boundaries

mrshellem2012

My FI step mother is always calling and complaining about her relationship with my FI father. She used to call me and i grew tired of the same conversation everytime so i finally told her if it is so bad why does she stay?
 She doesn't call me anymore, but now she is calling FI again. I say again meaning when FI had made some bad choices in his life she would not talk to him, she didn't even want FI father talking to him. Well now that FI is staying out of trouble and is more stable she is talking to him again.
 This woman has been dateing FI father for 15 years and he just now married her, after years and years of refusing (thats their own issue though) He has always treated her the same, never any sweeter or meaner. Yes, he is an ass and frankly really hard to like but, the man is who he is. She has been calling FI and complaining about his father for years, even before i met him. She used to call his brother but as soon as he got married he stopped answering her phone calls.

    I have talked to FI and asked how he felt about her calling him to complain about his father and he says he hates it, so i suggested telling her its inapproprate. She still continues to call, my FI does not like hurting peoples feelings so he either doesnt want to hurt her feelings or thinks it will be a deal with me.
   She has her own adult children she could talk to about this, i mean is it really appropriate to call a man and bitch about his father? It bothers me, and honestly i am not sure if i should feel this way but i do. What do you ladies think?

alyssag721

If she is not calling you personally I wouldn't worry about it. You said your piece and now the issue is between your FI and his stepmother. If he can't tell her to stop then the problem is his, not yours.

MeaghanandMichael

As some one who had to set their own boundaries with their MIL, I feel for you.

I think you are on the right track talking to FI and I have a softy for an H too who hates to be firm with any negativity. He is a good man who listens to every one but I was able to explain to him how things made ME feel and that cut to the heart of the problem. Perhaps he doesn't realize you are not just annoyed but put in an awkward position?

Dana1116

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boundaries-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3297040c-dabf-4071-add0-10146788d2d7Post:c02ac4c8-082f-43ee-a59a-bf4cce292ecc">Re: boundaries</a>:
[QUOTE] I think you are on the right track talking to FI and I have a softy for an H too who hates to be firm with any negativity. He is a good man who listens to every one but I was able to explain to him how things made ME feel and that cut to the heart of the problem. Perhaps he doesn't realize you are not just annoyed but put in an awkward position?
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]
This. I've never had any issues with the in-laws that needed to come to boundary setting (or resetting boundaries?) so I'm probably not of much help. I do think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your FI and make sure you're both on the same page with the issue.

mrshellem2012

well yeah its his problem but his problem are quickly becoming mine. I can see it in his face when he gets off the phone how upset he is. Who wants to hear things like this about one of their parents, especially when it's the same crap every single time.
    She also likes to try to hint to him and the other siblings that they shouldn't call so much (which FI has not called alot since we have started our own lifes) She says it takes away from their "alone time." I feel like telling her the same damn thing... GRRR... I guess it's okay for her to call when ever she wants lol

mrshellem2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boundaries-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3297040c-dabf-4071-add0-10146788d2d7Post:e37c241c-15b7-4516-bf3a-b10c6f8db0c9">Re: boundaries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: boundaries : Your FI needs to tell her to stop calling to bitch about his dad. If he won't do that, as passive aggressive as it would be, I'd just avoid her calls.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

honestly i wish he would, but i can't make him do anything

alyssag721

My FMIL is obnoxious as hell. She knows I won't take her crap so she avoids me at all cost. It took FI a while but he learned that sometimes a firm "no" is the best thing you can do even if it hurts someone's feelings. Eventually it will get to the point where your FI will do that (hopefully). In the meantime I don't think you should push him into it or he will resent you, just let him figure it out, if she is that annoying it shouldn't take that long!

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boundaries-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3297040c-dabf-4071-add0-10146788d2d7Post:31484e23-8726-405f-b250-c9e759050826">Re: boundaries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: boundaries : honestly i wish he would, but i can't make him do anything
Posted by mrshellem2012[/QUOTE]

Of course not, but you can talk to him. If he wants to have a certain relationship with his mother than that is his choice and you can only be a listening ear. I know it sucks but I am sure you have other thing to focus on. Just let it be, You said your piece.

mrshellem2012

Thanks ladies