Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I might be overthinking this because I'm a dental hygiene nut, but I'm really concerned about Ben's teeth.  He probably hasn't been to a dentist in five or six years.  I asked him last night when the last time was, and he just said, "I have no idea" and left the room, so I can tell he didn't really want to talk about it.  And I don't want to feel like his mother or something, scolding him or trying to make him accountable for his oral health.

But I feel like my concerns are legit.  If he can't remember the last time he's been to a dentist, I can only imagine what's going on in there... his teeth don't outwardly appear to be gross or anything, but he does drink a lot of soda (Mountain Dew especially).  And I know that oral health can have a big impact on the health of the entire body.  He does have dental benefits through his job, and I guess I don't know how good the benefits are but if you have those benefits, shouldn't you use them?

How would you bring it up?  What would you say? 

ErinG93

AATB, my H used to the be the same way about the dentist. Does he have a fear of going to the dentist? I think I would openly and honestly ask him, treading lightly but being completely forward. 

kimheartsscott

I would tell him about the mouse that dissolved in mountain dew (somebody know what I'm talking about) and be all "THATS YOUR TEETH!"

pirategal03

"I'm making an appointment to get my teeth cleaned next month, want me to make one for you too?  We could go out to lunch after.  It'll be a fun random weekday to spend together."

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:d8d34dd4-ea73-4f81-a636-cfe03986959b">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I would tell him about the mouse that dissolved in mountain dew (somebody know what I'm talking about) and be all "THATS YOUR TEETH!"
Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

I do.

I asked my Dew junkie co-workers if they'd heard about "the thing with the rodent in the Mountain Dew bottle" and they said no.  So I didn't elaborate.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:d8d34dd4-ea73-4f81-a636-cfe03986959b">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I would tell him about the mouse that dissolved in mountain dew (somebody know what I'm talking about) and be all "THATS YOUR TEETH!"
Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

I know what you're talking about. But it was actually a mouse that should have dissolved if the people suing had been telling the truth.

They claimed they found a mouse in there when they opened it.  MT Dew was able to figure out when the can had been filled and they said that the mouse would hvae dissolved in there in that time, therefore proving the pepole wrong.

SEWF

That was me until about 4 months ago. Then one of my teeth broke. Had to go after that.

I know for me, after a while, I knew how bad it was and didn't want to be lectured or guilt tripped. It took something drastic like a tooth breaking for me to get over it. 

Before I started going to the dentist again, H had asked me a few times when I had last gone. He tread lightly, and even asked a couple of times if I wanted him to make an appointment for me with his dentist. Maybe just talk up how great your dentist is and gently say that he should try your dentist. Don't lecture him or push, but bring it up maybe once a week until he discusses it with you. I know for me, once H broke down that wall for me so I could talk about it, I felt a lot better. I was embarrassed for a long time and never wanted to discuss it.

mehgank

Add me to the group of women married to husbands who mistreat their mouths. Being in the military, we have to get our teeth examined and cleaned annually, which H does, but that's it. I noticed that he's sensitive about his health (teeth, stomach problems, smoking/chewing tobacco use, etc) so if I were to even mention it, it would upset him and he'd just shut down and stop talking to me. I try subtle reminders, like "I love the flavor of our new toothpaste. It reminds me of spearmint gum" or "Do you prefer the blue or the green Listerine?". I'm hoping these subtle reminders will send up little reminders in his brain, but I dunno if they're working or not.

SEWF

Oh, and it doesn't hurt to get people to conspire with you. H brought in his mom, and when she was in town for Thanksgiving, she made us both promise to go to the dentist. There's nothing like a mom's gentle prodding!

amys325

AATB, I definitely think your concerns are legit. 

I was talking my dentist at my last check-up (when his hands weren't in my mouth...ha!) and he said that if you wait too long and then after 5-10 years decide you want to go and get all the stuff done, insurance won't cover it because you didn't try to prevent it from happening.

Which is total BS because that's why you have insurance, but he said he's seen it happen often.  People wait 10 years, come in and need a ton of work and insurance straight up refuses to pay.

alynne1113

I always just book the appointment and let him know when to be there. I usually say something like, my dentist called me to remind me I am due for a cleaning and I remembered you haven't been in a little while so I booked you in on this day as well. 

