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Momzilla

I am getting married on May 1, 2011.  We booked the venue on May 1 of this year.  It was decided then that we would not have kids other than the 2 in the bridal party (my DD and my nephew) because of the the amount of kids ages 2-8 that my family/friends have (20 kids).  Yesterday my mom tells me that she is inviting my cousins' kids.  (4 in total ages 2-9 by the time the wedding comes).  I told her no because we already discussed this and I am  not inviting those kids and not inviting the kids of my wedding party because I think that's rude.

 She said she is paying so she decides.  I know she is right about the paying thing so FI and I have to make a decision.  (I do not want to make this thread a debate about kids or no kids because I'm sure we can find 6 other threads on that subject).

 I want to know if we should let my mom have her way and invite these four kids or stand our ground and postpone the wedding?

Re: Momzilla

  • I say that if you want to do it your way, then you pay for the wedding.  So long as your mom is paying I feel she has a right to have input.
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  • She pays = kids coming

    If you really want NO children, postpone the wedding until you both can pay for it..

    I do have to say my DH has a very large family many with small children, as much as I thought it was going to be a disaster they all came and were precious, had a blast just as much as the adults did. I didn't even notice them.
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  • I do think it's rude to invite kids selectively (either WP kids only or no kids at all, in my book). I know some people disagree, but it seems like you have the same concern I do. Perhaps tell your mom that you feel that people would be upset if you told them it was a no kids wedding and then they got there and there were kids. Is she prepared to foot the bill for all 20 kids?
    If you want no kids,then you have to wait until you can pay for it yourself, unfortunately.
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  • Ultimately, the choice is yours.  What do you want to do?

    It seems dramatic that you are willing to postpone your wedding over inviting 4 children, but something tells me that this may just be the hair that broke the camels back.  

    Even brides who are paying for thier own weddings have family choices pushed on them, so paying for your own wedding does not completely free you from mandated from family members.   However, it does give you the final say. 

    My suggestion is to try to talk this out with your mom and find a solution.  If this doesn't work, and if you feel strongly about planning the wedding that YOU want, I would agree with postponing it. 


  • Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants (this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame).

    In this case, it would be rude to invite only those kids and not anyone else's. It would offend people if you say "your kids can't come, but these can." Unless your mom is willing to pay for ALL kids to come, then I say stand your ground. Or, if she won't budge, then pay for it yourself and make sure the guest list is 100% in your control.

  • I get not wanting young children at the wedding because we feel the same way.  But if you're worried about it being rude to only invite certain children, why don't you address it with you mom about inviting the children of the wedding party so it doesn't seem rude.  Yeah, you're going to have more kids but at least you won't appear rude.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:4d55e568-9449-43f4-a232-95c5bdd2812b">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants (this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame). In this case,<strong> it would be rude to invite only those kids and not anyone else's. It would offend people if you say "your kids can't come, but these can.</strong>" Unless your mom is willing to pay for ALL kids to come, then I say stand your ground. Or, if she won't budge, then pay for it yourself and make sure the guest list is 100% in your control.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly what I was thinking.  How do I pick out of a group that is so close in age and the ones who would be excluded based on what my mom said all call me aunt.  If we were going to invite all these kids to the wedding we would not have booked the country club.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:6312e5e6-8c6f-49ea-9bc6-714425f52029">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get not wanting young children at the wedding because we feel the same way.  But if you're worried about it being rude to only invite certain children, why don't you address it with you mom about inviting the children of the wedding party so it doesn't seem rude.  Yeah, you're going to have more kids but at least you won't appear rude.
    Posted by shaydenise[/QUOTE]

    The venue is really not set up for kids.  I was planning on hiring a babysitter my DD and nephew.  But with 20 kids there is no place to have a sitter (sitters with that many kids) entertain them. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:14181e45-75a2-481a-bf50-89fdc94d2319">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momzilla : The venue is really not set up for kids.  I was planning on hiring a babysitter my DD and nephew.  But with 20 kids there is no place to have a sitter (sitters with that many kids) entertain them. 
    Posted by mrscarter052011[/QUOTE]


    Then I guess I'm in the minority and say stand your ground on the subject and don't postpone.   Yeah she's paying but it's still Your FI and your wedding.
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  • She wants these four kids because they are my first cousins kids.  I don't know where this is coming from because the kid issue was decided months ago. 

