Future MIL

ncole30

Ok I have been really laid back for my entire wedding planning process but not anymore!!!!

I had my dress fitting yesterday and invited OUT OF COURTESY my FMIL!! Well when she got there she was VERY rude and yelled at me because according to her " I have been waiting here all day" Um no but ok. then she didn't even speak!!! And when I say didn't speak I mean to NO ONE!! Not me, my mother, or my bridesmaid. In fact the people at the bridal store didn't even know we knew each other!!!! :[ Then when she buys a dress ( that doesn't MATCH anything) she comes to the dressing room and states " well it looks better _ BYE just as nasty as she could. Now I am trying TRYING to be nice but I'm about to explode. Any suggestions??? My future husband tells me to overlook it or address it but I really don't think he wants me to address it - she wont like either of us. Help please - gotta get her on a leash or something

ncole30

So I should let her bad behavior continue?  I mean she was very loud and rude at Davids - and I was pissed as well as embarrased. We are having a late wedding and I told her what other dresses people were wearing - she is goign to stand out with her short dress when everyone else is wearing long. I guess I should just be thankful that my future husband and she are not close. THANK GOD!!

SarahM2012

Let her wear what she wants.  Like ILoveMilkDuds said pick your battles.  You dont need more drama or fuel to the fire. You didnt do her a favor by inviting her. She is going to be who she is, you can't change that.

ohwhynot

Her behavior at David's is over - there's no point in rehashing it now.  And I kind of don't understand how "she didn't say a word to anyone" and "her behavior was very loud and rude" go together - how could she have been rude & loud and simultaneously not saying a word? 

In any event, IF in the future she treats you rudely, stand up for yourself then. 

As for her dress, a short dress is perfectly acceptable for an evening wedding.  That one is definitely NOT your call.  She gets to dress as she sees fit. 

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:5d4c8df4-4236-4c09-98bb-164a929f14ee">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]So I should let her bad behavior continue?  I mean she was very loud and rude at Davids - and I was pissed as well as embarrased. We are having a late wedding and I told her what other dresses people were wearing - <strong>she is goign to stand out with her short dress when everyone else is wearing long.</strong> I guess I should just be thankful that my future husband and she are not close. THANK GOD!!
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

Actually, probably not. Guests usually don't pay attention to these things. If your FMIL wore a potato sack to the wedding, people would judge your FMIL's fashion sense, not yours or your wedding. These things really don't matter.

Pick your battles. Kill her with kindness. You don't have much of a choice. If you're ridiculously nice to someone hateful, they eventually feel guilty and loosen up a bit. Give it a try. It won't hurt.

lu27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:5d4c8df4-4236-4c09-98bb-164a929f14ee">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]So I should let her bad behavior continue?  I mean she was very loud and rude at Davids - and I was pissed as well as embarrased. We are having a late wedding and I told her what other dresses people were wearing - she is goign to stand out with her short dress when everyone else is wearing long. I guess I should just be thankful that my future husband and she are not close. THANK GOD!!
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

If you and your FI aren't close to her than why do you care? If it's really bothering the two of you, then he should call her and (nicely) ask what is going on.

Also, in regard to her dress... it's not for you to say what she wears. Be happy she likes what she is wearing and is comfortable in it.  

betrothed123

Don;t expect to "get her on a leash."  She's not going to change.  That is who she is.  If you marry her son, and he wants to maintain a relationship with her, you're going to have to learn to live with it.  She does sound childish, but there's not much you can do about it.

ILMD is right in that she doesn't have to match anything, so I'm not sure where you're coming from there at all

ncole30

When I say she didnt speak I meant after her outburst. And I checked on how both mothers should dress and if the MOB wears a floor length then so should MOG. They should flow with the over all feel of the wedding. Hers does not. I approved my own mothers dress and she shouldnt be any different. She is not his mother I should state that as well she is his step mother. She is also rude all the time but I really wanted to make her feel included but it wont happen again. She is just argh!!! She did this Sunday and then the week before didnt even attempt to come to bridal shower. Im just not sure at this point I ever want to see or talk to her. like My parents have NEVER acted like this to someone I care about - Not sure she has ever liked a GF of his past but geez - grow up. It just bothers me!

[Deleted User]

Light her on fire and then run away.

ohwhynot

Okay, now you, yourself, are verging into unreasonable territory.  You are just plain wrong about whether your FMIL has to fit into the overall flow of your wedding.  Get over that.  Seriously, NO ONE will care.  No one.  You didn't have to approve your own mother's attire and you don't have to approve your FMIL's. 

If she was rude to you at the store, you should have said something then. 

MarriedInAFever

Put her in a home.

betrothed123

Well if she's just his Step Mother I think you can just hire a hit man

What you read is wrong.  You don't have to approve their mother's dress, nor do you have to approve any other guest's attire.  The only say you get to have in attire is your own and your BMs.

The tradition of the MOG (or SMOG) matching the MOB is outdated as well.  It doens't matter what the heck any of them wear, as long as they are happy and comfortable.

ncole30

I "approved" everyones dress that was in or part of the wedding party and this is just my thing. I have seen HORRIBLE dresses and Im sorry lets not act like we havent talked about what someone is wearing. And yes sometimes I would like to run away or move her! hahaha

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:25eb45d0-ad77-4d06-a77f-2804c08796ab">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I "approved" everyones dress that was in or part of the wedding party</strong> and this is just my thing. I have seen HORRIBLE dresses and Im sorry lets not act like we havent talked about what someone is wearing. And yes sometimes I would like to run away or move her! hahaha
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]
This is not okay.  I'm beginning to think you're completely exaggerating your FMIL's behavior, and that you are the one who's a bit out there, let alone very controlling.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:25eb45d0-ad77-4d06-a77f-2804c08796ab">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I "approved" everyones dress that was in or part of the wedding party and this is just my thing. I have seen HORRIBLE dresses and Im sorry lets not act like we havent talked about what someone is wearing. And yes sometimes I would like to run away or move her! hahaha
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

So, what if they get talked about? It's not you, so why do you care? You're stepping into overcontrolling territory, IMO.

ohwhynot

Your mother and his mother are not part of the wedding party. 

I'm feeling the same way Bethrothed is feeling:  I am starting to get the distinct impression that you are the unreasonable one.  Maybe there's a reason your fmil isn't all that fond of you. 

tiffersnc

I agree with PPs. You're really overstepping here. You don't get to "approve" MOB and MOG outfits. They get to wear what they want to wear to the wedding. You should be more concerned that she be comfortable. There's nothing wrong with short dresses and long dresses being mixed together in photos. 

Take a chill pill. You're BIG TIME overreacting. 

redheadfsu

I agree, "approved" is the wrong idea. You should have helped her pick out a dress IF she wanted you too. Get over the dress issue.

You said she yelled that she was waiting. Were you at all late? Even a few minutes is rude. She should not have yelled, but if you were late then I can understand her bad mood. Sounds like you dislike her already, so you may not be an innocent party here. In the future just try to kill her with kindness and let this go.

Jelenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:7e6b9f72-5606-4c93-b201-3df51b020346">Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I have been really laid back for my entire wedding planning process but not anymore!!!! I had my dress fitting yesterday and invited <strong>OUT OF COURTESY my FMIL</strong>!! Well when she got there she was <strong>VERY rude and yelled at me</strong> because according to her " I have been waiting here all day" Um no but ok. then <strong>she didn't even speak</strong>!!! And when I say <strong>didn't speak I mean to NO ONE!! Not me, my mother, or my bridesmaid.</strong> In fact the people at the bridal store didn't even know we knew each other!!!! :[ Then when she buys a dress ( that doesn't MATCH anything) she comes to the dressing room and states " well it looks better _ BYE just as nasty as she could. Now I am trying TRYING to be nice but I'm about to explode. Any suggestions??? My future husband tells me to overlook it or address it but I really don't think he wants me to address it - she wont like either of us. Help please - gotta get her on a leash or something
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

you make it seem like you did HER a favor....maybe she didn't want to come and felt obligated?

you say she yelled at you but then didn't speak to anyone....doesn't all seem to fit

I have a hard time believing this falls just on her shoulders - seems like you have very high expectations for people involved with the wedding that are to cater to you

ncole30

redheadfsu - no i was not late in fact I was there 20 minutes early. I walked around as I had a bridesmaid that was there as well getting her dress fitted to so no I was not late.

