Annoying mom strikes again...

AllAboutTheBenjamin

WR - invitations, specifically.

She wants the return addresses on our invitations to be her address, which, I don't really care about.  But she wants the RSVPs to go to her house too.

Her argument is that since I live in an apartment (and apparently don't check my mail every day?) my mail box isn't adequate for the incoming RSVPs.  I on the other hand would like them to come to my apartment so I can open them and work on who's coming, what they're eating, etc.

She says that since I'll be coming home often (she lives three hours away), she won't open any of them, so I'll get to do them when I get there.  But then I miss out on the fun of them arriving (I'm not that into wedding planning... but some things, I'm excited about) and have to open a mess of them every week when I get home instead of a few every day.

I know I should just drop it, and I will.  But... yeah.  I'm just annoyed again.

MarriedInAFever

She's hosting though, right?

betrothed123

Yup, I'm with MILF.  Who's hosting the event?

jennylove810

FWIW, my RSPVs are coming to my apt.
And a girlfriend of mine who got married this past Friday, her parents hosted but the rsvps went to her apt, too.
Ehhh you know your mom best, and you know what battles are worth picking, but I'd want the rsvps to come to me.

betrothed123

I had my RSVPs sent to my parents' because the mail delivery wasn't very reliable at my apartment complex.  We hosted the event, but I wasn't going to take the chance.  If my parents had been hosting they would have issued the invitations and therefore would have received the RSVPs.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Yeah, she is.  Which in the grand scheme of things means that everything goes her way.  But it's annoying to me that she won't open any of them and then leave the work for me when I get home.  If they were coming to my place, then it wouldn't matter.

Maybe this makes me a horrible person, but my mother is so bizarre that even the littlest things she does that most people wouldn't ever even notice bug the absolute shiit out of me.

She was really, really particular about the invitation wording and when I said okay, let's talk about this, what wording do you want?  She replies "Well, look it up on the internet."  My reasoning is you can't wave your hands about wanting something a specific way and then say "well just go online, it's all there!" 

[Deleted User]

I agree with Jenny, some things are special to you and if this is one of them, then your mom should understand. I'm not of the mindset that whoever is hosting gets to call every single shot. You'd think parents would consider what their kid wants rather than make sure everything is done their way, and their way only.

If you're the one working on the guest list, organizing the meals, etc, then they should come to you anyway.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Lol no MilkDuds - she's like this about everything.  Last night she asked me if I had bought stationery yet to write out everyone's job description.  Whose job description?

"Oh you know, the maid of honor and bridesmaids and..." 

Ugh.

reddy123

I had them go to my mom's, it was the one thing I let her 'have', although I feel like I missed out. 

 If she's letting you open them I don't see the big deal. My mom on the other hand, would email me maybe once a week with a list like this "Mr and Mrs Smith- no, Mr and Mrs. Black- yes,.... etc. etc.". It was really annoying not to hear the explanations or notes with the no's, and I wanted to rip my hair out with how little she cared about telling me, "I have to let a few gather before I email you".

I say screw tradition and have them go to your house.

npasquale16

I know everyone says money=strings and that you have to give people input if they're paying and I do understand that mindset.  At the same time, I think that if a parent offers to pay, they are doing it because they love their child and want him/her to have the best day possible.  For this reason, I don't really understand why some parents get super-controlling over WR things.  I get that they're paying, but I think (hope) that if I were in the position, I would offer guidance, but not dictate what does or does not happen. 

Kudos to you, AATB, for handling everything with your usual patience and grace.  It's almost here. 

NuggetBrain

I have to say, getting to open my mailbox each day and see those little RSVP envelopes and opening them with Noodle were pretty freaking exciting.  Probably my favorite part of the wedding planning.  I'd be royally PO'd if my mom tried to bogart that.

jennylove810

Seshat and I see eye-to-eye on many things.

It also kinda seems like the type of thing that you wouldn't want to look at just once a week when you make the 3 hour trek home.  I'm assuming that's the only time you'd work on menu list, seating chart, etc?  I'd want to work on that every night - could get daunting if you let those rsvps pile up for a whole week.

Good luck.. sounds like you have the patience of a saint.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

My patience is hit and miss.  I can do really, really well for a very long time until one day I just crack over something really small and insignificant, and end up crying like a child for a half hour.  ...My sanity sounds pretty fragile after reading that.

But really - I'm going to just let it go because there are worse things that can happen.  Doesn't mean I can't be annoyed and silently curse her, though...

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:51943469-7ec3-4deb-96b7-15b82595ce08">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to say, getting to open my mailbox each day and see those little RSVP envelopes and opening them with Noodle were pretty freaking exciting.  Probably my favorite part of the wedding planning.  I'd be royally PO'd if my mom tried to bogart that.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

This! But I understand if your mom is hosting that maybe she gets the say so? IDK.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:b4333740-c4be-43c4-add5-cc7f66c2dd2e">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Annoying mom strikes again... : This! But I understand if your mom is hosting that maybe she gets the say so? IDK.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

I see it this way - since she and my dad (and Ben's folks!) are hosting, then I see no problem with the return addresses on the main invitations being my parents address.

