, maybe Scott, who knows.  And there's no promise after the days weeks or months it takes him to calm down that he will even pay me back.

So what do I do?  Ask him if he's saving?  How should I word it if I confront him?  Ask the more reasonable parent to help me get it into his head that he should be saving?  I don't really want to get my mom involved, and I'm worried she will try to just pay me back herself.  Should I accept that at this point they need the money more than I do and try to let it go?

I don't want to stress my mom out or trigger depression/anxiety in my dad.  I feel like I'm at a loss here and I should probably just let it go, but with the wedding and tuition and student loans, thing will get tight.  At this point, I am still holding it against him and I don't like feeling this resentment towards my dad.

Re: S/O of Mara's vent, kind of.

  • Options
    Yes, they are still together.  I've been trying to avoid involving her because he will take it out on her, storm around the house for a week and make living there miserable because he won't want to confront me.  He's fun.

    We can live without it.  But if I end up going on to grad school it will probably mean more in student loans or not being able to move to a nice area because we have that extra $4500 missing that would help, you know?  I'm honestly more worried about resenting him three years from now when I want to take a vacation or something. 
  • Options
    I also think part of it is I am a planner and I NEED to have my emergency fund.  It's driving me nuts not to have that extra money to pad that.
  • Options
    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2010
    I have a sinking suspicion the bank didn't make an error. I mean, you said he has difficulty controlling his spending... this is a rough one, for reals.

    Yeah, he's going to be hurt and defensive, but, like, he owes you the money. I understand your fear that he'll take it out on your mom and Scott, but is there any way they can back you up?
    I don't know your parents' marital situation, but if his mortage went wonky, isn't this also her issue? No idea on that, though, because I don't know your parents' situation.

    One thing you should know, you won't be the trigger. The realization of his overspending will be. You're the victim in this, not him.


    ETA: you mentioned your parents marital status. Hun, I totally get that you don't want him to take it out on your mom, but, like, by her not backing you up, then she is only helping his debt and you're the one who out the money.

    And you kind of insinuated that confronting him isn't really going to help, anyway. So, if you dont' want to talk to him, then I guess all you can do is wait and hope he comes through with the money lol.
    image
  • Options
    SF, I believe him about the bank.  He is more honest with me about his money than he is with my mom, I think because he doesn't expect me to "nag" him. 

    I'm positive my mom would back me up and I would encourage Scott to just ignore the whole situation honestly.  The thing is, I know my mom deals with his issues on a daily basis.  I don't want to throw one more thing on her plate. 

    Also, he pays the mortgage while she takes care of other bills.  So it does affect her but not as directly as it would affect him.
  • Options
    I totally understand on the comfort that an emergency fund provides. We drained our savings between the house and J having surgery 2 months after the wedding and being out of work. It puts a knot in the pit of my stomach knowing we don't have our account where we would like it, but we are working on it. I would maybe casually mention it to your mom. Are you able to talk to your mom without her getting bent out of shape about it? (I ask because I have no idea what type of relationship you have with your mom, KWIM?)

    It is true that pit bulls grab and hold on. But what they most
    often grab and refuse to let go of is your heart

    imageimage
  • Options
    MilkDuds, I told her before I gave him the money.  I wanted her to know, but he was not too happy about it because he didn't want her to nag him.  Him over reacting to questions like "did you get the mail today?" (ie nagging.) are also part of the mood swings/PTSD.
  • Options
    Chi, my mom is pretty much my best friend forevarrr.  But I think that's where the guilt of talking to her thus stressing her out is coming from. 

    Blaaargh I think I just talked myself into letting it go.  I'm going to bring it up to my mom sometime soon, and if nothing comes of it, I'll try to drop it.  Good plan?
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_of-maras-vent-kind-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1b0e6dca-02d2-4cf4-a5f8-34ff9ff3d6c4Post:a1bd1913-7d2d-4afa-a318-4f699ce8687f">Re: S/O of Mara's vent, kind of.</a>:
    [QUOTE]SF, I believe him about the bank.  He is more honest with me about his money than he is with my mom, I think because he doesn't expect me to "nag" him.  I'm positive my mom would back me up and I would encourage Scott to just ignore the whole situation honestly.  The thing is, I know my mom deals with his issues on a daily basis.  I don't want to throw one more thing on her plate.  Also, he pays the mortgage while she takes care of other bills.  So it does affect her but not as directly as it would affect him.
    Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]
    I totally get that you don't want to throw anything onto her plate, but, like, she IS your mom and his wife... if anyone should intervene it should be her.
    And I am really do understand your concerns, your parents sound like my boyfriend's parents... his dad tends to lash out and his mother just let's it happen. It's a really bad situation. I think that's why I want to help you so badly, because I know I can't help him. :\

    Have you considered the direct approach? Just walking right up to him and saying, "Dad, I need you to pay me back by X month in order to not fall behind on my own bills."
    I know you aren't hard up for the cash, but do you really want to risk not having that emergency fund?
    image
  • Options
    He actually hasn't asked for money since, but I think that's because the VA has upped his benefits.  My mom has, but she has never not paid me back within 2 weeks.
  • Options
    I am the same way with my mom, so I know exactly what you mean.

     I think your plan sounds good. Mention it and if nothing comes of it, take it as a lesson learned. I hate that you're having to choose between causing friction between you and your family and your own personal comfort.

    It is true that pit bulls grab and hold on. But what they most
    often grab and refuse to let go of is your heart

    imageimage
  • Options
    FI's parents owe him 25K. It makes me stabby. He is delusional thinking he is gonna get it back. I make it a rule not to loan out money. If friends or family need it Ill give it to them but as long as I don't expect it back there is no hard feelings. And if I do get it back then its a bonus. If you find yourself really needing it I would ask your mom.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • Options
    I'd say something to your mom. $4500 is a lot different than lending someone $20, especially if it leaves you without a cushion.
    imageimage
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards