Feeling unappreciated **Vent - Long**

nthomas983

This is my first time posting to this board, but I just need somewhere to whine for a minute.  My FI really upset me this morning.  Some background: He's an accountant, and I work for a communications company.  It's tax season, so he's been working really long hours, and will be until about a month before our June wedding.  I usually work about 40 hours a week, but I also take care of almost everything at home - laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of our pets (1 dog, 2 cats) - and have been handling the majority of wedding stuff, too.  After work, I'll come home, take the dog out, make dinner, address envelopes, maybe run some laundry, do dishes, etc etc etc.  Now, this is fine with me - he works a lot, and I try to do what I can to make things easy on us both.

Anyway, this week I have a major project at work and have been working 10-12 hours a day, and haven't had time for lunch.  Like I said, we have a large dog and I feel terrible keeping her cooped up in the house for so long. So this morning I asked FI to take her to doggie day care for the day, which is like 5 minutes from his office. And he started going on about how he's stressed, he didn't have time, he didn't "feel like it," wah wah wah. I reminded him that I would likely be at the office for 10+ hours, and it isn't fair to the dog to leave her home all day when we left her home yesterday.

His response? "Look, I'm really happy you're getting these extra hours at work, but it's still NOTHING compared to what I do! You have no idea how hard I work and what I do!"

I was flabbergasted. I mean, yeah, he spends more hours at the office than I do - but does he really not see how much else I do? I mean, does he think that I want to spend my evenings doing work around the house? Or does he think that the laundry magically folds itself and puts itself away in his closet? Does he think the dinners left wrapped in the fridge for him make themselves? And does he think that this wedding is just magically planning itself?

Apparently, he does.  So much that asking him to take an extra 10 minutes to take the dog someplace she can run around for the day is just too much to ask. I know he's probably just stressed out, and I know long hours at the office are no fun, but for him to say that to me when I do work really hard just made me feel really unappreciated.

Sorry so long.  Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks!

SarahPLiz

Being married is not tit for tat. YOu do the things you do because you love and support the other person and they do the same for you. It may not be even, depending on what is going on in your lives. If you are both going though the same stress level, then you BOTH probably feel this way.

You have to talk and learn to compromise.End of story.

Oh, and this board is to get advice from snarky brides. Whining goes on Wedding Woes (under special topic boards).

suz62984

It sounds like he is being extremely one-sided on this.  He doesn't know how good he has it. I understand that he works long hours, and you don't mind doing it, but you aren't his mother. It also sounds like he expects this from you! 

My fiance is a police officer and works 12-14 hour shifts. I work(9-10), clean the house, take care of dogs and bills, etc. just like you; however he has learned to appreciate it.  Stop babying your fiance.  Don't leave him covered meals in the fridge. Don't fold his laundry. Make him do things around the house. You need to sit him down and talk with him.  I like comment above for this. Good luck!

krmabojo

Instead of venting on here, just talk to him.

Sorry if you do not like my answer.

nthomas983

cfaszews25 - Ha! It does sound like we're marrying the same guy. They should hang out :-) I love that you do the dog day care thing, too.  As soon as I typed it I thought that everyone here would think me crazy for taking the dog to day care! It makes me happy to see that someone else is as crazy about their dogs as we are! Your advice is spot on, too!

Thanks for the input, all. You are all right; I do need to talk to him.  Trying to do so at 7:00am as we were both rushing out the door would not have been the answer, though.  I'm preparing myself to confront the issue, delicately, tonight. I really just wanted to get it off my chest so that I could think things through rationally. Hearing him say that was a bit of a slap in the face, you know? I don't want to go into a discussion with him feeling angry and defensive.  Here seemed like a good place to get my feelings out there; I didn't want to go to my girlfriends and have them say "Wow, he's being a jerk!" and add fuel to the fire.  Again, thanks everyone for bringing me to a more rational place!

SarahPLiz - sorry for posting in the wrong place. I didn't think "wedding woes" was appropriate, since this isn't specifically wedding-related, but I'll know better next time :-)

SarahPLiz

I didn't mean you shouldn't post here at all, but a lot of girls have been complaining about getting snarky responses on the Snarky Brides board (DOH!), so I just wanted you to be aware that this might not be the best place to vent if you are looking for validation..

Hope everything works out for you.

lisarose7

Apparently he's had it too good for too long and now he's taking all you do for granted.  Stop doing all the work around the house.  Stop doing the dishes, cooking, washing and folding ALL the laundry, and leaving his meals in the fridge.  If he complains, tell him he obviously didn't appreciate all you were doing, so you're not doing it anymore.  Then throw his arguement back in his face and tell him how stressed YOU are, how little time YOU have, and how HE has no idea how hard YOU work and what YOU do all day.  Since now, in addition to a full-time job, you now have all the wedding planning to do...and since he refuses to take responsibility for the pets, then he'll just have to do the housework himself if he wants it done.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_feeling-unappreciated-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:83da7eb1-2e39-449c-b6ef-7fb2df6be89aPost:752bea10-9c07-4467-a1e3-e2c07a8ea70f">Re: Feeling unappreciated **Vent - Long**</a>:
[QUOTE]Apparently he's had it too good for too long and now he's taking all you do for granted.  Stop doing all the work around the house.  Stop doing the dishes, cooking, washing and folding ALL the laundry, and leaving his meals in the fridge.  If he complains, tell him he obviously didn't appreciate all you were doing, so you're not doing it anymore.  Then throw his arguement back in his face and tell him how stressed YOU are, how little time YOU have, and how HE has no idea how hard YOU work and what YOU do all day.  Since now, in addition to a full-time job, you now have all the wedding planning to do...and since he refuses to take responsibility for the pets, then he'll just have to do the housework himself if he wants it done.
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

That is really passive agressive, and has the potential to create more problems than it solves. If this person is your life mate, you should be able to sit down and have a rational conversation with them. Throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to so anything at all is very childish, and not productive at all. Grow up.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_feeling-unappreciated-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:83da7eb1-2e39-449c-b6ef-7fb2df6be89aPost:b06e7b76-8e86-4077-8d78-01db76c7b085">Re: Feeling unappreciated **Vent - Long**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling unappreciated **Vent - Long** : That is really passive agressive, and has the potential to create more problems than it solves. If this person is your life mate, you should be able to sit down and have a rational conversation with them. Throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to so anything at all is very childish, and not productive at all. Grow up.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

She tried direct and rational.  It didn't work.  Time to try something he might understand better.  Refusing to do extra work that he obviously doesn't appreciate isn't passive agressive; it merely demonstrates the fact that he's taking her for granted.  Grow up, come down off your high horse, and realize that talking things out doesn't work unless someone's actually listening.

gower2be

I know exactly what youre going through. Think of it as a good way to test your relationship before its legal.
Just talk to him or snap back sometime. If thats what it takes to get him to realize he's in the wrong for saying something like that