But I do reserve the right to be annoyed that she wants the RSVPs to come to her house, when she has no plans to open them.  Amen.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:ab65a4e1-5499-4975-b416-517e3a7c9327">Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]Her argument is that since I live in an apartment (and apparently don't check my mail every day?) my mail box isn't adequate for the incoming RSVPs. 
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

We sent 160 invitations, if every RSVP came back the same day, they would have fit in our apartment mailbox all at the same time (even with a few bills in there).  I know you and your mom have struggled with this invitation thing, but if this is her only argument for her address, it's not a very good one.  If her argument is because she's hosting they should go there, that's harder to disagree with. 

I think that this is a relatively small thing though.  If you're really going to be able to get the RSVPs to have a headcount in a reasonable amount of time, I don't think it's a big deal.  (even though it's annoying)

betrothed123

Hosting =/= paying.  Hosting is the person who will be issuing invitations, receiving RSVPs, and is responsible for the guests throughout the event.

kpwedkk

Give your mom a spreadsheet, so that she can check off who is RSVPing, etc... that way she can give an accurate counts to vendors when it comes due.

If she can't handle that kind of responsibility, or doesn't want to be out of the loop, let her know you can do it... but it sounds like she's trying to take a load off your shoulders,so let her

Blueyed228

My RSVP's are going to my parents house.  They are paying for a big chunk of the wedding and are hosting the event. 

I dont have a problem with it since she lives 10 min away.  Plus I am so disorganized that I would probably lose them.  Its just easier for me since I know she will keep things organized and in order.  She has some system she developed from my sisters wedding, lol.

Shaye526

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:51943469-7ec3-4deb-96b7-15b82595ce08">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I have to say, getting to open my mailbox each day and see those little RSVP envelopes and opening them with Noodle were pretty freaking exciting.  </strong>Probably my favorite part of the wedding planning.  I'd be royally PO'd if my mom tried to bogart that.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Even though I have a ways to go, I am so looking forward to this.

ehathewa

The RSVPs are going to my mom's house.  She calls me every night and tells me who RSVP'd and I put it into the knot.  It is fun to do it together even though we are 4 hours apart

skippylouwho

DDs RSVPs are coming to me. I open them every day.  I created an Excel sheet  where I keep track of them. I email her every day and tell her who accepted, who declined, the total # of acceptances, total number of declines for the date and total for the whole thing.

As far as the cards themselves. Each card has a number on the back then a dash and a second number. The 2nd number tells me how many were invited on that particular invitation. If someone were to have a card with 32-1 and rsvpd for 2 people (or any number other than 1) then it is easy to know who is trying to RSVP for extra guests.

So far this is all working very well for us. It was DD's choice to have the RSVP cards sent to our house rather than her home.  I have to say, it's never been so much fun to check the mail each day!

I store them in a small box n in alpha order by last name.   I find it interesting how many woman were invited because DD knows them but on their RSVP they've written the man's name first and then theirs. We don't even know some of these guys but the women write their names first. I would think the invited person should be listed first.  

Several people have just written their first names on the RSVP. Thank goodness for our numbering or it would make doing seating a lot more difficult.  Obviously we don't know everyone coming, we've not met everyone on FSIL's side and so far all of those with just the first names are on his side.  I lobbied to have specific names written on each RSVP card before they went sent to guests but that didn't happen.

Another thing that that surprises me is how many people don't put their return address on the RSVP card. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:3e45d00c-4d03-4e39-93b4-6dc5df18d8bb">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]It really isn't about the RSVPs is it?  It is about just wanting it to be about you and for you and not about her controlling everything right?  I think that is what I am reading between the lines and I think I get it because I think you and I may be long lost sisters and share the same mom.  It is amazing what they expect you to do.  Stationary for everyone's jobs WTF???  Then they get all controlling like anyone who receives the invite will give a rat's ass who's return address is on the envelope.  You know it probably isn't that big of a deal where they go.  But setting boundries is.  Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.  Good luck!
Posted by mica001[/QUOTE]

You're right.  Where the RSVPs end up totally isn't a big deal at all.  Just the way she goes about it really rubs me the wrong way.

Yeah - she wants me to assign jobs to everyone.  She thinks I need to write down specific instructions for people's "jobs" on the wedding day (as if people don't know what to wear or where to go?).  She wants me to enlist our groomsmen to leave immediately after the wedding to go and save parking spots at our reception venue for the rest of the bridal party.

She fought me (and won) on mentioning our wedding registry on our invitations.  It makes me want to just die.  Our invites have inserts for accommodations, response, etc - she wanted an entire card dedicated to our registry.  But I talked her down to just having it mentioned (at the bottom, in small print) on the accommodations card.  But even then it drove me nuts.  "I don't want a thousand phone calls!"  Yeah, because that's how many she'd get.

