This took me all of a half an hour on my slow as hell work day. Lawdy do I get on a roll when I'm bored.
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AllAboutTheBenjamin
Research Paper
LessThanZero
01/06/11
Useless as Tits on a Bull: Or Not?
The phrase comes up in an angry rant in which the thrower of the phrase wishes to insult his victim: “You’re as useless as tits on a bull.” But the all important question remains; do bulls even have tits? Furthermore, if a bull does in fact have tits, would they really be deemed as useless as one would believe?
To examine this question, let us first turn to Urban Dictionary (as accessed on January 6, 2011, at 3:41 pm Central Daylight Time). Two entries in Urban Dictionary support the claim that tits on bulls would be useless. This entry supports the claim that bulls DO have tits; “tits are not used on a bull because bulls do not produce milk. they are still there though. ‘a person that cannot do their job properly may be referred to as useless as tits on a bull.’” The next entry, while not addressing the question of whether or not bull tits are real, does address their apparent uselessness; “Extremely useless, to the point of absurdity. Used when extremely frustrated. ‘Darn it, the screws are stripped. These are as useless as tits on a bull!’”
Wikipedia’s Wiktionary (as accessed on January 6, 2011 at 3:55 pm Central Daylight Time)lists the phrase “useless as tits on a bull” among several other Australian English colloquial similes, such as “mad as a cut snake,” “built like a brick shiit house,” “busy as a cat burying shiit,” “slow as a wet wig,” or “off like a bucket of prawns in the noonday sun.” However none of these phrases led to any conclusions about the notion of useless tits on bulls.
This is where we turn to cew515, a regular poster on theknot.com’s Snarky Brides message board, who may be able to shine some light on the subject (as accessed on January 6, 2011, at 3:59 pm Central Daylight Time). According to cew515, “more people would go to that running of the bulls thing if the bulls had tits.” This statement leads us to believe that bulls do NOT have tits, but that if they did, people would turn out in droves to witness them – which, could prove to be a useful form of entertainment. However in another statement made on the same website by cew515, we are led to believe differently: “I bet a bull would kick you real hard if you tried to touch its tits.” cew515 alludes to the assumption that if you attempt to grope a bull’s useless tits, you could suffer several broken ribs.
When consulting youtube.com (as accessed on January 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm Central Daylight Time) to answer this pressing question, it was found to be… well… About as useless as tits on a bull:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kYQ7lmCM9g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V55s8Qr98OA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfOtZzV7C4k
Since one of these sources is not like the other and I am only doing this because I’m bored as shiit at work, it is my bachelor’s degree in communication that qualifies me to confirm the statement of cew515 that bulls DO have tits, they ARE in fact useful, and that if anyone wants to get fresh with one they will surely suffer grave injury and a subsequent addiction to pain medication.
So the next time someone tells you that you’re “as useless as tits on a bull,” remember the wise words of cew515, direct that someone to the nearest rodeo, and dare them to touch the bull’s fun bags.
Bibliography
www.theknot.com; Community; Snarky Brides; user: cew515; thread: “I’m feeling festy and lovey,” Page 7, January 6, 2011, 3:59 pm.
www.urbandictionary.com; “as useless as tits on a bull,” January 6, 2011, at 3:41 pm.
www.wikipedia.com; Wiktionary: Australian English colloquial similes, January 6, 2011 at 3:55 pm.
www.youtube.com; “as useless as tits on a bull,” “Useless as tits on a bull…” “joe hockey on lateline,” and “Dandeh Moose Rap," January 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm.