So, what would you do?

jlw1492

I'll will try to make this as short and painless as possible.  FI used to be BFF with this girl for several years before I even met him.  When we started dating, I wasn't overly fond of her, but I kept my mouth shut.  We hung out with her pretty often and I got over my initial feelings.  When we got engaged, she got kind of jealous, but not in a "I want him and you have him" kind of way, it was more of a I was taking up all of his time and she was used to him being at her beck and call.  She really was a snot about it, but me and my not so nice mouth didn't help the situation.

They stopped talking and that lasted a little over a year.  About a month ago, she requested him on FB and he mentioned it to me.  I told him to do whatever made him happy because I wasn't going to choose his friends.  She sent me a message saying that she really missed him and she didn't send him the request to start drama... she just wanted to try to reconnect with someone who was like a brother to her. 

I overheard FI tell a friend that he wanted to invite ex-bff to the wedding, but he didn't want to say anything to me for fear that I would be upset.  Should I say something to him?  Should I invite her myself?  Should I ignore the whole situation?

deepcovejackie

Talk to FI and tell him what you overheard.  Why is he so worried about upsetting you?  You said something about "me and my not so nice mouth".  What did you say?  Theres a backstory here...

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:f820e21d-9e4d-487f-ae3b-1d909781d0f1">So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll will try to make this as short and painless as possible.  FI used to be BFF with this girl for several years before I even met him.  When we started dating, I wasn't overly fond of her, but I kept my mouth shut.  We hung out with her pretty often and I got over my initial feelings.  When we got engaged, she got kind of jealous, but not in a "I want him and you have him" kind of way, it was more of a I was taking up all of his time and she was used to him being at her beck and call.  She really was a snot about it, but me and my not so nice mouth didn't help the situation. They stopped talking and that lasted a little over a year.  About a month ago, she requested him on FB and he mentioned it to me.  I told him to do whatever made him happy because I wasn't going to choose his friends.  She sent me a message saying that she really missed him and she didn't send him the request to start drama... she just wanted to try to reconnect with someone who was like a brother to her.  I overheard FI tell a friend that he wanted to invite ex-bff to the wedding, but he didn't want to say anything to me for fear that I would be upset.  Should I say something to him?  Should I invite her myself?  Should I ignore the whole situation?
Posted by jlw1492[/QUOTE]

I would definitely talk to him about it.

Tell him what you overheard, discuss it with him and try to get across to him that you don't ever want him to be afraid to tell you things because he fears your reaction.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:19802ca8-68e3-4328-a6e8-1bd763b31d55">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to FI and tell him what you overheard.  Why is he so worried about upsetting you? <strong> You said something about "me and my not so nice mouth".  What did you say?  Theres a backstory here...</strong>
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]


Agreed. OP, do tell

vegasgroom

I'd probably ignore it unless he brings it up; if you approach him about it he might think you were snooping and don't trust him instead of having just overheard it.

PharmacyBride

I say be the bigger person.  Since she doesn't want anything to do with him romantically.. I say you have nothing to lose but a lot to gain.

I have a lot of respect for girls who encourage their men to maintain his friendships (because usually girls are the exact opposite of that).

I recommend offering to your FI to invite her to the wedding, but you don't have to let him know you overheard the convo.  Make it sound like your idea : )

jlw1492

I confronted her when she started talking shiit to mutual friends about our engagement.  I told her something along the lines of if she had a problem, there was no need to be petty and that she should come to me about it.  It got pretty heated, I said some nasty things (definitely not one of my shining moments).  That was really it. 

I tried to talk to FI about it, without actually telling him I overheard the conversation.  Really, I'm over the whole situation.  It was petty and immature on both our parts.   I just think that he's afraid that I'm not actually over it. 

JenGin74

I disagree with Vegas and PB. He needs to know that you overheard it and you need to talk to him about it.

He needs to feel comfortable telling you things, regardless of your reaction. I would always wonder what else he's hiding / not saying, you know?

jlw1492

Also, I know they were really close at one point.  I feel really bad that they lost that.  I know I would be upset if my best friend couldn't be at our wedding.  I would like him to have the same.

jlw1492

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:3747e6b8-e105-480f-9544-ac3e8a3bf613">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with Vegas and PB. He needs to know that you overheard it and you need to talk to him about it. He needs to feel comfortable telling you things, regardless of your reaction. I would always wonder what else he's hiding / not saying, you know?
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]


I get what you are saying, but this is the only issue that he hasn't talked to me about, simply because I expressed really strong feelings about her and the situation in the first place.  I think I am definitely going to tell him that I overheard, because you're right, I want him to feel comfortable talking to me.

