How much do you give?

[Deleted User]

I'm having an issue with work-related events. Yesterday we got an email about a secret baby shower for a guy on my team, complete with registry info. Today, we get an email about a bridal shower of sorts for a supervisor, with donations requested for a basket. A week ago, another supervisor's grandmother died and someone walked around collecting funds for a basket and card. Just before that, a joint baby shower, gift card for someone whose grandfather passed, and basket for another girl's wedding.

If you don't give anything or attend, you get the serious side-eye from people and snide remarks. So here's my issue (and I know this sounds all "poor me" but I can't help it)--all these people hosting the events or being celebrated, not one of them even bothered to even say congrats on my wedding in April. IN fact, I got crap about taking time off for the HM. When my great-grandparents died a couple months ago, the sup having the bridal shower told me I just needed to work it off because I couldn't take time off. The guy having the baby shower recently said "maybe if you didn't work so hard, you'd be more like the rest of the team" (we work on production/commision and I'm the highest producer).

I hate giving to people who disrespect me, and being expected to shell out money every other week. I can't afford it, but I also can't afford NOT to because if you don't, you suddenly are the bitch who doesn't care about anyone. I don't want people here to hate me.

WWYD? Would you just keep on giving money for baskets and whatnot, or would you say enough is enough and just be the antisocial bitch?

Starmusica

wait wait... they did all this for everyone else and nothing when you got married? thats just cold... I am inclined to say screw em all.. however you still need to work there. Sometimes its worth just playing nice... even though it sucks. they sound like jerks.

GreenPepperBurger

I'd say eff them. I don't respect people who disrespect me.

crys-crys

Honestly, I think I would be ok being known as the bitch. If someone calls me on it, I would point out the ways I haven't recieved support when I needed it. In addition, all that money adds up. Save it and buy YOURSELF something nice instead.

gottahavashorti

I would say sorry, I don't carry cash anymore since they take debit everywhere now and haven't gotten a chance to go to the ATM.

stephl3055

Can you tell them that you already have something in mind and you will get it on your own?  Then just get a card?  Or you don't have cash.  I don't most of the time, honestly.

I hate that crap.  My work bans all stuff like that.  Like I didn't have a wedding shower or anything because we aren't allowed to solicit each other for money/gifts for showers or parties.  People can't advertise their kids are selling Girl Scout cookies either. 

[Deleted User]

I work in a small dept where that is luckily not an issue. I've never been a fan of the whole collecting money for coworkers thing. I think it makes people feel pressure to give when they otherwise wouldn't.

Matt's dept does shiit like this all the time and it drives him nuts. I think he gives something like $3-$5 each time. Just enough to keep them from being total diicks.

If it were me, I would continue to give, but it would be in very small amounts. That really sucks that they didn't acknowledge your wedding. I know that's not a good feeling.

K Byte

Your coworkers sound like asshats I probably wouldn't give anything either. We had stuff like this all the time at my old job, someone would collect money for someone else's baby or wedding shower and I'd only give money for the people I liked because the donations were semi-anonymous anyway.

DodgersBride

I would say eff them. I wouldn't want to contribute to something for someone who is disrespectful. I know it's better to give then to receive but I'd be pissed if they go all out for other ppl and didn't even do the slightest thing when I got married or had a birthday or a death in the family like they do for other co-workers.

loop0406

My former job was like that, there were even donations requested for bdays, xmas (extra cash) for the custodian in our building....I always gave a few dollars here and there and when I left, I did receive an envelope with cash and farewell card. So I think eventually, it does come back your way. So I suggest to keep on donating, even if just a few dollars and one day hopefully, your turn will come. You never know if they will throw you a b shower at work or all chip in for w gift.

jasmineh7777

Next time they ask, I would say, "I'll contribute as much as you all contributed for me" and then walk away.
But, I'm also cool with being the office biitch.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Wow.  I mean - I totally get what you're saying.  There's always someone getting married, someone having a kid, or someone dying - and it can be really, really difficult to give and give and give of yourself all the time.  But it just seems like the nice thing to do, ya know?

I kinda like what GPB said - eff them if they want your respect but don't respect you in return.  But I also kinda think - is that the best way to be?  Even though they didn't say crap about your wedding, even as much as a simple congrats - I almost think it's the better thing to do to send a card or a small gift.  It just makes you out to be the better person. 

It gets said around TK all the time that things aren't tit for tat - just because someone didn't come to your wedding doesn't mean you should blow off their baby shower or not wish someone well after their loved one dies.  The fact that they didn't bother to acknowledge your nuptuals makes them look like jerks - but don't be a jerk back to them.  That just makes more jerks.

K Byte

I wouldn't be a jerk back, but I would just not contribute and stay out of it as much as possible. Just divorce yourself from the entire situation. Or do what cew mentioned and give like $3 or $5 just so they'll leave you alone about it.

[Deleted User]

OK, I feel better now. I felt like I was being all whiny but seriously, I cann barely afford groceries, let alone a gift for people who probably don't even know my last name!