She'll say one thing one day and the next day, act like I'm crazy when I try and confirm it.  She thinks she said something different.  She's insane!

So no - it's not even really about the RSVPs.  It's about her being just really, really difficult about everything.  I'm really appreciative of her money and I know it will be an amazing day.  She just makes the entire process more like a root canal than wedding planning.

lilianne22

Sounds too like if the RSVP's go to her house but she's not going to open them it's a way to get you to come over and work on the wedding stuff in front of her.  Sounds like she doesn't want to miss a thing!  You have been really patient with her, I don't know how you do it! 

mica178

Your mom and my mom are on the same wavelength.

I ended up having invitations sent to my FI's apartment since I was in the process of moving throughout the RSVP return time.  My parents' house has a crappy mailbox where mail is constantly lost, they're fantastically disorganized, and my mother would likely start verbally inviting her (uninvited) friends if she noticed a bunch of declines.  Yes, she's hostess, but sometimes she's horribly selfish and insane, and I had to reign it in somehow.  Luckily, my dad took my side on this.

Boundaries.  We all need to be better at setting them.  Sometimes you need to lose a battle to win the war, so if this is a minor issue with you, let it go.  But you need to stick up for yourself somewhere else then.

Steph0871

So, AATB, the more you post about your crazy mom, the more I think my mom and yours are sisters.  For real.

However, my dad is paying for about 2/3 of the wedding and FI and I are covering the rest.  No money = no say for her, thankfully.  I've included her in everything, but she knows not to really push her beliefs.

Honestly, I'd be completely pissed if my mom wanted the RSVPs.  It's what I'm most excited about coming up

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:51943469-7ec3-4deb-96b7-15b82595ce08">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to say, getting to open my mailbox each day and see those little RSVP envelopes and opening them with Noodle were pretty freaking exciting.  Probably my favorite part of the wedding planning.  I'd be royally PO'd if my mom tried to bogart that.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Same here. I loved getting the rsvp cards, one or two a day, opening them and seeing what happened. Then I stuck them all to a corkboard above my desk so I could see them and read the little messages when I was having a bad day.

I think if you are doing all of the planning (seating arrangement, menu, etc) then they should come to your house. My parents hosted but since I was in charge of all of that we agreed to just have them come my way.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I appreciate all this feedback ladies - I know I post a lot about my mom on here, probably to the point where people are like "Seriously... another mom post?" But it always makes me feel better to rant about her here and talk about it. 

Thank you

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Annoying mom strikes again... : <strong>She fought me (and won) on mentioning our wedding registry on our invitations.  It makes me want to just die.  </strong>Our invites have inserts for accommodations, response, etc - she wanted an entire card dedicated to our registry.  But I talked her down to just having it mentioned (at the bottom, in small print) on the accommodations card.  But even then it drove me nuts.  "I don't want a thousand phone calls!"  Yeah, because that's how many she'd get. <strong>She'll say one thing one day and the next day, act like I'm crazy when I try and confirm it.  She thinks she said something different.  </strong>She's insane! So no - it's not even really about the RSVPs.  It's about her being just really, really difficult about everything.  I'm really appreciative of her money and I know it will be an amazing day.  She just makes the entire process more like a root canal than wedding planning.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

1. Oh honey. I'm so sorry about that. Good that you were able to talk her down from having a card, but it would still drive me nuts too.
2. Would you consider taking notes of your wedding discussions? You know, like you might in almost any other meeting. You could say you just want to keep tabs on ideas/things you need to look into later, etc but at least that way it's documented. I don't mean this to sound bitchy but I understand what it's like when someone completely flip-flops and apparently has no recollection of what they said.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_annoying-mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:76614898-f14d-4285-87c1-8cc93bb35cb1Post:ccd0009c-11bf-48ad-a5ae-7ad0edea755f">Re: Annoying mom strikes again...</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Oh honey. I'm so sorry about that. Good that you were able to talk her down from having a card, but it would still drive me nuts too. 2. Would you consider taking notes of your wedding discussions? You know, like you might in almost any other meeting. You could say you just want to keep tabs on ideas/things you need to look into later, etc but at least that way it's documented. I don't mean this to sound bitchy but I understand what it's like when someone completely flip-flops and apparently has no recollection of what they said.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]


1.  Thank you!
2.  I have considered this - although something happened yesterday that I think will whip her into shape.  She asked me something about whether or not I'd talked to the people who are running our bar.  I said no, because it was something she'd volunteered to do several months earlier - and she actually had done it.  I remember specifically because she kept telling me what a hard time she had getting in touch with them - leaving them several messages, and then they FINALLY called her back, and they were booked.  But yesterday she was convinced that one of us had screwed up (me) and that our bar wasn't booked yet.  But she said she'd call them to make sure... and I know that she's going to find out that they're already booked.

So yeah.  She's got to listen to me!  I'm not completely stupid ;)