If.... Then

Lenore2010

Okay, I am loving all the love we have here now but felt a bit of an inclination to snark it up a little. I figure this thread will either thrive or flop.

If you have problems you bitch about constantly but do nothing to resolve, then I assume you just enjoy bitching.

Now you go.

Starmusica

If you constantly attempt to out do others by pointing out how much worse your situation is than theirs... then I assume you are nothing more than an attention seeking whore.

(this is so directed at a friend of mine)

dmiller9274

If you agree to let your marriage be the source of a reality tv show, then you will probably be divorced in the following two years.

marriedfilingjointly

If you're a reg who says stuff like "you must have a lot of free time to x, y, and z on the boards," when you're online all day every day, then I roll my eyes at you. 

beatlesgirl25

If you keep whining about how broke you are and can't pay me back but are always getting the newest phone/media device, then I assume your priorities are out of order. And you're a crappy friend.

DodgersBride

If you have to contact every women that your H is friends with on FB and asked them why they requested him or why they wrote on his wall then you seriously are either insecure or have trust issues.

dmiller9274

If you wear Crocs, then I assume you are blind.

SarahPLiz

If you are in your 60s and still scam money off your dad for basic living expenses, but are always perfectly coiffed with the latest technology, I assume you are my mother's older sister, and I am glad you turned down my invitation to the wedding, because I don't want to see you anyway after what I learned from mom last night.  

eastunder1

if you bitch about being overweight but do nothing real to try to change it, I don't feel sorry for you. 

MISSCOURTNEY20

If you really think that I am going to put up with your ignorant ass child when you don't even want to deal with him, then you have another thing coming. Get ready to spend the day with his ass in room 237 on Thursday!!!

Blueyed228

If you drive a Subaru Outback (or Forrester) then I assume you cant drive.

If you attend Hemp Fest while 8 months pregnant and post it on FB and then get mad when people side-eye it, then I assume you are a trash bag.

If your excuse for not being able to attend my shower is that you cant get your lazy ass out of bed because you will be out late (8 months preg) the night before, then I think your an a-hole.

If you insist on having political arguements in my own home with me and your only information is what you heard on Bill Maher the night before, then I will think you are an idiot who should respect me while you are a guest here.

If you chew with your mouth open, then I will assume you were raised like a savage.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:b82bfa8b-681b-4a14-8979-8339be9e1a5c">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you drive a Subaru Outback (or Forrester) then I assume you cant drive. If you attend Hemp Fest while 8 months pregnant and post it on FB and then get mad when people side-eye it, then I assume you are a trash bag. If your excuse for not being able to attend my shower is that you cant get your lazy ass out of bed because you will be out late (8 months preg) the night before, then I think your an a-hole. If you insist on having political arguements in my own home with me and your only information is what you heard on Bill Maher the night before, then I will think you are an idiot who should respect me while you are a guest here. If you chew with your mouth open, then I will assume you were raised like a savage.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Shiit, Blue FTW :)

reddy123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:9f7ff6ef-e52c-4284-9d59-763d34823d93">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you wear Crocs, then I assume you are blind.
Posted by dmiller9274[/QUOTE]

<div>Along these lines, if you wear crocs and claim it's because you are a chef, you get a massive eye roll from me and I know you stand in one spot all day. </div>

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:2eec9d2d-c6be-4f27-8475-b42d56f8cc89">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: If.... Then : lol Sorry.  Yeah like you can buy watermelon, pineapple, melon all prepared for you in plastic containers.  It's really convenient but really, really stupid because it's like twice or three times more expensive than just buying the fruit and cutting it yourself.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Lol, no I know, I just laughed a little that this was part of the "you spend too much" you were getting at.  Not "You just bought a new car, IPhone, and designer bag". 

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

dmiller9274

If you think FI and I are stupid for having a wedding instead of eloping, then you can kiss my ass.  But feel free to still send a gift

slubkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:9f7ff6ef-e52c-4284-9d59-763d34823d93">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you wear Crocs, then I assume you are blind.
Posted by dmiller9274[/QUOTE]
I giggled when I read this.  FI HATES Crocs with a passion.  Also Ugg boots.

reddy123

If you tell people how to dress at your wedding expect them to do the opposite just to spite you.

If you throw away your cans, expect bums to be constantly rifling through our trash (neighbors).

If you don't teach your kid that mooning is wrong, shiit's gonna hit the fan when they get into kindergarten. (ex SIL)

If you don't teach your kid some manners, I will eventually lose my cool and wash his mouth out with soap. (ex SIL)

AllAboutTheBenjamin

If your kids are selfish, horribly behaved and disrespectful little assholes then I assume that you're a completely incompetent idiot who shouldn't have had any children to begin with.

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:714b743e-c84e-482e-8d4b-e5febc000c0d">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]BLUE! Who is your reality tv friend?
Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

My best friend and her husbad won season 2 of "Here Come the Newlyweds".  And are now in the middle of a messy divorce.

