What do you think about this (baby related)

katiewhompus

One of the girls on my ttc board is ready to give up completely. Her husband had a vasectemy early in their marriage, got it reversed a year ago and still has no swimmers. They have tried numerous IVF procedures and run a slew of tests. They are going to do 3 months of implantation with a sperm donor, and if that doesn't work just scrap having kids all together. Adoption is not an option at all.

The thing I side eye though, is if you are using a sperm donor the kid is only half yours anyways, so why not take the step into adoption?

It reminded me of Jas's statement the other day. If people aren't willing to adopt children if they are unable to have them, did they really want them to begin with?

I also think it's interesting how our culture is so set on having a "redo" button that we do things like this. Vasectomies (sp?) can be reversed, they are amazed when an abortion makes it hard/impossible to get pregnant, etc. Things have consequences later in life people!

Thoughts?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

...yeah, if I couldn't conceive naturally, I'd totally adopt.  If I couldn't have a baby that was ALL me and Ben, I don't think I'd want to be pregnant.

Why don't they want to adopt?  Does she really want to experience pregnancy that badly?

nda_roxybabe

I think you should always be open to adoption. In her case, I find it very odd because as you said they're willing to do a donor, why not adopt?

I'm very afraid I will have fertility problems and I have told T we will be doing anything we can to get pregnant (include IVF, etc) and that if we do that we could end up with multiples. He said that is fine which is great but I would never rule out adoption.

jasmineh7777

Without knowing her, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she can't afford adoption or is scared of the adoptive parents changing their minds.
Otherwise, that is a bummer because there a lots of kids that need parents.

On a somewhat related note, I think sperm is very, very creepy.

nda_roxybabe

Oh, and AATB made a good point. I think one thing we would not try would be a sperm or egg donor. If I can't use all us then I would adopt. I think. I cant say for certain buuut...yea.

jasmineh7777

I think (and maybe I'm totally making this up?) that the children of sperm donors tend to have issues later in life with depression, identity, etc.

katiewhompus

The idea of a sperm donor creeps me out, I won't lie. I do want to be pregnant but that would just be weird I think.

I also think it would be a difficult conversation. I assume at some point they would need to have info on their real dad for medical reasons, and how do you tell a kid that you are their real mommy but dad is not their real daddy? At least adoption is a clear cut thing.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I am not sure how Ben would feel about using a donor but I would just feel creepy about it.  Just... no.

Actually wouldn't most men be kinda creeped out by the thought of their wives being impregnated by some other guy's (superior?) sperm!?  Or am I way off base here?

And isn't IVF and other fertility treatments HELLA expensive anyway?  What's the difference between that and adoption?

jasmineh7777

Ever see the episode of The Simpsons when Homer learns he is infertile? And they show his sperm bumping in to one another? Maybe her H's sperm is like that.

number55

FI and I would rather adopt but it is too expensive. We would love to wait about 5 years and then adopt a baby (or two!) from another country (or within our country) but we don't have $30 000. It makes me sad that we can't adopt. If I can't conceive in the end I guess we would look into it despite the cost but it makes me mad that we are willing to adopt rather than TTC and we can't. 

I don't know if I side eye them because I know that having a sperm donor is way less expensive than adoption. 

npasquale16

Sperm is gross in general and on principle.

FI and I would be open to adoption if we can't conceive.  I don't judge (or I try not to) anyone's choices or motivations, but I think there's a difference between wanting to experience pregnancy and wanting to experience parenthood. 

alehayes

FI and I decided we would adopt if we can't conceive.  We're both worried that something will be off with both of us (I've had lots of period issues, and FI had testicular cancer when he was little and had to have one removed).  But even if we are able to have children, I want to adopt older foster kids once our kids grow up. 

jemmini6

If I couldn't conceive naturally, I'd try IFV and stuff, but if that still didn't work, I would definitely adopt.  Although I can see how the whole process could be intimidating.  At least with IVF, it's all medical, but when you venture into adoption, you add a whole other legal side to the process.  One of my good friends was adopted from Korea and it took his parents about 3 years from the start of the process until they got him here (they started the process for ANY baby, brought my friend home when he was 3 months old).  But you also figure that was 20+ years ago and I'm sure even more roadblocks have been added.  But still, I think if you want to be a parent, it doesn't really matter if the child has your DNA or not, you will still love them and raise them the same.

number55

With my extended medical coverage full IVF would cost a lot but likely not quite as much as an adoption. A lot of the meds are covered by extended health, up to a total of $5000, but since we both have coverage we can double dip.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_think-this-baby-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:60c1ddb8-58b0-4da7-8947-b4f73b17b8d6Post:189e5fe6-10c5-4217-806c-9dbfc1584a12">Re: What do you think about this (baby related)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not sure how Ben would feel about using a donor but I would just feel creepy about it.  Just... no. Actually wouldn't most men be kinda creeped out by the thought of their wives being impregnated by some other guy's (superior?) sperm!?  Or am I way off base here? And isn't IVF and other fertility treatments HELLA expensive anyway?  What's the difference between that and adoption?
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

It varies with the different treatments. Things like Sperm Analysis are only about $100. Other treatments can go into the tens of thousands. Adoptions range from $20,000-$60,000. I also read the average time from initial application to taking home a kid for adoption was 4 years, so there is that as well. It's definitely not as easy as a lot of people like it to be.

pirategal03

AATB, some health insurances will cover fertility treatments, but they won't cover adoptions.

Is it strange that although I'm considering being an egg donor, I wouldn't ever use donor eggs or sperm to have a child?

I'd adopt though.  FI and I have talked about having children and also adopting, not in an "if we can't have kids" way, but in a "once we're done having kids" way.  We want to adopt an older child, but know that we need some years of experience first. 

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_think-this-baby-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:60c1ddb8-58b0-4da7-8947-b4f73b17b8d6Post:1ab3f416-a0af-4099-819f-d38fcab5ec71">Re: What do you think about this (baby related)</a>:
[QUOTE]AATB, some health insurances will cover fertility treatments, but they won't cover adoptions. Is it strange that although I'm considering being an egg donor, I wouldn't ever use donor eggs or sperm to have a child? I'd adopt though.  FI and I have talked about having children and also adopting, not in an "if we can't have kids" way, but in a "once we're done having kids" way. <strong> We want to adopt an older child, but know that we need some years of experience first. 
</strong>Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

I told this to someone the other day and they looked at me like I was nuts. I think there's a definite learning process adults take as babies grow up. If something happened to sil/bil (God forbid) Z would be our child. The thought of being a mom to an already 4 year old is terrifying. I don't know what to do!

jasmineh7777

Adopting an older kid means that child has a past you have to acknowledge. I think a lot of people are intimidated by that. How do you raise a child who's been through more than you have, you know?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Ah, okay.  See I'm nowhere near the point of pregnancy or thought of pregnancy really, and I have no idea about adoption costs or IVF or anything.  So thanks for the clarification

Even still though... I think I'd rather adopt than have a donor.

jasmineh7777

Okay, I'm heading out. And by the time I get home and want to kui, no one will be here. Darn you time zones!

pirategal03

Exactly.  You both made the points that we've talked about.  We know that we need our parental experience to grow with a child in order to have any clue what we're doing.

And we want to be able to be good role models and authority figures to an older child.  We're mid-20s right now, we think we'll need a larger age gap to have the right kind of authority because yes, older kids come with more baggage.  It will be a challenge.  But we feel like generally when people think "adoption" they think of babies and very young children, we want to give an older child a family. 

One of my good friends growing up was an orphan, her parents had both died when she was in elementary school.  She was shuffled around for a while and didn't get adopted and ended up in the children's home in my hometown.  She turned 18 and had to get special permission to live there through the end of her senior year of high school.  Graduation day, she was kicked out.  She had to rely on her highschool friends and their parents for a while until college started, and then she moved into the dorms.

Even knowing her, and being close to her, I can't imagine what her struggle has been like. 

katiewhompus

Also sometimes the testing itself is worse than the procedure. A full panel of tests costs somewhere around $1600 in some areas, just for a blood test.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_think-this-baby-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:60c1ddb8-58b0-4da7-8947-b4f73b17b8d6Post:848239cf-8c1d-40e7-8d16-6b3fe08054a0">Re: What do you think about this (baby related)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I'm heading out. And by the time I get home and want to kui, no one will be here. Darn you time zones!
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

Have a great night, Jas :)

nda_roxybabe

Jas- I'll be here

katiewhompus

I'll probably still be here Jas lol.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_think-this-baby-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:60c1ddb8-58b0-4da7-8947-b4f73b17b8d6Post:a45c30ef-a071-425e-ae50-22dd8331534e">Re: What do you think about this (baby related)</a>:
[QUOTE]Also sometimes the testing itself is worse than the procedure. A full panel of tests costs somewhere around $1600 in some areas, just for a blood test.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]


My blood tests cost $2,000 and none of it was covered by my insurance or Tim's. The Clomid, Ovidrel and pelvic ultrasound cost about $400 a month, also not covered :(

[Deleted User]

It doesn't really bother me, but then, I'm not planning on having a baby so I don't fully understand the thought processes behind IVF and adoption. I wouldn't judge someone for trying a donor or IVF before adoption, but I would side-eye them if they were completely against adoption entirely.

thesuninherhead

H and I have decided that if we can't conceive naturally, we won't do IVF. It's personal choice, really, but for us it's just not something that either of us would really want to go through. I would love to adopt (even if we don't have fertility issues) but there are fewer children available here than there are parents waiting (our adoption systems are really quite ridiculous). We will foster later on in life in any case, though. 

mjblazek

Just a note about adoption:  I used to really believe adoption was the best thing in the world and couldn't understand why anyone would be so selfish as to reject the idea of adoption if they couldn't conceive naturally.  But now I understand that it's NOT for everyone. 

I work at a mental health hospital for kids and every day I see the result of what can happen when the wrong people adopt the wrong kids.  It's not that the adoptive parents were being bad people, they just generally had NO CLUE what they were getting themselves into when they were adopting older children.  

Adopting from other countries is great.  Adopting older kids is great.  Everyone deserves a  loving and safe home.  But as a parent, if you're not prepared for the emotional, physical, and behavioral challenges of a child with reactive attachment disorder or PTSD, then you have no business adopting.  The kid would be better off without the extra rejection.  I have actually seen parents "give back" their kids to DCFS after going through all the adoption proceedings because the children's behavior was so horrible and the parents didn't get the cute little perfect child they had wanted.  

So, I don't judge anybody anymore for not choosing adoption.  It can be a huge blessing when it's the right match but it can also wreck marriages and families and further harm vulnerable children if the adults are not prepared or strong enough.