Steph-my wedding was this past April, so I can't use that as an excuse. We're trying to save for a house, so that would definitely work.

k-byte--our 'donations' are anonymous to an extent. The bosses always know who gave and who didn't, although the person the party is thrown for probably wouldn't.

I could do a few bucks. If they don't like it, fvck 'em.

allisong23

Who gives a gift card when someone dies? That is just insane! Since when is death a time for gifts?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:fcdc399e-d322-4a72-a94e-0854b209a47f">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]Who gives a gift card when someone dies? That is just insane! Since when is death a time for gifts?
Posted by allisong23[/QUOTE]


People usually send sympathy cards or cash when someone dies - at least they do where I'm from.  The cards let the family know that they're being thought of, and the cash can help with funeral expenses.

When my grandfather passed my grandma got at least 350 cards.  She also got A TON of food.

ETA - flowers are good to send too!

bheartsb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:5ba16634-62a7-4302-9ff7-bbcc76f58da8">How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong><u>all these people hosting the events or being celebrated, not one of them even bothered to even say congrats on my wedding in April</u></strong>.

That's f*cking RUDE!  No 2 ways about it.  So I say...do unto others as they have done to you.  I was in the same situation, always shelling out cash and then when it came to me, and I didn't get anything (let alone someone even ACKNOWLEDGING an event) I stopped giving, and stated exactly why.  Moving forward, I only supported those who had supported me, people got the message.

<strong><u>maybe if you didn't work so hard, you'd be more like the rest of the team" (we work on production/commision and I'm the highest producer)</u></strong>.

Maybe if he wasn't such a penis...you would associate with him!?!  WTF is that comment all about?  Tell him not to hate the player...hate the game.  I love to hear when women do really well and succeed!!!  Good for you! don't let some @sshole make you feel bad about that.  Not for nuthin'...I'm sure you have enough friends that you don't need this penis-wrinkle to be one of them!


<strong><u>just be the antisocial bitch?</u></strong>

maybe not totally antisocial, I'm sure there are people in your office you like, so just support them when these collections are taken up, and use an excuse like "I don't have $$$ on me right now" when there's a collection plate going around for the others.

Princesaambar7

I like how my school handles this. We have a recognition team that has their own fund. If you want, you contribute $20 at the beginning of the school year and the team takes care of cards and gifts for special events and signs them from the faculty. This way you only get hit up once and no one is required to put money in.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:3bb73be7-2efe-4f82-956a-f2566afddf0e">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]It gets said around TK all the time that things aren't tit for tat - just because someone didn't come to your wedding doesn't mean you should blow off their baby shower or not wish someone well after their loved one dies.  The fact that they didn't bother to acknowledge your nuptuals makes them look like jerks - but don't be a jerk back to them.  That just makes more jerks.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, and certainly am not expecting recogntion every time soemthing in my life happens.

The biggest thing is that there are so many parties that I can't afford to keep buying stuff for all of them. I can get over the wedding thing, but being told my great-grandparents don't count as close family really upsets me (they wouldn't let me take time off for the funeral because it wasn't immediately family) and I guess I'm still holding a grudge.

mrscarter052011

Wow, I'm glad that I work with all men.  There's none of this group gifting crap.  (Although when I got engaged they did buy me lunch to celebrate)

I agree with the PP's and would say that if it's someone you're close with or would give a gift to then either contribute or buy your own  gift.  If not, then screw them.  Peer pressure is not a reason to give a gift.  When the guys here starting having families I got presents for the babies not because we did a group thing but because I like them and wanted to get them something.  I don't see the point in having to contribute to a gift because everyone else does. 

allisong23

I can understand getting a sympathy card, but OP said a gift card, which is something different. If the office is taking up a collection for a $3 sympathy card, they are ridiculous.

[Deleted User]

Yeah. I think you just have to ask yourself "is it worth it?". You are the one that has to be around these people for 8 hours a day. If you feel that strongly about it and don't care about the social aspect, then go for it.

It wouldn't be worth it to me.

Nebb

I would probably do what cew said matt does, only contribute 3-5$ and call it a day. IF anyone ever says anything quietly point out that you dont have a lot of expendable money but you still want to contribute something.

npasquale16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:e1772908-476e-4478-b535-5d6a7d0db9ce">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]I like how my school handles this. We have a recognition team that has their own fund. If you want, you contribute $20 at the beginning of the school year and the team takes care of cards and gifts for special events and signs them from the faculty. This way you only get hit up once and no one is required to put money in.
Posted by Princesaambar7[/QUOTE]

My school does the same.  Unfortunately, the committee ran out of money and was constantly hitting people up for more.  Eventually, I politley said that I simply can't afford to keep contributing after the initial $20.  If I'm friends with the person, I'll get a small gift for them on the side.  I don't think there's anything wrong with not contributing.  I get that we all have to work together, but we are colleagues, not friends.  Professionalism does not require a card and a pat on thehead every time something good happens.