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:3747e6b8-e105-480f-9544-ac3e8a3bf613">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with Vegas and PB. He needs to know that you overheard it and you need to talk to him about it. He needs to feel comfortable telling you things, regardless of your reaction. I would always wonder what else he's hiding / not saying, you know?
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

This.

And you sound like you want to be the bigger person here, so start the conversation like that: "hey,I was thinking since you told me about the FB invite that I think we should start fresh and I overheard you tell X that you want to invite her to the wedding, and I think it's a great idea".

Maybe even reach out to her yourself. Apologize and encourage a new start. 

deepcovejackie

OK, well sounds like you've learned from past experience that what you did was not a shining moment.  Now is the time to take the high road, talk with FI about it, and invite her to the wedding.  I think that's what you're wanting to do anyway, and good for you.

SarahPLiz

So maybe you should just mention to him that you need her address for an invitation. You recognize that they were close friends and if he wants to invite her, she is welcome.

That would be the grownup thing to do IMHO. 

jlw1492

I considered contacting her on my own, but I didn't want to step on toes.  Perhaps I will discuss this with him at dinner tonight.  I just want to make sure 20 years from now he doesn't regret not having her at the wedding.  Thank you, everyone!!

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:3ad99f12-3579-436a-b5b5-66dee395c693">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, what would you do? : I get what you are saying, but this is the only issue that he hasn't talked to me about, simply because I expressed really strong feelings about her and the situation in the first place.  I think I am definitely going to tell him that I overheard, because you're right, I want him to feel comfortable talking to me.
Posted by jlw1492[/QUOTE]

I think you're making a good decision.

I'm a sucker for happy endings, so I'm kind of hoping you'll end up being friends with her (unless she's totally horrible, of course)

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:8ff63d17-409a-4105-b661-67052e643365">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, what would you do? : This. And you sound like you want to be the bigger person here, so start the conversation like that: "hey,I was thinking since you told me about the FB invite that I think we should start fresh and I overheard you tell X that you want to invite her to the wedding, and I think it's a great idea". Maybe even reach out to her yourself. Apologize and encourage a new start. 
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

Sometimes I think you and I share a brain

kd.joseph

It's cause we're both so "hot" babe! We had to share the brain, cause it took 2 bodies to hold the hotness............lol.

jlw1492

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:82a5f2b1-d39f-4e5a-a532-6fdf47c2b31b">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, what would you do? : I think you're making a good decision. I'm a sucker for happy endings, so I'm kind of hoping you'll end up being friends with her (unless she's totally horrible, of course)
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

She's not <em>totally</em> horrible, but I'm willing to give second chances here, simply because I know it will mean a lot to him. And really, there was a point in time where her and I got along pretty well. 

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:c9baaac1-e300-468a-a80e-3e48da7e7a07">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's cause we're both so "hot" babe! We had to share the brain, cause it took 2 bodies to hold the hotness............lol.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]


Haha! Our hotness cannot be contained. We should clone ourselves

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:85996802-6bc1-46d9-8d04-5a35e2c832de">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, what would you do? : She's not totally horrible, but I'm willing to give second chances here, simply because I know it will mean a lot to him. And really, there was a point in time where her and I got along pretty well. 
Posted by jlw1492[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you're making an effort for your FI sake. That's a start to a good marriage,compromise, and doing things we may not want to do for the sake of the other person. Good luck!

[Deleted User]

How did you overhear that he wants to invite her? Did you genuinely overhear it or were you snooping somehow?

I agree with Jen and KD that you should talk to him about it, but your initial hesitation to talk to him about it makes me think there is some guilt going on from your side.

[Deleted User]

Out of curiosity, what did your FI do or say when she was talking sh!t about your engagement? I'm hoping he at least stood up for you. I know my DH wouldn't invite anyone to our wedding who didn't support our relationship (this came up with a long-time friend of his, so I know how much it sucks to have a friend trash talk you).