Its also my benefits that pay so I always tell him if he doesn't use them up they go back to the company and its like giving part of my pay away.

SEWF

I was afraid of the dentist, too (if your H is actually afraid). I just had to psych myself up. Deep breaths helped. I just kept reminding myself that it needed to be done. Plus, if he has a good dentist, they's pump him full of novocaine. Novocaine is AMAZING!

[Deleted User]

I guess I'm a bad wife because I just say, "H, go to the dentist. Your teeth need to be cleaned and you get 2 free cleanings a year. I don't want to pay for more expensive issues down the line."

But he does the same to me, makes me go to the doc when I don't want to. Tough love and all. Now, if he was genuinely afraid of the dentist, it would be a different story and I'd be more compassionate. But a pride thing? Get over it and get your damn teeth cleaned.

mehgank

If McLovin has a real fear of the dentist, maybe be like "Hey, there's one of those new 'No Fear Dentistry' offices coming to our town next month. I hear they give you laughing gas even just for a cleaning. Want me to check it out?". Something like that.

kd.joseph

I was one of those people, but mine had to do more with lack of insurance.

By the time I got to the doctor I had to have a back tooth pulled. We (doc and me) started taking measures at that point to make sure I dont lose anymore.

I had to have 2 gum surgeries. Not pleasant at all. And I now have to get my teeth cleaned 4 times a year.

SEWF

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:23d16b80-9e9a-4f51-b370-92d5e9edef70">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]If McLovin has a real fear of the dentist, maybe be like "Hey, there's one of those new <strong>'No Fear Dentistry' </strong>offices coming to our town next month. I hear they give you laughing gas even just for a cleaning. Want me to check it out?". Something like that.
Posted by mehgank[/QUOTE]

<div>Those things exist?! Really?! Why didn't I know about this? I would have gone to the dentist a lot earlier.</div>

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:68beaa88-7b04-498e-8702-2a61e393db25">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband : Those things exist?! Really?! Why didn't I know about this? I would have gone to the dentist a lot earlier.
Posted by SEWF[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My dentist gives laughing gas if you have anxiety. Actually, the office is called "Bearable Dentistry." They're great with kids and people who have serious dentist fears. 

</div>

adrienne0925

I have this same issue with my FI.  I really want him to get a check-up and cleaning at least before the wedding.  I am def going to have to just make the appointment and sweet talk him into it...so frustrating!

mehgank

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:68beaa88-7b04-498e-8702-2a61e393db25">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband : Those things exist?! Really?! Why didn't I know about this? I would have gone to the dentist a lot earlier.
Posted by SEWF[/QUOTE]

Yep! Living in Miami, we hear a lot of commercials for this type of thing down here, where businesses really cater to people in every way (for instance, there's an eye center that picks up their LASIK patients from their homes, takes them to surgery, and then brings them back home post-op, so they don't have to worry about driving).

I've also heard of it referred to as "sedation dentistry" too. There are all different forms: laughing gas, anesthesia (knock you out), or they'll simply prescribe you some Valium to take before your appointment.

musicalsunlight

Oh man, AATB my H is the same way. He drinks coffee, alcohol and pop a lot and I worry about him. I need to confront him about it but I feel so awkward as well.

kimheartsscott

Chelsea, I know, but thats not the point. The point is, whether or not there was really a mouse in this case, this shiit DISSOLVES MICE. So you can only imagine what it does to enamel. Christ.

baystateapple

AATB, H had the worst teeth I've ever seen when we started dating.  Two of them were BROKEN in the back, for God's sake.  And had been since high school (he was 23 when we started dating).  When I asked him why he'd never gotten them checked out, he said that he'd never had dental insurance and didn't want to go without it.  I ended up convincing him to see a dentist when his first wisdom tooth started hurting.  Six extractions (four wisdom teeth and two broken teeth) later, he's finally seeing the dentist regularly.

I really don't know any good ways around getting him to go, unfortunately.  H's tooth pain intervened for me (agonizing pain will do that to you, I guess).  Maybe ask him why he's scared to go, and then see if you can't talk him into going.  Or make an appointment for him.  That's what I ended up doing in the end, I called the dentist and set up the appointment and drove him there.  Sucks when you have to play "Mom", but teeth are just too damn important to ignore.  GL.

