Was This Wrong???

amandamarielynn

I'm Muslim whih means EVERYTHING has to be halal as far as food goes. My mother says I was rude to her at a cake tasting, but I think I was perfectly patient...

Everything was going fine. I found the PERFECT cake combo on the FIRST try... I mean, absolutely amazing. I was totally happy and talking to the head baker about how glad I was that she was willing to use vanillin instead of real vanilla (vanilla is extracted with alcohol, making it haraam, forbidden) and she said it was no problem to make the cake with it. A bit in, I was asking how much she needed me to bring her for the cake and then for the frosting. She said "Well, I can't take the vanilla out of the frosting. I thought you meant just the frosting." Who the Hell buys a wedding cake for hundreds and doesn't get frosting? I didn't say that... but I was thinking it. I told her that if she was unable to do that, then I wouldn't be able to retain her services and asked if she knew anyone who WOULD do it.

My mother, who became a Muslim with me but is far more liberal than my fiance and I (read "she calls herself religious while not following the rules") said that I could just not tell anyone it was like that or just scrape the frosting off... That's like saying "you can serve cheeseburgers for Passover dinner and just tell people to scrape off the cheese." So I said, "No, we're making the wedding 100% halal (good in the eyes of Allah/God) and anything else would make us unhappy." Yet the issue kept being forced over and over. So I kind of snapped and said, "Hey, this is OUR wedding, not yours. I told you that it's not allowed for us to consume a haraam ingredient or to serve it to others. I'm not going to start out my marriage with missteps and I'd really appreciate if you respect OUR requirement for OUR wedding. If you want to cut corners on a wedding, do it with yours." I know it was... "rhymes with 'witchy'", but I'd listened to it for over 10 straight minutes and I couldn't take it anymore. Was it so wrong of me to assert myself and refuse something that would be forbidden based on my religion? Because I think it's pointless to have a wedding cake that 90% of the guests can't eat, much less the bride and groom...

cheeseandrice

I think you were right, and the baker was dumb to think vanilla was ok in part of the cake and not other parts. p.s. you can say bitchy here.

number55

Um, yeah, you were right.  It's like when people don't get why vegetarians won't eat some caesar dressing (anchovies). 

The realities that in all things (religion, vegetarianism, etc) there are going to be people of all levels of severity...you have your beliefs and you are allowed to stick to them.  And what your mother was suggesting (not telling people or scraping it off) would be disrespectful to the guests who followed the tenants of islam as strickly as you do.  

Also, I am fairly certain you will be able to find a baker who can sweeten icing with something other than vanilla.

pirategal03

I think you're right, but the delivery may have been harsh.  Did you say all that to your mother in front of the baker?  

amandamarielynn

Ok, thanks. I was really worried I was turning into one of those bridezillas! Because I'm usually the peacemaker of things. But the stress of someone trying to force me to be lenient on something that would cause me to disrespect my entire religious community, my fiance, and myself... it's just too much! And I couldn't stand by it. Especially the lady saying that she would still use it in the frosting but she could do the cake without it... because really? Has ANYONE in the history of mankind EVER bought an undecorated cake for that much money? It's just driving me insane. And bridezilla may come out with the Visa people because they keep wanting to send someone over to my grandmother's house where I and my fiance will be staying after the wedding until we leave for Bangladesh and then London... I mean, I can understand if we're going to be STAYING in the USA, but we're leaving. Why do they want to go search an old lady's home? I don't get this process AT ALL...