And Im sorry if you feel I'm over reacting but I have explained to everyone how I feel about the dresses. I let my bridemaids pick their own dresses as long as it was what I wanted. FLOOR length and the same color. I didnt pick their shoes hair or anything else but Im not going to let people head down looking like crap sorry - not gonna happen. I have to look at my pictures and I would like it to all flow. And I invited her as she hinted she would like to see my dress - Either way her behavior was unwarrented and if she would have let me finish with my appointment I woudl have loved to help her however she did not. She waited til I was busy to pick her dress

I guess its easy to think that Im the bad person - But you have to think for a minute how it would make you feel if you had set limits and they werent followed. I just think that whatever issue she has - she should talk to me and not treat me harshly in public. My mom and bridesmaids see no problem with what I asked and in fact my MOH said that she did the same thing - I checked before I asked and both the dresses should flow together - if you do not believe me google it.

[Deleted User]

I think you are setting yourself up for a good old fashioned mental breakdown if you're going to get yourself all wound up over this crap.

betrothed123

You're one of those types of people that believes everything they read, aren't you?

When your expectations are that unreasonable you don't have any room to be upset when people don't fall in line.

Of course your mom agrees with you.  she's your mom and you're the bride.  she probably also knows that you can be hell on earth if she even thinks of complaining.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:55efdf1b-9bb6-467e-9cc5-6bf6f1aa3430">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]redheadfsu - no i was not late in fact I was there 20 minutes early. I walked around as I had a bridesmaid that was there as well getting her dress fitted to so no I was not late. And Im sorry if you feel I'm over reacting but I have explained to everyone how I feel about the dresses. I let my bridemaids pick their own dresses as long as it was what I wanted. FLOOR length and the same color. I didnt pick their shoes hair or anything else but Im not going to let people head down looking like crap sorry - not gonna happen. I have to look at my pictures and I would like it to all flow. And I invited her as she hinted she would like to see my dress - Either way her behavior was unwarrented and if she would have let me finish with my appointment I woudl have loved to help her however she did not. She waited til I was busy to pick her dress I guess its easy to think that Im the bad person - But you have to think for a minute how it would make you feel if you had set limits and they werent followed. I just think that whatever issue she has - she should talk to me and not treat me harshly in public. My mom and bridesmaids see no problem with what I asked and in fact my MOH said that she did the same thing - I checked before I asked and both the dresses should flow together - if you do not believe me google it.
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

Yes, because everything you read on the internet is 100% correct. Sorry for the tone, but I & the rest of us know how to google. Thanks.

But yes this WAS tradition. The MOB picked first. The <strong>MOB </strong>then told the MOG what she bought and coordinated what the MOG should buy. But, this is an outdated tradition that many don't follow. Remember this type of tradition dates back to the parents picking your husband and planning your wedding.

You were not crazy unreasonable or anything. But, if we think it is a little over the top maybe your FMIL did too. But, really you need to put this in perspective. You are acting like your FMIL declared WWIII because she picked out her own dress that she paid for. Just let it go.

ncole30

Um no actually betrothed123 I'm not a mean person at all. I didn't pick an expensive dress but the only thing I asked is that it be the same length. WOW who am I for that? She hadn't even looked for a dress and was ugly. This isn't the first time its just the time that kind of pushed me over the edge. I don't believe everything I read - but I know that the dresses should flow. I have been very laid back for my wedding again I didn't pick a dress for the BM they could pick one as long as it was the same color and floor length. And my mom also knows that etiquette states the dresses should match if the MOB wears short so should MOG vise versa but the real issue is her being rude and ugly - again this isnt the first time.

[Deleted User]

No! Not the Um! I hate the Um.

lisalou402

Look, she has the right to want something, but the FMIL also has the right to do what she wants!

My FMIL did it through the phone, but she also looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my head.

FMIL: What color should i wear?
Me: I don't care, i just wante you to be comfortable and happy
FMIL: I have two jackets, on is beige and glittery and the other is fuscia.
Me: well, which one do you like better
FMIL:well, what's your theme
Me: I have no theme
FMIL:  no theme?

I have been amazed at the things I don't reallyl care about.  What color she wears...really not important.  But for other brides it is.

My theme was simply "me and FI are getting married"...that's the theme!

catemeg

Okay, listen.  How would you feel if your Mom told you that she had to approve your wedding dresst?  Would you be a little annoyed?  Would you feel that no one really had a right to tell you what to wear?  That's probably how your FMIL feels.  I wouldn't take too kindly to having someone tell me that they had to "approve" my dress.  Bridesmaids, fine.  MOG? Nope.

