Snarky Brides

Tell me what you think about this

I'm watching RHODC and one of the main ladies is contacting her bio mom's son to try to get more information about her adoption. I didn't catch the age of the son but she is sending him a FB message saying "You would never believe what we have in common, please contact me!" (or something like that, exact wording not there).
From what I've caught of the backstory her mom is white, had an affair with a Nigerian man and gave up the baby. Current husband of white lady has no clue that she ever had a baby, Nigerian man has no clue, and the "kid" now looks to be in her late 30's/early 40's.

She contact bio mom and I guess she wants nothing to do with her and told her to leave her family alone.

What do you think? Is it an adopted childs right to be able to contact her bio family even if it is against the families wishes or is she being incredibly selfish by risking this woman's life (as far as current husband/kids) with this news.

Re: Tell me what you think about this

  • I think that while one party is entitled to contact the other party, if they make it known that they would appreciate not being contacted, the person doing the contacting should respect their wishes. I think its incredibly selfish to go against someones wishes like that when they could have a serious negative impact on that persons life.
  • What show is this?
    I always thought (not sure) that those sorts of arrangements were made during the adoption process--some are open adoptions where communication is allowed and others are closed where the bio fam wants nothing to do with them once they're adopted.

    I guess it all depends on the desires of both parties. I understand that when you're adopted you want to know as much as you can about your bio family, but if they don't want it, you're probably better off leaving it alone or you may be hurt, it seems to me anyway.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tell-think-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:4786c2f9-dc9c-4673-a1e7-69d0e9c062daPost:341795e4-1c7d-4466-a114-c35fe4c00f92">Re: Tell me what you think about this</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that while one party is entitled to contact the other party, if they make it known that they would appreciate not being contacted, the person doing the contacting should respect their wishes. I think its incredibly selfish to go against someones wishes like that when they could have a serious negative impact on that persons life.
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Ditto.</div>
  • Rho, it's Real Housewives of DC. I'm getting my hour of bad reality tv in before the massive cleaning commences.
  • I actually experienced this over the summer. I found out in May that I was adopted by my dad, and that I have an older sister, which I had no clue about before. I am not sure why my family waited 22 years to tell me but anyway....

    I have not contacted my bio dad, even though he has been pestering FI for me to. I did, however, contact my older (27) sister. Yes, older. He raised her but walked out on me. I  contacted her and later flew to meet her and stay with her over the summer for a week, and we are emailing frequently. I'm hoping to visit her again this winter.

    I was so nervous when I contacted her. She knew of me from a picture of us when I was born, but she didn't know that I had just found out anything and that I never knew about her before. She also thought that maybe there was a paternity issue, and that was why her dad left me.

    It was the best decision I ever made to contact her. It was hard, because I didn't know how she would react, and if she would want to meet me or not. However, if I had contact my bio dad first, and he rejected me and told me not to contact her... I probably wouldn't have. Atleast not for a while. I can't imagine how I would have felt if she had rejected me after I contacted her.

    To answer your question, I do feel that adoptees have the right to contact their biological family members, but they should definitely do so in a cautious manner, and be prepared for rejection. It does seem selfish to some that I turned my sister's life upside down, but I don't regret it at all. We are so happy to have each other now.
  • Katie I was definitely thinking this same thing when watching it last night. I guess what upsets me is that Stacy and her husband have absolutely no care about how their contacting him will affect her biological mother's life. The mother made it very clear that she didn't want her current family to know about Stacy so I think the least they could have done was warn the mother that they were contacting her son to give her a chance to be the one to tell her family first.

    On the other side, if I were adopted I would definitely want to know about my biological parents. I'm not saying Stacy is in the wrong, I just think they could have gone about it in a different way.
  • I would want to know, but yeah, she's going about this all wrong. I feel it's being really passive agressive/biitchy to contact a son when the mother has already made her intentions clear.

    Pp, but at least your bio father wanted to contact you, assuming that he also would have told his family about you.

    My grandma actually gave up her first child for adoption when she was 18. Having a child out of wedlock was out of the question, and she never told anyone about it, even her husband. She almost had a heart attack (literally) when 52 years later he contacted her and wanted to meet. She called everyone to tell them about this, and even told my dad she understood if he never wanted to speak to her again. I think that's a completely different scenario from the adoptee contacting my dad and being like "Hi perfect stranger, guess what we have in common!"
  • I haven't seen this episode, yet, but I agree with you guys.

    I understand that adoptions usually have guidelines set from the beginning (i.e. open/closed, etc).  However, I can completely understand the need to meet your biological parents, to understand where you came from, and to fill that void which exists for many adopted children/adults.  So I get why Stacy wants to meet and know her parents so badly. 

    I understand that her mother gave Stacy up because she felt this pregnancy would have completely upended her life (although, I'm not sure how accepting I would be if I were Stacy and that's what Biomom told me).  I think it's a jerk move not to provide more information to Stacy, especially since she is an adult, but, at the same time, I think it is inappropriate to randomly make contact with someone and up-end their life (especially via FB).  Proceed with caution would be an understatement here.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tell-think-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:4786c2f9-dc9c-4673-a1e7-69d0e9c062daPost:341795e4-1c7d-4466-a114-c35fe4c00f92">Re: Tell me what you think about this</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that while one party is entitled to contact the other party, if they make it known that they would appreciate not being contacted, the person doing the contacting should respect their wishes. I think its incredibly selfish to go against someones wishes like that when they could have a serious negative impact on that persons life.
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

    This.
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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • i think that it goes both ways.  people should respect the wishes of others but at the same time, if you carry a secret around like that you have to expect that at some point the truth might come out.

    just because the mom doesn't want it known that she gave up a child for adoption, doesn't mean that her other bio kids don't want to know their sibling.

    it's a tricky situation...
  • So, the child given up for adoption wants a relationship with the biological family?

    Actually, I feel for the kid given up. Way to make it clear that you are STILL ashamed of this kid's existence. Not the child's (even if child is an adult) fault Ithat this woman had an affair. Personally, I think the biological mother should own up and maybe even try to love this kid she gave up. The child does have a right to know her siblings, her medical history, all of those things.
    image
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