Since they fvcked you over, I'd just pretend I never had cash on me.  That would stop them pretty quickly. But, like PPs said, I'm not really upset about being the bitch.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:80e072e3-0275-4762-ad52-244d28a29e2e">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : I agree with this, and certainly am not expecting recogntion every time soemthing in my life happens. The biggest thing is that there are so many parties that I can't afford to keep buying stuff for all of them. I can get over the wedding thing, but being told my great-grandparents don't count as close family really upsets me (they wouldn't let me take time off for the funeral because it wasn't immediately family) and I guess I'm still holding a grudge.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

That's just cruel to me.  How are great-grandparents not immediate family?  They are like - the entire reason your whole family exists to begin with!  If that's how my office treated me when my grandfather passed I would probably hold a grudge too.  When someone loses a family member it's just not acceptable to me to look them in the face and tell them that this isn't important enough to have time off.

merivale87

This sort of thing happened all the time at my old job. On my first day there, they asked me to donate money for a baby gift for the girl I was replacing who was going on mat leave. I gave $5 because I hadn't even MET her yet, and I got the side-eye. A few months later, another girl went on mat leave and they asked me for money. This time, because she was a good friend, I gave $10 and AGAIN got the side-eye. After a little over a year there, I left for a good job opportunity in another city. All I got was a t-shirt and water bottle with the company logo on it from the back of a closet. I felt so ripped off.

Also, they always collected money for peoples relatives who passed to send flowers, and when my grandpa (who I had lived with for many years as a teenager) died they didn't do a damn thing except give me a stern talking to about crying at my desk because they wouldn't give me time off and I had to be there the day before and the day after the funeral (which was 3 hours away).

I'd say just don't contribute anymore, or only give $1 or something. I hate that they didn't even do anything for you for your own wedding. They sound like huge assholes. Next time they ask, tell them that you gave so and so your money already, and don't give anything!

[Deleted User]

Yeah, cew, that's my point of view too. I don't care about being everyone's best friend, but I do want to get along with them since I see them for 10 hours every day. And I really like my job, just not being expected to pay for everyone's "special days."

I guess I'l just do a few dollars and call it even. I never carry cash, so they are going to get a bag of change. Plus my little brother is having his college going away party soon and I'd much rather get him a kick-ass gift that someone in the office.

And AATB---yeah that one makes me angy whenever I think about it. I try to see it from their point of view but I still think it was ridiculous.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:782f1516-51f5-4946-b4b4-c462133d05ec">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : That's just cruel to me.  How are great-grandparents not immediate family?  They are like - the entire reason your whole family exists to begin with!  If that's how my office treated me when my grandfather passed I would probably hold a grudge too.  When someone loses a family member it's just not acceptable to me to look them in the face and tell them that this isn't important enough to have time off.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I see where you are coming from, but depending on the size of the company, it's likely that they have a bereavement policy. It's unfortunate, but companies have to follow their policies to avoid unfair treatment. It's one of those things that sucks, but you have to have rules and guidelines to protect employees from inconsistent treatment.

I recently had to tell an employee that he couldn't use bereavement time for the death of his aunt. It broke my heart, but if I allowed him to do it, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on when the next person wanted to take time away for a second or third cousin. He was allowed to take time off, but he couldn't use bereavement time. Again, it sucks, but guidelines have to be established and followed.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_much-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:232272f4-c5b5-4da5-a7ae-0e9a3efafd5dPost:dd73bd53-1ba4-4ac5-a26e-2ce4b7d15041">Re: How much do you give?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : I see where you are coming from, but depending on the size of the company, it's likely that they have a bereavement policy. It's unfortunate, but companies have to follow their policies to avoid unfair treatment. It's one of those things that sucks, but you have to have rules and guidelines to protect employees from inconsistent treatment. I recently had to tell an employee that he couldn't use bereavement time for the death of his aunt. It broke my heart, but if I allowed him to do it, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on when the next person wanted to take time away for a second or third cousin. He was allowed to take time off, but he couldn't use bereavement time. Again, it sucks, but guidelines have to be established and followed.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Yeah - I understand that too.

It just sucks.  :(

skippylouwho

My standard donation was $10 but with my husband out of work I do $5. We have a list with everyone's name on it. The card and list is passed from name to name, check your name off and hand it on. People do not know whether you put money in or not - because we don't list who put what it - the only thing is if you're the first person and pass it on empty then until someone actually puts money in the envelope it's pretty obvious.

When someone dies we take a collection and usually send food to the house, the company will send either flowers or a donation to the deceased's favorite charity, depending on what the family prefers.  Something else that is usually very useful at a time like this - paper products for the house hold that will host most of the family etc.  They usually gather somewhere either for a formal or informal "wake" so paper plates, plastic cups, napkins are all really useful. Odd but useful and usually appreciated.

[Deleted User]

Wow, merivale, that's terrible. I'd have some serious hate for a boss who told me to stop crying at my desk.

And cew, I totally see where you're coming from with the policy. I think the reason why it upsets me so much was the delivery. If the boss had just said, sorry for your loss but this is the policy I could have dealt with it. But she was completely callous and told me to just get back to work because it wasn't possible. have a heart, woman.