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_was-this-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7ee8b656-aa22-4231-bbd2-e73e47b5f229Post:d3105e6b-6194-458f-9402-adb430c449e3">Re: Was This Wrong???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, thanks. I was really worried I was turning into one of those bridezillas! Because I'm usually the peacemaker of things. But the stress of someone trying to force me to be lenient on something that would cause me to disrespect my entire religious community, my fiance, and myself... it's just too much! And I couldn't stand by it. Especially the lady saying that she would still use it in the frosting but she could do the cake without it... because really? <strong>Has ANYONE in the history of mankind EVER bought an undecorated cake for that much money?</strong> It's just driving me insane. And bridezilla may come out with the Visa people because they keep wanting to send someone over to my grandmother's house where I and my fiance will be staying after the wedding until we leave for Bangladesh and then London... I mean, I can understand if we're going to be STAYING in the USA, but we're leaving. Why do they want to go search an old lady's home? I don't get this process AT ALL...
Posted by amandamarielynn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, unfrosted cakes are a slowly growing trend.  I think they're kind of cool looking, and I'd have rather had one of those than the plain cake I ended up with.</div><div>
</div><div>Example:</div><div>
</div><div>
<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/4/11/4428de0d-cce0-4de6-9b09-d7347ecb5468.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/4/11/4428de0d-cce0-4de6-9b09-d7347ecb5468.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: they're often filled with something other than frosting. </div><div>
</div>

amerz18

Well I for one cannot stand frosting!! it's much too sweet for me, and if we were having an actual cake at our wedding, it would be "naked". hey if it's the new thing, then you're wedding would be memorable because I have never been to a wedding with a naked cake....oh, and from one baker to another, you can use vanillin instead of real vanilla in icing, it may taste different and may have a different consistancy, but if you're being paid hundreds of dollars for a cake, you should be able to have the knowledge to make it work.

LesPaul

You could just ask her to leave the vanilla out.  It won't ruin the frosting. 

J&K10910

You should have so many options for wedding cake without vanilla.  If she can't leave the vanilla out of the frosting, you don't want to use her because she's probably not a terribly competent baker. 

But if you DO run into that problem elsewhere, have you considered going in another direction?  There are many ways to make cheesecake without vanilla.  We had cheesecake with fruit at our wedding, and people raved about it (Granted, ours was frosted like a wedding cake too, but it certainly doesn't have to be!).  You could do various other desserts.  I don't know exactly what is allowed and what isn't, so I'm sorry if those won't work for other reasons.

But, if you're set on a traditional looking wedding cake, you should definitely be able to find a baker that can work with you.  Are there many Muslims in your area?  Perhaps someone you know or someone from your Mosque can give you a recommendation.  Or your local board, if there are many people in your area that are Muslim.

J&K10910

I kind of missed the point of your post with my answer--like  others said, the delivery was probably a bit harsh, but you're otherwise perfectly reasonable. 

caterpillar85

If you can't find a baker to do the special icing, could you do a whipped cream or something? Or a fruited jelly? (That might work better on cupcakes though)
As a cake designer (not a baker, me and ovens don't get along) I've had odd requests. I'm sure others in your area have too... maybe brainstorm with them some icing alternatives that don't have vanilla in it.

If your mom can't understand that you want your wedding fully in your faith then I would probably start doing a majority of the food planning without her (unless she is paying)... if dresses/decor/etc is negotiable then maybe have her focus on that. My mom went on a buying spree when I first got engaged and I didn't like any of it... now she is focused on the bridal shower she is hosting for me, and I can pay attention to the wedding details.

J&K10910

Re: what caterpillar said about doing the planning without mom, unless she's paying... If your mom is having a heavy financial contribution, and she can't understand why you need to keep things in line with your faith, I'd be politely declining her money asap.

Blueyed228

I dont think you are wrong.

I like the idea of fruit decoration.

amandamarielynn

Considering I'd asked about frosting and cake and talked specifically about providing vanillin for both, I'm surprised they were willing to say yes and the baker suddenly change her mind once I had a decision about what I wanted all laid out at the end of it. It was a waste of time entirely. And my mother used to be a cake decorator, so she seems to think that when someone asks ME a question, it's HER turn to talk. I'm starting to feel rather justified in being snarky, actually. Because since I did that, my mother and her business partner have quit talking OVER me whenever I'm tryng to give my opinion or talk about what my fiance is into. I realise that I'm incredibly quiet (really soft voice and I rarely speak out loud) but that doesn't mean that I don't have an opinion and that others should treat me like I'm some doll that should sit down, shut up, and take what everyone else thinks is right for my fiance and i.

I've looked at pictures of the naked cakes online... Honestly I think they're kind of ugly.  And as far as doing the wedding planning without my mother or anyone else... I'm severely epileptic so unless she drives- I don't get anywhere.