    We are going to her house tonight for dinner so we'll discuss it.  FI and I are united on standing our ground even if that means postponing the wedding.   
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:4d55e568-9449-43f4-a232-95c5bdd2812b">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants (this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame).<strong> In this case, it would be rude to invite only those kids and not anyone else's. It would offend people if you say "your kids can't come, but these can." Unless your mom is willing to pay for ALL kids to come, then I say stand your ground. Or, if she won't budge, then pay for it yourself and make sure the guest list is 100% in your control.</strong>
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]


    Ditto this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:4d55e568-9449-43f4-a232-95c5bdd2812b">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants (this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame).
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this 100%.  Hopefully tonight you can convince her that inviting only certain children is rude, and your other guests will be offended.  However, the only way I can see this working is if you invite only family children.  How many children would that be?  And is she willing to pay for all of those?
  • Thank you all. I was afraid that I was being a biotch but this was discussed months ago and then she changes it now?  Ugh.  I'm going to make a list of all the kids and total what that would cost and bring that to her tonight to see if it will sway her at all. 

    Also, just inviting the kids who are family would be a total of 6 (4 cousins, my dd and nephew)  So that's not a lot of kids but the problem is excluding my closest friends' kids bothers me.  Especially because those are the kids that call me 'aunt'.  We didn't want to pick and choose so that is why we discussed this months ago.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:4d55e568-9449-43f4-a232-95c5bdd2812b">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, <strong>but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants </strong>(this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame). In this case, it would be rude to invite only those kids and not anyone else's. It would offend people if you say "your kids can't come, but these can." Unless your mom is willing to pay for ALL kids to come, then I say stand your ground. Or, if she won't budge, then pay for it yourself and make sure the guest list is 100% in your control.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
    While I agree that holding the purse strings should not entitle the payer to complete say over what happens, that is an ideal.  The reality is that whoever is paying can pull their financial assistance if you don't chose to go along with what they say.  So while I agree with the bolded part, that does not mean that that's how it works.  No matter how you look at it maintaining complete control, while not paying the bill, is an ideal.

    The rest I agree with, though.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:605098f1-80a1-4e47-bc72-f089eb757cd1">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momzilla : While I agree that holding the purse strings should not entitle the payer to complete say over what happens, that is an ideal.  The reality is that whoever is paying can pull their financial assistance if you don't chose to go along with what they say.  So while I agree with the bolded part, that does not mean that that's how it works.  No matter how you look at it maintaining complete control, while not paying the bill, is an ideal. The rest I agree with, though.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I agree it's an ideal. It hardly ever seems to work out that way and I'm amazed by the stories on here about parents being so controlling and making their kid's wedding all about them. I'd fight for control, but would still resort to paying for the wedding myself rather than give in on something I feel very strongly about.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:8576b069-e1e5-4941-a5d9-b6246b955705">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]She pays = kids coming If you really want NO children, postpone the wedding until you both can pay for it.Posted by brhinkle[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6af9e2a6-3f1f-4f00-8f43-c62345673a13Post:4d55e568-9449-43f4-a232-95c5bdd2812b">Re: Momzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most people will join the "she pays, she gets it her way" train, but personally I don't agree with that. It's not her wedding, she should consider what you and your FI want instead of making it about what she wants (this is my unpopular opinion, feel free to flame). In this case, it would be rude to invite only those kids and not anyone else's. It would offend people if you say "your kids can't come, but these can." Unless your mom is willing to pay for ALL kids to come, then I say stand your ground. Or, if she won't budge, then pay for it yourself and make sure the guest list is 100% in your control.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you in theory, Seshat.  BUT on of my first job was as a catering assistant at a hotel.  And there was a feud between the FIL who was paying and the bride.  FIL showed up and demaned to see the contract, what was being served, how many people, etc. because he was paying.  We HAD to show it to him.  He was the client even though the event for someone else.  The bride ended up cancelling the entire event (which was reinstated the next day) to get her ILs out of it.

    This is an extreme example and one reason why FI and I are paying for our own (much smaller) wedding.  Just be mentally prepared for possible craziness.  Good luck!
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  • We are only inviting the kids we have a very close relationship with - more siblings than cousins, for the most part.  Maybe I missed this, but have you asked if there is a particular reason she wants these kids to come?

    If she's paying, she's hosting, and it'll be her as much as you guys that looks rude if only certain kids are allowed to come.

    Would your wedding party even WANT their kids to come?  For FSIL's wedding, most of the parents were only too happy to have a reason to leave their kids home for the night.
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