Birdie1483

I was traumatized too by a bad pediatric dentist. I would talk to your H and find out why he might not want to go. I found that finding a good dentist has REALLY helped with my anxiety.

If that doesn't work, I would go for the money angle. Cleanings are free, but root canals are very expensive. Not only do you need the actual root canal done, but then you have to have a crown placed on the tooth and that will most likely need to be replaced at least once in your lifetime. The root canal and crown can easily cost over $1k per tooth. They also require several trips to the dentist to complete the work.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Honestly I think he's just lazy.  He also hasn't seen an eye doctor for a few years either, and has mentioned that he'd like to get new glasses but never makes an appointment.  He isn't afraid of the dentist, I just don't think he ever really cares to go.

But what amys said about insurance not covering if it's been too long... omg.  I shudder to think.

musicalsunlight

I don't think I've been to the dentist in about two years, but I've had very few teeth problems and all I ever drink is water. I should still go in for a cleaning, though. I know J didn't have insurance for a few years so that probably helped his avoidance. Now he has insurance through school so he should utilize that money we are giving the school!

baystateapple

Oh yeah, Birdie brings up another good tip.  Look for a good dentist before convincing him to go.  I didn't take H to my dentist because mine wouldn't accept payment plans for people who didn't have insurance.  I'm so glad I didn't.  His dentist is a great guy, very gentle and very easygoing.  My dental hygenist is a nightmare who hurts like hell even if you go regularly.  I'm switching to his.  I can't even imagine how that would have gone over if I had sent him to my dentist.  He'd never have gone back.

Gabrielle76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:7f25f654-600b-42ac-af4a-38b7c98f7dfc">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]"I'm making an appointment to get my teeth cleaned next month, want me to make one for you too?  We could go out to lunch after.  It'll be a fun random weekday to spend together."
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

Great advice.  That's how I get my FI to do most things he's aprehensive about.  "I'm doing it, come along, we'll make a day of it and it will be fun!"

cheeseandrice

Yeah. I just make H an appt when I make mine.  He doesn't really have a choice.

He doens't care though. He's always said the only reason he won't go is because he hates calling to make an appointment.  It helps if I make them at the same time, since we carpool anyway.

He hadn't been to a dentist it probably 5-6 years, because he didn't have dental insurance.  It took a few visits (and a few root canals and fillings), but his teeth are good now. And he goes every 6 months, because he doesn't want to go through that stuff again.

dmiller9274

I'd approach it as "I'm thinking of looking into a new dentist and I'm going to set up an appt to meet with one before I schedule any work to be done. Why don't you come with me so we can see if it's one we'll both like?" Maybe even mention that you think down the road, once you have kids, you'll need a dentist that is thorough and is good with kids so your family will be able to go to the same office. 

I had a terrible experience when I was almost 18 and honestly didn't go back to the dentist until 6 weeks before our wedding. (I was almost 30 when we got married) My teeth didn't appear to even look that bad, but I knew that I had some issues. I had a couple that I wanted to look better before the wedding. It cost me 7 THOUSAND DOLLARS to fix. (right before the wedding, the money hurt more than the procedures, and I had 4 permanent crowns put on the day before our wedding) I set up an appt to meet with a dentist that offered sedation dentistry and didn't even let him look in my mouth at our first appt. I needed to make sure he was going to be someone that I was comfortable with. 

If the health concern isn't enough of an issue to encourage him to go, maybe the financial cost of not going to extended periods of time will help. Good Luck

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Lol, I truly don't think it would go over well if I just made him an appointment.  But the financial stuff is definitely something to think about.  Ugh

dmiller9274

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bring-up-sensitive-subject-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:548fab5a-b72c-46e5-9bdd-fe22db20afb0Post:f26b890b-7e16-434f-8588-124da6c6759c">Re: Help me bring up a sensitive subject with my husband</a>:
[QUOTE]dmill, wow.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
Yep, I can't believe I was stupid enough to let fear cost me so much money. <div>
</div><div>I will say though that about a month after the wedding, I went to a Train concert and the lead singer took my camera and took a picture of both of us. My teeth were whiter than his, and I was more excited about having a brighter smile than a millionaire than I was about meeting the dude. LOL (I've never had my teeth whitened and I'm a smoker so at least my lack of caring for my teeth didn't result in dingy teeth)</div>