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Snarky Brides

Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty)

I'm having a pitty party for myself and just want to whine!  So I understand that the month leading up to my wedding, or even the day before aren't all about me...i get that life does not stop just because I'm getting married, but I thought I could at least have my day! Apparently I was wrong.
As I was out shopping with my mom today, having a girls day getting clothes and just having fun, she told me that since my family will be here anyways for my wedding that she wants to throw a baby shower for my sister right after the reception! I was shocked, didn't know what to say...I mean, yeah, our family dosen't get together that often, but really...on the one day I get for just me?
Then she starts going off on how we shouldn't have picked noon for our wedding because it wasn't fair to people coming from out of town...I didn't hear her saying anything before when we were sending out the invitations!...
Then I found out she sent an e-mail to my aunt complaining about how much stress she is under for the wedding...I'm sorry, but I wasn't the one that demanded I come up a month before the wedding to plan every detail ( could've done everything from my home, but she wanted me here because it was the last time we could be together before I get married) or insist on cooking for the rehersal (It's a very relaxed wedding...ie Pizza!)...or invite all the relatives to the rehersal dinner without checking with me...She isn't even paying for the wedding! My Fiance and I are (she bought my dress, which I am greatful for, but that's all so she shouldn't be stressed about money for the wedding)...all she has to do is show up, help me into my dress, walk down the asile, and enjoy herself..oh yeah, so stressful, she keeps trying to "remind" me of all the things that I haven't done or are doing wrong (which is apparently everything!)
And one of my bridesmaids backed out because she can't afford the ticket which is fine, but I would've appreciated finding out about more than 6weeks before the wedding.  I even sent her an e-mail a couple months ago double checking that she would still be able to come and that everything would be okay and she said it would and she couldn't wait then two weeks later *Bam* she can't come...but she still has the dress I paid for and can't send it back till the first so hopefully it gets here before the wedding so I can have my other girl wear it (luckily they are the right size) because the dress is discontuned so I can't go buy another one!
I just feel whiney tonight and there is still so much to do! Yell
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Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty)

  • I have to say, my eyes glazed over after I read "pitty"
  • riverjibriverjib member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited March 2010
    Kim, that was totally unnecessary. I'm the first to be annoyed by grammar/spelling mistakes, but not when someone is legitimately upset. Relax.

    Rlynn, I'm sorry you're going through such ridiculous drama when you should be celebrating your wedding. It's really crappy that your mom (of all people) is putting you through this, period, but even worse when you're footing the bill.

    My advice might not help much, but I'd just focus on making your wedding day wonderful, and to do whatever you can do to avoid this negativity. It's YOUR day, and you should enjoy it. If you're relaxed, your guests will be relaxed. You'll enjoy your day more, and that feeling will be reinforced when your guests talk about how much fun they had at your wedding.

    I realize it's not easy to do when your loved ones are behaving like jerks. Unfortunately, you have no control over this. The only thing you can control is your own attitude about it. If you're determined not to let anyone ruin it for you, you'll have a beautiful wedding. Deal with whatever you can ahead of time, and just take the rest of it in stride. Best of luck to you :-)
  • Rlynn, it sounds like your mom is behaving badly for sure, but I agree with the PP that you cannot control anyone else's behavior, just your reaction to it. She has some sort of issue with you getting married is my guess and rather than talk about it, she is taking it out in a bunch of petty stuff. I agree that having your sisters baby shower the same day is ridiculous.

    I think though that you should probably wait until after the wedding to ask you mom what on earth it was all about. Right now, just focus on not letting it mess up your wedding.

    I also agree that the spelling thing was uncalled for. Typos happen, and I am much more interested in what someone has to say anyway than if their grammar and spelling is perfect.
  • A baby shower immediately following your wedding reception is a ridiculous idea.  Why would your mom think that's ok?  You're spending a lot of money to make this day special and have fun...why would you want to end it with everyone going to something for your sister.  That's not right of your mother.
  • While I hate the concept of "My Day" and anyone who subscribes to the notion, I have to agree with you about the baby shower. That is totally uncalled for and outright rude. This is a day about you and your FI, and your mom is making sure it ends all about your sister.

    I'd tell my mother that there is no way in hell I support a baby shower for someone else on my wedding day, and that if she choose to do so anyway she can expect me to be anywhere but at the party.
  • Why on earth would your mother think people would be up for another party right after the wedding party?  I would be too tired to go to another party. And I'm not pregnant!
  • Is your mother wanting to do this to save on money?

