First of all, I'm sorry I felt the need to create an AE. I've never talked to anyone about this and I feel weird even bringing it up. But I really value your opinions. I obviously do because I'm coming to you all first, not my IRL friends, not my FI, you guys.
Several years ago I was in just a toxic, bad relationship. I was young and dumb and he was just a waste. I stayed with him for two years, being unhappy most of the time. He started using drugs and I immediately broke it off. He knew that was a dealbreaker.
After the breakup, he started to guilt me into seeing him using excuses like giving some of my stuff back. When I would see him, although we never had sex, he would pin me down and kiss me, touch me, take off my clothes even when I protested and clearly told him I didn't want to. Sometimes I would cry and he wouldn't stop.
I didn't want to see him again after that. I was scared and confused. But he wouldn't stop calling me. I was afraid to answer the phone, so I didn't. Sometimes I would look at my cell phone after putting it away and there would be nearly 100 missed calls. He would just keep calling. A few times I would text a friend and accidentally answer his call and promptly hung up. He would sometimes leave voicemails and say it was very important and to call him back. Eventually I would answer and he tell him never to ignore him again and to answer his calls. Then he started threatening that he would kill himself if I didn't answer his calls or meet with him. When I'd meet with him, the same things happened as the first time. I would still protest and he would still continue. He kept threatening that he'd kill himself and I felt responsible if he did. Sometimes I wouldn't protest because I knew it wouldn't make a difference. This continued for months.
He started stalking me and I felt really scared. I would leave for work very early in the morning, before the sun came up, and he would be there walking around my neighborhood. I started ignoring his phone calls again and he started threatening he'd kill himself. He left voicemails saying I shouldn't date and shouldn't move on. He would hear about dates I went on and call about them and ask personal questions about what I did. I became so numb to the situation, I didn't care. So I continued to ignore him, blocked his phone number, email, screen name, etc. Sometimes he would call from other numbers and sometimes he would see me at school, but after a couple more months, he gave up and stopped.
I haven't seen or talked to him since then, this was several years ago. A couple weeks ago a friend of mine, that was a mutual friend when we starting dating, texted me and said she got a call from ex's mom and she said he has been missing for a while. I contacted an old friend of ours who I thought might stay in contact with him and he said ex was fine. Since then, I've just felt really strange about the situation. I've been having nightmares about him and I never realized how scared I actually was of him. After we broke up, I misunderstood his aggression for passion. I just thought we had a nasty breakup and he didn't take it well. But now as an adult, I'm just now realizing that I was really scared and it affected me and my relationship a lot. I have this strange urge to contact ex and confront this situation. I feel like I need closure.
I feel a little silly even bringing this up because so many other women have been in horrible, domestic violence situations and this is really nothing in comparison. But for some reason, now more than ever, I feel so unsettled about it. Any advice?