I probably wouldn't say anything about overhearing the conversation, because he might take that as snooping or eavesdropping. I'd just bring it up like you need her address for the invitations.

jlw1492

He was outside on the phone and the window was open.  I genuinely overheard bits of the conversation including "I'd really like to invite her to the wedding, but I think J would be upset."  I asked him not long after hearing that if there was anyone he'd like to add to the list (adding her name specifically) and he said no.  I didn't want to push, but like I said, I really think he'd regret it if she weren't there.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:9d672ab3-296d-4a5d-a7c2-d7e6072d170c">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Out of curiosity, what did your FI do or say when she was talking sh!t about your engagement? I'm hoping he at least stood up for you. I know my DH wouldn't invite anyone to our wedding who didn't support our relationship (this came up with a long-time friend of his, so I know how much it sucks to have a friend trash talk you</strong>). I probably wouldn't say anything about overhearing the conversation, because he might take that as snooping or eavesdropping. I'd just bring it up like you need her address for the invitations.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

That was kind of my thought. If someone was trash talking my engagement or my husband they would not be invited to the wedding.

Fwiw, let me tell you a story. In high school I had a male friend, T, who was like a brother to me. T was head over heels in love with me and I knew it, but felt nothing but sisterly love towards him. We went through a lot of shiit together and he would have given me the moon if I asked him. When Dh and I started dating LD, T came to visit his friend but stayed the night at my house. Dh and I had a huge fight over it and almost broke up that night. T disappeared for a while to let me get everything straight, because he could already tell this was the real thing.
I did not hesistate to tell Dh that I wanted to invite T to the wedding. I was incredibly nervous about how they would act around each other, and asked Sil to help me out if needed. The boys ended up inviting T to the bachelor party and after a few hours of stories about me, and how T took care of me every time I had an asshole bf, Dh and him got along great.

Lisa8888

You know he would really like for her to be there. And you know why he is not admitting it to you. I feel bad for him that he is afraid to even tell you. You should just invite her. You know that would make him happy.

jlw1492

He did stand up for me (for us) when she was trash talking the engagement.  He's also one who forgives quickly and doesn't hold grudges where I tend to not let things go as quickly.  She did apologize to both of us separately when she contacted him through FB.  I give the girl a lot of credit for taking the time to apologize to me.

At any rate, we spoke at dinner.  I told him I heard the conversation and he felt bad for not talking to me about it.  I apologized for being so hot headed that he didn't think he could talk to me about it.  I told her that we should definitely invite her.  I think he's really excited.

Lisa8888

A happy ending. Sounds great.

thesuninherhead

To be honest, we had a similar situation. H's friend who was initially jealous and overstepped the boundaries when we started dating was given an invite, and she came. She spent the whole latter part of the evening sitting whilst glaring/looking in sadness at the rest of us celebrating on the dance floor- I don't think she could contain her emotions at that point!- but she was also the first to text us the next day to tell us how much fun she had, presumably in an effort to be supportive. I didn't see the harm in having her there, really, and it made H happy to be able to invite her because they've been friends for such a long time, even if they're not close now.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:25aa9c3e-f031-4aba-9621-f49da22b3458Post:6522a7ed-97d2-4439-b953-24846f9537f8">Re: So, what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]He did stand up for me (for us) when she was trash talking the engagement.  He's also one who forgives quickly and doesn't hold grudges where I tend to not let things go as quickly.  She did apologize to both of us separately when she contacted him through FB.  I give the girl a lot of credit for taking the time to apologize to me. At any rate, we spoke at dinner.  I told him I heard the conversation and he felt bad for not talking to me about it.  I apologized for being so hot headed that he didn't think he could talk to me about it.  I told her that we should definitely invite her.  I think he's really excited.
Posted by jlw1492[/QUOTE]

I'm so glad it worked out! Communication is a wonderful thing  :)

pierrette123

Firstly, I think it's pretty cool that you admit your wrong doing in all this.  I think you should invite her and then tell him you did it. 

When he asks why just tell him that you over heard what was said and you didn't want to make it a big deal and thought "what the hell" and invited her.  She means something to him and he needs to know that you recognize that and you're ok with it.  Mend a fence with her too. 

Hey, I have a big mouth and a bad temper.  I know how embarassing it can be and I've been in your position a few times. I think all of us have at some point, the thing to learn is how to acknowledge it and move forward to the future not dwell on the past.