    Everyone would already be fed, decorations would already be up?

    I would definaelty not let her, maybe the next day would be fine, but on the day?  NO way!
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  • email or phone call to the mother:
    Umm - hello? I've given what you said the other day some serious thought but I paid for this party! If you want to have a baby shower, it will not be at this venue and I will not be able to attend. I'm sorry, but this is my WEDDING day! Since people are coming in from out of town, couldn't you have the shower the night before, or even the next day, perhaps? I'm HURT that you would even consider something as inconsiderate and unfeeling to me as having her shower on the same day as my wedding.
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  • I agree re the shower, and if she persists in this nonsense about the shower I think you would be justified in telling her you will not be there.

    Also, I do think that weddings in the big picture of things are about the couple getting married. It is important to consider guests and their feelings and wishes, but in the end you two will (we hope) only marry once and almost definitely only marry each other once. It is your very special life event that you are sharing with others and they are sharing with you.
  • Eek!  I'd be pretty annoyed by that too.  I don't think it's completely unreasonable for you to want your wedding day not to be truncated (or even followed) with an event that has nothing to do with your new marriage.  I understand her point of having everyone there, but seriously, they can send a gift if they can't make it.  I'd tell her I'd appreciate it if she did it the day after.  I don't think that's completely fair to you, your FH or the rest of the family because (as someone else said), who wants to go to another party after an entire wedding?
  • What does your sister think?
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  • I think it's rude of your mom to be throwing a baby shower for her own daughter, no matter when it is.  Your baby shower should be thrown by friends, not your mother. 
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  • Good question Sing!  What does the sister think? 
    I think its nice that her mom wants to throw a shower, but on the wedding day? The sister needs to step up and change the date or she's just as bad as mom. 
    Baby showers are all about presents and stupid baby games, so it should not interfere with something thats meaningful like a wedding.
    I feel irritated by that BM drop-out as well.  Selfish BIOTCH!

  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]Kim, that was totally unnecessary. I'm the first to be annoyed by grammar/spelling mistakes, but not when someone is legitimately upset. Relax.
    Posted by riverjib[/QUOTE]

    Ok, so I read it, and I don't get it. 

    OP, are you having an after party?  Are you planning on doing something with your family after your reception?  If not, just don't go to the baby shower.  It really isn't that big of a deal.  You can't tell your guests to go home immediately and reflect on how fantastic your wedding was, just like you can't tell them not to go to a baby shower the same day.

    The whole "oh no!  attention won't be on me all day!" thing is ridiculous.
  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : Ok, so I read it, and I don't get it.  OP, are you having an after party?  Are you planning on doing something with your family after your reception?  If not, just don't go to the baby shower.  It really isn't that big of a deal.  You can't tell your guests to go home immediately and reflect on how fantastic your wedding was, just like you can't tell them not to go to a baby shower the same day. The whole "oh no!  attention won't be on me all day!" thing is ridiculous.
    Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

    I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. What I do think is ridiculous is kim's attitude. Geez. I have spent almost a year as a member reading posts before I ever decided to actually join in on the banter. I do not understand why so many women on here feel to need to be so rude and cynical. Ugh. Many women like to play all high and mighty but I am willing to bet anyone who says they wouldn't be bothered by this scenario on their W day is full of it.

    But I also would like to know what the sister thinks. I would hope she would be bigger person and considerate enough to put a stop to this plan.
  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. What I do think is ridiculous is kim's attitude. Geez. I have spent almost a year as a member reading posts before I ever decided to actually join in on the banter. I do not understand why so many women on here feel to need to be so rude and cynical. Ugh. Many women like to play all high and mighty but I am willing to bet anyone who says they wouldn't be bothered by this scenario on their W day is full of it. But I also would like to know what the sister thinks. I would hope she would be bigger person and considerate enough to put a stop to this plan.
    Posted by nackiejichole[/QUOTE]

    THIS. All of it. Well said.
  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : THIS. All of it. Well said.
    Posted by Bride_to_be_2011[/QUOTE]

    Bravo!!!! 
  • I am not just thinking "Why does you mom think its okay to have a baby shower after your wedding?" but "Why does your mom think it is okay to ask your family to come to your wedding, give you a gift then come to your sisters baby shower (what 5 mins after the wedding) and give her a gift too?"  I think it is a lot to ask of your family, esp if they have the added cost of traveling in from out of town.  

