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Snarky Brides

Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice.

I'm marrying a great man in less than five months, and I absolutely love his family. They are such nice people and have really accepted me as "one of their own". There is just one problem.

His mom's house is really dirty.

I will preface this by saying I am admittedly sensitive to dust/dirt/etc because when I was growing up, my mother was a total neat freak. I'm not a doctor (obviously) but I'd be willing to be she was OCD. Once she started going through menopause and started taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, it got better. But for most of my childhood, my house was nearly spotless.

My house is not nearly as clean, but it's still pretty kept up.

My FI's family lives four hours away, so when we go visit, we stay with them. I would be content to get a hotel room, but that would be insulting to his mom (or so I'm told). Their house is very dusty and it bothers my allergies. I always bring some kind of allergy medicine with me since the first time we stayed, but it just doesn't seem to help. When we went over Christmas, I blew my nose all the time and often what came out was gray or black. To be frank, I'm pretty miserable when we go.

I can't tell his mom to clean her house when we come, but I don't want to offend her by staying in a hotel when we come either. And I REALLY don't want to tell my FI that his mom's house is dirty. That just seems so rude. But I DREAD going there, and it's only because of the allergy stuff. What do I do?!
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Re: Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice.

  • When are you going to visit again? If it's not soon, I would leave it alone and only mention it to your FI in a simple convo. like "It was nice seeing your family but my allergies were really bad"

    If it comes up again before you travel you can say:

     "Hon, I love your mom and am looking forward to seeing her but every time we visit, my allergies are horrible, it must be the dust because....., can we stay in a hotel? I'm pretty embarassed to tell your mom her house is dirty"

    Just wanted to add though, are you sure your allergies are due to her dusty house? I'm not sure about your area but if I travel 4 hours from where i live, i get completely different temperature which causes my sneezing, wattery eyes, congestion, etc.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-totally-wedding-related-but-id-like-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:2bca141d-c5e6-489a-a149-79c429afa578Post:80b3774b-d38b-4eb8-a767-810872f4aa99">Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm marrying a great man in less than five months, and I absolutely love his family. They are such nice people and have really accepted me as "one of their own". There is just one problem. His mom's house is really dirty. I will preface this by saying I am admittedly sensitive to dust/dirt/etc because when I was growing up, my mother was a total neat freak. I'm not a doctor (obviously) but I'd be willing to be she was OCD. Once she started going through menopause and started taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, it got better. But for most of my childhood, my house was nearly spotless. My house is not nearly as clean, but it's still pretty kept up. My FI's family lives four hours away, so when we go visit, we stay with them. I would be content to get a hotel room, but that would be insulting to his mom (or so I'm told). Their house is very dusty and it bothers my allergies. I always bring some kind of allergy medicine with me since the first time we stayed, but it just doesn't seem to help. When we went over Christmas, I blew my nose all the time and often what came out was gray or black. To be frank, I'm pretty miserable when we go. I can't tell his mom to clean her house when we come, but I don't want to offend her by staying in a hotel when we come either. And I REALLY don't want to tell my FI that his mom's house is dirty. That just seems so rude. But I DREAD going there, and it's only because of the allergy stuff. What do I do?!
    Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

    Wow, I could have written this post.  My future in-laws are the nicest people but their home is filthy and smells horrible.  My FI is aware but doesn't feel there's anything he or his siblings could say that would make a difference without offending them.  But the last time we were there, my FI's youngest son had to go to the ER b/c he had trouble breathing.  No one would talk about why.  I was having trouble myself by the end of the visit.   We're planning to go the hotel route but have to figure out what to say. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-totally-wedding-related-but-id-like-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:2bca141d-c5e6-489a-a149-79c429afa578Post:e7670d59-2cdc-409c-b04e-77d5f3e8c5ed">Re: Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE]When are you going to visit again? If it's not soon, I would leave it alone and only mention it to your FI in a simple convo. like "It was nice seeing your family but my allergies were really bad" If it comes up again before you travel you can say:  "Hon, I love your mom and am looking forward to seeing her but every time we visit, my allergies are horrible, it must be the dust because....., can we stay in a hotel? I'm pretty embarassed to tell your mom her house is dirty" <strong>Just wanted to add though, are you sure your allergies are due to her dusty house? I'm not sure about your area but if I travel 4 hours from where i live, i get completely different temperature which causes my sneezing, wattery eyes, congestion, etc.</strong>
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    <div>I originally thought the same thing but once I'm out of the house for a few hours, it seems to improve. I just really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I am kind of worried my FI will feel that I'm insulting his mom by insinuating her house isn't clean...</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-totally-wedding-related-but-id-like-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:2bca141d-c5e6-489a-a149-79c429afa578Post:42ef0441-d560-419d-b263-773fc0d8881e">Re: Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not totally wedding related, but I'd like advice. : I originally thought the same thing but once I'm out of the house for a few hours, it seems to improve. I just really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I am kind of worried my FI will feel that I'm insulting his mom by insinuating her house isn't clean...
    Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

    awww. Definitely a sticky situation. Jcb also gave you good advice to just avoid the dust issue and tell him it's for privacy and comfort. Eventhough the comfort thing might also be insulting.
  • The privacy thing would probably be more of an issue. There is no "wink wink" allowed in their family. They just kind of assume we don't do any "wink wink". To the point where his grandmother assumed that we had a two bedroom apartment... and slept in separate bedrooms.

    I think I'm just going to have to tell my FI the truth. I can't sleep there anymore. 

    Is it mean if I make him come up with a reason to tell his mom? I'm kinda like "Tell her whatever you want just don't make me sleep there" at this point.
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  • bunni727bunni727 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2013
    How about an approach geared more towards their comfort? Something like, "FI, my allergies go a little nuts at your parents' house. I'd like to stay at a hotel next time we visit, so they don't have to put up with my coughing and sniffles the whole time."

    ETA: I do think you should tell your FI the whole truth, the suggestion above is just a gentle way to open the conversation.
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  • I have a ton of allergies, to a point where sometimes I can't be in people's houses just for dinner if they have a lot of candles/plug-ins/flowers. You can just have FI tell his mom that something in her house is different than in yours, and it bothers your allergies. You would never ask his mom to change anything in her own home, but would be more comfortable sleeping in a hotel, since nighttime is when you notice yourself being the most affected.

    Everyone's house is different, so this is totally legit without having to outright tell her that the difference is that she doesn't clean, lol. Especially if you like his mom, this is going to be a sensitive subject, which you obviously know. Good luck!
    Anniversary
  • How can I twist these into believably reasons when we've already slept there at least a dozen times?
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  • Just explain you didn't know how to explain it before. It is a touchy subject you didn't want to upset/offend her and still don't. You could also say your allergies have gotten worse or something.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Til we wed!
  • Is the bed uncomfortable??? If so use that as your out. That the doc recommends a ___ mattress so you are going to stay at a hotel so you can sleep better. That's my out and his parents live 1500 miles away. Their house is full of trinkets and knock backs and honestly the TV is so loud I can't sleep there bc its in all night so I told FI hotels from now on. (Its a full size bed... He's a bigger guy, we need at least a king to be comfy). Even when they came here I could hear the TV on my bottom floor in my room upstairs with the door closed. Drives me crazy!!
  • I think I'll try the "allergies are getting worse" thing. I'm started taking a new antidepressant this week and I'm sure I can somehow blame it on that. I mean... they have a trillion side effects anyway...
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