For what it's worth, my boyfriend isn't particularly close with his Mom, either.  And to her own daughter's wedding, she wore a strapless silk sheath dress that clung to everything, and apparently spend the whole reception getting wasted and "droppin it like it's hot".  And you know what?  I don't care if she wears the same dress and acts the same way.  Sure, I'd prefer she dress more conservatively and act more responsibly, but you know what?  It won't affect me.  Anyone who thinks worse of me and my guy and our wedding because of what his mother wore and acted like is ridiculous.  Just be grateful that you don't have to deal with her more often since he's not a "mommas boy", and take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's only so much you can control, and a lot that isn't worth worrying about.  Certainly having a knee-length dress is not something that is going to cause a big fuss from anyone.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:55efdf1b-9bb6-467e-9cc5-6bf6f1aa3430">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]And Im sorry if you feel I'm over reacting but I have explained to everyone how I feel about the dresses.<strong> I let my bridemaids pick their own dresses as long as it was what I wanted.</strong>
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

ROFL!!

Jelenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-mil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:73f124ee-9714-4d35-a032-fc3c0bfb9385Post:55efdf1b-9bb6-467e-9cc5-6bf6f1aa3430">Re: Future MIL</a>:
[QUOTE]redheadfsu - no i was not late in fact I was there 20 minutes early. I walked around as I had a bridesmaid that was there as well getting her dress fitted to so no I was not late. And Im sorry if you feel I'm over reacting but I have explained to everyone how I feel about the dresses. I let my bridemaids pick their own dresses as long as it was what I wanted. FLOOR length and the same color. I didnt pick their shoes hair or anything else but Im not going to let people head down looking like crap sorry - not gonna happen. I have to look at my pictures and I would like it to all flow. And I invited her as she hinted she would like to see my dress - Either way her behavior was unwarrented and if she would have let me finish with my appointment I woudl have loved to help her however she did not. She waited til I was busy to pick her dress I guess its easy to think that Im the bad person - <strong>But you have to think for a minute how it would make you feel if you had set limits and they werent followed</strong>. I just think that whatever issue she has - she should talk to me and not treat me harshly in public. <strong>My mom and bridesmaids see no problem with what I asked and in fact my MOH said that she did the same thing</strong> - I checked before I asked and both the dresses should flow together - if you do not believe me google it.
Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]


to play devils advocate:

say you are in a wedding and you were given limits that someone felt were completely fine - like black shoes....well one thing leads to another it's not back shoes closed toe, no more than a 2 inch heel...then add on it can only be from this store....but it was a limit of a simple black shoe right? your limits may be totally fine to you but may not be to others...

other people set limits of how people should look on "THEIR" day....again limits set by you that may seem completely rational but really may not be to everyone else...ie my brother's wife wanted people not to clash with the reception hall to her that was completely rational and within limits, but let's be real here...eventually she was ::sob:: defeated (pink and brown....and you cant tell guests what colors to wear or not to wear)

also even though your mom and BP agreed - IF (only given what I know) they didn't agree how would you treat them?  a lot of MOB have the blinders on that "their daughter does NO wrong.." and BP members may just agree because it is a lot easier and less stressful than not...

again just playing devils advocate....

banana468

It's one thing to set limits on your BMs attire.

You have NO business setting limits or "approving" the attire of the moms.  These are grown women and they're in charge of how they look.  Yes, there is a VERY old school etiquette rule that the MOG coordinates with the MOB but there's also the rule that no child tells her parent or parent in law how to dress.  You need to let that go or you'll have jumped from angry bride into full-on bridezilla.

And I'm not saying that the woman sounds fantastic, but you need to let this go if it was just an isolated incident.

katiewhompus

Methinks you are a bit of a control freak, no?

Let this incident go and move on to something more important. It is not worth stressing yourself out over something like attire. You also have no business telling someone what to wear, even if it is "your day". I promise you no one will notice, and if they do it will reflect poorly on her and not you.

Did your fmil know you were in the store 20 minutes early? I could see you getting there 20 minutes early but not being in the front of the store, her getting there 20 minutes early and waiting out front and then complaining that you were late because she didn't know you were inside.