    While agree that the "me, me, me" mentality is ridiculous, I don't see that here.  You do get to have that "ONE DAY" and a baby shower for your sister is not the way to end it. Does your sister even know about this? I think you may want to fill her in.  Maybe she can make your mom see the light. 
  • Yes, the fact that the OP realizes she gets one day is GREAT and I really wish more people got that.  But, I don't think she should be so upset.  Yes, it could be inconvenient for the people attending both parties.  Yes, it will be a logistical nightmare if the mother is only inviting women and the men need to find an alternate way to get home.  Yes, it is rude.  But it isn't the OP's problem, and I don't get why anyone thinks she should waste anymore time being worried about something that she can't really change.

    Maybe the mother didn't put enough thought into it, but she obviously put SOME thought into it since she is doing it because everybody will be in town.  She is not doing it to torture OP, she just thought it would work out better that way.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but not once did OP say she was upset because she may miss the shower or will need to change quickly, but that she was being robbed of "her" day that should be all about her*.

    And honestly, this on my wedding day would not bother me.  It would be wonderful if everyone from out of town was distracted and I got to spend time alone with my new husband.  Maybe that makes me full of it, but I guess you can never know that for sure.

    As for the OPs other problems:

    #1 - Don't let your mother call the shots, and you won't have to deal with a stressed out mother who is pissed off about having too much work to do.

    #2 - It is shitty that the bridesmaid bowed out unexpectedly, but it sounds like (from the dress situation) that you replaced her with a fill-in bridesmaid, which isn't cool.

    *Notice no mention of fiance. 
  • I'd be upset. Plus, like PP said, you shouldn't expect people to want to go to a shower after your wedding. The idea is a little crazy in my opinion. I hope you get it worked out without stepping on too many toes. I may talk to your sister about it. Don't mind Kim, some people are just miserable and I'd hate to be the man marrying that. You came here for advice not to be criticized by someone who doesn't even know you. Good luck with it all! :)
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  • You are all so good for me.  I know I am just stressing.  Only 21 more days and I am going crazy.  I will talk to my mom and tell her how I feel, but beyond that I know I can't force anyone to do anything, and if I have to only have two girls, I guess it isn't the complete end of the world, my sweet Kris even offered to make one of his male friends put on a dress and stand on my side if that is what I want, (he can always make me smile)! 
    I just need to keep taking deep breaths, relaxing and hey, even if the church blows up and none of the guests can come and there is a huge flood at the end of it all, I will still be married to the man of my dreams and have a ton of great stories to tell our kids! 
     
    You all really are the best! Thank you.
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  • . #2 - It is shitty that the bridesmaid bowed out unexpectedly, but it sounds like (from the dress situation) that you replaced her with a fill-in bridesmaid, which isn't cool. . 
    Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

    As long as the fill in has no problem with it, what isn't cool?  I think most people realize that there is a limited number of people that can be in the wedding party and most are not upset they were "not asked first". I was a bridesmaid fill in for my boss several years ago! She and her sister got into a big argument and she dropped out of the wedding.

    My guess is if mom tries to go ahead with that shower, which I still think is a downright hostile thing to be doing, few guests will show up and gifts will be on the low end for those who do come or who do not but send a gift.  I agree the sister is as bad as the mom if she goes with this.

    You seem to be into finding something, anything wrong in the actions of the OP Kim. Why do so many women on these boards, and I do not just mean "Snarky", do that?

  • I agree with Lenore. SOME PEOPLE may have a problem with being a "fill-in" BM but SOME PEOPLE will find something wrong in anything you do. I had a BM drop out unexpectedly and there were several friends jumping at the chance to fill in for her. They all understood my reasoning for choosing who I chose in the first place. I had known them all the longest. They were my friends from grade school. This seemed to be the easiest way at the time to not hurt any feelings of my other friends. Not saying that is for everyone but that is what I chose to do. If she isn't your MOH I wouldn't be too concerned unless you are focusing on having an even BP. You would just lose the $$ and that sucks.

    Why would you want to go to another celebration after your big day? Just assuming it is a women's shower that means you would either have to leave your new husband for a few hours after just getting married or miss your sister's shower. I would think you would want to be there for her day as well so how is this fair to either of you. 