[Deleted User]

If you tell me or H one more time that we should have kids or buy a house then I am going to assume you are completely stupid and refuse to talk to you anymore.

If you tell my entire department that our writing sucks and needs to improve but can't produce actual examples of said bad work or examples of ways to improve, then I figure you thrive on making our entire team miserable to the point of depression.

If you feed a giraffe Skittles, then no question about it, you are ignorant and should be kicked in the throat.

MissDuke2012

If you want to complain about the the decisions we make concerning OUR wedding, then please, feel free to pay for it.


If I bust my a$$ all day at work and you sit around and talk, then don't expect me to help you finish up your work.


If you constantly post pictures of yourself (like 15-20 pictures a day) on FB, then I'm going to assume you don't have any friends.

LesPaul

If you are 46 years old, on your second divorce, have no savings, and think it's funny that everything you own can fit inside your car, then I'm going to assume you are an immature idiot who will never grow into a responsible adult person. 

Yes, I'm looking at you, ex-H.

pirategal03

If you are in the business of selling people things, and don't know what an "invoice" is, then I think you won't be in business very much longer. 

slubkin

If you don't read stickies and other forum posts here before asking your super-urgent-OMG-life-ending question that's been asked a billion times before, don't get all butthurt when people tell you to go read the stickies and responses to other forum posts or tell you you're being selfish or tacky.

If I see you putting on makeup and/or talking/texting on your phone while driving, then I will secretly hope that you get into an accident.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:dcf9d5ea-5ae1-4d25-90d0-b94d5f95ff61">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh - Beatles I agree!  I mean if she wants to spend her money the way she wants, great, she just shouldn't come whining to me about how she doesn't have any.  What the hell am I supposed to do, I'm not made of money either :)
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Exactly. It's lame to bitch about money when it's painfully clear that you put yourself in this position with your dumb choices. My friend that I was talking about owes me a couple hundred dollars from years ago, because she didn't have a bank account so I used to let her cash her checks through my bank. Well, our company got bought out and our last paycheck ended up void and having to be repaid through the former owner's personal account. So in that day or two of check limbo, she was able to get paid by cashing the old check through my account, but then the money never was deposited.

She kept putting off paying me because she couldn't make rent, etc. But every week she brags about ordering clothes and designer makeup and crap online, and takes yearly vacations to Vegas. She's still broke and dependent on everyone for money, but it drives me nuts. She's 28, btw. At this point, I've just kissed that money goodbye.

/rant

reddy123

ooo pirate, I just now realized how close you are getting to the big day

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:8de60af7-266a-4f48-b339-e0db30be176c">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't read stickies and other forum posts here before asking your super-urgent-OMG-life-ending question that's been asked a billion times before, don't get all butthurt when people tell you to go read the stickies and responses to other forum posts or tell you you're being selfish or tacky.<strong> If I see you putting on makeup and/or talking/texting on your phone while driving, then I will secretly hope that you get into an accident.</strong>
Posted by slubkin[/QUOTE]

A fellow road raging bitch, I see.  It's nice to be in good company :)

If I see people texting while driving, I want to roll down my window and yell "MY BROTHER WAS KILLED BY A TEENAGER WHO WAS TEXTING" except that's not true.  I don't even have a brother.  I just want to envoke shame on those pricks.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:25c38d57-e3a4-4e9a-9c00-2677390f6f2a">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you tell me or H one more time that we should have kids or buy a house then I am going to assume you are completely stupid and refuse to talk to you anymore. If you tell my entire department that our writing sucks and needs to improve but can't produce actual examples of said bad work or examples of ways to improve, then I figure you thrive on making our entire team miserable to the point of depression. If you feed a giraffe Skittles, then no question about it, you are ignorant and should be kicked in the throat.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

GirCandy?

slubkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:8f91b9c0-7130-4af1-8bab-03e37ee3ca72">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: If.... Then : A fellow road raging bitch, I see.  It's nice to be in good company :) If I see people texting while driving, I want to roll down my window and yell "MY BROTHER WAS KILLED BY A TEENAGER WHO WAS TEXTING" except that's not true.  I don't even have a brother.  I just want to envoke shame on those pricks.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
LOL!  That's a good idea.  I might shout at someone for you.  :)

jemmini6

If you cut me off in the fast lane of freeway just to go 10 miles under the speed limit, then don't act offended when I go around you (and possibly flip you off....yes, I have slight road rage)

If you steal money out of my wedding account to pay for beer and cigarettes, then don't be surprised that you won't be walking me down the aisle at my wedding (<--dad)

marriedfilingjointly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6938e052-901f-4ea5-b451-b03848f20f3ePost:595132a1-289a-4817-8d7d-4d6b8ef17b51">Re: If.... Then</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are in the business of selling people things, and don't know what an "invoice" is, then I think you won't be in business very much longer. 
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

Story please!

If you refer to your babies as your little "miracles," I will assume that abstinence-only sex education has failed you.