  • I'd be pretty upset and, honestly I'd be a little PO'ed . Your mother and/or sister don't really need to have the shower right after your wedding. If people want to go to the shower, they'll go no matter where it is. Since she (being either your mother or your sister) feels she needs to have it right after your wedding when people have been at your wedding all day it seems to me like they are just trying to get more gifts.

    This may or may not be the case, but that is how it looks to me.
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  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]As long as the fill in has no problem with it, what isn't cool?
    Posted by Lenore2010[/QUOTE]

    It is disrespectful to both the original BM and the new one.  For the original, it is saying she is easily replaceable.  For the new one, it is saying "hey, I know I didn't care about you enough the first time, but since you're convenient now, go right ahead."  It is comparable to tiered receptions:  the guests may not complain to your face, and they might still show up, but most everyone knows how rude and disrespectful it is.

    If I was asked to fill in for a friend, I would probably consider it, but I would never tell them how rude they are being.  Doesn't mean I'm not thinking it.
  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : It is disrespectful to both the original BM and the new one.  For the original, it is saying she is easily replaceable.  For the new one, it is saying "hey, I know I didn't care about you enough the first time, but since you're convenient now, go right ahead."  It is comparable to tiered receptions:  the guests may not complain to your face, and they might still show up, but most everyone knows how rude and disrespectful it is. If I was asked to fill in for a friend, I would probably consider it, but I would never tell them how rude they are being.  Doesn't mean I'm not thinking it.
    Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

    The original bridesmaid dropped out, and if she is such a Princess she has a problem with someone else filling in she is not a very good friend-or a very realistic grownup in my opinion. As to being the fill - in, the person you ask is not likely to be a terribly close relative or "on the phone three times a week" sort of friend anyway because those people are generally asked first to be part of the wedding party, and again that is something most grown ups understand. They don't take offense at being asked to help out at the last minute.For most people the days of the 8 bridesmaids + MOA wedding are over, it is just to expensive now and I think most people understand that not everyone can be in the wedding. Also, if you would really be a fill-in in spite of how you feel about it, all the while thinking about what a "rude" person the bride was, that would not be an example of great friendship, either. I personally avoid "friends" who would do that.Does anyone else find it ironic that on boards where women are spending so much time sniping at each other there is all kinds of criticism on them of other brides for being "rude"?
  • I cannot believe how judgemental some people are on this forum!

    Kim, do you have any friends? You are coming across as extremely rude.

    I will make a mental note never to ask for any opinions that may be of a sensitive nature as I'm sure I couldn't cope with the bullying that goes on from the minority of members. I

    Rlynn you should do whatever makes you happy, it is your day!
  • edited March 2010
    In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. What I do think is ridiculous is kim's attitude. Geez. I have spent almost a year as a member reading posts before I ever decided to actually join in on the banter. I do not understand why so many women on here feel to need to be so rude and cynical. Ugh. Many women like to play all high and mighty but I am willing to bet anyone who says they wouldn't be bothered by this scenario on their W day is full of it. But I also would like to know what the sister thinks. I would hope she would be bigger person and considerate enough to put a stop to this plan.
    Posted by nackiejichole[/QUOTE]

    Welcome to snarky brides, sweetheart. If you can't stand the heat... try another board.

    I hear the Wedding Wire forums are great at blowing smoke up people's asses.
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  • In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling sorry for myself tonight (long and ranty) : Welcome to snarky brides, sweetheart. If you can't stand the heat... try another board. I hear the Wedding Wire forums are great at blowing smoke up people's asses.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, but I do not think Miss Kim's attitude towards the OP is justifed in the name of "snarkiness". Neither is a lot of stuff you see on these boards Snarky and others. Kim's criticisms have been, frankly B.S. for the most part and she has gotten called on ragging on someone just to rag.
    That is not snarky. That is just plain snotty and rude.
    Snark is a well deserved criticism stated in a forthright way. Notice I say "forthright"-which is not the same as hostile. I see a lot of plain hostile on these baords sometimes, and it is petty and idiotic.
    We are all out of high school so let's stop playing the high school mean girls.
  • When did this board become Whiny Brides? 

    Talk to your mom and tell her you don't want to share your wedding day.  If the BM dress doesn't arrive, just don't replace the BM.  There.  Problems solved.

    Kim and Mery, well said.
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